My sobs, when they tear free, wrack me from head to toe. He draws me to him, all smooth chitin, cool and hard to the touch. There should be no solace in it, but there is because he’s Vel, and he took my pain for his own. Now he must live with the knowledge he harmed someone he cares about—and that’s not lightly done for one who lives as long as he. I respect his bravery and fortitude more than ever.
For I need this scar over my heart to remind me. Crazy as it sounds, if I can bear the wound on my body, it lessens what I must carry on my soul. How he knew that about me, I cannot fathom.
But he did, and it helped, and I weep in his arms, as though all the light in the world has died.
[Grainy vid-mail from March, arrived on the four-day bounce]
I saw that you’re a free woman now. I’d congratulate you, but I expected this outcome, or I’d have never left, not even for my nephew.
Tomorrow we arrive at Nicu Tertius, but that’s only the beginning. There are seven state homes, and four are designated for Psi training. They’re all in different cities, and my problem is compounded by not knowing the boy’s name. If they left Svetlana attached to his file as birth mother, that will simplify matters, but Farwan is notorious for excising such information to prevent Psi from wondering about their pasts. I can ask for a genetic search, as his markers should be fairly similar to mine, but that will take time, and it’s hard to restrain my patience, particularly after this long haul.
I wouldn’t admit this to anyone but you, but I’m afraid of what will happen to me when we land on Nicu. It’s illogical, but I fear an instant regression to the monster I was before. The jungles on this world hold more ghosts than anyone could imagine; I killed so many men here, and they didn’t even get a proper service. We left them wherever they fell, so their bones just worked their way down into the mud.
Right now, I wish I’d stayed because I want you at my side. That sounds pretty selfish, but I don’t mean it that way. You just never needed me that way; I said it to you once as I was leaving—that you love me, but you don’t need me. You don’t lean. But I admire that about you, and I could use some of your strength right now.
Thinking of you. Love you still and always.
[message ends]
[Vid-mail reply from Jax, sent on the four-day bounce]
Free is a relative term. I’m no longer incarcerated, but I’m not my own woman, either. I’m obligated to set things right before I go. I mean, it’s not a sentence or anything; though it might have been if I hadn’t volunteered. I’ve been at the training academy in Ocklind for months now. This is the longest I’ve ever been dirtside, and it’s hellish.
I used to dream of Doc and Evie, and how they died down on Venice Minor, but now I dream of grimspace. There’s an ache in my bones as if I’m dying by millimeters each day I spend on this planet. I don’t know how people live like this. I met a girl once who didn’t attend school; she spent her whole life on ships. She was educated by AIs like Constance, and that sounded like the best thing in the universe to me. Imagine the wonders she saw, every single day. But she told me she just felt trapped on that ship and unable to form lasting relationships. It’s so strange how one person’s heaven is another’s hell.
Things are progressing well enough here. Soon I’ll have a complete team of teachers, and I can go on my way. Our graduates are already making their way onto the Star Road to get the shipping lanes moving at normal speed again. I feel for the colonies that are withering because of the slow supply shipments. I did that. But I can’t help wondering when it all ends. You said I’m strong, and that I don’t lean, but if you were here, I’d tip my head against your chest. How much must I give before we can be together? I live for the day when we can fly away into uncharted space, away from the paparazzi and the rumors and speculation. I don’t want to be famous—or maybe that should be infamous—anymore.
Mary, I miss you. And don’t worry, you’re not going to fall back into old patterns. I can say that with complete certainty because you’d never do anything to hurt your nephew. You’ll do whatever it takes to find him and see him safe. I know you.
Love and miss you always.
[message ends]
CHAPTER 15
Six months along, and we’ve trained the backlog of jumpers. Now we just have raw recruits coming in from the new tier worlds. But I’ve put a crew of teachers in place, and they know what they’re doing. It’s almost time for me to move along.
Thank Mary. I don’t want to be doing this, but I believe in cleaning up my own messes, and this one is colossal.
I’ve agonized over my decision. Part of me wants to see March more than anything, but we have separate purposes. He doesn’t need me hanging around while he searches for his nephew, and I have my own agenda. So with profound regret, I decide I need to take care of my business while he does the same. Hopefully, our paths will realign soon.
To my great satisfaction, the training facility runs smoothly these days, and I don’t need to stick around forever. Ships are jumping again, which is the most important thing. I just have one more thing to do; that’s why I’m heading for a panel of doctors and scientists, none of whom I know personally, but they all have a reputation for cutting-edge developments. The room is already full when I arrive, and a sea of expectant faces turn toward me. Some are old, others young, but all bear a fascinated expression as I launch into my explanation of why we’re here.
“How many of you are familiar with NBS?”
Navigator Burnout Syndrome—the number one reason why my job is so dangerous. But it’s not a problem for me anymore. Seventy-five percent of them raise their hands, which means I have to explain for those who don’t. That takes five minutes. Once I’m sure they’re all with me, I continue, “Before his death, Dr. Solaith devised a gene- therapy treatment that eradicates the danger of NBS. I realize you’ll want to study his method and his results before you begin trials, so I am forwarding all of his research to your handhelds . . . right now.”
As one, they turn to their devices, skimming through what Doc did to me. A murmur goes through the collected scientists as they realize I’ve been injected without all the preliminary studies. I can tell they don’t approve of his methods; they think he was something of a barbarian for taking such chances. Since he’s not around to defend himself, however, they don’t speak the condemnations aloud. Just as well for them because I’d take them all off at the knees if they dared.