I don’t say anything and he continues to slide my panties down my legs and works to get them off my ankles underneath the water. Somehow he manages to do it without losing them in the current swirling around us and then he’s throwing that piece of fabric up there too. Within seconds he takes off his boxers and I have no time to react because everything is happening so quickly. I’m suddenly naked for the first time in front of a guy.
“Nova,” he breathes against my mouth as he cups my cheek with his forehead resting against mine. His eyes are squeezed shut and then he opens them up, and for a fleeting moment he looks like he doesn’t want to this, like he’s torn on what’s right and wrong, real and fake, and I understand completely.
I don’t say anything as he presses his mouth to mine again, slips his tongue out and parts my lips with it. He groans, shuddering, and I shiver in response. My legs open up to him, and he positions himself between them as he strokes one of my nipples with his finger. When our bodies connect in every place, I can feel the tip of him pressed up between my legs. Part of me wants him to slip inside me, so I can feel what it’s like before I miss my chance again. But the other part of me thinks it’s wrong because we’re in the middle of a pond, with no protection, and I have no idea what I want or who I want. I should know what I want, shouldn’t I? I need to figure stuff out.
But I can’t seem to get the words to come out because the regret and what-ifs own me, so I let him slip his tip inside me. I immediately wince from the pain, sucking in a sharp breath as every one of my muscles seizes into knots. I feel wrong, along with a million other things, because I’m not sure I want this. In fact, I don’t think I do. Not like this. The truth in my thoughts suddenly opens my eyes and I figure out what to do next. What do I do next?
Quinton freezes, goes dead still with the tip of him barely inside me. My chest is heaving from the pain and fear and my thoughts are a blurry stream or numbers, emotions, and distorted thoughts as I try to figure out what to do. Keep going. Stop.
“Nova,” he says in strained, almost pained voice. “Is this… is this…” He opens his eyes, which are filled with more guilt then I’ve ever seen. He sucks in a deep breath. “Have you never done this before?”
My body is shaking and my teeth are chattering and I can’t seem to get control of my nerves or voice, so I shake my head instead. His whole body goes rigid, and I can feel the beat of his pulse pounding between my legs. He starts breathing so loudly it covers the sound of the water falling from the rocks , but I can’t hear myself breathing at all.
“I can’t do this,” he whispers, and it looks like he’s going to cry as he pulls out of me. He starts to swim away, but I grab him, panicking, fearing I’m going to lose him. Or maybe it’s Landon. I’m so confused. Lost. Always lost.
“Please don’t go,” I say, but it sounds unreal, just words disconnected from my emotions.
He shakes his head, looking horrified. “You don’t want this Nova… want me. You’re better than that.”
“No, I’m not!” I scream. Actually scream. My eyes go wide, shocked at the anger in my voice, so real and raw. “I’m not better than you. Him. Anyone!” My voice echoes for miles and the water ripples around me as I try to stay afloat. “I don’t even know who I am…”
He shakes his head again, moving his arms in the water, backing away from me. “No, you are better. You’re just confused right now for whatever reason. But soon you’re going to open your eyes and see who you really are and that you don’t belong with a bunch of fucking loser drug addicts.” Pain laces his eyes and I can see something inside him, something heavy that I can’t even begin to understand. “You don’t belong in a pond about ready to screw some guy while you’re fucking high, headed down a road of self-destruction. Because that’s where you’re going to go if you keep going down this road. Trust me. I know.”
My lips tremble as tears threaten to spill down my cheeks. My head falls down and I stare at my distorted reflection. “I belong here.” But my voice is just a whisper as memories of my past overwhelm me, ones of who I used to be—with Landon. “I belong somewhere…”
He reaches up over the rock above us and grabs his boxers before swimming to the shore and I don’t try to stop him. I can’t. I’m losing focus on the present as the memories that I try to block take over my mind.
He gets dressed and then hurries for the trees, leaving me alone in the water, alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. I try to backtrack how I got here, to this lonely place, but I can barely remember the journey and all I want to do is go back to a time in my life when everything felt right and made sense. I want stuff to make sense again. I don’t want to feel so wrong inside.
I cover my chest with my arms and start to count the beats of my heart, but it doesn’t do anything for me. I try to count the tree branches, the clouds, the stars as they peek out of the sky. But nothing is helping, and as my emotions start to emerge and chip down the wall I built around that night—around myself—I can no longer shut it down. It rams me in the chest, like a wrecking ball, and nearly drags me under the water. But somehow I manage to heave myself up onto the rocks. Staring at the stars, I grab onto my wrist, pressing my finger to the scar that’s over my erratic pulse, feeling myself falling to that place again. The one where nothing makes sense and the past overtakes me.
Then I break to pieces, losing control over my thoughts and actions. I can barely understand what’s going on as I try to grasp reality. But panic, sorrow, anger, and remorse take me over and pull me down. I try to count something—the stars, the trees, my heartbeats—but nothing is helping. And in the end, the past catches up with me.
And I remember. Everything.
Are you sure you don’t just want to stay over?” Landon asks, as I put my shirt on and sit up on the bed. “We could just cuddle or something?”
“Cuddle?” I question, glancing over my shoulder at him, pretending everything’s okay, when really I’m a mess inside. “Really?”