I feel my already crumbling world break into even more pieces. “Oh, it’s nothing. I just thought I saw you while I was walking to my car, but I guess not.”
He stares at me silently like he’s trying to read my mind. “Do you want to talk about something?”
I’m stunned. “With you?”
His lips bow upward and his eyes glimmer mischievously. “You say that like I just asked you to have sex with me.”
I’m pretty sure my heart stops, dies in my chest and ceases to exist. I’m in shock, embarrassed and completely enthralled by the sound of the words coming out of his mouth. I need to say something, to break the unnerving silence that has overtaken us, but all I can do is stand there and gawk at him. He starts to squirm more and more the longer the silence goes on and his smile dissipates. Finally, I bail and start up the aisle, pushing the cart along with me, concentrating on the squeaking of the wheels to deflect my concentration from him and to give him an out to run like hell from weirdo girl.
I catch a flash of yellow from my peripheral vision, but this has been happening intermittently since my delusion with the monster in the parking lot and the light always fades when I turn my head. So I ignore it.
“I’m actually glad I ran into you.” Alex comes up behind me again, scaring me half to death and making me drop the book I’m holding. He quickly scoops it up and gives it back to me. “I was supposed to be coming by to see if you could meet up at my house later tonight.”
I take the book from his hand. My voice comes out sharp as I ask, “What? Why?”
He snorts a laugh. “Relax, I don’t bite or anything. I just wanted to know if you can because Aislin wants to finish up the project tonight. In fact, I think her head is going to explode if we don’t.”
“Oh.” I slide the book on the shelf, frowning. “You’ve been gone for a few days.”
A lazy grin creeps up on his face. “You noticed.”
I scale up his rock-solid body and I detect a squirm on his part, which secretly pleases me. “It’s hard not to notice when you’re gone.”
His smile expands. “Are you coming on to me?” He moves his arm so it’s on the shelf beside my head and his voice drops to a deep whisper as he leans toward me. “Because if you are, I’m going to have to warn you that you shouldn’t. It’s dangerous—I’m dangerous.”
I arch my eyebrows as I put a book on the shelf without taking my eyes off him. “Now, that sounds like a come-on line.”
He bites at his lip as his smile practically takes over his face and he widens the space between us by stepping back. “What do you say? Can you come over later to work on the project?”
I stretch my arm behind my back, feeling around for a book on the cart. “Yeah, that works for me, I guess.”
“You sound disappointed,” he muses with a grin. “Is it because of the project or because you’d be around me?”
I pick up a book and read the number on the binding, pretending to be indifferent even though I have a rabble of butterflies in my stomach. “It’s neither. I’m just tired today. I haven’t been sleeping very well.” I put the book on the shelf and turn around, only to notice that he’s diminished the space between us again.
“Why?” He slants forward and places a hand on the shelf, so the crook of his arm is beside my head.
“Bad dreams,” I say and sigh when he frowns. “I sound like a little kid, don’t I?”
He shakes his head. “No, but what are the dreams about?”
Monsters. Death. You and your sexiness. “Just stuff… things… You know what, it’s not important. They’re just dreams.”
“Maybe it would help to talk about it. Holding stuff in only makes things harder.”
“What are you, like a psych major or something?” I joke.
He shrugs. “No, I’m undecided.”
“What year are you?”
“A senior.”
“That’s a little late to be undecided,” I say, wondering if he’s lying. I retrieve another book off the cart, astonished that he can detour me from my worries. He’s made me feel better and normal; my thoughts less heavy. That is all I want from life; a clear head and direction. “Don’t people generally declare majors around their sophomore year?”
He edges to the side as a guy ambles up the aisle, whistling an off-key tune. “What are you majoring in?”
I scoot the book into its correct place on the shelf. “General Studies.”
“Isn’t that about the same as undecided?” he accuses and captures my gaze. “It’s like saying I can’t make up my mind, so I’ll just have a vague major to get by.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I mumble, deflated. He’s struck a touchy subject. My future. My indecision. The fact that I never can envision myself doing anything.
His gaze flicks to my lips and he inhales slowly. “If you ever need to talk, you can come to me.”
I eye him over. “Are you being serious?”
“As serious as I was when I said we should skip out on Astronomy and go for a road trip.” A leisurely smile unfolds across his face and he sticks out his hand. “Here, give me your phone.”
Confused beyond belief, I take my phone out of my pocket and give it to him. He swipes his finger across the screen to unlock it, pushes some buttons and then hands it back to me, brushing his finger along the inside of my wrist. Even though it’s probably accidental, my heart and mind connect in a lively dance that nearly sends my knees buckling.
“I’ll see you later, Gemma.” He winks at me before he reels on his heels and vanishes around the corner. I feel a tug inside my chest and for a second it feels like he’s ripped my heart out and taken it with him. I feel disconnected as I read the notes section of my phone:
24432 Monarch Road Apt 34
Meet Aislin and me there at 9:00 pm tonight so we can finish the project.
I put my phone back into my pocket and begin putting books on the shelf, letting the puzzlement, anticipation, and sheer loathing entwine inside me, like a tethered knot, until they form one single coherent emotion.
Numbness.
***
I remain numb the rest of the day; oblivious to anything except my work task. If someone approaches me with a question, I answer with as few words as possible. It’s like I’ve died or traveled back in time to when I was unemotional and withdrawn; my body still moving, but my soul and spirit disconnected from each other.
The feeling lingers during the entire drive to Alex’s place, which is in a nice area where all the buildings have a similar, newly-built look to them. His apartment is located at the farthest corner building, on the upper floor. It’s snowing hard and by the time he opens the door, my hands and lips are numb, like my heart.
Except suddenly, it isn’t.
The sight of him launches my body into a fit and a massive volume of emotions surge through me, toward my heart, like they are racing. I’m just not sure which one will get there first: anger, passion, sadness…
Lust.
Alex has a serious case of bed-head, but it looks so sexy and touchable. He also doesn’t have a shirt on and his jeans hang low on his hips. His flawless skin is stretched over his solid, tight muscles and a black circle, trimmed by a golden ring of flames, is tattooed on his ribcage. As he raises his arms to brace his hands on the doorway, my gaze skims lower, my breath clouding out in front of my face.
“Are you going to come in?” he asks, pleased that I’m ogling him. “Or, just stand there and enjoy the view.”
Oh dear God, oh hell almighty. I’ve never experienced mortification, but I’m verging toward it at this moment; not quite there, but close. “I wasn’t enjoying the view,” I lie and not very well.
He rolls his eyes, then moves back and I walk inside, stomping snow off my boots before I step onto the carpet. He shuts the door behind me, picks up a plaid shirt off the back of the sofa, slips his arms through the sleeves and does up the buttons; covering up those wonderful abs of his. “Aislin’s not here yet.”
I nod, glancing around at the bare white walls, the empty counters in the kitchen and the two chairs that surround the small, square table in the corner. There are boxes near the back of the room, a coffee table in the center, and a hallway leading to somewhere. That’s it. His house is about as vacant as my old bedroom, which is sad.
“How long has it been since you moved in?” I ask, feeling the awkwardness filtering the air.
He shrugs as he heads for the refrigerator in the kitchen. “A few weeks ago or so.”
I unzip my jacket and wander around gawking at the labels on the boxes: dishes, bedroom stuff. “Weapons?”
“It’s a hobby.”
A hobby for what? “That’s an interesting hobby… why haven’t you unpacked yet?”
He takes two cans of soda out of the fridge and kicks the door shut. “I’m used to living out of boxes.”
Returning to the living room, he offers me a soda as I aim a questioning look at him. “How come?”
He sits down on the couch as he flicks the tab of the can. “When I was younger, my dad moved us around a lot, so it became easier to keep things packed. It’s part of life now, I guess. Honestly, I’d have no idea what to do with stuff all over the house.”
I nod as I tap my finger at the tab, internally cringing at the silence that settles in. “When’s Aislin going to be here?”
He kicks his bare feet up on the table. “Her boss made her work late. She called me about thirty minutes ago and said she was going to be like an hour late.”
“Oh.” I take a sip of my soda, unable to think of a single word to say to him, but I’ve never been much of a conversational wizard, only on rare occasions.
“You can sit down.” He pats the spot next to him on the couch. “I don’t bite.”
What if I want him to bite me? I blink the thought away, set my leather jacket on the back of the kitchen chair and join him on the sofa. The electricity scorches my skin, dispersing through my body and blood roars in my ears. I press the ice-cold soda can to my forehead, feeling like I’m on the verge of passing out.
“Do you have a headache?” Alex tips his head back and takes a sip of his drink with his eyes on me the entire time. He moves the can away from his lips and observes me with curiosity. “I have some Tylenol in the cupboard.”
I shake my head. “I’m fine. I’m just a little tired.”
“Is it your nightmares? Are they keeping you up at night?” There’s laughter in his tone.
“You know I really wish I wouldn’t have told you that.” I grimace and swallow a large mouthful of soda.
He sets his can down on the table. “Why not? I’m just trying to get you to smile. You don’t do that a lot.”
I shrug, flipping the tab until it snaps off. “Don’t you think that at twenty-one years old, people shouldn’t have nightmares? It seems like I should be passed that?”
