She nodded, closed her eyes, then whispered, "All right."
"You asked me once why I continued to ask you out. Do you remember that?"
"Yes." She did, all too well.
"I thought I had it figured out before I left Seattle. I liked you from the first. You’re a caring, warm, generous woman, and anyone spending time with you would soon realize that. I noticed it long before the day at the zoo when you were telling me about the older woman in your class who’s going through such a difficult time. You barely knew her, yet you sincerely cared about her and her problems."
"What has all this got to do with anything?"
"Just be patient. I’m coming to that."
Erin was so stiff, the muscles in her lower spine were starting to ache. She stood and pressed her hand to the small of her back and paced, walking as far as the telephone cord would stretch and then back again. She longed to rush him along, longed for this to be over as soon as possible. How painful it was, how much more difficult than she’d thought it would be.
"I realized shortly after our picnic that being with you makes me feel strong and good. Strong emotionally, strong physically. I realize that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to you right now. I’m not even sure I can explain it any better than that. Maybe later I can, but for now it isn’t the most important thing." Brand paused and inhaled a single, choppy breath. He was speaking so fast that it was difficult for Erin to understand him. And the long-distance hum wasn’t helping matters any.
"Brand…"
"Let me finish."
Erin’s mind filled with enough arguments to sink a battleship. "All right." Only she wished he’d hurry so she could say what needed to be said and be finished with it.
"The last three weeks away from you have taught me some valuable lessons. I’ve written you every day."
She didn’t need to be reminded of that. Every single message he’d mailed her was neatly stacked on her desk. She’d reread them so often, most had been committed to memory.
"Sitting down and putting my thoughts on paper has cleared up a lot of the confusion I’ve been feeling since I returned to Hawaii. It hit me almost immediately that…" He hesitated, as though he were fearful of her response. "I’m in love with you, Erin."
"In love with me?" she repeated, as though in a trance.
"I know you don’t want to hear that, but I can’t and won’t apologize for the way I feel. For the first time in my life, I’m in love. I thought I was a hundred times before, but this is different. Better. Did you hear me, Erin? I love you."
Erin squeezed her eyes closed. Of all the things he had to say, all the nonsensical, absurd, foolish things…why, oh, why, did he have to tell her that?
"Say something," he pleaded. "Anything."
All the arguments she had lined up in her mind fell like dominoes, crashing against one another, tumbling into nothingness. She was left speechless.
"Erin, sweetheart, are you still there?"
"Yes." Her voice rose an octave above its normal range. "I’m here."
"I know it’s something of a shock, blurting it out like this over the phone, but I swear to you I couldn’t hold it inside another second. Haven’t you noticed how I’ve signed my letters recently?"
She had. She’d preferred to ignore the obvious, even when it was slapping her in the face.
"A relationship won’t work with us… We’re too different."
"We’ll make it work."
Just the way he said it, without leaving room for doubt, caused Erin to wonder if it was possible. Was loving someone enough to alleviate all the problems? Was it enough to gain a compromise where there wasn’t one? Maybe it was, after all. Brand sounded so confident, so convinced.
Erin’s hold tightened around the telephone receiver. "I don’t see how."
"Erin, sweetheart… damn, I wish I was there right now. It’s hell being so far away from you."
"You’ll always be away from me." The truth was as cold and lifeless as ice water. How easy it was to forget he was navy. For a moment, just the slightest moment, she could feel herself lulled into believing a relationship was possible for them. If she allowed this false thinking to continue, he’d talk her out of everything that was important to her, everything she’d struggled to build. In the nick of time she realized what she was doing and pulled herself up short.
"I’ll be away, yes," Brand argued, "but not all the time, and when we’re together I’ll make up for lost time."
"No."
"What do you mean, no?"
"Claiming you love me doesn’t change anything." The words were easy enough to say, but she wasn’t completely sure they were true. What she had to do was pretend they were and pray he didn’t challenge her with a lot of questions.
"It does as far as I’m concerned."
"Brand, I’m sorry, I really am, but I can’t see where discussing this is going to make a difference. You love the navy. I don’t. You want to stay in the service, and I’d rather leap off a cliff naked than involve my life with anything that has to do with the military. We can talk until we’re blue in the face, but it isn’t going to change who or what we are."
Her words were greeted by a strained silence.
"You’d prefer to leap off a cliff naked?" Amusement echoed behind his words.
Perhaps it wasn’t the best way to explain her feelings, but it was one of the worst things she could think of doing, although she had to admit it was nonsensical.
"Sweetheart, listen to me."
"No, please, I can’t. It won’t do any good. The best thing you can do for the both of us is forget we ever met. It isn’t going to work, and prolonging the inevitable will only cause us both more pain."
"I love you. I can’t – "
"You’re not listening to me," she cried, hating the way her voice trembled. "You never have listened to me, and that’s the problem."
Once more Brand was silent, and this time the lack of sound seemed to throb between them like a living thing.
"All right, Erin, I’m listening."
She drew in a tattered breath and started again. "What I’m trying to explain is the plain truth, as painful as it is to accept. It will never work between us. Neither of us can adjust our needs because we happen to be physically attracted to each other."
"I’m more than physically attracted to you."
Erin decided the best thing to do was ignore that statement. "I’m honored that you would feel as strongly about me as you apparently do. Personally, I think you’re wonderful, too, but that doesn’t make everything right. It just doesn’t… even though that’s what we want."
A moment passed before he spoke. "In other words, you’re saying you don’t love me. Or, more appropriately phrased, you won’t love me."
"Yes."
He used a one-word expletive that was meant to shock her, and did. "You’re in love with me, Erin. You can deny it if you want, but it’s the truth."
"I imagine your ego chooses to believe that. If that’s the case, then all I can say is fine, believe what you want." She might have sounded as confident as a judge, but on the inside she’d rarely been more unnerved.
"Say it to me, then."
Erin closed her eyes and swallowed tightly. "Say what?"
"That you don’t love me." A strained silence passed before he demanded it of her again. "Say it!"
God help her, Erin couldn’t do it.
"Be sure and put enough emphasis on the words to make it believable," he advised, "because I know you’re lying, if not to me, then to yourself."
"You have such colossal nerve." She tried to make her statement sound as if she were highly amused by his attitude.
"Say it," he demanded a third time.
A moment passed before she was able to do as he requested. She tried to speak once, but when she opened her mouth she felt her throat start to close up, and she aborted the effort.
"Erin?"
"All right, if you insist. I don’t love you."
"Do you mean it?" he asked her softly, sounding almost amused.
If only he didn’t make it so damn difficult. She was furious with him, furious enough to put an end to this torment. "Yes, I’m sure. Now kindly leave me alone."
"As you wish." His voice was incredibly low, filled with so many emotions that she couldn’t identify them all. "Goodbye, my sweet Irish rose. Have a good life – I sure as hell plan to."
The line was disconnected while she stood holding on to the receiver. For the longest time Erin didn’t move. She stood exactly as she was, the phone pressed to her ear, the drone of the line buzzing like angry, swarming bees around her.
The wetness that spilled onto her face came as a surprise. She raised her hand, and her fingertips smeared the moisture across the high arch of her cheek.
"I will have a good life," she choked out. "I promise I will."
"I hate to keep troubling you," Marilyn said, stepping up to Erin’s scarred desk. The class had been dismissed for the evening, and Erin was sticking the leftover handouts inside her leather briefcase.
Over the past several weeks, Erin had been keeping close tabs on Marilyn, charting her progress. The older woman had looked something like a baked apple when she’d first come into class. Shriveled up and burdened by the weight of her problems. She’d worn the same dress and the same pair of shoes and little, if any, makeup. All that had gradually changed over the weeks. Marilyn had hired an attorney, gotten a part-time job with a department store and signed up for driving school. She walked a little taller and held her head higher. The going hadn’t been easy. Subject to depression and fits of rage, she’d recently confessed to Erin that she’d destroyed one entire wall of the family home.
"It’s no trouble, Marilyn. It’s always good to talk to you."
"I just wanted you to know I got my driver’s license this afternoon."
" Congratulations!"
Marilyn’s grin went from ear to ear. "I didn’t ever think I’d be able to do it, but the examiner who gave me the road test was very understanding." Excitement lit up her eyes. "I don’t mind telling you, I was nervous in the beginning. I backed out of the parking space the wrong way and then went over the curb on the way out of the parking lot. I thought for sure the examiner was going to fail me, but then I got to thinking about the things you’ve been saying in class, and I decided to make the best of it."
"And you passed?"
"By two points. They didn’t exactly throw a parade in my honor, and the examiner did talk to me two or three minutes afterward, suggesting that I take it nice and easy for a while, which I intend to do. When he told me I’d passed the test, I got so excited, I nearly kissed the man."
