“Ah! Why didn’t you tell us?” I ask. I hate that I am still clutching his arm. But how do I know that he won’t leave without my fingers on him?
“How could I?” Gabe replies. He’s dismissive. “Finn would go crazy and fret himself to death and you would become hysterical.”
“I would not,” I snap. I’m not sure if I’m hysterical right now. Everything I’ve said seems logical to me, but my voice feels a little out of control.
“Clearly.”
“We deserved to be told, Gabriel!”
“What good would it do? You two weren’t going to make any more money. What do you think I’ve been doing all these nights? I’m doing my best.”
“And then you’re leaving.”
My brother looks at me and his smile has vanished. What replaces it isn’t unhappiness. Just no expression at all, eyes narrowed against a wind I don’t feel. I can’t appeal to the feelings of this Gabe, because I can’t tell if he has any. “A person can only try so hard. I did my best.”
“That’s not good enough,” I say.
He removes his sleeve from my fingers and opens the door. The sound and smell of the pub swell into the airless room.
“That’s too bad. It’s all I’ve got.” Gabe shuts the door behind himself. I swallow my sadness as hard as I can. It only makes it halfway down my throat.
It’s all up to me. That’s what it comes down to.
I spend a long few minutes in the bathroom after he’s gone, my forehead resting against the door frame. I can’t go out right away, because then Tommy Falk will grin at me and make some stupid joke and I’ll burst into tears in public and I’m just not going to do that. I know that Brian Carroll is probably still waiting at the front of the pub for me, and I’m sorry about that, but not sorry enough to come out.
After a bit, I take a deep breath. I guess I thought, before, that somehow I could convince Gabe to stay. That somehow, through all this, he would change his mind. But it feels undeniable now. It feels like he’s already stepped onto the boat.
I slip out of the bathroom and find there’s a back door a few feet away from it. Two great decisions battle inside me for a moment — go up front, past Gabe and Tommy Falk and the staring men to where Brian Carroll maybe still waits. Or slide out the back door into the alley to lick my wounds and bide my time until the riders’ parade. Really, I just want to go home and crawl into my bed and put my pillow over my head until December or March.
I could eat my shame for dinner, it’s so thick, but I take the back door and leave Brian Carroll behind.
The wind tears down the narrow, stone-walled alley behind the pub, and as I head back to the street, I think crossly of hot chocolate and home that doesn’t feel like home anymore. I can see that there’s an even denser sea of people on the street now, and I’m feeling not at all motivated to swim in it at the moment.
Then I hear “Puck! “ and it’s Finn’s voice.
He grabs my elbow, unsteady, and for a brief, uncertain moment, I think Finn is drunk because I can believe anything of my brothers now, but then I see that he was just shoved from behind by the seething crowd. Finn finds my left hand, opens my fingers, and puts a November cake in my palm. It oozes honey and butter, rivulets of the creamy frosting joining the honey in the pit of my hand. It begs to be licked. Someone nearby screams like a water horse. My heart goes like a rabbit’s.
I let the cake drip and meet Finn’s eyes. He’s a stranger, a black demon with a ghastly white grin. It takes me a moment to properly recognize him beneath the charcoal and chalk striped across his cheeks. Only his lips are pink, where the frosting from his own November cake has rubbed him clean. He wears one of the false spears made of driftwood on his back, secured with a leather thong.
“How did you get that?” I have to shout to be heard over the mob.
Finn grabs my other hand and stuffs something into it. When I go to open my fist to see what it is, he pushes my arm closer to my body, shielding it from general view. My eyes blink at the wad of money in my palm.
Finn leans toward me. His breath is sweet as nectar; he’s had more than one cake. “I sold the Morris.”
I hurriedly shove the money out of sight. “Who gave you that much for it?”
“A silly tourist woman who thought it was cute.”
He smiles at me, teeth crooked and bright in his coal-black face, his hair crazy, and I feel my face soften into a grin. “Thought you were cute, probably.”
Finn’s smile disappears. One of the lines in Finn’s code is that you’re not to say anything about Finn being attractive to the opposite sex. I’m not sure which exact statute governs this, but it’s closely related to the one that won’t let you thank him. Something about compliments and Finn don’t work.
“Never mind,” I say. “Good job.”
“Only thing,” Finn says, licking his hand, “is I’m not sure how we’re getting home now.”
“If I make it through the riders’ parade,” I reply, “I’ll fly us home.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
SEAN
The Scorpio drums pound a ragged heartbeat as I wind my way through the crowds that fill the streets of Skarmouth. The cold air smarts as I breathe it in; the wind carries all sorts of foreign scents. Food that’s only made during the race season. Perfume only women from the mainland wear. Hot pitch, burning rubbish, beer spilled on the stones. This Skarmouth is raw and hungry, striving and unknowable. Everything the races make me feel on the inside is bleeding up through the seams in the street tonight.
In front of me, people shoulder their way through the tourists, who are slow with drink and loud with excitement. If you hold yourself a certain way, though, even the drunk will part for you. I slide through the crowd toward the butcher’s, my eyes wide open. I’m watching for Mutt Malvern. It’s better to see than be seen, until I know what he is up to tonight.
Sean Kendrick. I hear my name, whispered, then called, but I keep walking. There are many who’ll recognize my face tonight.
As I walk, I look past the people at the town that stands beneath them. The stones are gold and red in the streetlights, the shadows black and brown and deep death blue, all the colors of the November ocean. Bicycles lie up against the walls as if a wave has washed them there and then retreated. Girls push by me, their strides ringing from the bells tied around their ankles. Firelight flickers from one of the side streets, flames licking from a barrel, boys gathered around it. I look at Skarmouth and it looks back at me, its eyes wild.
On one of the walls, there’s an advertisement for the Malvern Yard. FOUR-TIME WINNER OF THE SCORPIO RACES, it says. OWN A PIECE OF THE RACES — YOUNGSTOCK AUCTION ON THURSDAY AT 7 A.M.
Everything in that advertisement is my business, but my name is nowhere on it.
I have to stop for the drummers as they crash up from a side street that leads to the water. They’re fourteen strong, driven by enthusiasm rather than talent. They all wear black. The Scorpio drums are wide as the span of my arms, the heads made of blood-spattered leather and rope. The drums throb, replacing my pulse with theirs. Behind the drummers is a woman who wears a horse’s head and a blood-red tunic. A tail curls behind her, and it’s hard to tell if it is rope or hide or a real tail. Her feet are bare by tradition. It is impossible to tell who she is.
The drums thump by and we press against the walls to allow them to pass. Some of the tourists clap. The locals stomp. The mare goddess scans the crowd slowly, the stuffed horse head dwarfing her body. I see someone make the sign of a cross over the front of them and then, again, backward this time. In the center of the street, the horse-headed woman holds out her hand and one thousand tiny pebbles rain out across the street. By tradition, she’ll drop a single shell in the course of the night, and whoever gets the mare goddess’s shell will have a wish.
There is nothing but sand in her hand this time.
One night, many years ago, as I stood beside my father, she looked at me and dropped her handful of sand and pebbles, and the single shell spun across the ground in front of me. I had darted away from my father’s side to catch the shell where it stopped. I had my wish formed before my fingers curled around it.
I turn my face to the side, waiting for the woman to pass, waiting for the memory to pass.
I hear an exhalation, at once human and equine, and I turn my head. The mare goddess stands directly in front of me, inches away. The great old gray head is turned so that the left eye regards me, like Corr would have with his one poor eye. Only this horse’s eye has been replaced with a shiny bit of slate, polished so that it winks and weeps like the piebald’s. This close, I can see the streaks of darker red in the woman’s tunic where the fabric wrinkled and caught more blood in the folds. The costume is fearfully made: Even close, it’s hard to tell how the woman ends and the false head begins, and it’s impossible to determine how she can see. I imagine I feel hot breath on my face, huffing from the nostrils. My heart speeds.
I’m once again a boy and I’m watching her hand open, releasing pebbles and sand. The island, the beach, life stretches before me.
The mare goddess seizes my chin with her hand. The shale eye stares at me. The hair around it is matted with age, too long since death.
“Sean Kendrick,” she says, and the voice is throaty, barely human. I hear the sea in it. “Did you get your wish?”
I cannot look away. “Yes. Many times over.”
The shale glints and blinks.
The voice again takes me by surprise. “Has it brought you happiness?”
The question is not one that I would normally consider. I’m not unhappy. Happiness isn’t something this island yields easily; the ground is too rocky and the sun too sparse for it to flourish. “Well enough.”
Her fingers are tight, tight, tight on my jaw. I smell blood and I see, now, that fresh blood, soaked into the shirt, has dripped onto her hands.
“The ocean knows your name, Sean Kendrick,” she says. “Make another wish.”
She reaches up and smears the back of her hand across both of my cheekbones.
Then the mare goddess turns away to follow the drummers, just a woman in a dead horse’s head. But there is something hollow inside me, and for the first time, winning doesn’t feel like enough.
I can’t get the mare goddess out of my head: the timbre of her voice, the imagined feel of her breath on my skin. My throat burns as if I’ve swallowed seawater. I swim now through the crowd, from my encounter with the mare goddess and back into the real world. I pin myself to the ground with the memory of my ordinary errand at Gratton’s. I need to settle up the account, and I need to place another order for the water horses. But my mind keeps turning over the woman in the horse head, trying to decide whose hands they could’ve been. If I can place her, I can fill the void inside me. It becomes only a parlor game again, then, if I know whose voice it was, made gritty inside the dead skull. I think it may have been Peg Gratton, no stranger to blood on her hands, and no taller than me, even with the horse head on.