She pulled her robe closed and slouched to the window, as erect as her spine would allow. Sure enough Willem, Gregory, and Ulf swarmed onto the roof. Finn dropped from the branches of the oak with a soft thud. Behind them heat lightning flashed in the purple sky, drowning the stars. As usual, the guys were naked and half changed. "It's the latest style," Willem had said when she'd complained. "All the best people are wearing it." Once more she silently thanked the unknown landscaper who had planted trees that sheltered the roof from both sun and prying eyes.
"We've got another one for you," Willem. said.
Vivian snorted. They were going through everyone's music collections looking for werewolf songs. To inspire her, Finn said, although she suspected it was for his own amusement. Last night they had sung "Moon over Bourbon Street" by someone called Sting. Their singing was hideous. The night before, while they were performing "Werewolves of London," Esmé had threatened to turn the hose on them, if she could only stop laughing.
Esmé was much too happy nowadays, since Tomas had moved in with them. Vivian had tried to spoil it by pointing out how he had run when the police came calling. Esmé had just giggled. "He's a lover, not a fighter," she said. My mother should be worried about me, not drooling over a boyfriend, Vivian thought, forgetting the number of times Esmé had come tapping at her bedroom door only to be shunned.
Gregory announced this evenings selection, "No One Lives Forever," by Oingo Boingo. Vivian rolled her golden eyes and hoped that whoever had donated the CD had been forced to listen to them practice. She turned her back on them, but her rejection didn't make them hesitate.
Even Ulf joined in these serenades, although he talked even less than usual nowadays. Gabriel had taken him in, according to Gregory, who had looked envious as he told her.
"Yeah, calls him little brother," Finn had mocked, but Vivian had seen a rare, fleeting smile on Ulf's face.
"Ass kisser," Gregory had accused affectionately, spitting at Ulf.
Everyone was happy except her.
"Come on, Vivie," Willem called through the window, startling her. "Come for a run in the woods." She hadn't even realized that the song was over.
"No," she answered without turning to face him. "And you wouldn't stay out after curfew if you were smart." She heard his sigh.
The boys left the roof quietly.
Downstairs the front door slammed and Esmé's laughter floated up from below. After a brief pause, Vivian heard the cadence of Esmé's steps up the stairs and then the predictable knock at her bedroom door.
"Vivian, honey?" Esmé's voice was tentative. "Haven't you been downstairs today?"
Vivian didn't answer. She felt mean, but she didn't want to talk.
"Vivian!" Esmé's voice was sharp. "Stop being a jerk. So what if you're stuck. Deal with it."
"That's easy for you to say," Vivian shot back.
"Oh, baby." Esmé sounded contrite. "We'll soon be up in Vermont. It'll be better there. You'll be able to get more fresh air."
"Instead of being 'the secret in the upstairs room,' you mean?"
"Oh, have it your own way," Esmé snapped, and Vivian heard her retreat downstairs.
A tapping on her window frame made her start. What do they want now? she thought angrily, and turned to tell the boys to get lost.
Gabriel stood outside.
She ran to the window and tried to close it, but with one hand and little effort he stopped her. His eyes were dark stars, his expression unreadable.
"Once upon a time," he said in a voice that was velvet thunder, "I killed the girl I loved."
Chapter 30
30
Vivian backed away from the window, afraid to take her eyes from Gabriel's face.
He ripped out what was left of the screen with one fierce yank. "I've never told anyone before, but I've come to tell you." He climbed into her room.
"Say what you came to say," Vivian demanded, her heart pounding. The faster he did the faster he would leave.
Gabriel looked around and stroked his lower lip thoughtfully with his thumb. He sat on her bed. The springs creaked in protest as he propped himself up against her pillows and stretched out his legs. He was too large for her room; his occupation of her bed too intimate. Vivian pulled the neck of her robe closer together.
"When I was first out in the world," he said, "I met a dancer in a bar. She was out of place there - too educated, too sensitive - but she had fallen on hard times. She needed someone to protect her from the guys who came on too strong. I loved to watch her dance. She was lithe and beautiful, but there was something fragile about her because, of course, she couldn't change. Just looking at her made me feel large and powerful. This excited me."
Vivian lowered herself into her desk chair. This story annoyed her.
"I couldn't keep away from the bar," Gabriel said. "The girl became my obsession. I would have done anything for her. I was surprised at how quickly I won her, because I thought she was too good for me. We became lovers and I was the happiest I had ever been. She was gentle and enthusiastic, and I believed I satisfied her, but there was always something missing for me. That feeling tormented me but I couldn't put my finger on the cause."
Vivian remembered how Aiden was always still kissing when she wanted him to bite. "I don't want to hear this," she interrupted, blushing.
Gabriel gave a short, humorless laugh. "No doubt you don't, but you will."
Vivian sighed and shut up.
Gabriel continued. "I found, however, that if I changed only the tiniest bit while we made love I had more pleasure. I thought that perhaps I felt guilty for keeping the truth of what I was from the woman I loved, and that by changing I was being more honest without actually telling her. But it became harder and harder for me not to change all the way when we were in bed together."
Up to now, Gabriel had stared straight at Vivian with a solemn intensity, but now his gaze went beyond her as if looking into the past.
"Then, one night, I went too far and I couldn't turn back." The muscles in his arms tightened and bulged as he clutched the sheets. His voice became harsh. "In the midst of a kiss, she pulled away from me and cried in terror. It was unbearable. I should have understood her fear but logic had fled. Here was my true self and she hated me. I was ashamed to scare her, crushed and angry that she rejected me. I shook her while I still had arms. 'It's only me,' I cried. 'I love you.' But my mouth had lost the shape for speech.
"She screamed and called me a filthy beast. Her words ripped me to the soul. The room flamed red. I hit her."
Gabriel closed his eyes. "One of our own could have taken that blow."
Vivian watched the rise and fall of his chest as he struggled for control. Without realizing what she did, she rose and went to him.
When he opened his eyes and looked up at her, he appeared much younger than he had before. He's only twenty-four, Vivian remembered. It was his self-assurance that made him seem much older.
"I didn't mean to kill her," Gabriel said. His voice cracked.
Vivian recalled the fear on Aiden's face, and the despair she'd felt. She sank to the bed beside Gabriel. "I know, I know." She took him into her arms.
If she hadn't jumped out the window, she could have killed Aiden.
Gabriel held on to her, his head on her shoulder. "I fled from that town, and I lived for months like a stray. I was ashamed to take on human form again."
They were quiet for a long time as she stroked his hair. Finally he sighed. "Thank you."
"You could have warned me," she muttered.
"Would you have listened? " he asked.
"No."
Gabriel kissed her neck slowly and deliberately. She jerked away. How could he bear to kiss her when she looked the way she did?
He must have guessed her thoughts. "Vivian, you are beautiful in anything you wear."
She blushed. "Why would we even be attracted to one of them?" she asked.
"Lots of reasons," he said absently as he gazed longingly at her lips. "They look like us, at least what we look like sometimes, and when you're lonely - "
"But they're not like us," Vivian broke in.
"They can't change," Gabriel said, abandoning her lips in favor of her eyes. "But I do believe they have a beast within. In some it's buried so deep they'll never feel it; in others it stirs, and if a person can't give it a safe voice it warps and rots and breaks out in evil ways. They may not be able to change, but they still can be the beast of their own nightmares. It's our blessing that we can exorcise those demons. Sometimes it's our curse."
"You've thought about this a lot," Vivian said. She'd taken him for all action, orders, arrogance.
He reached for her hand. This time she didn't pull away.
"But they can't love us," she said. "Not when they know what we are. What's that legend? A werewolf can be killed by a silver bullet fired by someone who loves him. I guess Aiden didn't love me. I didn't die."
Gabriel squeezed her hand. "Silly girl. He didn't love Rafe, and Rafe is sure as hell dead. His aim wasn't as good when he hit you, and we got the bullet out in time before it poisoned you."
"Did you? Then why am I stuck?"
He tugged her to him and caught her in his arms. "You don't understand, do you?"
"Understand what?" she asked, struggling unsuccessfully to get away.
"It's your choice," Gabriel said, nuzzling her ear. "You're doing it to yourself. If you want to, you can make the change. Relax. Let go."
"No, I can't," she said, panic trembling in her voice.
"Yes, you can," he insisted huskily. "And I know-how to help you." His lips descended on hers.
She was surprised by the intensity of his kiss. It sent a swift pang through her, and she yielded up her mouth without thinking. He tasted her thoroughly, his tongue caressing hers, demanding that she respond, and she found her hands tangled in his hair, refusing to let him stop, her nose filled with the spicy dark smell of him.
This was the kiss she had craved. The kiss that Aiden couldn't give her. Gabriel bit her lip, and she gasped and captured his mouth again with her own. He was raw and sharp and rich and throbbing with life. He was sweet blood after a long hunt. How could she have mistaken Aiden's kisses for this? They had been delicious and smooth like the brief comfort of chocolate, but they had never been enough.
Gabriel pulled her over his body to lie on the bed beside him. His kisses pressed her down into the oblivion of the mattress as her hands explored his chest, his shoulders, his face.
"I want to lay my kill at your feet," he said, more groan than words, and held her tight by her hair as he marked her neck with his teeth.
She writhed against him. She wanted to bite him, she wanted to rip the flesh from his back, but most terrible of all, she didn't want him to stop. Her back arched, her body shattered, she howled. Gabriel flung himself away. She struggled in a tangle of sheets and robe, floundering, and fell off the bed on all fours.
She let out a yelp of astonishment, then turned in circles trying to look at herself.
Gabriel sat there laughing. His hair had grown shaggy, the teeth he showed were feral. He smelled wonderful.
"Vivian," he said, a rasp in his deep voice. "When we love someone we want our lover as mate in both our skin and our fur. We couldn't do anything but reveal ourselves to our human choices."
Vivian trembled. What if her change was only one way? The bile of fear rose in her gullet. She had to prove that she was truly unstuck. Screwing her eyes tight, she claimed her human form again - and it was so easy like breathing. She staggered slightly with the excess effort.
"It was only a matter of time," she said, not wanting him to be right, yet wanting him.
Gabriel smiled at her tenderly. "No. I think that you've just proved that you'll have me."
He reached for her and kissed her again, his claws tracing lines down her back, and her legs turned to liquid, and this time it wasn't from the change.
"Why me?" she asked, holding on to him.
"Because you cared," he whispered. "You cared so much for your people, it broke your heart to see the pack in ruins. You cared so much for your mother, you risked your life for hers. You cared enough to save someone who wanted you dead. And because you walk like a queen. And just because of the beautiful curve of your neck."
Gabriel pulled off his shirt. He tossed it behind him. "Come out with me beneath the stars," he said.
If she left with him now, her world would be changed forever. She would be bound by duty for life, like her father.
Like my father, she thought, then realized, This is what I owe him. This is how I make it up to him.
"Don't wag your tail yet, wolfman," she said to cover her fear and desire. "You've bitten off more bunny than you can chew."
She followed him to the window, the blood singing in her veins.