Scarlett moved so she could place her hand on my back and rubbed it for me. When I finally stopped coughing, I straightened and she said, “Grab a stool and sit for a moment while I make you some tea.” She left me no room to argue, and waited until I’d done as she said before exiting the room onto her balcony.
I folded my arms on the counter and rested my head on them while she was gone. My energy levels were rapidly deteriorating and I wasn’t convinced I’d make it through a shift at the café today.
A couple of minutes later, the door behind me slid open and I lifted my head to see Scarlett circling the kitchen bench. She busied herself with boiling the kettle and crushing some leaves that looked to be Thyme leaves.
Her home was a tiny, old apartment that had an even tinier balcony off the kitchen, and from what I’d glimpsed, plants filled that area. The small kitchen barely fit both of us and was in dire need of renovation. Tiles were beginning to peel off the wall and the discoloured and worn countertop looked like it was out of the seventies.
As she reached into the cupboard for a mug, she said, “Thyme tea will help your cough, but I think you need a lot of rest because you seem pretty run down.”
“I can’t rest, I have too much to do at the moment.”
“Sometimes your body gives you no choice.” She placed the leaves in the mug and poured hot water over them. Turning to face me, she said, “What’s so important that it means you can’t take some time for you?”
I rested my elbows on the counter and then placed my face in my hands. “I’m working two jobs plus looking out for my sick neighbours.”
She shrugged. “So call in sick.”
“I can’t. One of the jobs is at my Mum’s café and the other job is at one of Storm’s clubs. They need all the help they can get, so I can’t let them down.” As the words fell out of my mouth, I began crying.
Geez.
Wiping at the tears, I apologised, “Sorry about this. I have no idea why I’m crying.” Embarrassment at breaking down in front of a stranger filled me, but the more I tried to hide my tears, the more they came.
Scarlett didn’t move to console me. She simply remained where she stood across the island bench from me, and said, “You must have needed to get them out. Maybe you should talk about it.”
“I don’t even know you.”
“Sometimes it’s good to talk to a complete stranger about shit. I find they don’t have the preconceived thoughts and feelings about you that your friends and family do.”
She’s right.
“Oh, God.” I took a deep breath through my tears and then let my thoughts tumble out of my mouth. “I feel like I’m only just holding everything together at the moment, including myself. And it feels like if one thing gave way, everything else would crumble with it. But I need to keep it together for Scott…” My voice trailed off as I reached for the tissue she was holding out to me.
“What’s this bullshit about holding it together for Scott? He’s your boyfriend, right?”
“Yes.”
“So why does he expect you to hold it all together for him?”
“No, he doesn’t…I’m not explaining this very well…Scott’s got a lot on with his club at the moment and I don’t want to burden him any more than I already have.” Between my sore throat and foggy mind, I was finding it difficult to explain myself.
Scarlett bent at the waist and lent her forearms on the counter. Her voice softened from the hardness it had previously held, and her eyes glossed over with a new softness as she said, “You know, sometimes we tell ourselves that our loved ones expect us to say and do things a certain way or that they expect stuff from us that they really don’t. From the little you’ve told me about Scott, I bet he’s the kind of guy who would prefer you focus on getting yourself better, rather than running yourself ragged trying to do all these things.”
I stared at her for a long moment before baring my soul. “We lost a baby a little while ago and I’ve really let him down. I don’t want to let him down any more,” I whispered.
Her forehead crinkled in a frown. “How do you figure you let him down by losing a baby? It’s not like you chose to lose the baby.”
Shaking my head, I rushed to explain. “No, I didn’t let him down by losing the baby, but I shut him out. He gave me all the support I needed and I pushed him away. And on top of that, I wasn’t there for him.” I paused as memories of what Scott and I had been through flooded my mind. I really did let him down. “He lost a baby, too, and I wasn’t there for him .” My voice cracked and a sob escaped.
As more tears fell, she remained silent, and I appreciated her lack of rushing to console me. It was what everyone I knew did whenever tears threatened – they tried to hug me and tell me everything would be okay. I wanted to scream at them that as much as a hug and a few words of encouragement were appreciated, they would never fix the hole in my heart. Sometimes, the only thing you could do was live through the pain – let it take its grip, let it almost kill you, and then when you thought you couldn’t take another step forward, you had to find the courage to do just that. Sometimes, you had to let the pain heal you in the only way it could – by showing you how much strength you had buried deep. Pain could wound like a motherfucker, but it could also teach you what you were made of.
And yet, as much as my pain had taught me, I still struggled to let go of my guilt.