'The men are armed, aren't they?' said the major, wiping his forehead. 'Oh, yes. But we've kind of advised them not to shoot unarmed old ladies, sir. We don't want another Dolly Sisters, do we, sir?'
The major stared at the map. There was a solution, he felt. 'Well, what did Sergeant Franklin do when he was-' he said absent-mindedly. 'She didn't say, sir.' A sudden feeling of relief stole over the major. 'Captain, you know what this is now?'
'I'm sure you'll tell me, sir.'
'I will, Tom, I will. This is political, Tom. We're soldiers. Political goes higher up.'
'You're right, sir. Well done, sir!'
'Dig out a lieutenant who has been a bit slack lately and send him up to tell their lordships,' said the major. 'Isn't that a bit cruel, sir?'
'Of course it is. This is politics now.' Lord Albert Selachii didn't much like parties. There was too much politics. And he particularly didn't like this one because it meant he was in the same room as Lord Winder, a man who, deep down, he believed to be A Bad Sort. In his personal vocabulary, there was no greater condemnation. What made it worse was that, while seeking to avoid him, he also had to try at the same time to avoid Lord Venturi. Their families cordially detested one another. Lord Albert wasn't sure, now, what event in history had caused the rift, but it must have been important, obviously, otherwise it would be silly to go on like this. Had the Selachii and the Venturi been hill clans, they would have been a-feudin' and a-fightin'; since they were two of the city's leading families they were chillingly, viciously, icily polite to each other whenever social fate forced them together. And right now his careful orbit of the less dangerously political areas of the damn party had brought him face to face with Lord Charles Venturi. It was bad enough having to campaign with the feller, he thought, without being forced to talk to him over some rather inferior wine, but currently the party's tides offered no way of escape without being impolite. And, curiously, upper-class etiquette in Ankh-Morpork held that, while you could snub your friends any time you felt like it, it was the height of bad form to be impolite to your worst enemy. 'Venturi,' he said, raising his glass a carefully calculated fraction of an inch. 'Selachii,' said Lord Venturi, doing the same thing. 'This is a party,' said Albert. 'Indeed. I see you are standing upright.'
'Indeed. So are you, I see.'
'Indeed. Indeed. On that subject, I notice many others are doing the same thing.'
'Which is not to say that the horizontal position does not have its merits when it comes to, for example, sleeping,' said Albert. 'Quite so. Obviously that would not be done here.'
'Oh, indeed. Indeed.'* * The Selachii and the Venturi made a point, on occasions like this, to talk only about things on which there was no possibility of disagreement. Given the history of the two families, this had become a very small number of things. A brisk lady in a magnificent purple dress advanced across the ballroom floor, her smile travelling in front of her. 'Lord Selachii?' she said, proffering a hand. 'I hear you have been doing sterling work defending us from the mob!' His lordship, on social automatic pilot, bowed stiffly. He wasn't used to forward women, and this one was all forward. However, all safe topics of conversation with a Venturi had been exhausted. 'I fear you have the advantage of me, madam . . .' he murmured. 'I certainly expect so!' said Madam, giving him such a radiant smile that he didn't analyse her actual words. 'And who is this imposing military gentleman? A comrade in arms?' Lord Selachii floundered. He'd been brought up knowing that you always introduced men to women, and this smiling lady hadn't told him her- 'Lady Roberta Meserole,' she said. 'Most people who know me call me Madam. But my friends call me Bobbi.' Lord Venturi clicked his heels. He was quicker on the uptake than his 'comrade in arms' and his wife told him more of the current gossip. 'Ah, you must be the lady from Genua,' he said, taking her hand. 'I have heard so much about you.'
'Anything good?' said Madam. His lordship glanced across the room. His wife appeared to be deep in conversation. He knew to his cost that her wifely radar could fry an egg half a mile away. But the champagne had been good. 'Mostly expensive,' he said, which didn't sound quite as witty as he intended. She laughed anyway. Perhaps I was witty, he thought. I say, this champagne really is excellent. . . 'A woman has to make her way in the world as best she can,' she said. 'May I make so bold as to ask if there is a Lord Meserole?' he said. 'So early in the evening?' said Madam, and laughed again. Lord Venturi found himself laughing with her. My word, he told himself, this wit is a lot easier than I thought!
'No, of course I meant-' he began. 'I'm sure you did,' said Madam, tapping him lightly with her fan. 'Now, I mustn't monopolize you, but I really must drag both of you away to talk to some of my friends She took Lord Venturi by the unresisting arm and piloted him across the floor. Selachii followed morosely, being of the opinion that when respectable women called themselves Bobbi the world was about to end, and ought to. 'Mr Carter has extensive interests in copper and Mr Jones is very interested in rubber,' she whispered. There were about six men in the group, talking in low voices. As their lordships approached they caught'-and at a time like this one really must ask oneself where one's true loyalties lie ... oh, good evening, Madam.' On her apparently random walk to the buffet table Madam happened to meet several other gentlemen and, like a good hostess, piloted them in the direction of other small groups. Probably only someone lying on the huge beams that spanned the hall high above would spot any pattern, and even then they'd have to know the code. If they had been in a position to put a red spot on the heads of those people who were not friends of the Patrician, and a white spot on those who were his cronies, and a pink spot on those who were perennial waverers, then they would have seen something like a dance taking place. There were not many whites. They would have seen that there were several groups of reds, and white spots were being introduced into them in ones, or twos if the number of reds in the group was large enough. If a white left a group, he or she was effortlessly scooped up and shunted into another conversation which might contain one or two pinks but was largely red. Any conversation entirely between white spots was gently broken up with a smile and an 'oh, but now you must meet-', or was joined by several red spots. Pinks, meanwhile, were delicately passed from red group to red group until they were deeply pink, and then they were allowed to mix with other pinks of the same hue, under the supervision of a red. In short, the pinks met so many reds, and so few whites, that they probably forgot about whites at all, while the whites, constantly alone or hugely outnumbered by reds or deep pinks, appeared to be going red out of embarrassment or a desire to blend in. Lord Winder was entirely surrounded by reds, leaving the few remaining whites out in the cold. He looked like all the Patricians tended to look after a certain time in office - unpleasantly plump, with the pink jowliness of a man of normal build who had too much rich food. He was sweating slightly in this quite cool room, and his eyes swivelled this way and that, looking for the flaws, the clues, the angles. At last Madam reached the buffet, where Dr Follett was helping himself to the devilled eggs and Miss Rosemary Palm was debating with herself as to whether the future should contain strange pastry things with a green filling that hinted mysteriously of prawn.
'And how are we doing, do we think?' said Dr Follett, apparently to a swan carved out of ice. 'We are doing well,' Madam told a basket of fruit. There's four, however, that are still proving awkward.'
'I know them,' said the doctor. 'They'll fall into place, trust me. What else can they do? We're used to this game here. We know that if you complain too loudly when you lose, you might not be asked to play again. But I shall station some stout friends near them, just in case their resolve needs a little . . . bolstering.'
'He is suspicious,' said Miss Palm. 'When isn't he?' said Dr Follett. 'Go and talk to him.'
'Where is our new best friend, doctor?' said Madam. 'Mr Snapcase is dining quietly but visibly, in impeccable company, some way away.' They turned when the double doors opened. So did several of the other guests, who then turned back hastily. But it was only a servant, who hurried over to Madam and whispered something. She indicated the two military commanders, and the man went to hover anxiously beside them. There was a brief exchange and then, without even a bow towards Lord Winder, all three men went out. 'I shall just go and see to the arrangements,' said Madam, and, without in any sense following the men, headed towards the doors. When she stepped into the hall the two servants waiting by the cake stopped lounging and snapped to attention, and a guard who was patrolling the corridor gave her a quick glance of interrogation. 'Now, madam?' said one of the servants. 'What? Oh. No! Just wait.' She glided over to where the commanders were in animated conversation with a couple of junior officers, and took Lord Venturi's arm. 'Oh dear, Charles, are you leaving us so soon?' Lord Venturi didn't think of wondering how she knew his first name. The champagne had been plentiful, and he saw no reason at the moment why any attractive woman of a certain age shouldn't know his name. 'Oh, there are one or two pockets of resistance left,' he said. 'Nothing to concern you, Madam.'
'Bloody big pocket,' murmured Lord Selachii, into his moustache. 'They destroyed Big Mary, sir,' said the luckless messenger. 'And they-'
'Major Mountjoy-Standfast can't outthink a bunch of gormless watchmen and civilians and some veterans with garden forks?' said Lord Venturi, who
had no idea of how much damage a garden fork could do if hurled straight down from an elevation of twenty feet. 'That's just it, sir, they are veterans and they know all-'
'And the civilians? Unarmed civilians?' said Venturi. The messenger, who was a sub-lieutenant and very nervous, couldn't find the right words to explain that 'unarmed civilian' was stretching a point when it was a 2001b slaughterhouse man with a long hook in one hand and a flensing knife in the other. Young men who'd joined up for the uniform and a bed all to themselves did not expect that kind of treatment. 'Permission to speak freely, sir?' he tried. 'Very well!'
'The men haven't got the heart for it, sir. They'd kill a Klatchian in a wink, sir, but. . . well, some of the old soldiers are from the regiment, sir, and they're shouting down all kinds of stuff. A lot of the men come from down there, and it's not good for them. And what some of the old ladies shout, sir, well, I've never heard such language. Dolly Sisters was bad enough, sir, but this is a bit too much. Sorry, sir.' Their lordships looked out of the window. There was half a regiment in the palace grounds, men who'd had nothing to do for several days but stand guard. 'Some backbone and a quick thrust,' said Selachii. That's what's needed, by lo! Lance the boil! This is not a cavalry action, Venturi. And I'll take those men. Fresh blood.'
'Selachii, we do have orders-'
'We have all kinds of orders,' said Selachii. 'But we know where the enemy is, don't we? Aren't there enough guards here? How many guards does one fool need?'
'We can't just-' Lord Venturi began, but Madam said, 'I'm sure Charles will see that no harm comes to his lordship,' and took his arm. 'He does have his sword, after all. . .' A few minutes later, Madam glanced out of the window and saw that the troops were quietly moving out. She also noticed, after watching for some time, that the guard patrolling in the hall seemed to have vanished. There were rules. When you had a Guild of Assassins, there had to be rules which everyone knew and which were never, ever broken.* * Sometimes, admittedly, for a given value of 'never'. An Assassin, a real Assassin, had to look like one - black clothes, hood, boots and all. If they could wear any clothes, any disguise, then what could anyone do but spend all day sitting in a small room with a loaded crossbow pointed at the door?
