“How are things going?” he asks.
“Terrible,” I admit, and I feel the dreaded tears sting my eyes. Matt pulls out a handkerchief and offers it to me. I take it and dab at my eyes. “It’s just hard. The kids don’t know me, and Seth’s not really interested in letting me get to know the little ones. He won’t even let me read them a bedtime story. He cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he does everything, and I have never felt more useless in my life.” I look up and realize Matt’s listening. He’s really, really listening.
“Seth has been taking care of his sisters for a really long time,” Matt says softly. “He’s used to doing it all by himself. He did it when his mom was in chemo. And he did it all through her treatments. It’s normal for him. He doesn’t mind it because it’s what he knows.”
“The little ones keep asking when she’s coming back, like she’s on vacation or at the office.” My throat is so thick that I feel like I’m going to choke.
He winces. “That’s got to be tough,” he says.
“I just wish I knew what to do from here,” I admit. I have no idea how to be a mom. I don’t know what to do for fevers, and I can barely change a diaper. Thank God the littlest one is almost potty trained. Although I am learning diapering out of sheer necessity. You put one on crooked, and you’re screwed.
“Are you going to keep them?” he asks.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I admit. “I just don’t know. I don’t have to go back to work just yet. They’re letting me work from home. Well, not my home—Kendra’s home.”
“You’re still staying there?” he asks.
I nod. “For now. I thought it would be better for them to have someplace familiar, surrounded by their toys, their own beds, and even their mom’s things. At least for the moment.”
Matt takes my elbow in his grip and stops. “Skylar,” he says.
“What?” I look into his blue eyes and am almost startled at the intensity of his gaze.
“Can you love them? Really love them? Because there’s no shame in admitting you don’t want them or can’t take care of them. They deserve better.”
“They do deserve better than me,” I whisper. “But I’m all they have.” I snort, just because I can’t help it. “Honestly, Matt,” I say, “I can’t even keep a houseplant alive. What am I thinking?”
He brushes a lock of hair from my forehead. “Do you want to know what I think?” he asks.
“What?” I breathe. We’re in the middle of a crowded street, but I have never felt quite so separated from the rest of the world.
“I think you can do it. I have faith in you.”
“Why?” I ask. “You don’t even know me.”
“Because you care,” he says. “That’s all kids need. For someone to care.”
“Do you have kids?” I ask.
He shakes his head as a veil falls over his eyes. “No. Can I borrow yours sometimes?”
I laugh. “Kind of like a cup of sugar?”
He shakes his head. “I wouldn’t bring the cup of sugar back. The kids on the other hand…” He raises and lowers his hand like he’s weighing his words.
I laugh.
“I can’t have kids,” he says. “Or at least the chances are slim.” He puts up a hand when I open my mouth to ask a question. I know he had cancer, but I don’t know what kind or what his prognosis is. “Not being able to have something really has a tendency to make you want it more.” He points to Seth’s back. “See, you got three at once, and I can’t even have one.” He chuckles and nudges my shoulder with his. He keeps walking, and I stay beside him. “How does your boyfriend feel about them?” he asks.
I shrug my shoulders. “We haven’t really discussed it.”
“Don’t you think you should?” His brow furrows as he looks down at me.
“That’s complicated.”
Matt takes in a deep breath. “I have a confession to make,” he says. “Do you want to hear it?”
“Of course.”
“In the church, when I took your hand, it wasn’t just because you were trembling.”
My heart lurches, but now we’ve arrived at the restaurant. He ushers me through the door with a hand at the small of my back, and the time for small talk is over. Crap.
Matt
My brothers are pigs. I have known this for a long time, but it’s never more evident than when they’re all in one place. And in public. Sam and Pete are having an arm wrestling match in the middle of the table while we wait for the waitress to bring the check. Mellie and Joey have fallen asleep. They’re draped across Seth at angles that don’t look remotely comfortable, but I think he’s used to his sisters being all up in his space. His hand trails down Mellie’s back absently, and he looks down at her fondly, his smile soft. I go and sit down next to him.
“How’s it going, Seth?” I ask.
He shrugs and looks everywhere but at me. “Fine,” he says.
I nod and wait a moment. I’m pretty sure no one is paying us any mind, so I say what’s in my heart. “I remember when my mom died. People kept asking me if I was okay, and I told them I was, but I really wasn’t. Not even close.”
His gaze jerks to meet mine. “Your mom died?”
I nod. I hate talking about Mom because then I have to talk about Dad, too. “My mom died. I was a little younger than you. Then not long after that, our dad left, too.” I sweep my hand toward my brothers. “Then it was just the five of us.”
Seth heaves a sigh. “Sucks,” he grunts out. Then he lets his head fall back, and I finally see it. I see some of the exhaustion.
“Sucks ass,” I reply. “But all you can do is play the cards you’re dealt.” I point toward Skylar where she’s talking with Reagan, Emily, and Friday. She’s so damn pretty when she smiles that she takes my breath away. But if there was ever a woman who was out of my league, it’s Skylar Morgan. “How are things going with your aunt?” I ask.
“Fine,” he clips out. He looks at her, but there’s more curiosity than fondness.
“You getting to know her?”
He shrugs.
“You should let her help you some,” I suggest. “She mentioned that she’s feeling a little left out.”
His gaze shoots up to mine again. “She did?”
I nod. “Do you hope she’ll just hang around until you don’t need her anymore?”
“I don’t need her now.”
“You can’t do it all by yourself, Seth. No one can.”
He points to his chest. “I can.”
“You’re sixteen years old.”
His face clouds, and it’s honestly the most emotion I have ever seen on the kid’s face. “I know how old I am. I also know that I promised my mom I’d take care of them.”
“Would it hurt to accept some help?” I ask. I nudge his shoulder. “When does wrestling start?”
“Next week, but I’m not going out.” His brow furrows. “I don’t have time.”
“How much time do you need?”
He sighs heavily. “It’s two hours every day after school. Matches on the weekends and one night a week. Mellie and Joey are already in day care all day. I can’t put them with a babysitter, too.”
“You don’t have to put them with a babysitter. Leave them with their aunt.” I point toward Skylar, and she catches me, her eyes narrowing. I shake my head at her. She gets it, but she’s still curious. “She’s their legal guardian, Seth. Not you.”
His voice is quiet when he speaks, so quiet that I can barely hear him, but I make out the words. “I’m afraid if I ask her for too much, she’s going to leave. Then we’ll all go to foster homes and be split up. No one else wants us.” His jaw ticks as he clenches his teeth. “Do you know they asked my dad to take all of us?”
I didn’t know that. “And?”
“And he said he’d take me, but he wouldn’t take Mellie and Joey.” He looks down at them, his gaze softening but he’s still angry. “Can you believe that? He’d give them to someone else. Anyone else. My mom would shit a brick if she knew.” He shakes his head. “Sucks.”
“Sucks ass,” I say again.
Seth grins. “Sucks ass,” he repeats.
Pete walks in front of me, and I reach out and shove his hip. He looks down at me. “Are you guys talking about my ass?” he asks. He looks down at his butt, making a big deal of it. “I mean, damn, I know it’s pretty, but still.”
I place my shoe on his butt and kick him to the side. He walks and hides behind Reagan. “Look what he did, princess,” he says. “He kicked me.” He wraps his arms around her and says, “Go kick his ass for me, will you?” He shoves her in my direction. Everyone knows that Reagan is a martial arts expert and she’s flipped me over her shoulder more than once in practice situations.
I hold up my hands in surrender. “Please don’t,” I say. “I had cancer,” I remind the crowd. I still get brownie points.
Reagan laughs. “You can’t pull the cancer card anymore,” she says. “Two years with a clean bill of health.” She holds up two fingers. “Remember, we had a party to celebrate?” She flops down beside me, and I put my arm around her and pull her over to kiss her forehead. There was a time when she couldn’t have been in a crowded room without being anxious and nervous, but she’s not like that now. Not since her attacker was caught and put in jail. He died there, so she didn’t have to face him in court. Reagan is much more self-assured now that the mess is behind her. Sure, some things still get to her, but most of the time, she’s just Reagan. She’s Pete’s girl and part of the family.
I notice they’re all getting to their feet. “Did you guys pay the bill?” I ask.
Paul nods. Skylar is trying to push money at him, but he refuses. I have to remind myself to pay him for their part of dinner later. She protests, but he ignores her, just like he should. She huffs and shoves the money into her purse.
“Thank you for inviting us,” she says. She goes to Seth and starts to take Mellie from him, but I reach around her and pick up the sleeping girl instead. Mellie wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist, and she clings to me like she’s a Velcro monkey. My heart stutters a little. I like this feeling. I like it a lot, and my heart aches because I will never have this.
“I can take her,” Skylar says, holding out her hands.
“I got her,” I say, and Seth stands up with Joey wrapped around him. I hitch Mellie a little higher, and she makes a snuffling noise against my neck. I don’t have any desire to put her down.
“We’ll see you at home?” Paul asks, shooting me a questioning glance.
I nod. He rushes all our brothers out the door as Reagan, Emily, and Friday say good-bye to Skylar. I hear some murmured words about calling them if she needs help, and she smiles at them and goes in for a round of hugs. We step out onto the sidewalk, and she says to me, “I can carry her. The apartment’s not far.” She raises her hands again, and I turn my body away, blocking her.
“I’ll carry her home,” I say. I would feel like a heel if I let her, and she would never be able to carry Mellie all the way in those heels she’s wearing, anyway. And secretly, I’m glad I got the opportunity to spend some time with the kids.
She lets us into the apartment, and Seth walks toward the room the girls share, if the two beds are any indication. He pulls the covers back and drops Joey onto the sheets. He pulls her coat off and tosses her shoes to the side, and then pulls the covers up over her. I do the same with Mellie, and I’m glad they didn’t have to take baths or change into jammies because they’re not related to me and I wouldn’t know what to do with that.
“Thanks for the help,” Seth says quietly.
“Anytime,” I reply. He turns to walk out of the room, but I grab his shoulder. “Seth,” I say. “You’re not alone, kid.”
He looks into my face. “I know,” he replies softly. “Good night.” He turns out Mellie and Joey’s light and pulls the door closed behind us.
“’Night,” I say.
I blow out a heavy breath as I walk back out to the living room. Seth disappears into his room without even a comment toward Skylar.
I jerk my thumb toward Seth’s room. “You always get the silent treatment from him?” I ask. Makes me want to jerk a knot in his ass, but he’s not mine. And I don’t think he’s doing it to be disrespectful. I think he’s doing it to ease her burden to a point where it’s nonexistent. I don’t know if I should jack him up or give him a medal.
She shrugs. “I don’t mind.” But her voice is small. “The girls all tucked in?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I say. I follow her to the kitchen. I would like to say it’s just so that I can talk to her, but it’s kind of because I like the view of her ass. She’s kicked her heels off and is padding around in her stockings. I wonder if they’re thigh highs with one of those little garter belt things. I swipe a hand down my face, trying to wipe my thoughts away. She has a boyfriend.
Skylar pulls a bottle of wine from the fridge and pours a glass. “Have some?” she asks.
I’m not really a wine drinker. “No, thanks.”