My eyes bored into his. I knew a wash of anguish, memorizing those incandescent green eyes. It was harder to let go than I’d thought. The swirl of emotions panicked me till I felt like a girl drowning in the churning waves, battling an undertow that was unexpectedly strong.
I fought it, tossing off a studiously careless reply. “I’m always careful,” I said blithely, and when he frowned at that, I added, “In my own way.”
“Just remember what I’ve told you,” he said, his own voice gone cool. “Remember to be discreet about the things you’ve seen.”
My twinge of sadness crystallized into anger. Just the notion that he might not trust me made me quivery with a weird cocktail of resentment and embarrassment.
Things had been even worse when I’d run into Amanda. She was so distracted when I’d seen her in the dining hall, I’d wondered what I was doing even sitting with her. I didn’t know if they were worried about me, or if it was themselves they were protecting.
So much for the connection I’d thought we’d all had.
It was that mix of annoyance and mortification that fed my response to Ronan. “You mean, don’t tell anyone that I followed you to a forbidden part of the island.”
His nod was tight, reluctant. “To keep information to yourself is to keep yourself safe.”
I crossed my arms tightly across my chest. “Is that a threat?”
“Good Christ, girl. Of course it’s not a threat.”
“Well, your stupid secret is safe with me. You and Amanda, and your cliff-top hideaway, too. I’ll stay shut up about all of it.”
He scraped his hand through his hair, spiking it every which way. “For someone who claims to be so smart, you certainly can be dim. This isn’t about the cave, or Amanda. I’ve been doing everything in my power—everything—to keep you safe.”
“I don’t claim to be smart. I am smart.” I stood tall, imagining myself as powerful as my words.
He looked me up and down, and I practically saw the cogs spinning in his head. “Are you drinking more than your prescribed dose of the blood?” Our eyes locked and held, and as he read the truth on my face, his shoulders fell. “You must be cautious. Too much can be dangerous.”
“It makes me stronger.”
“It makes you volatile.”
“I’ve had only a little extra. To heal my rib…seeing as I couldn’t tell anybody.”
He shook his head, exasperated. “I warned them against sending you on this mission.”
I bristled, readying for the same old argument. “Because I’m too young?”
“Because you haven’t had enough training. Most girls experience their first mission as a part of the final test to become a Watcher. But you, you’ve been here one term, and simply because you have a facility with language, they’re sending you off, where you will quite likely get killed.”
“Whoa.” I actually took a step back. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
His words shook me. Would I get killed? I told myself it was only that Ronan didn’t appreciate my skills.
But I knew someone who did—Alcántara. When I was with the vampire, I felt expansive and full of potential, like a seedling exposed to daylight for the first time.
It was unsettling that Ronan guessed I’d snuck extra doses of the blood. But how could it be a bad thing when I felt stronger than ever? I’d thrown myself into my physical training, working out harder than ever. I’d even mastered those stupid pull-ups. The blood brought me alive with a prickly, zinging feeling that’d put me more in touch with my body and the world around me. I was more attuned to smells, sounds, the sensation of bodies near in space.…
With that thought, I sensed them. Emma and Yasuo were approaching. Ever since my little talk with Emma, things had taken off between the two of them, and they’d become mostly inseparable.
I turned, and there they were, walking so closely, their arms were touching. Although it wasn’t exactly forbidden, outright PDA would’ve been pretty stupid. This was the Isle of Night, not the mall, and at the moment I was grateful for it. The last thing I needed was to see Emma and Yas with their hands in each other’s back pockets.
But what did his status as vampire Trainee mean for their relationship in the long term? Someday, would it be Yasuo who sent us on missions? How would they sustain a relationship then? I thought of some of the other guys…Kevin, Rob, Josh. Would they have the right to order us around one day?
Just the very notion rankled. And where was Josh, anyway? I realized I hadn’t seen him all week. “Where’s the third stooge?”
At the tone in my voice, Emma looked as if I’d slapped her.
Crap. Was Ronan right? Was I acting volatile? I’d immersed myself in my preparations, trying to impress Alcántara, but had my excitement about the mission made me lose sight of who my friends really were? Because that sure had sounded decidedly unfriendly. I cut a glance at Ronan, standing there about as readable as a sphinx.
My greeting put Yas on his guard. “Josh, you mean? He’s in class.”Ronan hoisted his bag higher on his shoulder. “Which is where I need to go.” He gave me a weighty look. “Remember what I said, Annelise. Be careful.”
I nodded, uncertain what to say. I’d been angry, but now I was just kind of disturbed. Was I too inexperienced, drinking too much blood, in over my head? Was I in danger? Though I had no answers, I was left with the sneaking suspicion that yes, Ronan might actually, honestly care.
My throat tightened with an unexpected surge of emotion. This was it. Ronan looked away, and hard as I willed it, he didn’t meet my eyes again.
Good-bye.
He walked away before I could manage the word, and I was struck with something sharper than anxiety, deeper than anger. Those feelings seemed stupid now—a silly, childish waste of energy. Was this regret I felt? Because chances were good I’d never see him again.
I’d gotten caught up in the mission when I should’ve been warier than ever of Alcántara—after all, he was sending me on an operation from which I might not return alive. My vanity and the vampire’s attentions had made me cocky, but I wasn’t invincible. Maybe I’d caught Alcántara’s fancy, but he could easily tire of me at any time. Tire of me and kill me.
I could never fully trust a vampire, or anything about a system where it was guys and guys alone who sat on the top of the totem pole. I was one of his favorites, sure, but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Any situation in which there was a high likelihood I’d end up dead was, by definition, not a good thing.
The magnitude of it all overwhelmed me. As did the nagging feeling that I’d messed something up with Ronan. We played for keeps on this island, and I’d taken his caution on my behalf for granted. His advice had been a gift, and I’d spurned it like an unruly child. But it was too late. There were no do-overs on Eyja næturinnar.
I faced my friends. “I’m sorry, guys. I think I’m just nervous.” My voice was uncertain, and it gave truth to my words.
Emma loosened up at once and gave me an understanding smile. “Of course you are. When do you leave?”
I shrugged. “A few days from now.”
“Have you learned where you’re going yet?” asked Yasuo.
Alcántara’s words echoed in my head: These things must remain between us. “I—I don’t know what the plan is.”
They shared a look, and Yasuo said, “She’s lying.”
Emma squinted at me and asked with a tease in her voice, “Are you lying, Blondie?”
“Since when do you call me Blondie?” I scowled playfully, jerking a thumb toward Yasuo. “He’s bad enough. Jeez, guys, I spend a few weeks in training—”
“In hiding,” interrupted Yas.
I nudged him with my shoulder. “In training. I lie low for a little while, and you brainwash farm girl here.”
And boom, like that, it was all good between the three of us again, as teasing and easy as before.
But afterward, I did go into hiding. I couldn’t deal with running into any of them, with the pain of these protracted exchanges that only I knew were good-bye. Just as I couldn’t deal with the questions cropping up for me.
Like, what did this connection with Alcántara mean for me? What did it mean for all of us that there were evil vampires out there, meeting and plotting?
If I wanted to survive, I needed to focus. So I dug in, and trained hard, and then I woke up one morning, and it was time.
I went to the dining hall for breakfast, and by lunch I was on a boat.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
We set off when the sun was at its highest, in a rusted-out trawler that stank of petrol and rotting fish. A couple of fishermen from town were at the helm, and I studied them, taking in their weathered faces and faded overalls. Might they be related to Ronan? His family was out there somewhere—a father maybe, or a brother, someone with the same eyes, the same ways, the same habit of raking the hair back from his face.
I scrubbed a hand over my own face. Scrubbed Ronan from my mind. He was a thing of my past now. I had to look forward if I planned to survive what was coming.
I was here with Alcántara, and that should’ve been the only thing demanding my attention.
The day wasn’t bright by any means, but the sky was bleached whiter than usual and sunlight reflected off the water. Looking pained, the vampire shielded himself from the glare, pulling his hood low over his face and holding it fast in the wind.
I eyed his hand, so pale against the coarse black fabric. “So vampires don’t like the light after all?”
He cut his eyes to peer at me through the shadow of his cowl. “Curiosity killed the cat, querida.”
“I thought you liked me curious,” I said with a raised brow.
He chuckled at that, and the energy that snapped between us felt like a triumph. “Yes, I confess I do appreciate a keen mind.”