"You aren’t a monster, I am. I'm a monster, Emma. I made you scared of me and it's too late to fix it. I'll never get the chance to repair the damage I did. Nothing is gonna take away from the fact, that I hurt the only thing in the world I ever loved." He steps away and grabs another bucket.
I don’t know which to respond to, the fact he called me a thing or that he loved me. My chest feels like it's going to explode. I almost gag on my way back to the cabin. Jake opens the door when I touch the handle. I jump and slosh the water on myself. He takes the bucket; his eyes search mine for things, I don’t know if I can hide. Leo goes in the house with Jake.
I turn and leave back for more buckets of water. Will passes me the next one in silence. I don’t know if that’s worse than his talking, both rip my heart from my chest.
I pause and watch him fill the next bucket. The dark hides just enough things from me.
"I can't love right," I blurt out.
He looks back at me, "What?"
"My love isn’t normal. I love too fast and too much and hate too fast and too much. Nothing about me is normal. I loved Jake the first time I saw him and same for you. The thing they made me, makes me not feel things like other people. My emotions don't work properly. I feel some things too much and others not at all. The doctor told me never to love and never to reproduce, ‘cause they don’t know what I'll make. He told me I couldn't ever be normal." I turn and leave quickly. I'm ashamed the words are out there in the dark, floating around. I don’t want him to know how I feel about him or the flaws in my system. The door opens, but instead of handing Jake the bucket, I walk past him and drag it to Mary's room. I knock and pass it to her, "For washing." I carry it in and sit on the bed. The blond monster is sleeping. I look at him and feel it, the sickening connection to him. His instability is mine.
"You okay?"
I spin and shake my head, "I'm not. They made me pregnant and then killed the baby. I bled all the way to my knees for days. I peed my pants from the tube they stuck up there, that I pulled out. The doctor told me I'm not normal; my real dad is the one who's behind all of this breeder baby nonsense. My mom was patient number one for it." I plunk down on the edge of the bed and stare at the wall, "I don’t know what to do to feel safe again. I used to feel that here. Now I feel sick. Something could happen to any one of us and that scares me."
She drops to her knees in front of me, "Em, that’s normal. Before I had Andy, I was so selfish and free. Then I got taken and they made me get pregnant at the farms. I had a seizure and ended up in the medical ward. When the doctor wasn’t looking I got away. I gave birth alone in the forest and then Marshall and Will found me. They too had escaped from the farm but years earlier. Marshall was a doctor—he saved me. They brought me to the retreat, it was new then. I was a mess, I cried for months. I lied about Andy being a real baby. I had nightmares about them taking him and making me go back and have more babies. The panic and stress were overwhelming. Then one day, Will dragged me off and gave me a firm talking to. Andy was showing signs of me being a bad mom; he cried all the time and was nervous. I couldn’t breastfeed him. My milk dried up from the nerves. Will made me see the things, I was imagining weren't real."
I feel a bit bad for judging her and the brat, sort of.
She squeezes my hands and I notice the tears making her brown eyes shiny, "You are scared because you have people to care about. If it was just you and your wolf, you'd be calm—he can take care of himself. But you're not. You have Sarah, Meg, Anna and Jake. They all need you, even if it's just for friendship. You're a young woman growing up in a world where love and bright spots are few and far between. Take those moments and cherish them. If you fall in love a hundred times between now and the minute you die, be grateful you had so much love. If you only love once and it's deep and passionate, be grateful for the constant love and companionship of that. We don’t live in the world of guarantees anymore, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a world of possibilities. You're young, love everyone and anyone who will love you back and treat you with respect."
I nod, "Thanks, Mary. I needed that."
Her warm brown eyes make me relax. She lifts up onto her knees and brushes her lips against mine softly. The soft sweetness of the kiss pulls the air from my chest.
She sits back on her heels and smiles sweetly, "Good night."
I stand off the bed and walk from the room muttering, "Night." I close the door and press my back against it. I like it when she kisses me.
I walk back out the door to the well, where Will is carrying back the last couple buckets. He stops and looks at me. I put a hand on his chest, "I don’t want anything from you but respect. I think if you can respect me as a person and treat me with kindness, we can be friends."
He looks confused but doesn’t move, "Is that what you're offering me?"
I nod.
He smiles lightly, "I don’t want to be your friend, but if that’s important to you, then it's important to me."
The heat where my hand is rested on his chest is burning, "It's important to me. I want to be a normal girl—after I kill my dad and destroy everything he has built." I feel the slow grin crossing my lips.
"Yeah, that'll make you normal," he laughs.
My grin matches his. I take a bucket from his hands and turn to walk away. I expect his hands on my arms, spinning me around, but he doesn’t do it. He respects the friend request.
"You know before the world ended, people got to know each other before they met in real life," he says.
I look at him, "I remember that. My friend Rachel's mom left one day to be with a man in Canada. She never met him before that day, they played video games together. Rachel and her dad were devastated." I had forgotten about that.
"Might have been the better way to get to know people. No infected and worldwide disasters to contend with. It was just plain talking and being the person you wanted them to see. Not like now, where I spend most of my time wishing I could show you the person I was once."
I glance up at him and try to see the man I want him to be, "Maybe." I don’t have fancy words to make him feel okay, I wish he was a better man. Not just for me but for everyone. The fact he wishes it too, makes me hopeful.
I nudge him gently, "Maybe one day, the world will come back and we can get to know each other again."
His eyes burn, ignoring the smile on his lips, "I can wish for that, I guess. Or I can just start being the person I want to be, when I'm with you."
I laugh, "I won't hold you to anything." I open the cabin door and feel the twinkle in my eyes, "I also won't hesitate to shoot you, if you get mean again."
His eyes don't change, "Fair enough." He waits for me to walk inside. I catch a glance from Leo. He doesn’t like it when I'm alone with Will. He doesn’t like Will. I don’t really blame him.
Chapter Nine
The hike down the mountain feels like something I have never felt before. I glance at Anna and smile, "Feels like we have family to come home to, huh?"
She nods, "It’s the first time I've ever felt this. There is someone waiting for us, at a place that’s home. We have people, Em."
I sigh, "I almost don’t want to jinx it and be too excited."
"Can we get a truck or a car?" Jake asks.
Anna flings a stick at him, "Stop being a baby."
He looks exasperatedly at her, "Dude, it's far. You don’t remember how far it was, it was a long ways."
She sticks her tongue out at him. Will is quiet, hopefully not moody. He hasn’t said much since we talked the other night.
"Where would we find a truck? With gas?" Will asks and walks faster, "We need the time to plan."
Jake nudges against me, "She don't need a plan, Will. She'll just bust the doors down and kick the shit out of everyone—Terminator style."
I shake my head and ignore the flames crossing my cheeks. Anna looks as confused as I am, but Will laughs. I like it when he laughs.
I glance at him, "I was thinking maybe we could go to the breeder farms, get nurse and doctor outfits, and then drive into the city, like we just finished shift. That’s what she called it right, Anna?"
She winces, "Yeah, shift."
Will nods once, "That’s a smart idea."
Jake hovers; he's starting to make me uncomfortable with his clinging to me. I don’t know what to say to him. He slips his hand over mine, cradling mine and swinging it. I look up at him and shake my head, "Eyes on the wolf."
Anna snorts, "He expects you to save him."
I frown mockingly, "He should know me better than that, I always run."
He wraps an arm around me and squeezes me. I trip him on purpose. He goes down like a falling tree. He grabs me and drags me down with him. Leo growls. I laugh putting a hand in the air, "It's okay, buddy."
Leo doesn’t like it. He shoves Will and growls. Anna drops to her knees fast and calls him. She's shaking she's laughing so hard.
Will looks pissed, "Jake attacks you and he tries to bite me?"
I laugh. Anna puts her hands out, "Come here, boy." He walks to her, still eyeballing Will and lowers his face. Jake grabs my foot and tries to drag me back.
I look back at him and am instantly pulled up roughly. I'm about to pull an arrow and shoot Will in the ass for manhandling me, but his face stops me. He puts a finger to his lips. I crouch and crawl to Leo. I put my finger in his fur and watch them. It's a group of military. They have the bandanas around their throats like the people in the city.
Jake crawls to us. I push him down into the grass and put a finger to my lips. Will looks at me, "We could take their truck."
I nod. Three of them are out of the small pickup, walking around. One is in the driver’s seat. They are looking and wandering about; they're looking for something.