“That was a little uncalled for, don’t you think?” Regan scolded.
“No. And where’s Kynan?”
“He’s patrolling outside.” She moved toward him, looking beautiful and perfect and like she belonged here. “Are you okay?”
Steeling himself for what needed to be done, he stepped out of her reach. “I’m fine.”
“Don’t bullshit me. Something’s wrong.”
Very wrong. He wanted to grab her, hold her tight, and make love to her until everything was right. But he’d be using her again, to make himself feel better, and nothing would ever be right again.
“You know, I wondered for so long why my siblings and I were assigned our specific roles. But it all makes sense now. Ares was, and is, a warrior who will never quit fighting. War fits him. Limos is Famine because she’s always been hungry. First for recognition and power, and then for love and acceptance. Reseph … we used to joke that he was Pestilence because he was such a pest, but he’s proven to be a plague on mankind, hasn’t he?”
“And you?”
He paused, unsure how to go down this bumpy highway to hell.
“Is it because you want… you want to die?”
He dropped his gaze, and she stiffened at whatever it was she saw in his eyes. “In a way, I guess I want to see an end to this.”
Her vile curse astonished him, and then she was in his face, taking his hand and settling it on her belly. “Death isn’t all you are, Thanatos. You made this baby. You made life.”
God, his chest ached. “But there’s such a fine line, isn’t there?”
Regan clung to his hand. “Whatever is wrong, let me help you. If you need me to hold you close so the death vibes are muted, or if you need sex … whatever it is, I’ll help.”
Help? Yeah, she would. And he’d be using her. He’d be a bastard user who put his family in danger for his own selfish reasons. It was so tempting to drop to his knees and kiss the swell where his son grew, to feel the life inside and worship the woman who had given it. Instead, he tugged his hand away, took another step back, and made his words, his voice, harsh. Pitiless.
“I’m death, Regan. I can’t allow my son to grow up around it. Around me. And if we fail to kill Pestilence the moment our son is born, he’ll always be in danger. He needs to be hidden from Pestilence. You were right. You won, Aegi. Give the baby to someone who can keep him safe as planned.”
“What?” She looked shell-shocked. “Thanatos, this isn’t about winning. Is that what you think? I mean, it was about doing what The Aegis thought was best, but—”
“And you were right.” Fuck. He wanted to hold her, protect her, but he kept his distance. Barely. “I wasn’t meant for anything but killing. When the baby is born, take him to parents who will raise him properly. And never come back here, Regan. Never.” And then he struck the killing blow. Because he was so f**king good at that. “I don’t want you anymore.”
Thirty-three
I don’t want you anymore.
Regan’s chest caved in. Thanatos’s words stung like a million bee stings, cut like a million knives. He was serious about wanting her and the baby to leave, although how that could be, she didn’t know. After all his protests, after all he swore he wanted to be a father, now, when she needed him most, why would he decide to give up the rights to his son?
“Thanatos, don’t do this.”
The scorpion on his throat stabbed at his jugular with its stinger. “Why not? It’s what you wanted.”
“But it’s not anymore.”
“Okay, I’ll bite. What is it you want now? To leave the baby with me and then run off to join your Aegis buddies? To hook up with Decker, unburdened by the inconvenience of an unwanted child?”
Her mouth fell open. Closed. Opened again. “Is that really what you think? Have I been that … awful?”
A mix of emotions cracked the hard mask of indifference on his face, and the scorpion’s tail became a rapid-fire jab into his throat.
“No,” he said roughly.
Okay, so he was holding anger up like a shield against emotions that would hurt. She got that. She so got that. Hell, she’d just apologized to Decker for spending years being an angry bitch to her colleagues. The more shielding she’d had in place, the less she thought they could hurt her.
Crippling helplessness had her searching her brain for words that could ease his fears and change his mind, but if she’d learned anything about the Horseman in her time here, it was that he was stubborn as the mules on her foster grandparents’ farm.
Ignoring the twinges in her lower back, she took his hand, frantic to set things straight. “You don’t need the anger. You need to listen to me. I don’t want to leave the baby with you and run off with Decker.” How ridiculous was that, anyway? “I want to stay here with you. I want to raise this child together.”
“Regan,” he croaked, “I can’t.”
“Please.” She flicked her finger over his armor scar and then put her palm over his heart, taking comfort in the strong beat. “I’ve lost the only family I’ve ever known. I’ve lost my job. My friends. I can’t lose you, too.”
“It’s impossible, Regan. As long as Pestilence lives, you and our son will be in danger.”
“Bullshit,” she snapped, and his head whipped back like she’d slapped him. “With the Apocalypse coming, there’s no safe place anymore. So what’s the real story?”
“The danger is the real story.”
“I just said there’s no safe place—” she sucked in a harsh breath. “You’re worried about you. You’re afraid you’re a danger to your son.”
His throat convulsed on a hard swallow. “I just saw a father, out of his mind with rage, kill his own children. I know what I’m like when I’m in one of my death hazes. I don’t know what I’m doing. Everything I touch is poisoned, Regan.” He dragged the collar of his turtleneck down, tearing it to expose the entire scorpion. “This … this is the only tat I have that wasn’t taken from a specific event. I had this one put there to remind me what I am. What I do to those who are close to me. No matter how hard I try to protect people, I kill them. Take a look at my vampires. My method of protecting them eventually choked them. Killed them. I killed them. I can’t risk doing the same to my son. Or you.”
“You wouldn’t. I know that.” Regan laid her palm on the scorpion, and Than was right … no images came from it, but his pain was there, infused into the ink.
“Rowlari knew that, too.”
“We have a way to help you through your violent urges now. I can help you control them—”
“No!” He tore away from her. “Don’t you see, Regan? I’d be using you, just like The Aegis did. Don’t you see that you’re willing to be with me because I need you? Not because I love you?”
Wait… that was what this was about? He thought he’d be using her? And… he loved her? His admission robbed her of her breath. No one had ever loved her, let alone loved her enough to worry about her motivations. She’d lost so much in her life … there was no way she was losing Thanatos and her son too. She was going to fight.
“Thanatos, when you asked me to stay, was it because I can help you ease the killing rages?”
His head hung loosely from slumped shoulders, and for a terrifying moment, she thought he’d say yes. But when he lifted his head, a fierce, stubborn light glowed in his eyes.
“Fuck, no. It was because you gave me back the life I lost when I was cursed. You’re brave. Smart. You’re willing to die to protect those you love. There’s so much more to you than sex, Regan.”
She smiled. “See? You won’t be using me. You don’t need me. You want me. Like I want you. I’ll find a way to convince you I’m right, because dammit, I’m not willing to let you go.”
“You have no choice.” He took her hand, gently but firmly, and peeled it off his skin. “I’ll talk to Kynan and Decker and make sure you and the baby are taken away, by force if necessary.” His voice softened. “But I’ll make sure you want for nothing.”
“We’ll want for nothing but you.” She stepped back, pissed and achy. “All the money and comforts in the world aren’t going to make up for you not being there, you stubborn as hell Horseman. You should have been one of the Mulemen of the damned Apocalypse. So you can—” She broke off as warm wetness spilled between her thighs. “Oh…oh, boy.”
Thanatos scowled. “What is it?”
A massive cramp made her suck air. “My water just broke,” she breathed. “We’re having a baby.”
Reaver materialized inside the Hall of Records, the Akashic library in the Heavenly realm. He moved swiftly between the never ending rows of bookcases and found his quarry hunched over a thick tome with a cover of crystal.
“Gethel.”
The angel jumped, startled, but she recovered quickly and turned to face him. “Reaver. You seek me?”
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He’d always hated the formal crap. At least, he’d hated it for as long as he could remember.
“Yes, I seek you.” So, okay, there was a sarcastic edge to his words, but he’d long since stopped trying to be a good boy. “When were you last in the human realm?”
One dainty eyebrow cocked. “Why?”
Reaver hated when people replied to a question with a question. “Maybe because the Earth is on the verge of Apocalypse?”
“I don’t like your tone.”
“I don’t like the fact that you’re hanging out in a library while humans are dying,” he shot back. It wasn’t fair; no angel could be expected to monitor human activity all the time. But he also wasn’t in the mood to get into a pissing match when time passed slower here than on Earth, and by the time he finished with Gethel, Regan could have given birth. “Do you know that The Aegis has split? And that Harvester may be influencing the majority faction? They kidnapped Regan and tried to kill her child.”
Gethel slammed the book shut. “They what?” Her wings flared. “Pestilence is behind it. He has to be.”
“The Elders claim to have angelic help. I’m going to confront Harvester about it.”
“She wouldn’t. To do so would bring the wrath of the heavens and hell down on her.”
Reaver nodded. “But if the child dies, the Apocalypse starts and there wouldn’t be any punishment. All rules go out the window.”
“I always hated that fallen angel,” she said, as if her earlier torture of Harvester hadn’t been a big clue. She flared her wings again before settling them behind her with a ruffle of feathers. “Has The Aegis settled into their new Scotland headquarters, at least?”
“Yes, but I worry that they’ll inadvertently reveal more than they should to Harvester.”
“And, therefore, to Pestilence.” Gethel let out a mild curse. Well, mild to most humans. Here in the Hall of Records, it made the ground shake. “This is very bad, Reaver,” she said, stating the glaringly obvious. “But you are the Horsemen’s Watcher. What is it you want from me?”
“Nothing regarding the Horsemen. But you have access to the Archangel Council.” And wasn’t that galling? Since Reaver was a low-level angel, a peon in angelic hierarchy within his order, he’d have to spend valuable time petitioning for an audience with the Archangel Council, while Gethel could practically walk in on a meeting. “They need to know about The Aegis’s break. The most powerful demon-fighting organization in history is being torn apart from the inside, and with Armageddon on the horizon, we can’t afford for them to be compromised by evil undercurrents.”
The last thing they needed was for demons to start pulling The Aegis’s strings.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
“Hurry. Regan is close to labor. Time is short.”
Gethel shot him a tolerant smile. “I’m aware of that, Reaver.” With a wave of her hand, she made the book she’d been reading disappear back into the shelves. “I’ll go now. What course of action are you taking with the Horsemen?”
“I’m going to find Harvester. She’s within her rights to mess with The Aegis, but if she was involved in the plot to kill Regan’s baby, I’ll destroy her.” Maybe even before he got permission to do so.
Gethel sighed. “Sad that she has become what she is, considering what she was before she fell.”
Coyness was more Harvester’s style, but Reaver played along. “She said she was a dealer of justice.” Harvester had said all kinds of crap while she’d held Reaver prisoner.
“Is that what she told you?” Gethel shrugged. “I suppose it’s true enough. But did she tell you the rest?”
“The rest?”
“Before she fell, she was Verrine, an angel of justice, as she said. But she was also Satan’s consort.”
Whoa. Okay, so Reaver hadn’t seen that one coming. “I’m guessing that when he was cast from Heaven, she went with him?”
“Some say she was the whisper in his ear, the voice telling him to start the rebellion in Heaven. And indeed, when he was cast out, she followed soon after.”
“So why aren’t they together in a special little love nest in hell?”
“No one knows. But you are aware that it was she who drew up the contract between Limos and Satan, yes?” Before he could reply, she grinned. “Did you not wonder why there was a loophole in the contract? She wanted Limos to get out of it, but it wasn’t for Limos’s sake. It was for her own. No doubt Harvester is even now plotting her way back into Satan’s bed.”