I want to tell her I'm not a woman. I'm not.
She uses her wrist card to bring us through a large metal door and suddenly the air is warmer. It feels like a nice night with the fire lit, but a cool breeze blowing in the window. Not stuffy but cozy.
I almost jump as other girls are walking about as we turn a corner. I see swollen bellies and rosy cheeks everywhere. They look like Gloria. Shiny and clean. I look down at my hands and frown. Will those spots of dirt ever come out? Will I look like these girls if I stay here?
The area we are in looks amazingly bright and clean. Everything is white. It's styled like a house I saw in a magazine at the cabin. There are couches and plush pillows and a fireplace with glass over the hearth. There is a kitchen like I've never seen before. It looks like a restaurant from the same magazine.
Girls are sitting and eating at small tables in the kitchen or on the couches. Some are walking and rubbing their bellies. They're all dressed in white robes and pants and tops. Everything they're wearing looks fluffy almost. The entire open kitchen and living room is surrounded by glass. A small garden is on the other side. There are windows on the other side of the garden. It must be a private garden and surrounded by the building we are in, except the roof. Real sunlight filters in from the roof of the garden.
Out of the corner of my eye I see her.
Gloria is talking about a room where we have to spend a certain number of hours a day listening to music and a gym and a pool. I don’t care about any of it. I see her.
She is sitting at a table. Her hair is the first thing I recognize. It's dark and shiny in a way that looks like she's run oil through it. Her white skin is bright and clean. Her lips curl into a smile as she speaks to the blonde girl next to her. I can't imagine the transformation she has undertaken in such a short amount of time. She looks like a person from a magazine. She looks like she belongs in the white room with the white girls everywhere. I notice suddenly everyone is white. There are no other nationalities. The borderlands are diverse. This is the only group of all white people I've ever seen. It's creepy.
The girl curls into me.
The girls in the room start to take notice of me. Their eyes look haunted as they see me. They bite their lips and try not to cry. I see it in their faces.
Anna's dark head turns slowly. Her eyes recognize me and pain crosses her face. I give a subtle shake of my head. Her lips tremble.
"So where do I sleep?" I ask.
Gloria's lips curl into a big grin, "This way." She points to an open hallway. I walk through the room, never letting my eyes fully take Anna in again. I float across the room and ignore her, even though I know exactly how many running steps it would take me to cross the room. I know how long it would take to stab the cooking knife on the counter into Gloria. I know how much force it would take to break the glass that surrounds the room. I know how long it would take for me to climb the drain spout leading to the roof.
What I don’t know is how fast the girl could do it all. I know how Anna would do. I can see the fight in her eyes, even though I'm not looking at her.
I follow Gloria down a long wide white hallway with wooden benches that stand out against the white everywhere. They are covered with white pillows and nestled next to huge potted plants. The greenery is bright compared to the white pot the plant is in. The brown dirt inside of it makes me miss the forest.
"So this will be your room and since you have her, you won't be getting a roommate."
She opens a white door and reveals a room with two beds covered in soft looking blankets. There is a closet that's open with white fluffy clothes inside. They are robes and gowns and fuzzy looking pajamas that I would have worn as a child. I imagine the sight of a girl running across the brown borderlands in one of these stark white outfits and I know why they’ve made everything this way.
I step into the room and feel exhausted instantly. The bed is inviting. The clothes make me want to stay. It's a fleeting feeling of someone taking care of me. I let it sit inside of me for a moment.
"Well if you need anything you just push the red button just here." I turn to see the only thing with any color. A red panic button on the wall. I'd seen them at the hospital in the bathroom. Dad said they were for sick people who fell while going to the bathroom. The idea of it always made me shiver. Being on the floor with one the cruel backless gowns spread everywhere, unable to get up.
Gloria touches my arm and I resist the urge to break her long manicured creamy white fingers with bright red nail polish, "I will have someone down to re-hydrate you two."
She lets go and is gone.
The girl has walked away from my armpit. I close the door and turn to her.
"I'm Emma. What's your name?"
She looks at me with her bright blue eyes that seem muted without the filth all over her face.
"Sarah."
"How old are you?"
I go and sit on the bed on the left hand side.
"Eleven."
She sits beside me. I guess we are sharing a bed. I lie down and stare at the bright white ceiling. I wonder if it will dull in the night or if it glows in the dark. Everything is too bright and too clean. I feel exposed.
Our door is burst open and Anna leaps in, scaring Sarah into a ball. Anna closes the door and fights the tears that stream down her cheeks, "You came for me?"
I am off the bed and hugging her into me instantly. She feels heavier. Less gaunt.
"Will and Jake are waiting for us in the woods."
She pulls back, "Will? Will who?"
"Your brother is alive Anna."
"No. No. It's the wrong Will. I know it."
I nod, "It's him. He's with Jake. He's fine. He's part of a rebellion now."
She laughs, "Well you've met the wrong Will." I laugh with her. She sniffles, "I can't believe he's alive. All this time." She stops herself from losing it and looks at Sarah, "What's with the girl?"I look back and wink, "We met in the dark."
Anna smiles at Sarah, "I'm Anna."
"Sarah." Her little voice makes me scared again. The strength I mustered when I saw Anna is gone again.
"They're coming to see me and re-hydrate me."
She nods, "It's not so bad. Just a small needle and a bag of water that drips for about two hours. They'll bring you food too. The food is good. It's full of fat and flavor."
I look at her stomach and can't help but wonder. She has been here days. Have they already put a baby in her?
She rubs her belly. "They have spent the last few days getting me healthy. They won't put anything in there yet. It's not as bad as we thought anyway. It's done with robots and needles and they put you to sleep."
"I know. Will knew all about it." I raise my eyebrows hoping she will get the hint to stop talking about it.
She shrugs, "Will. Weird. I can't wait to see him."
"He was in the breeder farms for a while."
She grimaces, "Gross."
Before she can get into details and scare Sarah I change the subject. "How are things here?"
"It's not that bad."
"We need to figure a way out of here."
Anna grins, "I will miss the food. Better than Jake's cooking. What's the plan?"
I shake my head, "Give me a couple days to work it out."
She sits on the empty bed, "Okay." She sighs, "How's Will? Is he okay? I can't believe he's alive."
My face flushes. "Good. He's a man and he plays the guitar and sings. He's quite good." I look down immediately.
She bursts into laughter, "Oh no way. You and him."
I shake my head but I can feel the heat on my cheeks betraying me, "No. No he's good. He looks good."
She covers her face, "Gross. What about Jake?"
I feel silly, "It's not what you think. Really it's not. I like them both as friends."
Anna raises an eyebrow and looks at Sarah, "Hmm I think she has bewitched both of my brothers."
Sarah is giggling and covering her mouth.
I am humiliated.
Anna kicks a leg at me, "Oh they're big boys. Let them fight over you. I will say I hope Jake wins though. At least in some corner of this world people are falling in love still. Let me tell you there is no love in this place."
Somewhere deep inside of me I wish for him to win too, even if I don’t think he will.
The door opens and carts are wheeled in. My stomach almost rips itself from my body when I smell the steaming food on one of the carts. Sarah looks like she might attack the lady pushing the cart.
She lifts the lid and I see spaghetti and meatballs. Tears flow before I can stop them. Sarah is at the cart shoving one of the trays of food into her mouth like a wild animal before I can stop her. I look at the cart lady who laughs, "We all know that feeling honey." She passes me the other tray before Sarah can eat it too.
I use the fork and twirl the noodles. I am dragging out the first bite. The sauce is glossy on the plump noodles. I close my eyes and let the heat and flavor fill my mouth.
I am at my granny's table.
I am laughing at the show I'm watching as the noodles slop on my face and fill my mouth.
Had I known it would be the last time I ever ate my granny's spaghetti sauce I would have savored every second of it.
Here in this frightening white room I am grateful for every bite that fills my mouth. I don’t even chew every bite. I swallow mouthfuls of noodles before I realize I'm running out. I pace myself and savor the last few bites. My stomach cramps as the food hits it.
Sarah eyeballs the meatballs on the side of my plate. I nod. She takes them, stuffing them in her mouth one after the other. I'm certain she never chewed them at all, but swallowed like a snake.
She burps and I laugh. The lady with the carts is laughing.
Full and covered in red sauce, I sit back. I am sweating from the amount I've eaten.
"Yeah you're gonna puke. I did the same thing. It was cutlet night and I threw up everywhere."