Denny was home when I got there. Kellan was not, which made me frown slightly as I walked up the stairs. Denny was sitting up in bed, watching TV like he'd been waiting for me. "Hey, babe," he said warmly, his accent rich in his tiredness, as he held his arms open for me.
I ignored the pit in my stomach that my free time with Kellan was now over (and where was he anyway), and swallowing a sigh, I crawled on top of the bed to snuggle in Denny's arms. He rubbed my back and told me about his trip. I fell asleep against his chest, fully dressed, while he talked about his conference and his jerk of a boss. As sleep swam over me, I thought I heard him say my name in a questioning tone, but I was too exhausted from my weekend to resist the pull, and I succumbed to it. I hoped Denny wasn't too hurt by that.
A couple of days later, Kellan and I were spending some free time together after school, before I had to go into work. We sat close together on the grass in a secluded area of what we now considered "our" park near school. We met here frequently between classes, or sometimes afterwards. We'd stay in his car and listen to the radio, if it was raining, or grab a blanket from his trunk and sit out on the grass, if it was nice. Today, it was sunny, but it was cold, and as a result our park was mostly empty. Kellan and I sat close together on his blanket atop the crisp lawn, huddled in our jackets after just having finished our espressos, enjoying the chilly day and each other's warm presence.
Kellan played with my fingers, a small smile on his lips. Curiosity overcame my common sense and I quietly asked him, "That song the other weekend, the kind of intense one...it's not really about a woman, is it?" He looked up at me, surprised. "Denny," I explained. "He told me what happened, while he was staying with your family. The song was about you, wasn't it? You and your dad?"
Kellan nodded and looked out over the quiet park, remaining silent.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked timidly.
Still looking away from me, he quietly said, "No."
My heart broke at the haunted look in his eyes. I hated myself for what I was about to say, but I so desperately wanted him to open up to me. "Will you anyway?"
He sniffed, then looked down at the grass. He picked up a blade and twirled it idly in his fingers. Slowly, he turned to face me. I tensed, wondering if he would be angry. As his eyes met mine however, all I saw were years of sadness. "There's nothing to talk about, Kiera." His voice was soft, but full of emotion. "If Denny told you what he saw, what he did for me, then you know as much as anyone."
Not quite willing to let it go, I said, "Not as much as you." He watched me silently, his eyes begging for me to not ask anything else. I did anyway, hating myself for it. "Did he hit you often?"
Not looking away from my eyes, he swallowed and nodded his head, once.
"Very badly?" As if just any hit wasn't bad enough, I thought, irritated at my own question. He was motionless for so long, that I thought he wasn't going to answer me, but then, he nodded his head slightly, just once.
"Since you were little?" A single nod again, his eyes glistening now.
I swallowed, willing myself to stop asking him painful questions that he obviously did not want to answer. "Didn't your mom ever try to stop him...help you?"
He shook his head no, a tear rolling down his cheek.
My eyes watered, the tears threatening to spill. Please stop this, I begged myself. You're hurting him. "Did it end, when Denny left?" I whispered, hating myself even more.
He swallowed and shook his head no again. "It got worse...so much worse," he whispered, finally speaking. Another tear fell from his eye, sparkling in the sunlight.
Wondering how a parent could possibly do that to a child, how a mother could possibly allow it - not give her own life to protect her only son, I inadvertently whispered, "Why?"
With dead eyes, Kellan whispered, "You'd have to ask them."
Tears spilled down my cheeks now, and he watched them fall. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Kellan," I whispered in his ear, as he put his arms loosely around me.
"It's okay, Kiera," he said brokenly. "It was years ago. They haven't hurt me in a long time."
By his reaction, I didn't think that was true. I held him close, feeling his body shake lightly against mine. His cheeks were wet when I did pull back. I wiped them dry and held his face in my hands, gazing at him, and trying to picture how awful his childhood had been, trying to imagine his pain. I couldn't though. My own childhood had been happy and full of wonderful memories. My parents were overprotective, yes, but warm and loving people.
He gazed back at me sadly, a new tear spilling from his eye and rolling down his cheek. I leaned over and kissed the tear away. As I was pulling back, he turned his head and our lips brushed together.
Overwhelmed with sympathy for his pain, intoxicated by his sudden nearness, I left his lips on mine. My hands were still on his cheeks, we were still sitting close together on the grass, and our closed lips were pressed together, but neither one of us was moving. I wasn't even sure we were breathing. We must have looked very odd, if anyone had been there to look our way.
Eventually, he inhaled through his lips, causing them to slightly part against mine. My response was involuntary, instinctual and immediate - I kissed him. I moved my lips softly against his, feeling his warmth, his softness, his breath.
He didn't hesitate. He immediately returned my kiss, moved his lips equally as soft against mine. His passion quickly overcame him however, and he grabbed my neck, pulling me in for a deep kiss. His tongue flashed against mine, just once. I groaned with how good it felt, how much I wanted it, but I forced myself to push him away. I made myself not be angry. I had started this one.
He immediately started apologizing. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought...I thought you changed your mind." His eyes looked fearful.
"No...that was my fault." Things were picking up between us; lines were blurring faster and faster. Even now, watching his anxious face, my heart was beating harder, my lips burned with the memory of his on mine. "I'm sorry, Kellan. This isn't working."
He leaned towards me and grabbed my arm. "No, please. I'll do better, I'll be stronger. Please don't end this. Please don't leave me..."