Thoughtless - Page 67/82

Towards the end of the night, I started relaxing. Not that my stomach wasn't churning and my head wasn't spinning, but Denny never approached me. I eventually had to go to his table, to serve some of the females, and he only ordered another beer from me. He asked me nothing. But his eyes said everything - he was suspicious, highly suspicious.

Later, Kellan announced that they had one more song...and it was a new one. It started with just Matt and Evan, then a few beats later Griffin came in, and Kellan started singing. His voice was low and husky. The lyrics were sad, and I discreetly watched him for a moment, before I turned to help a customer.

"Hi, what can I..." I couldn't finish my question. A phrase Kellan had just sung, seeped into my brain and froze me in place, blocking out all other thoughts.

"You're everything that I need, but I'm nothing that you need. I failed you, I betrayed you, over and over, but you'll be alright...when he holds you tight."

My jaw dropped as I stared back up at the stage. This was a new song he'd been working on...and it was about him...and me.

"Miss? I said we'll..." I ignored the customer. Kellan's voice had picked up strength, and it was all I could focus on.

"It's better to never say goodbye, to just move on, to end the lie."

But he was saying goodbye...in song...in front of the entire bar, in front of Denny. Kellan wasn't looking my way. He was staring out over the crowd, not noticing any of them, focusing solely on the words.

I stood where I was, completely in shock at a customer's table, who was still trying to get my attention. I was only a few feet away from Denny, and he had to be watching me stare at Kellan on stage, terror in my eyes and my mouth open in disbelief. Evan hadn't wanted him to sing this, most likely because Denny was here. What was Kellan thinking?

On the second verse, I stopped caring who was watching as tears filled my eyes. I couldn't possibly have stopped the reaction as Kellan's voice burned through me.

"We had what we had, we did what we did...and it was amazing, something I'll never forget. It will hurt me, it will hurt you too. But everything ends, so save your tears. This won't break you. With him by your side, you'll be just fine. But I promise you...my love for you will never die."

His words were beautiful and heartbreaking. He was saying goodbye, for real this time. On the second, "I failed you, I betrayed you, over and over..." I felt the tears spill down my cheeks.

Finally, Kellan looked straight at me. He locked his intense gaze to mine and repeated the chorus, "It's better to never say goodbye, to just move on, to end the lie." I could see a tear fall on his cheek, which he completely ignored, his voice holding steady and strong. I felt my breath choke. I felt pain rip through my stomach. I felt my heart seize, and I felt the few tears that had escaped, turn into streams running down my face.

"Miss...?"

Vague voices buzzed around me, but Kellan's words were piercing straight through me...and they weren't stopping. The next line, "Every single day I'll keep you with me, no matter how far from me you are..." followed immediately by another "goodbye" section, had me clutching my gut and holding a hand to my mouth, desperately trying to hold in the sob.

As the music and Kellan's voice picked up even more, I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Not here, Kiera," Jenny's soft voice whispered in my ear.

I couldn't even break myself away from staring at Kellan to look at her. Another tear fell down his cheek as he stared at me, unabashed. I didn't know who was watching us. I didn't know if Denny was watching us. Kellan's face was all I could see, his heart wrenching words, all I could hear. A sob broke free.

Jenny started tugging at my arm. I stubbornly resisted her. "Not here, Kiera. Denny's watching...not here."

I stopped resisting and let her pull me into the kitchen as Kellan sang the last few bars, "I promise you...my love for you will never die," his heartbreaking eyes watching me leave. His voice cracked just once, as I disappeared through the kitchen doors with Jenny. Immediately I started sobbing, and Jenny put her arms around me.

"It's okay, Kiera. It will be okay. Have faith." She repeated it over and over while she rubbed my back, and I sobbed mercilessly on her shoulder.

He was leaving...

When my crying spell was over, Jenny fixed my face and brought me a drink...it was not water. I sat up at the bar and downed it. Kellan watched me wistfully from the edge of the stage. I desperately wanted to run over to him, to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him, to beg him not to leave. I couldn't do anything though, not with Denny still here watching. For the first time in my life, I wished Denny would leave.

Denny approached Kellan after his set, and asked him a serious looking question. Kellan flicked a glance over to me, and I felt my heart skip a beat. Kellan smiled casually and shook his head, clapping Denny on the shoulder. With a blank face, Denny watched Kellan shove his guitar back in his case and quickly leave the bar, risking one final glance at me as he opened the doors. I watched his fingers go to the bridge of his nose as he walked through them.

Denny sat and waited at the table solemnly, until my shift was over. When I grabbed my things, he finally approached me. Ice flooded my veins, but he said nothing. He simply held out his hand and we walked in silence out of the bar.

Kellan was already home when Denny and I got there. His light was off when I glanced slyly at his room as we walked by, but I could hear soft music playing and knew he was awake. Denny undressed silently, occasionally giving me odd, sad glances. He hadn't asked about catching me in my lie. He hadn't asked about my meltdown during Kellan's last song. But combined with my melancholy all week, Kellan's sudden reappearance last night at the bar, and the heartfelt glances Kellan and I gave each other at the end of the night, I could feel the unasked questions in Denny's uneasy eyes. I was terrified for the questions I felt coming closer each minute.

I changed into my pajamas equally silent, and then softly excused myself to the bathroom. He slipped under the covers and watched me leave. I left the door open, hoping to ease any suspicions he might have. That didn't stop me from glancing longingly at Kellan's door. He was leaving and I couldn't bear it. I had to find a way to stop him...somehow.

I took my time in the bathroom. I let the cold water drench my face repeatedly, hoping to wash away my fears. Kellan was leaving, Denny was horribly suspicious - my world was crashing inward.

Taking a last deep breath, that did nothing to calm me, I opened the door and walked back to Denny. He was still awake, still watching the door, waiting for me to return to him. I searched his eyes for a moment, wondering what he thought, what he felt...how much he was hurting. Why he didn't ask me...anything?

He held his arms out for me, and I crawled into them, grateful at least for some comfort from the continual assault on my emotions. It wasn't what I wanted though. His arms weren't the ones I was currently craving. That thought made my throat tight, and I was glad Denny wasn't talking. I closed my eyes and waited.

Each second felt like minutes, each minute felt like hours. I strained my hearing, to listen to Denny's breathing. Was it slow and steady? Was he asleep? Then he would shift and sigh, and I knew he was still awake. I feigned sleep the best I could, hoping he would relax and give in to slumber. I felt frustrated tears building, but I shoved them back. I wanted out of this room, but I needed to be patient.

To pass the time, I imagined what Kellan was doing over in his room. I couldn't hear his music anymore - was he asleep? Was he awake, staring at his ceiling, wondering if I was asleep in Denny's arms? Was he wishing he had never said anything this morning? Was he waiting for me to crawl into bed with him? Was he planning his departure?

Eventually Denny's breathing became slow and regular in true slumber. I opened my eyes and cautiously raised my head to look at him. His beautiful face was calm and peaceful, the first it had been since he'd caught the lie. I sighed softly, then carefully moved his arm off of me. Still asleep, he rolled over to his normal sleeping side, away from me. I waited for an achingly long time, just to be sure, and then I quietly got up. I ran through a list of excuses in my head, just in case Denny looked over at me leaving, but he didn't, and I soundlessly slipped out the door.

My heart was thudding as I opened Kellan's. I was suddenly really nervous...

Kellan was sitting on the edge of the bed, away from the door with his back to me, when I quietly entered his room. He was still dressed and he was looking at something intently in his hand. He was lost in thought, and didn't hear me approach him.

"Kellan?" I whispered.

He startled and clenched his hand, hiding whatever he had been looking at. He turned to look at me, and at the same time, shoved his hand under the mattress. "What are you doing here? We talked about this, you shouldn't be here." His face was pale and he looked dreadfully sad.

"How could you do that?"

"What?" he asked, looking both tired and confused.

"Sing that song to me...in front of everyone. You killed me." My voice broke, and I sat on the edge of the bed heavily.

He looked away from me. "It's what needs to happen, Kiera."

"You wrote that days ago...when you were gone?"

He didn't answer me for several seconds. "Yes. I know where this is going, Kiera. I know who you'll choose, who you've always chosen."

Suddenly not knowing what else to say, I blurted out, "Sleep with me tonight." My voice was thick with my churning emotions.

"Kiera, we can't..." He looked over at me, wistfully.

"No...literally. Just hold me, please."

He sighed and then laid back on his bed, holding his arms open for me. I snuggled into his side, wrapping my leg around his, my arm over his chest, and nestling my head in his shoulder. I breathed in his dizzyingly amazing scent, and raptured in his warmth and comfort. The overwhelming joy of being close to him, brought with it the heartbreaking sadness that he was leaving me.

I sniffled back a tear and he held me tighter. I felt him sigh brokenly beneath me, and I knew he was on the verge of tears, the same as me. It slipped out in my grief. "Don't leave me."

He exhaled brokenly and clutched at me, kissing my head. "Kiera..." he whispered.

I looked up into his torn face, his eyes shining with tears waiting to spill. Mine already were. "Please stay...stay with me. Don't go."

He closed his eyes, squeezing out the tears. "It's the right thing to do, Kiera."

"Baby, we're finally together, don't end this."

His eyes opened at my tender word, and he lovingly ran a finger down my cheek. "That's just it. We're not together..."

"Don't say that...we are. I just need time...and I need you to stay. I can't bear the thought of you leaving." I kissed him deeply, bringing my hands to his cheeks.

He pulled away. "You won't leave him, Kiera, and I can't share you. Where does that leave us? He's going to figure it out, if I stay. That leaves us with one option...I go." He swallowed back his emotion, as another tear fell on his cheek. "I wish things were different. I wish I'd known you first. I wish I was your first. I wish you would choose me-"

"I do!" I blurted out.

We both froze and stared at each other. Another tear dripped from his eye, as he stared at me with a look of such pain and hope, that I instantly regretted coming into his room. My panic at the thought of him leaving again, had made me blurt out something that I knew would make him stay...and I did want him to stay. I desperately wanted him to stay. I wanted to walk into Pete's on his arm. I wanted to kiss him every time I saw him. I wanted to make love without worry. I wanted to sleep in his arms every single night...

Oh god, I suddenly realized. I wanted to be...with him.

"I do choose you, Kellan," I said again, surprised at my decision, but happy I had finally made one. He was looking at me like any second I might light him on fire. "Do you understand me?" I whispered, getting concerned at his odd reaction.

Finally, he rolled over and pressed into me, grabbing my face and kissing me intensely. I could barely breathe through his enthusiasm. I ran my fingers through his hair and clutched him tight to me. His hands started pulling at my clothes. He pulled off my tank top, but before I could ask a question, his lips were back on mine. He pulled off his shirt, and again his lips were back on mine before I could speak. He deftly slipped off my pants and was working on his jeans, when I finally pushed him away.