I brought a hand to his cheek and he looked up at me. I could see it then - the confusion, the lingering anger, the rejection, the pain and underneath it all, a deep insecurity. He felt so conflicted, all the time. He doubted himself. He doubted his goodness...all because of me, because of our twisted relationship. I was tired of bringing such turmoil into his life. I was tired of "wrecking" him. I wanted to be good to him. I wanted to bring him joy. I wanted us to have a future together. But, regardless of his assurance, we really would burn out at this pace.
"Kellan, I'm naive and insecure. You're a...moody artist." His lip twitched at that and smiling softly, I continued, "Our history is a mess of twisted emotions, jealousies and complications, and we've both tormented and hurt each other...and others. We've both made mistakes...so many mistakes." I leaned back from him and smiled wider. "So, how about we slow down? How about we just...date...and see how it goes?"
He looked at me blankly for a long moment, and then a devilish look passed over his face. It was a look that had been absent from my sight for so long that it hurt my heart in the best possible way to see it. I blushed, and my whole body felt five times hotter when I remembered what Kellan considered "dating".
I looked down, embarrassed. "I meant...actual dating, Kellan. The old-fashioned kind."
I looked up at his light chuckling. His smile softened to a calm, peaceful one, as he warmly said, "You really are the most adorable person. You have no idea how much I've missed that."
My smile matched his, as I stroked the rough stubble on his face. "So...will you date me?" I added a slight suggestive tone and he raised an eyebrow at hearing it.
His smile widened playfully. "I'd love to...date you." His look turned more serious. "We'll try...we'll try to stop hurting each other. We'll take this easy. We'll go slowly."
I could only nod in response.
*******************
In a way that I'd never thought possible from Kellan, we went exceedingly slow. I stayed with my sister at our apartment (and she delighted over and over in telling people that she had literally "shoved" us back together) and he stayed alone in his house, never having gotten another roommate. Our first official date was that Sunday night, when we both had the evening off. We went out to dinner. He held my hand when he met me at my door and at the end of the evening, kissed my cheek when he took me home. It was such a chaste evening, it nearly shocked me. But even though the physical contact was being restrained, our other emotions were running rampant. There was a lot of eye-gazing and dopey smiles from the both of us.
Next, he took me dancing again. My sister (who took great joy in repeatedly smacking Kellan on the back of his head, for lying about the two of them sleeping together - and I always let her, a grin plastered on my face each time), Jenny, her roommate Rachel, and of course, the other band members, came out with us - kind of a group date thing.
I smiled as I watched shy Matt flush with color, as his pale eyes took in the exotic beauty of quiet Rachel. They spent most of the night together, getting to know each other in a secluded corner in the back. The rest of us stayed close together on the packed floor, dancing mainly as one large group. Kellan did nothing more suggestive than slow dance with his arms around my waist, his fingers along the ridge of my lower back. I smiled at his restraint and carefully put my head on his shoulder, determined to match his level.
With lazy, satisfied eyes, I watched Anna and Griffin being too obscene for words on the floor and quickly shifted my focus to where Evan and Jenny appeared to be having a moment. I nudged Kellan's shoulder and smiling, he looked down on me. I flicked my head to where they were slow dancing with their heads together, Jenny gazing up at Evan dreamily, Evan playing with a long piece of her golden hair. Kellan looked back at me and shrugged, a wide smile breaking over his gorgeous face. I couldn't bring my attention back to Jenny after that moment, as his perfect eyes trapped me.
He didn't kiss me until our third date, a romantic comedy that he protested loudly that he didn't want to see, but it being a standard dating rite of passage, I made him go, and I did notice the slight tears in his eyes at the end. He walked me to my door afterwards and politely asked if he could. I smiled at his attempt to be a modest gentleman and told him yes. He attempted a brief peck of a kiss, and I grabbed his neck and pulled him in for a kiss that left us both gasping for air. Hey, impulse control was not always my strength with Kellan, and as my sister had accurately pointed out, he is hotter than all...well, you know.
He'd meet me at school sometimes, and we'd talk over my new classes. I unfortunately had a class with Candy now, and while at first that had hurt and irritated me, now that Kellan and I were making a go of an actual relationship, I found that I didn't care one iota about her. Well, I might enjoy the flash of jealousy on her face when I gave him a kiss at the door, but that was about all I felt towards her. Kellan completely ignored her.
We'd have lunch in our park frequently, as the days warmed up. He wasn't the world's greatest cook or anything, and honestly neither was I, but he'd make us sandwiches and we'd eat them under a large tree, our backs to the bark, our legs entwined, comfortable and relaxed, and feeling like we'd always been together this way.
I eventually put in my notice at my new job and got back my old shift at Pete's. Emily from the day crew had taken over for me, and she was more than willing to switch back to her old time slot. She made it sound like she just couldn't handle the drunken idiots on the packed weekend nights, but I got the impression it was just one drunken idiot that had swayed her. A drunken idiot that was still having frequent sleepovers with my sister, although they didn't seem to be too strict on the whole "monogamy" thing ,and my sister would occasionally have other houseguests, while Griffin never stopped his tales of sordid conquests, that I tried very hard to not hear. Whatever they had, it was at least a mutual arrangement.
It had been long enough, that the bar was no longer buzzing with gossip over the messy love triangle, although I did get quite a few inquisitive stares my first few days back. Most of the people seemed to believe that Kellan's and my injuries really were sustained by a group of punks robbing us, but a few people gave me appraising looks, and I wondered if they hadn't figured out the truth.
The affair, however, wasn't hidden well at all. With Denny leaving the Country, and me leaving the bar, added to Kellan's snappy, moody behavior while I was gone, it didn't take a genius to fill in the blanks, and most of the regulars had it figured out right away. The ones that hadn't, figured it out the night I showed up at Pete's, and Kellan and I...worked things out in the hallway. And if that wasn't clear enough, which, I think the only one who still didn't get it at that point was Griffin, Kellan kissing me every time he sauntered into the bar was a dead giveaway.
Once the stares and whispers died down, being back at Pete's was healing to me, especially listening to the band again. Kellan always sang the emotional song directly to me, and it always brought me to tears. If words could be caresses, than he was making love to me, every time he sang it. Several girls in the front of the packed crowd would swoon when he sang that one, probably picturing themselves as the object of his affection. Occasionally, some would get too "eager" with him after the show, and I'd smile as he gently pushed them back or stopped their lips from attacking his body. It did make a flash of jealousy go through me, but his heart was mine, and I didn't doubt that. How could I, after he'd branded himself?
And, oh the tattoo...I stared at it frequently. Once our relationship progressed to the stage of him taking his shirt off, it stayed there for quite awhile, and I traced the letters often, as we kissed on his couch. I told him that I could get one, of his name, but he insisted that wearing his necklace (that I never took off) was enough, and that my "virgin" skin was perfect as it was. I blushed fiercely at that, but I couldn't get over staring at what he'd done while we'd been apart. Because of his history, I'd assumed he'd found comfort in an assortment of eager girls, but he hadn't. He'd found comfort in me, in my name across his skin. I couldn't ignore the aching beauty in that.
He told me that he'd gotten it the night before we'd seen Denny off at the airport. He'd decided to do it the day Denny and Anna had moved all of my stuff out of his house, as a way to keep me close to him, because he always did need to be near me. I'd never have imagined that my name could be so beautiful, but there were few things in the world as wonderful to me, as that black ink swirled on his chest. Well, maybe his smile...or his hair...or his adoring eyes...or his heart...
He confessed to me one evening that he still kept in contact with Denny. That shook me. I sort of thought their last words had been at the airport. He told me that after that afternoon, he'd called Denny's parents daily. Eventually his persistence paid off and he'd gotten through to Denny. They didn't have much to say to each other in the beginning, but Kellan kept trying. Truly, their relationship didn't advance much, until Kellan confessed that he and I weren't a couple.
Denny had never straight out asked me about Kellan, and I had never volunteered, not wanting to mention such a painful topic when we were trying to be friendly with each other. He'd assumed that we'd jumped into coupledom the moment he'd left. He was shocked when Kellan had told him that that wasn't the case. And most shocking of all...he called Kellan an idiot for letting me walk away. My jaw dropped when Kellan relayed that piece of information.
When I talked to Denny a few days later, he confirmed it. He said that after everything that had happened, it seemed like a waste if we didn't end up together. I laughed at him and told him he was too good of a person. He agreed and laughed with me. He was happy. His job was going great, and he was already in line for a promotion. His relationship was also going strong and 'Abby' was quickly becoming more than just a casual girlfriend to him. I ached at that for a few moments, and then was immensely happy for him. He deserved it.
My own relationship was progressing wonderfully as well. Kellan actually could do the great boyfriend thing, and he seemed to delight in the fact that we were taking things painfully slow. In fact, he seemed to make a point of riling me up to the edge of bursting, and then calmly saying we needed to slow things down. The boy always was a tease. But his eyes were, more often than not, carefree and untroubled, and his grin was loose and easy.
That's not to say that everything in our relationship was smooth and untroubled. It wasn't. We did on occasion have...disagreements. They were generally started by some woman that Kellan had slept with at some point. One even knocked on his door, wearing a long coat that she left unbuttoned, revealing her skimpy underwear set that made me blush furiously. I'd been visiting before my shift when the vixen had shown up. He'd quickly ushered her out, but a tiny part of me couldn't help but wonder what he'd have done if I hadn't been there, and if half-naked women showing up on his door was a common event. I didn't doubt his love, but I'm only human, a human who frequently felt horribly plain next to her Adonis of a boyfriend, and she had been extremely beautiful...and extremely well endowed.
And that was only one instance. There were others. Girls he'd been with would walk up to him at the bar, or even sometimes at my school, and try to restart their "relationship". He always turned them down, assuring me that they meant nothing, and he generally didn't even remember their names (which did not make me feel any better), but the insecurities were there in me, and it hurt. Our "talks" usually brought up his insecurities as well, of me not being over Denny, and really wanting to be with him. Of Kellan being second place, which I repeatedly told him he was not.
We tried to reassure each other that we were in this together, and we were being faithful to each other, but, knowing that the person you're with has cheated on a loved one before lends itself to additional insecurities, even if you are the person they cheated with. And each of us had to deal with our history, of the knowledge that we'd been intimate with other people, while being in love with each other. The memories of hearing (and in that one instance with Kellan, seeing) those intimacies, were hard to overcome sometimes.
