And on the lawn.
Glad that valet gig didn’t work out—I obviously suck at it.
The lights inside the house are out, and all is silent at the McQuaid compound. It registers that it’s probably too late to show up here, and it’s damn straight too late to knock on the door.
Then I remember the spare key. ’Cause I’m a fucking genius.
I lift the mat and see the silver, sparkling little piece of metal. I unlock the door and tiptoe in—as much as my two-hundred-twenty-five-pound frame allows, anyway. The fur ball approaches, tiny nails clicking on the hardwood floor, smelling my feet.
“Hey, Shaggy. Where’s Scooby?” I laugh—even though that wasn’t really funny.
I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. Midchug, Chelsea jumps through the kitchen door, a baseball bat in her hands, raised and ready.
The panicked look on her face fades when she sees me, shifting to annoyance. But at least she lowers the bat. “Jake? You scared the hell out of me!”
I swallow a gulp of water and slur, “How many times have I told you to move that goddamn key? It’s the first place burglars will check. I mean—sheesh—look at me. I got in and now you’re stuck with me.”
Her head tilts and her brow puckers. It’s adorable. I want to kiss the pucker. And her whole face. I want to lick her, lather her, rub myself all over her until she smells like me. So anyone who’s near her knows she belongs to someone.
Is that as gross as it sounds?
“Are you drunk?” she whispers.
Does she really need to ask? I used the word sheesh—of course I’m fucking drunk.
“Oh yeah, off-the-ass drunk, I am.”
Thanks, Yoda.
“Are you . . . is everything okay?”
“It was a rough day at the office, honey. I deserved a shitfacing.”
“What happened?”
I avoid her question and say softly, “I had to see you. You just make everything . . . better.”
She stares at me for a few seconds. Then she props the bat in the corner. Her hand reaches for me. “You have to be quiet, okay? Don’t wake the kids.”
That would be terrible. I lock my lips with an imaginary key.
But as she starts to lead the way, I yank her hand—turning her around, making her crash against me. Because there’s something I have to tell her.
“Chelsea . . . I didn’t mean what I said. I am on your side.”
She searches my face, smiling gently. Her hand runs through my dark hair. “I know you are.”
We make it to Chelsea’s room undetected. She closes the door while I sit on the bed, yanking at my tie. Chelsea comes to my rescue and lifts it over my head. Then she goes to work on my shirt, my pants—stripping me down to boxers and my T-shirt.
I watch her through hooded eyes, relishing the admonishing smile dancing on her face, the way she moves with effortless grace.
“You’re so beautiful,” I tell her, because I can’t keep the words in a second longer.
She looks up at me from the floor, throwing my socks over her shoulder. “You’re not so bad yourself.” She cocks her chin toward the middle of the bed. “Go on. Scoot over.”
I do as I’m told and she climbs onto the bed behind me. I lie back against the pillow, one arm bent behind my head. Chelsea nestles up close, her cheek resting above my heart.
“What’s going on with you, Jake?”
Somewhere deep inside lies the truth. It’s curled up into a tight, black ball, under heavy blankets of disappointment. Fear. And shame. But it wants to show itself the way a wounded animal exposes its tender underbelly when it knows it’s beaten. Just to hasten whatever comes next.
“I’m not a good man.”
The whispered confession echoes in the still room. Chelsea lifts her head and I feel the point of her chin against my ribs. “You’re one of the best men I’ve ever known. In every way possible.” There’s disbelief in her voice—playfulness—like she thinks I’m teasing her.
I don’t bother arguing. She’ll know soon enough. The truth will set you free. What a fucking joke. When the truth is ugly, it holds you prisoner, and when it’s revealed, it tears the whole world down around you.
“Did I ever tell you about my father?”
“You said he left when you were eight.”
I snort. “Yeah, he left all right.” I shake my head as I dive back into that dark lake of memories best forgotten. “He was a mean bastard, even on a good day. But when he drank . . . he was truly dangerous. My mother . . . she used to sit so still, I’d watch her chest, just to make sure she was still breathing. It was like she was trying to blend into the wallpaper, so he wouldn’t have a reason . . .”
But guys like my old man don’t need a reason.
They make their own.
My voice goes flat and faraway. “The last time . . . it was because she sneezed.” I see it in my mind. The way he upended the tray, the way his dinner splattered across the TV and clung to the walls, leaving a greasy mashed-potato trail as it slid down. The way he grabbed her. “Can you believe it? She fucking sneezed.”
For the first time since I began, I look at Chelsea. She gazes at me with sympathy, sadness. Her brows are weighted, the corners of her mouth heavy with compassion that doesn’t feel at all like pity.
“And she was so little, Chelsea. Even as a kid, I could see she was so much smaller than him.” I moisten my lips, so the rest of the words can pass. “He threw her down the stairs and I remember thinking he wasn’t going to stop this time. He’d told her he’d do it one day. That when it happened, he’d bury her where no one could find her. He’d said no one would miss her . . .” My eyes sting with the memory and my throat squeezes. “No one but me.”