I glare at her and take a big obnoxious sip, causing an air pocket in the cup and a loud slurping noise that I encourage, wiggling the straw around. “Your taste buds are damaged or something.”
“If you say so,” she says, her expression indicating she thinks no such thing.
“Back to my potential sex tape, it’s a good idea, yes?” I don’t wait for an answer before continuing my case. “It’s impossible finding gifts for a guy with enough money to buy anything he wants. And what man doesn’t want a recording of himself banging his girlfriend? Every man wants that. Am I right?” I look to Sophie for confirmation.
“Sex tapes and anal. It’s on every man’s wish list.”
I grunt. “Yeah, and I already told him I’m saving anal for marriage, so that’s out.”
“Wait, you’ve never had anal?” Sophie’s eyes widen, her voice a whisper.
I glance at her face and slap my drink down on the counter. “You have?” I’m stunned.
She darts her eyes away from mine and then back, biting her lip and nodding, her face red.
“How is this possible? You were a virgin five minutes ago and you’ve already progressed to anal?” I shake my head. “Oh, my God. I’m an anal old maid.” I drop my forehead into my hand with a slap, then sit up straight, my hands gripped around the counter’s edge as I lean forward to get Sophie’s attention. “Did you like it?”
Sophie clears her throat and glances around again, like someone is going to catch us discussing this and post about it on Facebook. “Yes,” she whispers, then looks at the ceiling as if she can’t meet my eyes while she admits it. “It’s, um, good. I don’t want to do it every day, but occasionally, yes, I like it.”
“Huh,” I say. “Well, then.”
We get a customer then, so Sophie helps them while I sit on the back counter and Google sex tapes with my phone, which, as it turns out, does not give you instructions about how to make a sex tape, but instead pulls up links to sex tapes that have already been made. I change my search to making a sex tape and get similar results. Has no one made a blog entry about this? I mean, where do I start? Can I use the camera on my phone? Do I need industrial lighting?
I tap the side of my phone with a fingertip and sigh, watching as Sophie adds sprinkles to a hot chocolate for the little rugrat peering over the counter, its mother standing nearby stirring cream into her coffee. It’s kinda cute, I decide. She’s kinda cute, I correct myself. Moms probably don’t like it when you refer to their kids as it, even in your head.
“I hope my ass looks that good after I have kids,” I comment, watching them leave, hand in hand.
“First forever, now babies?” Sophie jokingly clutches her chest. “My heart can’t handle it.”
“No.” I snort. “Don’t be stupid. First forever, babies in a decade. And trust me, my happily ever after does not involve a surprise pregnancy. Not happening.” I wave my hand in the direction of the door. “She was cute though. I’ll babysit for you and Luke.”
“Funny.” Sophie laughs. “Real funny.”
The door dings again and I look up to see Sophie’s brother walk in. He’s wearing a suit, and I catch a glimpse of the badge clipped at his waist when his jacket flaps open from the wind as the door swishes shut behind him. I have got to finagle a way for him and Chloe to meet, I muse as I call out a hello and then turn my attention back to my fruitless internet search on sex tapes while Sophie and Boyd chat at the register.
Then a thought pops into my head and I look up. “Boyd!” I call out excitedly. You should always use your resources.