As the words leave my mouth, I know they are true. Nothing more than a concerned friend comforting another friend.
“Oh, Cathy! I’m such a cow. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it. I just saw Arsen practically caging you in your seat looking at you with such intensity that I jumped to conclusions.” She stands up, makes her way to my seat, and hugs me.
“It’s okay, you silly woman. I knew you wouldn’t be able to hold your tongue. It was a matter of time. And I wouldn’t explain myself to you if I had something to hide. Besides, Arsen doesn’t deserve your suspicions. He’s a good guy.”
Amy lets go and moves to sit next to me. She reaches over our seats to hold my hand in hers. “I know he’s a good guy. He’s actually quite sweet, but I just don’t trust him. Sometimes, when he thinks no one is watching him I notice the way he looks at you.”
“What do you mean? He doesn’t look at me any differently that he looks at you,” I say.
She grows quiet before speaking once more. “You know what? Forget I said anything…I must be imagining things.”
“But.”
“But nothing. Enough about him. I’m sure it’s all in my imagination. Tell me, love, how are you feeling? I bet Ben is over the moon!”
With one of my hands in hers, I cover my stomach with my free hand, tenderly stroking the small piece of heaven inside me. “We’re okay. Ben is, as always, the rock I need to lean on when the going gets rough. I mean, so far this pregnancy has been super easy, but there are times when this choking fear that I will lose the baby paralyzes me. And it comes out of nowhere most of the time.
“Amy, sometimes, I get these panic attacks and I cry. I can’t stop crying. I’m so afraid, but Ben is always there to clean my tears, hold me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be okay. I couldn’t ask for a more perfect husband. I don’t know what I would do without him. I love him so much.” My chest tightens at the thought of his support. How can someone be worthy of such a man as my husband? I don’t think I will ever be.
“I’m glad you have Ben, babe. I’m glad you’re at a better place in your marriage.”
Amy is silent for a moment. “Cathy, I don’t want to be negative, and I know what Dr. Pajaree has told you, but have you, um, considered what will happen if you, um, have another miscarriage?”
I have. It would destroy me.
Completely.
“Yes. We’ll be okay. Dr. Pajaree told us not to think about baby names yet, so in a way I’m kind of prepared if it happens again,” I lie.
I’m not prepared for it to happen a fourth time.
I am not.
It would be the end.
While I wait for Arsen to finish up with work, I give Ben a quick call. To be honest, I waited until the last minute because I wasn’t sure whether I was going to go through with it. I know it’s just lunch, but lying to Ben about Arsen makes me uncomfortable. It’s like I’m hiding something from him, which I’m not. But the nagging feeling is there.
After one ringtone, Ben answers.
“Babe.”
I swallow hard as I rub my free hand on my black skirt, wiping the sweat away. “Ben, baby, I-I have to cancel lunch today. Amy said that Bruno wants to have a lunch meeting with the two of us.”
“That’s perfect. I was about to give you a call to let you know that I wasn’t going to make it. Micky needs me to go over some files with him. Raincheck, wife?”
“Oh, yes. That’s great. I don’t feel so bad anymore.” And I don’t. “I thought you were going to get stuck eating by yourself.”
“I planned on having my wife for lunch, but…”
“Ben!” I exclaim.
Ben chuckles. “It’s alright, babe. Kerry is bringing us lunch.”
“Is she the new intern you always talk about?” I ask.
I’m curious because about two weeks ago when I met Ben at his office, I saw a beautiful auburn haired girl talking to him, and the way she was looking at him implied deep admiration. I kind of got the feeling that she had a crush on him.
“Yes. Graduated from Columbia Law as well. I like her. She’s a nice girl and learns fast. Anyway, how about I take you to our Thai place for dinner to make it up to you?”
“Sure.”
“Oh, before I forget. I heard from Julian.”
“That’s lovely! How is he doing? Is LA treating him well?”
“He told me he met someone and—”
“Are you ready to go?” I hear Arsen ask.
I look up from my desk to see Arsen standing in front of me without his suit jacket, the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up at the elbows. His blond hair, a mess, is pointing in all directions. It looks like he’s been tugging it.
“Who is that?” Ben asks on the other line.
“Oh, that’s Arsen, Bruno’s son. He’s here to let me know that the meeting is about to begin. I-I’ve got to go.” The lie rolls off my tongue.
“I’ve got to go as well. I’ll see you later.”
“Wait!” I say, stopping Ben from hanging up. I turn to look at Arsen as he slowly lifts the frame with my wedding picture in it and holds it in his hand, an indecipherable air surrounding him as he examines the picture.
“Yes?” Ben asks.
I want to tell him that there’s no lunch meeting, but I don’t. “I love you.”
“I love you too, babe. Always.”
After I hang up, I watch Arsen tracing the photograph with his thumb.
“Please tell me this isn’t your husband. You’re too beautiful for him,” Arsen says as he puts the picture back on my desk.
Dismissing his commentary as a joke, I ask, “So where are you taking me?”
“It’s a surprise. I told Amy that we need the whole afternoon off, though.”
“What? No! I have so much work to do.”
“It’s fine. I kinda told her you had an appointment with your doctor and that I was going to take you there.”
“Arsen! Those are more lies!”
“Chill. It’ll be fun. It’s just one afternoon. It won’t kill anyone.”
“What am I going to tell Ben?”
“He doesn’t have to know. And what the fuck? I’m just taking you out to eat. You can go home after we’re done. No harm done.”
“Yes, I guess you’re right.”
And really, what’s the harm in it?“Your apartment is empty, Arsen. Do you ever do anything else other than sleep in here?” I say as I sit down in his black leather couch.
At first, when I found out he was bringing me back to his place, I was uncomfortable with the idea. But upon closer examination, I didn’t think this
was any different from spending time with him alone in his apartment than in my office after everyone had already left for the day while we worked on projects. And it wasn’t like he was some random stranger. He was Arsen. My friend. And I needed to talk to him before this fear made me lose my mind completely.
“Nah, no point.” Since he has forbidden me to go to the kitchen with him and watch him cook, I wait in his living room. He wants it to be a surprise.
“Hey, are you still seeing Melissa Stewart?”
He laughs. “Yes and no. We’re f**king, but I’m not sure about how serious she is, though. I kinda get the feeling that she’s cheating on me.”
“Arsen, you’re cheating on her too. I saw that beautiful brunette come and meet you after work yesterday.” Seriously. I think I’ve seen more girls parade through our lobby since Arsen began working there than ever before.
“Melissa can be cool sometimes. She knows she’s gorgeous and,” he opens the oven door and inserts the surprise meal, “In all honesty, she could probably do much better than me.”
“I don’t think so,” I say, offended for Arsen. “I think you could be a great catch if you decided to settle on someone.”
Quiet for a second, Arsen grabs a bottled water and a beer, then makes his way to the couch. After handing me the drink, he watches me carefully. “I was serious about someone a long time ago. It didn’t work out.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Her name was Jessica. I thought she was the love of my life.”
“What happened?”
“Real life happened,” Arsen shrugs, taking a swig of his beer.
“What do you mean?” I ask as I play with the cool plastic in my hands.
“She died.” A shadow crosses his eyes, and for a moment he looks lost and sad. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that.
“I’m so sorry…”
“It’s cool. Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay?” he asks dismissively.
“Okay.”
“So, tell me, what was that back at the office? You seriously threw some crazy mixed signals. One moment you were laughing and talking about the baby, and the next you turned into this cold person. Not my Dimples.”
I want to say that I’m not his Dimples, but I let it go.
“It’s just…the first trimester is almost over, and that’s when bad things happen.” I open the bottle and take a small sip of water. “It’s just too much. Sometimes I get these panic attacks. That’s what you saw today.”
“Jesus.” Arsen puts the beer bottle on his coffee table and sits next to me. “Listen, Dimples…I’ve been through hell and back. I know what it’s like to lose what you love the most, but life goes on, and you must not lose hope, you know? Without hope, living can become a f**king nightmare. So, be positive that this pregnancy will work out. And if it doesn’t, well, maybe it wasn’t supposed to be.”
“What are you trying to say? That I’m not meant to be a mother?” I ask hurt.
“Fuck, no. You deserve the same kind of happiness as every woman. But what I’m trying to say is that life has a way to sort itself out. Just have faith.”
Sighing, I rest my head on his shoulder. Suddenly I’m so tired. “It’s more easily said than done, Arsen. It’s just so hard. And…I’m not—”
“Yes?” Arsen prompts me.
“I’m not sure my marriage can handle anything going wrong. It’s been very tough on us. I can’t talk to Ben about it because he just dismisses it and,” I pause when I feel his arm wrap around my own shoulders, “sometimes it’s just hard.”
Arsen leans down and rests his head on top of mine. I want to move away, but I’m too tired and I like his warmth. It’s comforting.
“Go on. I’m listening.”
I sigh. “It’s been better between us, don’t get me wrong, but I’m just worried about the baby. It’s overwhelming not being able to be at peace. To be constantly worrying.” I rub my hands on my skirt. “I have nightmares that I lose the baby and I wake up crying in the middle of the night.”
“Ben doesn’t wake up?” Arsen sounds angry.
“No. I mean, he could, but I usually just go to the bathroom and shut myself inside until I’ve calmed down.”
“Fuck, Catherine, that’s bullshit. You should tell Ben. You shouldn’t suffer in silence like that. It can’t be good for the baby or you.”
“No, it’s okay. And I would rather not bother Ben. I’ve tried talking to him before, but he thinks I’m being too negative, so I just don’t talk to him about it anymore.”
“That’s f**king stupid.”
“Hey, don’t be angry. I’m seriously okay. Besides, it’s my fault if Ben doesn’t know what’s going on with me. I don’t tell him anything. I’ve learned to hide it.”
“I don’t give a shit about that. I’m just your co-worker, your friend, and I knew something was up. He’s your husband. He should be able to tell.”
“No. Please, stop that. Ben is perfect, he’s the best husband a woman could ask for.”
Arsen laughs bitterly. “If he’s so f**king perfect, how come you’re talking to me and not him?”
I don’t like where this is going. Arsen shouldn’t blame Ben about my issues at all. They are mine. Ben has no fault in this mess.
“I-I think I should go.” I begin to move away from him, but Arsen stops me, grabbing me by the elbow.
“Hey…sorry. Don’t go. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry if I got carried away.”
We stare at each other for a moment.
“Stay.” He lets go of my elbow and grabs my hand, intertwining our fingers. “I promise I won’t say anything about your perfect husband anymore.”
I’m still debating when Arsen lifts our hands and plants a kiss on mine. “Please, I’ll behave. No more Ben bashing.” A smirk appears on his lips.
“Okay. But please don’t talk about Ben like that. I don’t like it. He’s not to blame at all.”
“Boy Scout promise. I’m here for you, Dimples,” he says as he caresses my cheek softly with his free hand.
I can’t help laughing. “Are you sure of that? We’re already fighting, and this is our first heart to heart.”
“Nah. I like feisty. And your eyes look like nothing I’ve ever seen when you’re angry. They are so beautiful.”
“Thank you,” I say as we smile at each other. I can feel heat radiating my face.Arsen gazes at me quietly. “I f**king love that I can do this to you.” He softly touches the crest of my right cheek, “Ben is so damn lucky.”