“Ben, what do you want? How did you know where I live?” I ask, rubbing my arms.
“I’ve always known about this place.”
“Oh.”
Ben remains silent and stares at the floor for another long period of time.
“I-I think you should leave. It’s almost five in the morning. Nadia will be waking up soon and—”
“You don’t want me to be here. Is that it? “ The confident lilt I remember in his voice is gone.
“No. Yes. I just think you should go. I don’t want Nadia to wonder what you’re doing here. Go back to Kerry.”
I hear Ben chuckle as he reclines his head against the wall and stares at me. “Kerry and I are over.”
When the meaning of what he just said sinks in my head, I feel my eyes bulging. “I beg your pardon? B-but I thought your wedding was—”
Flushing, I stop talking. I don’t want him to know that I’ve been keeping track of his life.
“No. We were. I ended it before I came here.”
“What? Why?”
“Because it’s not fair to her. I saw you and I f**king knew.” Ben mutters something unintelligible to himself as hope grows in my chest.
Could it be?
“I couldn’t do it to her. She’s my best friend. I couldn’t betray the one woman who helped me to heal after you screwed me over. The one who made me realize that f**king other women was not going to make it hurt any less.”
His words hurt.
So much.
I bring my legs to my chest and wrap them in my arms, wanting to shut out his words, forbidding them to make their way into my heart.
“After you left…I tried f**king Kerry, but I guess once she realized how hurt I was…I don’t know. She wasn’t interested. Instead, she took it upon herself to try and help me get over you, but at first I didn’t listen to her...so I fucked.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I don’t know...but I’ve tried so hard, Cathy. I can’t. Every pair of green eyes I see is yours. Every dimpled smile...every time I f**ked someone and closed my eyes after...it was you I saw. It was your hands that pulled my hair. It was your kisses I felt. It was your mouth I wanted. Your taste on my lips every time I...do you know how sick I felt whenever I f**ked a woman and wished it were you the entire f**king time?”
Ben starts to laugh like a crazy man. “It was you. It’s still you, and it’s driving me f**king insane! I can’t. I need to let you go. I need to be able to breathe again without feeling as if I’m choking every time I see something that reminds me of you. I need to stop feeling such disarming pain in my chest when I remember what we had. I just want to be able to move on. But I can’t. I can’t.”
With tears in my eyes, each word he mutters robs me a little bit more of breath, robbing me of life. “But K-Kerry? Don’t you love her?”
“Can’t say that I don’t.”
“I-I think you love her. She’s very lucky. A-and I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“You know why I ended things with Kerry? She helped me forgive you. She helped me to see that not all women were backstabbing bitches. She told me she loved me, and I believe that I loved her back, but not in the way she wants. She was willing to give me a chance, though. And I thought we were doing great. I love her, I do, but I-I think I made myself fall in love with her. I think deep down both of us knew that it wasn’t real.”
He focuses on my face. “I’ve had the real thing, and nothing can compare to it. Fuck. After I ran into you, Kerry and I went back to our apartment and we were together. When I had Kerry’s legs wrapped around me, and my dick deep inside her, I let my guard down and said your name, Cathy. I f**king came thinking about you. You. The woman who didn’t want me. Who—”
“Enough. I can’t. I can’t hear this anymore, Ben.” I feel like I can’t breathe. “I can’t. Please leave,” I beg urgently.
“Why? Why can’t you, huh? It hurts, doesn’t it? It hurts so damn much. The truth hurts.”
“Yes. Please, Ben, leave. It hurts so much. Are you happy now?” I can’t see his face through my tears anymore.
“No. I’m not happy. I f**king regret walking in that coffee shop this morning. I’ve regretted it ever since I laid my f**king eyes on you again.”
I clutch my legs tighter in my arms as I wipe my tears on my knee.
“Momma?” I hear Nadia’s groggy voice. The sweet melody snaps me out of the living hell I’m in. Untangling myself from my arms, I get up. My voice choked in tears, I leave without looking at him and go to Nadia’s room. “Please go. I need to put her back to sleep. I’m sorry, Ben. Have a good life,” I speak to the air.
Inside Nadia’s room, I get in bed with her and wrap her in my arms as close as possible. I’m very cold, and I hope she can warm me with her tiny body.
“Momma, why are you crying?” she asks sleepily.
“Shhh, Nadia, shhh. Mommy loves you, shhh.” I can’t hide my tears from her, so I lose myself in sorrow. I cry in my baby’s arms. I cry until there are no more tears inside me. After some time, I hear her lightly snoring.
When I realize I have to lock the door after Ben, I stall for time. I don’t want to leave her just yet. She’s my safe haven.
As I hear an alien sound in the room, I glance at the door and see him watching us with tears rolling down his face.
“Cathy...” he whispers roughly, “Damn it, Cathy.”
I shake my head when I see him taking a step into Nadia’s room. I let go of her, get off the bed, and make my way to where he’s standing. Grabbing his forearm in my hand, I make him follow me to the living room.
We stand in the middle of the room, surrounded by new memories I’ve created since our marriage ended. A life without him. Ben and I continue to stare at each other with tears streaming down our faces in total silence. With my heart ramming against the walls of my chest, I watch as Ben struggles to contain the trembling of his limbs.
I remember Hayes words.
Fight for him.
I take the biggest gamble of my life because at this point there’s nothing else to lose and everything to gain. I wrap my arms around his large body, pushing myself closer to him until there is no space left between us. I hope my love can be enough when I utter the next words.
“Ben…I know I don’t deserve you, but can we do it all again? I mean, try again?”
“I don’t know, Cathy. I don’t f**king know.”
“If you can forgive me, if you have it in you to give me a second chance, I will give you every part of me. Every kiss…every tear…every smile. I’m yours. Always have. Always will. I promise you that I won’t ever take you for granted. I promise you that not a day will go by when I won’t do my best to make you as happy as you deserve. I love you. Only you. Please, Ben. Forgive me.”
I pause and swallow my tears. “I know we both have changed, a-and that sometimes love is not enough to make things work. Too much has happened between us…but I have hope. I’m not asking you to marry me, or to even date me. I’m just asking you for the chance to let me back in your life. With Nadia. Let us back, let me love you. Let me earn your trust again. Let me show you how much I love you, even after all this time.” I grab him by the back of his neck, pull him down, and kiss him with my whole soul, my whole heart, my everything. And I kiss for every year, month, week, day, hour, and second without him in my life.
With the kiss coming to an end, I make him look at me and whisper fiercely against his lips, “Miracles are the consequences of daring to believe. And I dare you to believe in us again, Ben. I dare you to.”
But when he doesn’t respond, I have my answer even before he lets go of my waist and pushes me away.
“I’m sorry, Cathy. I can’t do it. I shouldn’t have come here, but I needed to know, and…fuck.” He rubs his hands on his face, wiping some of his tears away. “I forgave you a long time ago, I did, but I don’t think I can ever forget what you did to us. The pain is still f**king there. It’s too late.”
I can’t move.
I can’t breathe.
All I can do is stand there and listen to him telling me what I’ve known all along. That I destroyed us beyond repair, even if I dared myself to hope briefly.
Ben lifts a hand almost as if he wants to touch me again, but changes his mind because he puts his hands in his pockets instead.
“I should go…”
Not being able to answer him, all I can do is nod and watch him turn around and make his way through my living room to the front door, walking away from my life forever.
Just like I knew it would be.
Halfway through, he reaches down and picks up a Rapunzel stuffed doll that is lying on the floor next to some parenting and shoe magazines. “She’s as beautiful as you are,” he says, looking at the doll as he slowly caresses her golden hair.
“I beg your pardon?”
With a rueful smile, he turns to look at me. “She looks just how I dreamed our daughter would so many times before.”
Ben is kneeling down, holding what could be our daughter’s doll in his hand, and telling me that she looks exactly how he imagined she would, yet I have never felt more lost or more heartbroken than now. When I left him in the house that day, I thought I’d lost part of myself, not knowing if there was a Cathy without Ben. And as I stare into my ex-husband’s eyes, I know that there’s no me without him.
But I deserve this.
I deserve to be alone.
Ben is right.
It’s too late for us.
“If you ever need help financially, let me know.” Ben is standing outside my apartment now, looking calmer than before, but I see the sadness in his eyes.
“No. I don’t deserve your help,” I say more forcefully than I intended. “I-I have a job. Amy was able to get me a position at a different hotel.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’d like to hel—”
“No. Please, Ben, don’t say anything else. J-just go. I’m so close to falling apart in front of you. I’m trying so hard to stand here and look at you and not want you,” I whimper as I clutch myself tighter. “I’m trying not to throw myself at your feet and beg you to stay. Please, just go. I’m so sorry for h-how much I hurt you but please, I’m begging you…”
“I understand, Cathy. I’m sorry too.”
And he’s gone.
I know our love is broken past salvation and it is my fault, but watching him walk away from me once more still has the power to destroy me. As I stare at his hunched figure making his way slowly to the elevator, I realize that I’m not sure I’ll be able to heal from this.
I don’t think I can.I don’t go back to bed.
Instead, I sit on the floor on the same spot where Ben sat a couple hours ago, trying to see if I can still feel the warm imprint of his body, but I feel nothing. There isn’t anything left of him in my apartment.
Nothing.
It is empty.
Just like me.
But then I remember Nadia.
Nadia.
My beautiful Nadia.
She is my will to live.
The only one who matters.
So I stand up, make my way to my bedroom, take a shower, and get ready for the day. I bury the pain deep within me once again, and prepare myself to pretend like nothing ever happened.
There is no other choice.
I have to.
I have to be strong. I’m holding hands with Nadia as we walk to her school in the pouring rain. Like every autumn before, the weather has turned chilly while the leaves begin to fall and cover the asphalt in a sea of orange, brown, and bright red. Listening to the city come alive with the sounds of cars driving over wet pavement and puddles being splashed, I watch as my daughter walks protected in her bright pink raincoat and matching boots. She’s twirling her umbrella and humming, “Rain, rain, go away…”
I’m so entranced by the way her blonde curls are bouncing off her shoulders that I don’t notice the man making his way towards us until I hear him saying my name. Startled, my hand goes to my chest as I peek from under my umbrella at a soaked Ben watching us with so much love.
“Ben?” I ask incredulously.
“Hi,” Ben smiles bashfully as I move forward to shelter him from the rain with my umbrella.
“Um, Momma?”
Upon hearing Nadia speak; Ben looks away from me, focusing on Nadia who is openly studying him with those big green eyes of hers.
“Hi there, pretty girl,” he says huskily.
“Hi. You’re the man Papa didn’t like. You made my momma sad,” she states.
Ben grimaces. “I am, and I’m sorry for that, but I’m here to try to make it all better.”
“Reaaaally? Will you buy her a cupcake? My momma says cupcakes always make a bad day better.”
“If she’ll let me, I’ll buy her as many cupcakes as I possibly can,” Ben says, smiling into my daughter’s eyes.
Nadia seems to be content with his answer because she nods and says, “Momma, don’t be sad anymore. He’s gonna buy you cupcakes now, okay?”
I want to laugh and cry, but instead I tear my gaze away from my daughter and stare at Ben, who’s watching me intensely as rain keeps falling around us.
“Cathy, I can’t make promises. I don’t know anything anymore…so much can happen, so much has. But what I do know is that I want you both in my life. Of that, I’m sure.”
“I understand. Just give me one chance. Just one to make this right.”