“I didn’t want you to see it. I thought that it would be better if you didn’t.”
“He’s going to make it, Elly. I’m so happy for him.”
“I’m not,” she says gruffly.
Shaking my head, I trace the outline of his lips with trembling fingers. “No, don’t say that. I … I deserve it all. Elly, is there a limit to the pain one can feel?”
“I wish I knew, babe.”
“Jackie’s right. They’re better off without me.” I stare at his picture, the image blurry through my tears. “Anything … I would give anything to “ I press a hand to my chest as though I could stop it from shattering, but it’s no use. I’m breaking into a thousand pieces, and the love I feel for them is the driving force.
“I can’t. It hurts too much, Elly. I can’t.”
LONG AGO, I LEFT THIS PLACE never to return. I buried my heart somewhere in this house, along with its memories. I thought that I could escape from my own past and that it would never catch up to me, that I would always be two steps ahead.
But now I realize that I was a fool to believe that. The ghosts of my past haunt me whenever I look in the mirror. They walk with me. They sleep with me. They rule my every thought and every action. I thought I was free, yet now I see it was just a stupid illusion. I never stopped being the lonely girl who felt unworthy of love, who cried herself to sleep while praying to a deaf God to make her parents love her back. No, I don’t think I ever truly left this house full of regrets and fears.
Chewing my bottom lip, I stare at the white Victorian house where I grew up. At the two perfectly matched flowerpots that border the faded red door and the navy blue shutters framing the windows. I’m not even sure what coming here will accomplish. All I know is that my dream still haunts me and I haven’t been able to shake off the feeling that I need to be here.
Once I ring the doorbell, I fidget nervously, attempting to fix my clothes one last time. The lights of the porch come immediately on as a woman exclaims that she’s coming.
She opens the door and gasps in surprise as her gaze lands on me. “Blaire?” She opens the door wider. “Is that you?”
“Hello, Mom,” I say, surprised that my voice sounds so calm.
She stares at me silently and I think she’s about to tell me to leave when she steps forward and embraces me in a hug so fierce I can almost feel the air disappearing from my lungs. It freezes me to the spot. I want to return her embrace but a part of me forbids it with rancor, while the other cries for her. So I stand still, unable to move.
After a moment, my mother pushes herself away from me. It seems like she wants to touch me again, but she won’t. Her eyes rove over my face. “I thought I was never going to see you again.”
I bury my hands in the back pockets of my black skinny jeans. “Me too.”
My mom lowers her gaze, focusing on her hands. “It’s been a long time.”
“Yes, a very long time.” The words hang between us just as the many lives that we have lived without each other. I wonder if she, too, remembers our good-bye as clearly as I do.
“My goodness, I’ve forgotten my manners.” She looks up and smiles sadly at me. “Would you like to come in?”
“I—”
“Please?” she pleads.
When I was fourteen, I developed my first crush. His name was Brendan and he had a penchant for bathing himself in Aqua Di Gio. That year, I loved Aqua Di Gio. Brendan sat in front of me in Spanish class. I would close my eyes, lean in a little closer and breathe in his smell. I would picture us going to the movies. We would hold hands and he would pay for popcorn and soda. He would pretend to stretch his arms just so he could wrap an arm around my shoulders. It was lovely. It was unattainable. Brendan didn’t know I existed. Brendan also had a crush on Paige. Somehow Paige discovered that I liked Brendan, and unbeknownst to me, she got him to ask me out to the movies, just like in my teenage dream. I showed up at the movie theater, heart beating fast. My first date with a boy. Brendan did show up, but he wasn’t alone. He was with Paige. And boy, did they put on a show for me.