NINETEEN
IT'S HARD TO SAY WHAT finally made me do it. I'd held on to so many secrets for so long, doing what I believed best protected Lissa. But hiding her cutting did nothing to protect her. I hadn't been able to make her stop - and really, I now wondered if it was my fault she'd ever started. None of this had happened until she healed me in the accident. What if she'd left me injured? Maybe I would have recovered. Maybe she would be all right today.
I stayed in the clinic while Dimitri went to get Alberta. He hadn't hesitated for a second when I told him where she was. I'd said she was in danger, and he'd left immediately.
Everything after that moved like some sort of slow-motion nightmare. The minutes dragged on while I waited. When he finally returned with an unconscious Lissa, a flurry arose at the clinic, one everyone wanted me kept out of. She had lost a lot of blood, and while they had a feeder on hand right away, rousing her to enough consciousness to drink proved difficult. It wasn't until the middle of the Academy's night that someone decided she was stable enough for me to visit.
"Is it true?" she asked when I walked into the room. She lay on the bed, wrists heavily bandaged. I knew they'd put a lot of blood back into her, but she still looked pale to me. "They said it was you. You told them."
"I had to," I said, afraid to get too close. "Liss...you cut yourself worse than you ever have. And after healing me...and then everything with Christian...you couldn't handle it. You needed help."
She closed her eyes. "Christian. You know about that. Of course you do. You know about everything."
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to help."
"What happened to what Ms. Karp said? About keeping it all secret?"
"She was talking about the other stuff. I don't think she'd want you to keep cutting yourself."
"Did you tell them about the ¡®other stuff'?"
I shook my head. "Not yet."
She turned toward me, eyes cold. " ¡®Yet.' But you're going to."
"I have to. You can heal other people...but it's killing you."
"I healed you."
"I would have been okay eventually. The ankle would have healed. It's not worth what it does to you. And I think I know how it started...when you first healed me..."
I explained my revelation about the accident and how all of her powers and depression had started after that. I also pointed out how our bond had formed after the accident too, though I didn't fully understand why yet.
"I don't know what's going on, but this is beyond us. We need someone's help."
"They'll take me away," she said flatly. "Like Ms. Karp."
"I think they'll try to help you. They were all really worried. Liss, I'm doing this for you. I just want you to be okay."
She turned away from me. "Get out, Rose."
I did.
They released her the next morning on the condition that she'd have to come back for daily visits to the counselor. Dimitri told me they also planned on putting her on some sort of medication to help with the depression. I wasn't a big fan of pills, but I'd cheer on anything that would help her.
Unfortunately, some sophomore had been in the clinic for an asthma attack. He'd seen her come in with Dimitri and Alberta. He didn't know why she'd been admitted, but that hadn't stopped him from telling people in his hall what he'd seen. They then told others at breakfast. By lunch, all the upperclassmen knew about the late-night clinic visit.
And more importantly, everyone knew she wasn't speaking to me.
Just like that, whatever social headway I'd made plummeted. She didn't outright condemn me, but her silence spoke legions, and people behaved accordingly.
The whole day, I walked around the Academy like a ghost. People watched and occasionally spoke to me, but few made much more effort than that. They followed Lissa's lead, imitating her silence. No one was openly mean to me - they probably didn't want to risk it in case she and I patched things up. Still, I heard "blood whore" whispered here and there when someone thought I wasn't listening.
Mason would have welcomed me to his lunch table, but some of his friends might not have been so nice. I didn't want to be the cause of any fights between him and them. So I chose Natalie instead.
"I heard Lissa tried to run away again, and you stopped her," Natalie said. No one had a clue why she'd been in the clinic yet. I hoped it stayed that way.
Running away? Where in the world had that come from? "Why would she do that?"
"I don't know." She lowered her voice. "Why'd she leave before? It's just what I heard."
That story raged on as the day passed, as did all sorts of rumors about why Lissa might have gone to the med clinic. Pregnancy and abortion theories were eternally popular. Some whispered she might have gotten Victor's disease. No one even came close to guessing the truth.
Leaving our last class as quickly as possible, I was astonished when Mia started walking toward me.
"What do you want?" I demanded. "I can't come out and play today, little girl."
"You sure have an attitude for someone who doesn't exist right now."
"As opposed to you?" I asked. Remembering what Christian had said, I did feel a little sorry for her. That guilt disappeared after I took one look at her face. She might have been a victim, but now she was a monster. There was a cold, cunning look about her, very different from the desperate and depressed one from the other day. She hadn't stayed beaten after what Andre had done to her - if that was even true, and I believed it was - and I doubted she would with Lissa either. Mia was a survivor.
"She got rid of you, and you're too high and mighty to admit it." Her blue eyes practically bugged out. "Don't you want to get back at her?"
"Are you more psycho than usual? She's my best friend. And why are you still following me?"
Mia tsked. "She doesn't act like it. Come on, tell me what happened at the clinic. It's something big, isn't it? She really is pregnant, right? Tell me what it is."
"Go away."
"If you tell me, I'll get Jesse and Ralf to say they made all that stuff up."
I stopped walking and spun around to face her. Scared, she took a few steps backward. She must have recalled some of my past threats of physical violence.
"I already know they made it all up, because I didn't do any of it. And if you try to turn me against Lissa one more time, the stories are going to be about you bleeding, because I'll have ripped your throat out!"
My voice grew louder with each word until I practically shouted. Mia stepped back further, clearly terrified.
"You really are crazy. No wonder she dropped you." She shrugged. "Whatever. I'll find out what's going on without you."
When the dance came that weekend, I decided I really didn't want to go. It had sounded stupid to begin with, and I'd only been interested in going to the after-parties anyway. But without Lissa, I wasn't likely to gain admission to those. Instead, I holed up in my room, trying - and failing - to do some homework. Through the bond, I felt all sorts of mixed emotions from her, particularly anxiety and excitement. It had to be hard hanging out all night with a guy you didn't really like.