“In another state, I believe.”
“What about Sophia, hm? What is she going to do when you’re gone?”
Naomi’s words dig a needle straight through my heart. She seems to see that, and sighs and rubs her forehead.
“I’m sorry, Jack. I – she’s been here so long, I care about her so much, and with the surgery coming up I’m just so worried. Dr. Fenwall says her likelihood of pulling through -”
“She’ll be fine,” I say. “She’s tough, even though she doesn’t look it. She’ll live. She’ll be able to live her own life when it’s over.”
Naomi nods. She pushes open the door to Sophia’s room, and gasps. It’s empty. I walk over to the windowsill, where every single one of the vases I’d bought her are smashed. The floor’s littered with pottery, sharp and gleaming and just begging for someone to step in and shed blood.
“Where is she?” Naomi moans. “I told her you were coming, and to stay in her room so I could bring you here. Oh no, oh, no no no -”
“We’ll split up. Check her usual spots,” I say. “I’ll take the top floors, you check the bottom. And ask Dr. Fenwall if he’s seen her.”
Naomi nods, and we run out of the door. I take the steps two at a time and weave around wheelchairs and interns. She’s not in the cafeteria, and the servers say they haven’t seen her all day. The recreation room is nearly empty, and when I ask a kindly old woman if she’s seen her, she shakes her head. Nurses who work with Naomi say they haven’t seen her either. The bathrooms are fruitless. Finally, I get to the kid’s ward, where Mina and James are playing videogames. They look up, and Mina smiles.
“Hey, Jack! Sophia was just here.”
“Where did she go?”
“Upstairs. To the roof, I think. Even though we’re not supposed to be up there.”
I kiss the top of Mina’s head and ruffle’s James’ hair, and take off through the door. Four flights of stairs leave me breathless and sick to my stomach – why the roof? She only goes there when she’s irrevocably sad, or depressed. And with all the smashed vases? She loves those vases. She’d never –
I climb faster, and burst through the emergency door and into the weak sunlight.
Sophia’s standing at the edge. Not on it, like I’d found her so many times, like I was afraid she’d be. She peers over it, watching the world spread out below. Her hands are clasped behind her back, her platinum hair billowing in the wind like moonlit threads of gold.
She looks over her shoulder, and smiles at me.
“Hey.”
“Sophia –” I run towards her, turning her to face me and inspecting her for wounds. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Just wanted some air. You don’t look so good, though.”
I exhale all the worry out. “I was – I came to visit, and your room, all the vases were broken. Did you do that?”
She nods. “On accident. I was dancing to dubstep and got a little crazy. I didn’t want to deal with it, so I just left it there for the janitor to clean and came up here. Mean of me, I know.”
“No, no it’s fine – you just worried Naomi and I.”
She cocks her head and hugs me. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, really.”
I put my arms around her and inhale the smell of her hair, making sure she’s still here. She’s real. She has a scent and a feel and she’s realer than anything in my life. She always has been.
Half of me wants to tell her about Isis. The other half knows she’d take it badly either way, and with such an important surgery coming up, her mental stability has to be rock-solid. I’ll tell her after, when she’s healthy and whole again.
“I love you,” I say. She giggles and pets my hair.
“I know. I love you too. Thank you for being so strong for me all this time. Thank you for trying so hard, for so long. It’ll all be over soon.”
“You’ll be able to do whatever you want. Go wherever you want. You’ll be free.”
She laughs, and hugs me tighter.
“I already am.”
***
Today is easier.
It’s not any brighter – the darkness still lingers on the edges of my vision but I punch it in the gut and drive to the hospital anyway. I pause in the doorway of the ER.
The first time I came in here, I was a different person. Also, unconscious and bleeding. But also extremely different. Louder. And more obnoxious. And less evil. It’s clearly not a fair trade. But no trades are ever really fair. I’ve learned that much.
“Isis!”
I look over to see Dr. Mernich coming towards me, her flyaway hair even fuzzier today.
“M-dawg! What’s going down in crazy town?”
She laughs. “Nothing much, really. All the interesting pranks conducted around here suddenly and mysteriously stopped once you left.”
“Ah, well. What can I say? Poltergeists are fickle. Also, supernatural and imaginary. But mostly fickle.”
“Are you here to visit Sophia?”
“Yeah.”
“You look much better,” she says, looking me up and down. “You sound better.”
“Do I? Because I feel like shit now more than ever.”
“But now you’re feeling it. Not running away from it. That’s a good start. Little steps, remember?”
I nod. “Yeah. I think I’m getting there. I mean, a fancy mind-wipe machine like in Eternal Sunshine would be helpful and extremely welcome, but hey, you scientist guys are slow and always out of funds. I forgive you.”
Mernich smiles, but it fades quickly. “Isis? Just between me and you – how is Sophia doing, you think?”
“I dunno. One minute she likes me, the next she hates me, the next she’s crying on me. But she seems like she’s stronger, somehow. She’s focused on the things that really matter to her, now. And she’s still nice. She’s always nice.”
“Except when she isn’t,” Mernich offers.
“Yeah. That.”
Mernich turns my words over, and finally claps me on the shoulder.
“Well, thank you for coming to visit her so often. She really does like you, you know. Deep down. She sees you as herself, and wants you to be happy like she can’t always be.”
“None of us can be happy all the time.”
“Yes. But you certainly try more than anyone else, don’t you?”
Her words hit hard. She smiles one last time, and turns and walks down the hall, calling out to another doctor.
I peek into the kid’s ward, but Mira and James are out to lunch in the cafeteria. Sophia’s door is open, and I walk in to see her and Jack, hugging. I back up immediately, and Sophia hears me first and pulls away.
“Isis! Hey!” She runs over and hugs me, and I look at Jack over her shoulder. He’s expressionless, the slightest frown on his face.
“Hi, sorry, wow. I just barged in here without even knocking first. Dang. I’m really sorry,” I say.
“It’s okay! I’m just glad you’re here. You, and Jack, and me, all together for once. It’s great. Isn’t it?” She turns to Jack and asks. He nods, stiffly, and then locks eyes with me. It’s quick, but it lingers, and reminds me of everything that happened that night in the hotel – how kind he was, how warm. I feel my face burning up, and Sophia staring at me.