I can get something for him, Samiel signed.
“I don’t think your clothes will fit,” I said.
Samiel was a few inches shorter and stockier than Jude, who was about as tall as Nathaniel but a lot more heavily muscled.
“Some of Gabriel’s things might fit,” I said reluctantly. “Come with me.”
Jude trotted after me. I could feel Samiel, Nathaniel and Beezle staring.
“Wait here,” I told Jude, and went into my bedroom.
I opened the closet. There was a row of neatly pressed white shirts. Beside it were several pairs of black dress pants. Gabriel never wore anything else.
I reached for a shirt, my hand trembling, and realized suddenly that I couldn’t see. My eyes were blurred by tears. I couldn’t breathe. I was choking on my grief. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go on without him.
I was on the floor, sobbing like I’d never stop.
“Come on,” Jude said gently, pulling me to my feet. I hadn’t even heard him enter the room. He’d wrapped a bath towel around his waist in deference to my modesty. “If you stay here too long, the others will come looking. You don’t want Nathaniel to see you like this.”
He was right. I didn’t want Nathaniel to see me broken, even if I was. I didn’t want him to think I was weak. Because if he thought that, he might try to take advantage of my weakness.
Jude put his hands on my shoulders. “This won’t be the last time you break down. But you have to get up again, every time. Your life is not your own anymore.”
He gave me an intent look, and I understood that he knew about the baby.
“How did you find out?” I asked.
“I can hear its heartbeat,” Jude said.
“Really?”
“Not always. Only in quiet rooms, like now.”
“At this rate I won’t be able to keep it a secret,” I said.
Jude nodded. “Your enemies will come for the child. I will speak to Wade about staying here for a time.”
I knew that what Jude offered was an extraordinary sacrifice for him. He was Wade’s second-in-command, and he had important responsibilities in the pack. It would also be hard for him to be away from the other wolves’ physical proximity. Wolves slept in wolf form and in large community piles. It strengthened the bond within the pack.
I shook my head. I couldn’t let him do this. “Though I appreciate the offer, I can take care of myself.”
“You can,” Jude acknowledged. “But why should you have to? Why will you not accept help when it is offered freely?”
“I guess I’m just used to being on my own,” I said slowly.
“I will stay,” Jude said. “At least until you find Azazel.”
Jude unfolded my fingers from the shirt I was clutching. I handed it to him. “See if this will fit you. At least until we get you something else.”
I wiped my cheeks and went back out to the kitchen to face the others. Nathaniel leaned against the back door, arms crossed, body tense.
Samiel stood against the counter, his body in the same posture, eyes locked on Nathaniel.
Beezle sat in the breakfast nook on the table, his eyes shifting back and forth between the two of them.
“Stand down,” I said to Samiel. “He can stay. For now.”
I explained to Samiel and Beezle what we found at Azazel’s. Jude came out in the middle of my monologue wearing Gabriel’s clothes. The pants seemed to fit okay, but Jude was too barrel-chested to get the shirt buttoned. I ignored the little pang in the region of my heart and continued the story.
Jude carried my first-aid kit in his hand. He indicated I should sit down and take off my coat; then he started cleaning and dressing the wounds on my shoulder and face.
Beezle looked thoughtful when I was done recounting the events of the day.
“It sounds like Azazel had the vampires under some kind of compulsion,” Beezle said. “I can’t believe they would have voluntarily gone into the sun.”
“It was like they had been triggered by something, an early-warning system,” I said. “But I don’t think they would have agreed to be Azazel’s automatons.”
“Who said they agreed?” Jude growled.
“I wish we knew what Azazel was doing with those experiments,” I said, frustrated. “But I’m pretty sure the binders are buried under a pile of vampire ash.”
Nathaniel moved suddenly, and it was like he’d set off an automatic alarm. Samiel pushed away from the counter, hands curled and ready to punch. Jude stood and bared his teeth.
My former fiancé gave my two overzealous defenders a scathing glance, then pulled something out of his coat and tossed it on the table.
It was a binder.
6
“HOW DID YOU… ?” I ASKED IN WONDER, PICKING IT up and opening it.
“I managed to collect it before we escaped.”
I remembered that Nathaniel had been beside me in the hallway, but when we started running he’d ended up behind Jude. A tiny seed of hope blossomed inside me. The binder he’d grabbed had been the most recent one, so it was probably our best chance of figuring out Azazel’s foul intentions. At the very least, we weren’t completely in the dark.
I looked up at Nathaniel, who watched me intently.
“Thank you,” I said. “You risked your life to go back for this.”
“I knew it was important to you,” he said softly.
Samiel slammed a fist on the table so that we would look at him.