Twenty
"Lets talk about your mother."
I sighed. "What about her?"
It was my first day of counseling, and so far, I wasn't impressed. Last night's Mason sighting was probably something I should have brought up right away. But I didn't want school officials to have any more reason to think I was losing my mind - even if I was.
And honestly, I didn't know I was for sure. Adrian's analysis of my aura and the story of Anna certainly lent credence to me being on the road to Crazyville. Yet I didn't feel crazy. Did crazy people know if they really were? Adrian had said they didn't. Crazy itself was a weird term. I'd learned enough about psychology to know that it was also a very broad classification. Most forms of mental illness were actually very specific and had select symptoms - anxiety, depression, mood swings, etc. I didn't know where I fell on that scale, if I did at all.
"How do you feel about her?" continued the counselor. "About your mother?"
"That she's a great guardian and a so-so mother."
The counselor, whose name was Deirdre, wrote something in her notebook. She was blond and Moroi-slim, clad in a teal cashmere sweater dress. She actually didn't look much older than me, but certificates on her desk swore she had all sorts of degrees in psychotherapy. Her office was in the administrative building, the same place the headmistress's office was, and where all other sorts of Academy business was conducted. I'd kind of been hoping for a couch to lie on, like therapists always had on TV, but the best I had was a chair. It was a comfy chair, at least. The walls were covered in nature pictures, things like butterflies and daffodils. I guess they were supposed to be soothing.
"Do you want to elaborate on 'so-so'?" Deirdre asked.
"It's an upgrade. A month ago I would have said 'horrible.' What's this have to do with Mason?"
"Do you want to talk about Mason?"
I'd noticed she had a habit of answering my questions with questions.
"I don't know," I admitted. "I guess that's what I'm here for."
"How do you feel about him? About his death?"
"Sad. How else should I feel?"
"Angry?"
I thought about the Strigoi, their leering faces and casual attitudes toward killing. "Yeah, a little."
"Guilty?"
"Sure, of course."
"Why 'of course'?"
"Because it's my fault he was there. I'd upset him...and he had this thing to prove. I told him where the Strigoi were, and I wasn't supposed to. If he hadn't known about them, he wouldn't have done it. He'd still be alive."
"You don't think he was responsible for his own actions? That he was the one who chose to do that?"
"Well... yeah. I guess he did. I didn't make him do it."
"Any other reason you might feel guilty?"
I looked away from her and focused on a picture of a ladybug. "He liked me - like romantically. We kind of dated, but I couldn't get into it. That hurt him."
"Why couldn't you get into it?"
"I don't know," I said. The image of his body, lying on the floor, flashed into my mind and I shoved it away. No way would I cry in front of Deirdre. "That's the thing. I should have. He was nice. He was funny. We got along really well ... but it just didn't feel right. Even kissing or anything like that... I eventually just couldn't do it."
"Do you feel like you have a problem with intimate contact?"
"What do you - ? Oh. No! Of course not."
"Have you ever had sex with anyone?"
"No. Are you saying I should have?"
"Do you think you should have?"
Damn. I'd thought I had her. I'd thought for sure she wouldn't have a question for that one. "Mason wasn't the right person."
"Is there someone else? Someone you think might be the right person?"
I hesitated. I'd lost track of how this related to me seeing ghosts. According to some paperwork I'd signed, everything we said in here was confidential. She couldn't tell anyone unless I was a danger to myself or doing something illegal. I wasn't entirely sure where a relationship with an older man fell there.
"Yeah...but I can't tell you who he is."
"How long have you known him?"
"Almost six months."
"Do you feel close?"
"Yeah, sure. But we're not..." How exactly did one describe this? "We're not actually really involved. He's kind of ... unavailable." She could think what she wanted about that, like that maybe I was interested in a guy with a girlfriend.
"Is he the reason you couldn't get close to Mason?"
"Yes."
"And is he holding you back from dating someone else?"
"Well... he's not like purposely doing anything."
"But as long as you care about him, you're not interested in anyone else?"
"Right. But it doesn't matter. I probably shouldn't even be dating anyone at all."
"Why not?"
"Because there's no time. I'm training to be a guardian. I have to give all my attention to Lissa."
"And you don't think you can do that and be romantically involved with someone?"
I shook my head. "No. I have to be willing to lay down my life for hers. I can't be distracted by someone else. We have this saying with the guardians: 'They come first.' You guys. Moroi."
"And so you figure you'll always have to put Lissa's needs ahead of yours?"
"Of course." I frowned. "What else would I do? I'm going to be her guardian."
"How does that make you feel? Giving up what you want for her?"
"She's my best friend. And she's the last of her family."
"That's not what I asked."
"Yeah, but - " I stopped. "Hey, you didn't ask a question."
"You think I always ask questions?"
"Never mind. Look, I love Lissa. I'm happy to spend my life protecting her. End of story. Besides, are you, a Moroi, going to tell me, a dhampir, that I shouldn't be putting Moroi first? You know how the system works."
"I do," she said. "But I'm not here to analyze it. I'm here to help you get better."
"Seems like you might not be able to do one without the other."
Deirdre's lips quirked into a smile, and then her eyes flicked to the clock. "We're out of time today. We'll have to pick this up next time."
I crossed my arms over my chest. "I thought you'd be giving me some kind of awesome advice or telling me what to do. But you just kept making me talk."
She laughed softly. "Therapy isn't so much about what I think as you do."
"Then why do it at all?"
"Because we don't always know what it is we're thinking or feeling. When you have a guide, it's easier to figure things out. You'll often discover that you already know what to do. I can help you ask questions and go places you might not have on your own."
"Well, you're good at the question part," I noted dryly.
"While I don't have any 'awesome advice,' I do have some things I want you to think about for when we talk again." She glanced down at her notepad and tapped it with her pencil while she thought. "First, I want you to think again about what I asked about Lissa - how you really feel about dedicating your life to her."
"I already told you."
"I know. Just think about it some more. If your answer's the same, that's fine. Then, I want you to consider something else. I want you to think about whether maybe the reason you're attracted to this unavailable guy is because he's unavailable."
"That's crazy. That doesn't make any sense."
"Is it? You just told me that you can't ever be involved with anyone. Do you think it's possible that wanting someone you can't have is your subconscious mind's way of coping? If it's impossible for you to have him, then you never have to confront feeling conflicted about Lissa. You'll never have to choose."
"This is confusing," I grumbled.
"It's supposed to be. That's why I'm here."
"What's this have to do with Mason?"
"It has to do with you, Rose. That's what's important."
I left therapy feeling like my brain had melted. I also kind of felt like I'd been on trial. If Deirdre had been there to grill Victor, they probably would have finished up in half the time.
I also thought Deirdre had totally been going in the wrong direction. Of course I didn't resent Lissa. And the thought that I'd fallen for Dimitri because I couldn't have him was ridiculous. I'd never even thought of the conflict with guarding until he'd mentioned it. I'd fallen for him because ... well, because he was Dimitri. Because he was sweet, strong, funny, fierce, and gorgeous. Because he understood me.
And yet, as I walked back to the commons, I found her question spinning around in my brain. I might not have been thinking about a relationship distracting us in our guard duties, but I'd certainly known from the start that his age and job were huge barriers. Could that have really played a part? Had some piece of me known we could never really have anything - thus allowing me to always stay dedicated to Lissa?
No, I decided firmly. That was ridiculous. Deirdre might be good at asking questions, but she was clearly asking the wrong ones.
"Rose!"
I looked to my right and saw Adrian cutting across the lawn toward me, oblivious to the slush's effects on his designer shoes.
"Did you just call me 'Rose'?" I asked. "And not 'little dhampir'? I don't think that's ever happened."
"It happens all the time," he countered, catching up to me.
We stepped inside the commons. School was in session, so the halls were empty.
"Where's your better half?" he asked.
"Christian?"
"No, Lissa. You can tell where she is, right?"
"Yeah, I can tell because it's last period, and she's in class like everyone else. You keep forgetting that for the rest of us, this is a school."
He looked disappointed. "I found more case files I wanted to talk to her about. More super-compulsion stuff."
"Whoa, you've been doing something productive? I'm impressed."
"You're one to talk," he said. "Especially considering your whole existence here revolves around beating people up. You dhampirs are uncivilized - but then, that's why we love you."
"Actually," I mused, "we aren't the only ones doing beatings lately." I'd nearly forgotten about my royal fight club mystery. There were so many things I had to worry about lately. It was like trying to hold water in my hands. It was a long shot, but I had to ask him. "Does the word Man? mean anything to you?"
He leaned against the wall and reached for his cigarettes. "Sure."
"You're inside the school," I warned.
"What - oh, right." With a sigh, he put the pack back in his coat. "Don't half of you study Romanian here? It means 'hand.'"
"I study English here." Hand. That didn't make any sense.
"Why the interest in translation?"
"I don't know. I think I got it wrong. I thought it had some connection to this thing that's been going on with these royals."
Recognition flashed in his eyes. "Oh Lord. Not that. Are they really doing it here too?"
"Doing what?"
"The Man?. The Hand. It's this stupid secret society that pops up at schools. We had a chapter of it back at Alder. It's mostly a bunch of royals getting together and having secret meetings to talk about how much better they are than everyone else."
"That's it then," I said. The pieces clicked together. "That's Jesse and Ralf's little group - the one they tried to get Christian to join. That's what this Man? is."
"Him?" Adrian laughed. "They must have been desperate - and I don't mean that as a slam against Christian. He's just not really the type to get into that kind of thing."
"Yeah, well, he turned them down pretty hard. What's the point of this secret society exactly?"
He shrugged. "The same as any other. It's a way to make people feel better about themselves. Everyone likes feeling special. Being part of an elite group is a way to do that."
"But you weren't part of it?"
"No need. I already know I'm special."
"Jesse and Ralf made it sound like royals had to stick together because of all the controversies that are going on - about fighting and guardians and all that. They made it sound like they could do something about it."
"Not at this age," said Adrian. "Mostly all they can do is talk. When they get older, Man? members sometimes cut deals for each other and still have secret meetings."
"That's it then? They're just hanging out and talking to hear themselves talk?"
He turned contemplative. "Well, yes, of course they're doing lots of that. But I mean, whenever these little chapters form, there's usually something specific they want to do in secret. Each group's kind of different that way, so this one's probably got some plan or scheme or whatever." A plan or scheme. I didn't like the sound of that. Especially with Jesse and Ralf.
"You know a lot for someone who wasn't in it."
"My dad was. He never talks much about it - hence the secret part - but I picked up things, and then I heard about it while I was at school."
I leaned against the wall. The clock across the hall told me classes were almost over. "Did you hear anything about them beating up people? There are at least four Moroi I know of who were attacked. And they won't talk about it."
"Who? Like non-royals?"
"No. Other royals."
"That doesn't make any sense. The whole point of it is for elite royals to band together to protect themselves from change. Unless, perhaps, they're going after royals who refuse or are supporting non-royals."
"Maybe. But one of them was Jesse's brother, and Jesse seems to be a founding member. Seems like he'd have to make the cut. And they didn't do anything when Christian refused."
Adrian spread his hands wide. "Even I don't know everything, and like I said, this one's probably got its own little agenda they're keeping hidden." I sighed in frustration, and he gave me a curious look. "Why do you care so much?"
"Because it isn't right. The people I saw were in bad shape. If some group's going around and ganging up on victims, they need to be stopped,"
Adrian laughed and played with a strand of my hair. "You can't save everyone, though God knows you try."
"I just want to do what's right." I remembered Dimitri's comments about Westerns and couldn't help a small smile. "I need to bring justice where it's needed."
"The crazy thing, little dhampir, is that you mean that. I can tell by your aura."
"What, are you saying it's not black anymore?"
"No...still dark, definitely. But it's got a little light in it, streaks of gold. Like sunlight."
"Maybe your theory about me catching it from Lissa is wrong then." I'd been trying very hard not to think about last night, when I'd learned about Anna. Mentioning it now stirred up all those fears all over again. Insanity. Suicide.
"Depends," he said. "When was the last time you saw her?"
I gave him a light punch. "You have no clue, do you? You're making this up as you go along."
He caught my wrist and pulled me closer. "Isn't that the way you normally operate?"
I grinned in spite of myself. This close to him I could appreciate just how lovely the green of his eyes was. In fact, despite continually making fun of him, I couldn't deny that the rest of him was pretty good-looking too. His fingers were warm on my wrist, and there was something kind of sexy about the way he held it. Thinking back to Deirdre's words, I tried to assess how it all made me feel. The queen's warnings aside, Adrian was a guy who was technically available. Was I attracted to him? Did I get a thrill out of this?
The answer: no. Not in the same way I did with Dimitri. Adrian was sexy in his way, but he didn't drive me wild the way Dimitri did. Was it because Adrian was so readily available? Was Deirdre right about me purposely wanting relationships that were impossible?
"You know," he said, interrupting my thoughts, "under any other circumstances, this would be hot. Instead, you're looking at me like I'm some kind of science fair project."
That was exactly how I was treating this, actually. "Why don't you ever use compulsion on me?" I asked. "And I don't mean just to stop me from getting in fights."
"Because half the fun of you is that you're so difficult."
A new idea occurred to me. "Do it."
"Do what?"
"Use compulsion on me."
"What?" It was another of those rare shocked Adrian moments.
"Use compulsion to make me want to kiss you - except you have to promise not to actually kiss me."
"That's pretty weird - and when I say something's weird, you know it's serious."
"Please."
He sighed and then focused his eyes right on me. It was like drowning, drowning in seas of green. There was nothing in the world except for those eyes.
"I want to kiss you, Rose," he said softly. "And I want you to want me too."
Every aspect of his body - his lips, his hands, his scent - suddenly overpowered me. I felt warm all over. I wanted him to kiss me with every ounce of my being. There was nothing in life I wanted more than that kiss. I tilted my face up toward his, and he leaned down. I could practically taste his lips.
"Do you want to?" he asked, voice still like velvet. "Do you want to kiss me?"
Did I ever. Everything around me had blurred. Only his lips were in focus.
"Yes," I said. His face moved closer, his mouth only a breath away from mine. We were so, so close, and then -
He stopped. "We're done," he said, stepping back.
I snapped out of it instantly. The dreamy haze was gone, as was the yearning in my body. But I'd discovered something. Under compulsion, I had definitely wanted him to kiss me. Yet even under compulsion, it hadn't been the electric, all-encompassing feeling I had when I was with Dimitri, that feeling that we were practically the same person and were bound by forces bigger than both of us. With Adrian, it had simply been mechanical.
Deirdre had been wrong. If my attraction to Dimitri was just some subconscious reaction, then it should have been as superficial as that forced attraction to Adrian. Yet they were completely different. With Dimitri, it was love - not just some trick my mind was playing on me.
"Hmm," I said.
"Hmm?" asked Adrian, eyeing me with amusement.
"Hmm."
The third "hmm" hadn't come from either of us. I looked across the hall and saw Christian watching us. I separated from Adrian, just as the bell rang. The sounds of students pouring out of classrooms rumbled through the hallway.
"Now I can see Lissa," said Adrian happily.
"Rose, will you come with me to the feeders?" asked Christian. He spoke in a flat tone, and his expression was unreadable.
"I'm not guarding you today."
"Yeah, well, I miss your charming company."
I told Adrian goodbye and cut through the cafeteria with Christian. "What's up?" I asked.
"You tell me," he said. "You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian."
"It was an experiment," I said. "It was part of my therapy."
"What the hell kind of therapy are you in?"
We reached the feeders' room. Somehow, despite him getting out of class early, there were still a few people ahead of us in line.
"Why do you care?" I asked him. "You should be happy. It means he isn't moving in on Lissa."
"He could be moving in on both of you."
"What are you, my big brother now?"
"Annoyed," he said. "That's what I am."
I looked beyond him and saw Jesse and Ralf enter. "Well, keep it to yourself, or our good friends will overhear."
Jesse, however, was too busy to hear, because he was arguing with the feeding coordinator. "I don't have time to wait," he told her. "I've got to be somewhere."
She pointed to us and the others in line. "These people are ahead of you."
Jesse met her eyes and smiled. "You can make an exception this time."
"Yeah, he's in a hurry," added Ralf in a voice I'd never heard him use before. It was smooth and less grating than usual. "Just write his name down at the top of the list."
The coordinator looked like she was going to tell them off, but then a funny, distracted look came over her face. She glanced at her clipboard and wrote something. A few seconds after she looked away, her head jerked up again, eyes sharp once more. She frowned.
"What was I doing?"
"You were signing me up," said Jesse. He pointed at the board. "See?"
She looked down, startled. "Why is your name first? Didn't you just get here?"
"We were here earlier and checked in. You told us it was okay."
She looked down again, clearly puzzled. She didn't remember them coming earlier - because they hadn't - but she apparently couldn't figure out why Jesse's name was at the top now. A moment later, she shrugged and must have decided it wasn't worth overthinking. "Stand with the others, and I'll call you next."
As soon as Jesse and Ralf came near us, I turned on them. "You just used compulsion on her," I hissed.
Jesse looked panicked for a fraction of a second; then his normal swagger took over. "Whatever. I just convinced her, that's all. What, are you going to try to tell on me or something?"
"Nothing to tell," scoffed Christian. "That was the worst compulsion I've ever seen."
"Like you've seen compulsion," said Ralf.
"Plenty," said Christian. "From people prettier than you. Of course, maybe that's part of why yours isn't as good."
Ralf seemed highly offended at not being considered pretty, but Jesse just nudged him and started to turn away. "Forget him. He had his chance."
"His chance at - " I remembered how Brandon had attempted weak compulsion when trying to convince me his bruises were nothing. Jill had said that Brett Ozera actually had convinced a teacher that his were nothing. The teacher had dropped the matter, much to Jill's surprise. Brett must have used compulsion. Lightbulbs went off in different parts of my brain. The connections were all around me. The problem was, I couldn't untangle the wires quite yet. "That's what this is about, isn't it? Your stupid Man? and its need to beat up on people. It's got something to do with compulsion...."
I didn't understand how it all fit together, but the surprised look on Jesse's face told me I was on to something, even though he said, "You don't know what you're talking about."
I pushed forward, hoping some blind hits would make him mad and say something he wasn't supposed to. "What's the point? Does it give you guys some kind of power trip to do these little tricks? That's all they are, you know. You seriously don't know the first thing about compulsion. I've seen compulsion that would make you do handstands and throw yourself out a window."
"We're learning more than you can even imagine," said Jesse. "And when I find out who told - "
He didn't get a chance to finish his threat because he was called over to the feeder just then. He and Ralf stalked away, and Christian immediately turned to me.
"What's going on? What's a Man??"
I gave him a hasty recap of Adrian's explanation. "That's what they wanted you to join. They must secretly be practicing compulsion. Adrian said these groups are always royals who have some plan to change and control things in dangerous times. They must think compulsion is the answer - it's what they meant when they told you they had ways to help you get what you wanted. If they knew how crappy your compulsion was, they probably wouldn't have asked."
He scowled, not liking me reminding him of the one time he'd attempted - and failed - to compel someone at the ski lodge. "So where's the beating-people-up part come in?"
"That's the mystery," I said. Christian was summoned over to feed just then, and I put my theories on hold until I could get more info and take action. I noticed which feeder we were being led to. "Is that Alice again? How do you always get her? Do you request her?"
"No, but I think some people specifically un-request her."
Alice was happy to see us, as always. "Rose. Are you still keeping us safe?"
"I will if they'll let me," I told her.
"Don't be too hasty," she warned. "Conserve your strength. If you're too eager to fight the undead, you may find yourselves joining them. Then you'd never see us again, and we'd be very sad."
"Yes," said Christian. "I'd cry into my pillow every night."
I resisted the urge to kick him. "Well, I couldn't visit if I was Strigoi, yeah, but hopefully I'd just die a normal death. Then I could come see you as a ghost."
How sad, I thought, that I was now making jokes about the very thing that was freaking me out lately. Alice found no amusement in it whatsoever. She shook her head.
"No, you wouldn't. The wards would keep you out."
"The wards only keep Strigoi out," I reminded her gently.
A defiant look replaced her scattered one. "The wards keep anything that isn't alive out. Dead or undead."
"Now you've done it," said Christian.
"The wards don't keep ghosts out," I said. "I've seen them."
Considering Alice's own instability, I didn't mind discussing mine with her. In fact, it was kind of refreshing to talk about this stuff with someone who wouldn't judge me. Indeed, she treated this as a perfectly normal conversation. "If you've seen ghosts, then we're not safe anymore."
"I told you last time, the security's too good."
"Maybe someone made a mistake," she argued, sounding remarkably coherent. "Maybe someone missed something. Wards are made of magic. Magic is alive. Ghosts can't cross them for the same reason as Strigoi. They aren't alive. If you saw a ghost, the wards have failed." She paused. "Or you're crazy."
Christian laughed out loud. "There you go, Rose. Straight from the source." I shot him a glare. He smiled at Alice. "In Rose's defense, though, I think she's right about the wards. The school checks them all the time. The only place guarded better than here is the Royal Court, and both places are overflowing with guardians. Stop being so paranoid." He fed, and I glanced away. I should have known better than to listen to Alice. She was hardly a reputable source of information, even if she'd been around for a while. And yet... her weird logic did make sense. If wards kept Strigoi out, why not ghosts? True, Strigoi were the dead who had come back to walk the earth, but her point was sound: All of them were dead. But Christian and I were right too: The wards around the school were solid. It took a lot of power to lay wards. Not every Moroi home could have them, but places like schools and the Royal Court had theirs maintained diligently. The Royal Court...
I'd had no ghostly encounters whatsoever while we there, yet that had been incredibly stressful. If my sightings were stress-induced, wouldn't the Court and encounters with Victor and the queen have provided great opportunities for them to occur? The fact that I'd seen nothing seemed to negate the PTSD theory. I hadn't seen ghosts until we'd landed at the Martinville airport.
Which didn't have wards.
I nearly gasped. The Court had strong wards. I'd seen no ghosts. The airport, which was part of the human world, had no wards. I'd been bombarded with ghosts there. I'd also seen flashes of them on the plane - which was unwarded when we were in the air.
I looked over at Alice and Christian. They were just about finished. Could she be right? Did wards keep out ghosts? And if so, what was going on with the school? If the wards were intact, I should see nothing - just like at Court. If the wards were broken, I should be overrun - just like at the airport. Instead, the Academy was somewhere in the middle. I had sightings only occasionally. It didn't make sense.
The only thing I knew for sure was that if something was wrong with the school's wards, then I wasn't the only one in danger.