"My father needs his diaper changed."
She didn't look up. "They all need their diaper changed." When Guilder didn't move, her eyes darted upward from the page. They were very dark, and heavily lined. "I'll tell someone."
"Please do."
At the door he stopped. The nurse had already resumed working on her puzzle.
"So tell someone, goddamnit."
"I said I'd get to it."
A fierce protective urge came over him. Guilder wanted to shove her pencil down her throat. "Pick up the f**king phone if you're not going to do it yourself."
With a huff she lifted the phone and dialed. "It's Mona at the front. Guilder in 126 needs changing. Yes, his son is here. Okay, I'll tell him." She hung up. "Happy?"
The question was so absurd he didn't know where to begin.
Guilder wouldn't die like his father-just the opposite. ALS: amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease. Major motor function would be the first to go, the muscles spasming and dimming into uselessness, followed by speech and the ability to swallow. The spontaneous laughing and crying were a mystery-nobody knew quite why this happened. Ultimately he would die on a respirator, his body utterly stilled, unable to move or speak. But worst of all was the fact that he would experience no diminishment of his ability to think or reason. Unlike his father, whose mind had failed first, Guilder would live every moment of his decline with full awareness. A living death, no one but some sulky nurse for company.
It was clear to him that in the aftermath of his diagnosis, he had gone through a period of profound shock. That was the explanation he gave himself for the foolish thing he'd done with Shawna-though, of course, that wasn't even her real name. For two years Guilder had been visiting her on the second Tuesday of each month, always at the apartment provided by her employers. She was dark-skinned and slim, with subtly Asiatic eyes, and young enough to be his daughter, though this was not the attraction-if anything, he would have preferred that she were older. He had originally found her through a service, but after a probationary period he had been permitted to call her directly. The first time, he had been as nervous as a college boy. It had been a while since he'd been with a woman, and he'd found himself worrying that he wouldn't measure up-in hindsight, a preposterous concern. But the girl had quickly put him at his ease, taking command of the occasion. Always the ritual was the same. Guilder would ring the bell outside; the buzzer would sound; he would mount the stairs to the apartment, where she would be waiting in the open door, wearing a welcoming smile and dressed in a black cocktail dress beneath which lay an erotic treasure of lace and silk. A few pleasantries, as might be exchanged by any two lovers meeting in the afternoon, followed by the unremarked-on placement of the envelope of cash on the dresser; then on to the thing itself. Always Guilder undressed first, then watched as she did so herself, allowing the cocktail dress to fall to the floor like a curtain before stepping regally away from it. She made love to him with an enthusiasm that seemed neither manufactured nor overly professional, and for those slender minutes, Guilder's mind found a serenity that nothing else in his life came close to matching. At the moment of his release, Shawna would say his name over and over, her voice losing itself in a wholly persuasive facsimile of womanly satisfaction, and Guilder would find himself floating on these sounds and sensations, riding them like a surfer onto a tranquil shore.
Why don't I see you more often? she would ask him after. Are you happy with the things I do? There isn't anybody else, is there? I want to be your only one, Guilder. Very happy, he would say, stroking her velvety hair. I couldn't be happier than I am with you.
He knew nothing about her at all-at least, nothing real. Yet in the weeks that followed his diagnosis, the only refuge his mind could take was in the absurd idea that he was in love with her. The memory embarrassed him now, and the psychological subtext was obvious-he didn't want to die alone-but at the time, he'd been utterly convinced. He was madly, hopelessly in love, and wasn't it possible, likely even, that Shawna shared his feelings? Was that what she meant when she said she wanted to be his only one? Because what they did and said to each other couldn't be false; those things occurred on a plane that only two people who were truly connected could share.
On and on like this, until he had worked himself into such a state that Shawna was all he thought about. He decided he would give her something-a symbol of his love. Something expensive and worthy of his feelings. Jewelry. It had to be jewelry. And not something new from a store, but something more personal: his mother's diamond bracelet. Energized by this decision, he wrapped the Tiffany box in silver paper and drove to Shawna's apartment. It wasn't Tuesday, but that didn't matter. What he felt wasn't anything a person could schedule. He rang the bell and waited. Minutes passed, which was strange; Shawna was always very prompt about the bell. He rang again. This time the speaker made a little burst of static and he heard her voice. "Hello?"
"It's Horace."
A pause. "I don't have you in the book. Do I? Maybe this is my fault. Did you call?"
"I have something for you."
The speaker seemed to go dead. Then: "Hang on a second."
A few minutes passed. Guilder heard footsteps descending the stairs. Perhaps the buzzer wasn't working; Shawna was coming down to open the door. But the figure that turned the corner wasn't Shawna. It was a man. He looked about sixty, bald and heavyset, with the piggish face of a Russian gangster, wearing a rumpled pin-striped suit, his necktie loosened. The implications were obvious, yet in its agitated state, Guilder's mind refused them. The man stepped through the door, giving Guilder a cursory glance as he passed.
"Lucky you," he said, and winked.
Guilder hurried up the stairs. He knocked three times, waiting with buoyant anxiety; at last the door swung open. Shawna wasn't wearing the dress, just a silk robe cinched at the waist. Her hair was disheveled, her makeup smeary. Perhaps he'd caught her taking a nap.
"Horace, what are you doing here?"
"I'm sorry," he said, suddenly breathless. "I know I should have called."
"To tell you the truth, it's not really the best time."
"I'll only be a minute. Please, can I come in?"
She eyed him skeptically, then seemed to soften. "Well, all right. It'll have to be quick, though."
She stood aside to let him enter. Something felt different about the apartment, though Guilder couldn't say exactly what. It seemed dirty, the air unpleasantly dense.
"Now, what's this I see?" She was eyeing the silver-papered box. "Horace, you shouldn't have."
Guilder held it out to her. "This is for you."
With a warm light dancing in her eyes, she undid the wrapping and removed the bracelet.
"Isn't that thoughtful. What a pretty thing."
"It's an heirloom. It belonged to my mother."
"That makes it even more special." She kissed him quickly on the cheek. "You give me a minute to clean up and I'll be right with you, baby."
A titanic wave of love broke over him. It was all he could do not to throw his arms around her and press his mouth to hers. "I want to make love to you. Real love."
She glanced at her watch. "Well, sure. If that's what you want. I don't have the full hour, though."
Guilder had begun to undress, madly unbuckling his belt, yanking off his wingtips. But something was wrong. He sensed her hesitation.
"Isn't there something you're forgetting?" she asked.
The money. That's what she was asking for. How could she think about money at a time like this? He wanted to tell her that what they shared couldn't be counted in dollars and cents, words along those lines, but all he managed to say was "I don't have it with me."
She frowned. "Honey, that's not how this works. You know that."
But by this time Guilder was so frantic he was barely processing any of it. He was also standing in front of her wearing only his boxers and undershirt, his pants bunched around his ankles.
"Are you all right? You don't look so good."
"I love you," he said.
She gave an airy smile. "That's sweet."
"I said, I love you."
"Okay, I can do that. That's no problem. Put the money on the dresser and I'll say anything you want."
"I don't have any money. I gave you the bracelet."
Suddenly there was no sign of warmth or even friendship in her eyes. "Horace, this is a cash business, you know that. I don't like the way you're talking."
"Please, let me make love to you." Guilder's pulse was throbbing in his ears. "You can sell the bracelet if you want. It's worth a lot of money."
"Baby, I don't think so." She held it out to him with unconcealed contempt. "I hate to break it to you, but this is glass. I don't know who sold it to you, but you should get your money back. Now go on, be sweet. You know the drill."
He had to make her understand how he felt. In desperation he reached for her, but his feet were still tangled up in his trouser legs. Shawna released a yelp; the next thing Guilder knew, he was sprawled on the floor. He raised his face to discover a pistol aimed at his head.
"Get the f**k out."
"Please," he moaned. His voice was thick with tears. "You said you wanted to be my only one."
"I say a lot of things. Now get out of here with your crappy goddamned bracelet."
He rose heavily to his feet. Never had he experienced such humiliation. And yet what he mostly felt was love. A helpless, melancholy love that would devour him whole.
"I'm dying."
"We're all dying, baby." She waved the pistol at the door. "Do like I say before I shoot your balls off."
He knew he could never face her again. How could he have been so stupid? He drove to his townhouse, pulled into the garage, shut off the engine, and sealed the door with the remote. He sat in his car for a full thirty minutes, unable to muster the energy to move. He was dying. He had made a fool of himself. He would never see Shawna again, because he meant nothing to her.
Which was when he realized why he was still sitting in the Camry. All he had to do was turn the engine back on. It would be like falling asleep. He'd never have to think about Shawna again, or Project NOAH, or live in the prison of his own failing body, or visit his father at the convalescent center-none of it. All his cares lifted, just like that. Following an impulse he could not explain, he removed his watch and took his wallet from his back pocket, placing them on the dashboard-as if he were getting ready for bed. Probably it was customary to write a note, but what would he say? Who would the note be for?
Three times he tried to make himself turn the key. Three times his resolve failed him. By then he had begun to feel silly, sitting in his car-one more humiliation. There was nothing left to do but put his watch back on and return his wallet to his pocket and go into the house.
As Guilder was driving home from McLean, his handheld buzzed. Nelson.
"They're on the move."
"Where?"
"Everywhere. Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska. A large group massing in western Kansas." He paused. "That's not why I called."
Guilder drove straight to the office. Nelson met him in the hallway. "We picked up the signal a little before sunset. Grabbed it off a tower west of Denver, a town called Silver Plume. It took some doing, but I was able to call in some favors at Homeland and reroute one of the drones to see if we could get a picture."
At his terminal he showed Guilder the photograph, a grainy black and white. Not the girl; it was a man. He was standing beside a pickup truck parked on the side of the highway. It looked like he was taking a leak.
"Who the hell is this? One of the docs?"
"It's one of Richards's guys."
Guilder was perplexed. "What are you talking about?"
For a moment, Nelson appeared faintly embarrassed. "Sorry, I thought you were in the loop on this. They're paroled sex offenders. One of Richards's little projects. For security reasons, all sixth-tier civilian personnel were harvested from the national registry."
"You're shitting me."
"I shit you not." Nelson tapped the image on the screen. "This guy? Our lone survivor of Project NOAH? He's a f**king pedophile."
Chapter 9
The pickup gave out late on the morning of Grey's second day on the road.
The hour was just shy of noon, the sun high in the sky. After a restless night in a Motel 6 near Leadville, Grey had picked up I-70 near Vail, then made his descent toward Denver. As far east as the town of Golden, the interstate corridor had been mostly clear, but as he moved into the city's outer suburban ring, with its huge shopping centers and sprawling subdivisions, things began to change. Portions of the highway were choked with abandoned cars, forcing him onto the access road; the vast parking lots lining the highway were scenes of frozen disorder, store windows smashed, merchandise strewn over the pavement. The stillness was different here, too-not a simple absence of sound but something deeper, more ominous. A lot of the bodies he saw were headless, like the suspendered man at the Red Roof. Grey guessed maybe Zero and the others liked to take the heads.
He did his best to keep his eyes on the road, forcing the carnage to the fringes of his vision. The weird, buzzing energy he'd felt at the Red Roof had not abated; his brain was humming like a plucked string. He hadn't slept in a day and a half, but he wasn't tired. Or hungry, which wasn't like him at all. Grey used to slam it down, but for some reason the thought of food wasn't remotely appealing. In Leadville he'd gotten a Baby Ruth from a vending machine in the lobby of the Motel 6, thinking he should try to put something in his stomach, but he couldn't get the damn thing past his nose. Just the odor of it made his insides clench. He could practically smell the preservatives in the thing, a nasty chemical stink, like industrial floor cleaner.