"Don't say that, Haven." Her word shot through me like a nasty arrow covered in hot lava.
"I wanted you. You had every opportunity when I wanted you, yet you didn't want me." She turned ever redder in the face, if at all possible, and glared though me. "It's too little, too late. You should have fought then."
I stood and spread my arms wide. My fingers splayed open. "What do you want from me, Haven? I'm trying to apologize and tell you I love you, yet you come at me guns hot, ripping me a new one without letting me get a word in edgeways!" I threw my arms up. "I mean, fuck!" My voice dropped in defeat. "I just need to explain."
She blinked twice, her stance still unyielding and her eyes filled with contempt and pain. She nodded for me to continue.
"I was afraid, Haven. I was terrified of losing everyone I'd ever loved." I told her earnestly.
Almost silently, she whispered, "Instead, you lost me."
"What do you mean I lost you?"
I looked back briefly over my shoulder, hoping she wasn't telling me what my heart was screaming. My posture resigned, I didn't know if I could stand to hear her answer.
"I've fallen in love with someone else, Jude. Someone kind, and tender. Someone who wants me as much as I want him." She closed her eyes. “Someone who deserves my love.”
She looked at my back; I could feel her stare hot on my neck. "He knows everything and loves me anyway. There is no fear, no hesitation." Her voice was soft, as if it pained her to tell me as much as it did me to hear it. "He doesn’t feel obligated to me, I’m not a problem he needs to solve. He's someone who deserves my love, Jude, and has shown me I deserve it, too."
I whirled to face her, my face showing every bit of pain she inflicted with her words. "What do you mean, he knows everything?" I bit the words out. "That was ours, Haven." I shook my head and walked out.
Everything that ever tied me to that beautiful woman, she'd given freely to someone else. I had no right to be mad about her telling anyone those secrets, but it still stung like a hot poker to the balls. Nothing we shared was just ours anymore. She'd let us go.
I'd lost her.
And in the process, I'd lost myself.
Haven
I sagged against the wall in exhaustion. Eyes closed, hot tears ran down into my still kiss-swollen lips. I licked them in reflex and felt my body respond.
Jude.
I could still taste him.
I dragged myself up quickly and grabbed a towel. I needed to erase any trace of him from me, from this place. I had new memories to look forward to, even if they were only for a limited amount of time.
I made my way back to my room. Jude's belongings still lingered in the bag by the closet. I grabbed the ties, cinched it tightly and carried it to the chute. "Goodbye, Jude," I whispered as I pushed the bag into the receptacle.
When I stepped back into my apartment and closed the door, I felt…empty. It was as if I just tossed a piece of my heart away in the garbage, and at the same time, I didn't want it back. It was the part that was broken, black and scarred with a past I'd rather forget all together, a man I'd like to forget too.
But I knew deep down there would always be a part of me that loved Jude. He would be forever my first love. He'd stay in the tiniest corner of my heart, eternally. For all he was and all we had.
He had saved me. He had hurt me. He had mended and then damaged my heart to what I thought was beyond repair. And I had done the same to him.
I pushed off the door and padded back to my room. There was stuff strewn everywhere from my cleaning spree. "Huh," I sighed. "You would never believe I did anything looking at this place." My lips curved up, but dropped just a quickly.
The picture of Jude and me stared at me like a Cyclops’ laser ray. I grabbed it from its imposing position on the floor and stuffed it into my bottom night table drawer.
I patted the other contents of drawer down so it would close again. It was apparent I had more than just my closet to clean out; there was shit everywhere. I guessed I’d clean my drawers out next.
I finished picking up my discarded clothes and other oddities, a sweat breaking on my brow. I had a hamper full of laundry, but I was in no mood to do a wash. I opted for a cool shower instead. I needed something to distract me from my swirling thoughts of black hearts, pain meds, and sweet nothings told by the wrong people.
Unsure how long I stood under the lukewarm spray of my massage showerhead, when I emerged from the bathroom in my fuzzy robe and slippers, I felt better. My phone dinged, bringing me out of my pity party, and I went to retrieve it from the counter. I had two messages. One from Dylan and one from an unknown number.
I opened Dylan's first. The other probably someone telling me I won some kind of cruise or shit.
Dylan: Want to see you again, sweetness. I just can't get enough. XO
I clutched my phone to my chest. I knew I needed to tell him what just happened. We made a promise to be honest, and I wasn't going to break it.
The blinking curser mocked me as I formulated my words, but nothing sounded right so I settled for:
When can I see you again?
I quickly opened the other text message.
UNKNOWN NUMBER: "You may want to get to the bar. Jude is trashed and talking shit.
Jimmy.
I saw it was a group text. It was also sent to my brothers.
Screw it. Let them handle it. Jude wasn't my responsibility anymore. I shook my head. In fact, he never really was. My phone buzzed again; it was Dylan texting me back already.