“What?”So much for not yelling.“Sexual addiction? What the fuck?”
The poor baby was trying so hard to have some faith in me. He had loved me just as long as I had loved him, and I could tell he was trying to grasp on to whatever might beleft. “The whole thing with Tyson was nothing. He means nothing to me. You’re the only man I have ever loved, and you’re the only man I will ever love. It’s just that—”
“Just that what?” I stood there trying to figure out a way to tell him I sought things from others he would never give to me sexually. “Just that what, Zoe?”
I couldn’t do it! I would have given anything for Marcella Spencer to be there. I would have given anything for my mother to be there. I would have given anything for Brina to be there. Anybody willing to hold me and tell me it would be all right.
“Jason, I love you, and you love me, and we’ll work this out. I promise!”
“Zoe, are you even hearing the shit you’re saying? That man barged into my office and told me you’ve been fucking him for months. What am I supposed to say now? Oh gee, it’s no big deal?”
Jason sounded so sarcastic, his words cut through my heart like a knife. “Not at all. It’s a big deal. It’s a very big deal, and I understand that. All I’m saying is don’t make a final decision to throw away everything we’ve built together until you hear me out.”
“YOU THREW IT AWAY!!!!!!!”For a second, I thought he was going to hit me. “You threw our marriage and our life away for a piece of dick! Not me!”
“That’s not the way it happened, Jason.”
“I’ve loved you all my life, Zoe. I’ve tried to give you everything you ever wanted, everything you ever asked for. I have never,evercheated on you. I’ve never even thought about it. Not once! Then you turn around and do this shit to me!”
“I know, Jason!”
“Do you have any idea how many women have tried to sleep with me? I have women trying to throw pussy atme every damn day, and I never cheated on you, because you were my life!”
“I’m still your life, and you’re mine! Don’t you see that? I just need to fix what’s wrong with me, and we can go back to the way things were!”
He shook his head. “You don’t even realize what you’ve done. You don’t realize the damage you’ve caused. We have three kids, Zoe. Three beautiful kids. Did they ever once cross your mind when you were out in the streets acting like a whore?”
“All the time, baby. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt them. I never meant to hurt anyone, but I couldn’t control it.”
People were walking past us in both directions the entire-time but we were lost in our own little world. “Jason, please. Let’s go someplace where we can be alone and talk.”
“I’m not sure I want to be alone with you! I’m not sure I want to be anywhere near you period!”
“Don’t say that, Jason! Please don’t do this to me!” I tried to touch him again.
“Don’t fuckin’ touch me!” I started crying after managing to keep my tears under control up until that point. “I never loved them, Jason! Never! They meant nothing to me!”
“They? They?”I started backing away from him. I’d messed up big-time and I knew it. “What the fuck do you mean bythey?”
“I can explain, Jason. Dr. Spencer will help me explain it to you. Let’s go see her, and she can help us get over this.”
“You’re nothing but a tramp, a bitch, and a whore just like that mutha fucka said! Pure evil!”
“Please don’t say that, Jason!”
He looked at me with pure disgust. “Why not? It’s alltrue, Zoe! It’s all true! You’re nothing but a manipulative, cheatin’, bitch-ass whore! That’s what you are, and that’s all you’re ever going to be!”
“Let’s go home, Boo. Let’s go home and play with our kids and get a good night’s sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning when we both calm down.”
“Hell no, I’m not going home with you! I’m not lying down with you! In fact, I’m going home alone, and if you try to show up there, I’ll make sure you regret it!”
“You’re not being rational. We have to go home at some point. What will my mother think if you go home without me?”
“She’s going to think the truth, because I’m going to
fuckin’ tell her! I’m going to tell her all about her baby girl, and how she’s nothing but a lyin’ whore!”
He started walking away from me, and when I tried to grab his shirt, he swung around and hit me in the face. I fell on the ground but was determined to hang onto him. I grabbed hold of his pants leg but he kept walking, dragging me along the concrete until I couldn’t hang on anymore.
“JASON, NOOO!!!!! I can’t live in a world without you!”
He looked down at me, and I will never forget his words. “That’s unfortunate, because as of this very moment, you’re dead to me! Fuckin’ dead! In fact, why don’t you do everyone involved a favor and just fuckin’ die!”
I got up from the concrete. He walked farther and farther away from me, and I realized he was right. I did deserve to die for what I did to him. “You want me to die, Jason?”
It was dark out, and the rush hour was over, so the speed of traffic had gotten back to normal. I repeatedmyself because I wanted him to see what I was about to do. I wanted him to see how much I truly loved him, how much he meant to me, and how my life meant nothing without him. “You want me to die, Jason?” He turned around and stared at me. “This one’s for you, Boo!”
With that, I walked out into the middle of traffic and waited. Cars starting slamming on their brakes. All I could see were blinding headlights. I heard Jason scream,“NOOOOO!”and saw him running toward me as fast as he could.He did love me! He did care!I was about to run into his arms when I saw the lights fast approaching out of the corner of my eye. The guy in the floral delivery van tried to stop and turned the wheel, but the truck skidded toward me sideways. I took one last look at Jason, who was less than five yards away and closing. I felt the impact, and then there was darkness.
chaptertwenty-six
The dripping sound from my IV was the first thing I heard when I woke up. My eyes adjusted to the fluorescent lighting in the ceiling of my hospital room. At first I thought I was paralyzed, because I couldn’t move my neck, but it moved a bit during my second attempt. I realized that it was just really stiff.
“Don’t try to move, Zoe. I’ll go get the doctor on call.” I recognized Marcella Spencer’s voice right off the bat, even though I couldn’t adjust my neck to see her. I heard her heels clicking against the floor when she rushed out into the hallway to find someone to check me out.
Before I knew it, I was getting poked and prodded all over my body. The nurse took my temperature and blood pressure while the doctor, who had to be the resident on call because he looked like a teenager, examined me with his stethoscope and checked my ears, nose, and eyes. When he got to my mouth, it was so dry and brittle I could barely open it. “Mrs. Reynard, that’s okay. I’llcheck your throat later. We’ve been feeding you intravenously for the past week, so a dry mouth is perfectly normal.”
As much as it hurt, I had to speak. “Week?”
“Yes, you’ve been here in the University Hospital since last Friday. The night of your accident. Do you remember anything that happened?”
I blinked my eyes because they were watery and glanced over at Marcella, who was sitting in a pleather chair designated for visitors. “I remember everything.”
The nurse returned with a small pitcher of water and a paper cup. I gulped the water down gratefully. The needle of the IV hurt my arm a little when I held the cup up to my mouth. The doctor was about to drill me with a bunch of questions. I immediately told him I was too tired and insisted on getting some rest. He agreed. “We’ll talk later. It’s the middle of the night, and it would probably be better if Dr. Ferguson, your regular physician, talked to you anyway. He’ll be here first thing in the morning.”
“Thanks.”
Everyone cleared out of the room except Marcella. “How did you know I was here?”
“Your husband called me the night of the accident and told me.”
I was extremely hoarse. “Jason called you?”
“Yes, he did. He told me about what happened and how you discussed the fact you had been seeing me with him.” She moved the chair closer to the bed. “I must admit I was surprised you told him about the therapy. You seemed so ashamed about having to seek help for your addiction. I was even more shocked you would walk out in the middle of traffic and try to kill yourself.”