Leave Me My Happy Fantasy, That's All I Ask
I hesitated with my hand on the door handle, a hard ball forming in my stomach. Yesterday's session had been horrible - emotional and draining. I didn't want a repeat of that day. I didn't want to confess any more of my secrets to the person on the other side of this door. Of course, I did still have a couple more weeks left of sessions and if I ever wanted back into the purity club with Sawyer, I had to do this. As my hand slowly twisted the handle, I wondered if that was even the reason I still kept coming here day after day.
I opened the door and stepped through, the familiar jazz music coming to my ears. Mrs. Ryans sat at her desk, her hands resting comfortably in her lap, waiting for me. Her springy hair was swept up in a clip and only a few loose curls brushed her shoulders. Her ice blue eyes warmed at seeing me and she motioned to the chair on the other side of the L-shaped desk that made up her work space.
I glanced at the computer behind her as I sat down, watching her screen saver of colorful lines twisting and bending in on themselves; a constant progression of being turned inside out. It reminded me of how I felt coming here, like every session was turning some piece of me inside out, and eventually I'd just be a messy pile of goo on the carpet.
"Hello, Lucas."
Her warm, low voice brought me back to the moment and I pulled my eyes away from her computer to meet her gaze. I swallowed a sudden bundle of nerves and nodded my greeting back to her. She looked over my face, and maybe seeing the tension there, frowned slightly. Almost immediately the frown vanished and she started in on the easy to answer questions, loosening me up.
When I felt more at ease, she skillfully started turning the conversation to harder questions, questions I didn't want to answer. "How have you been feeling lately?"
I shrugged. "As well as I usually do, I guess." She raised her eyebrows at me and nodded, encouraging me to expand on that. I shook my head and found a smile creeping onto my face, remembering my dream last night of Lillian. "I actually woke up happy today...really happy." I didn't mention that school had sort of ruined my buzz; just being truly, purely happy at least once today, was pretty impressive for me.
She must have thought so as well. "That's great, Lucas." Her face brightened as she said that and I could tell she really meant it. "Was that because you dreamed of Lillian last night?"
The smile immediately fell off my face. I felt that knot return and I shook my head no. I'd let too much of that slip, I couldn't risk anymore coming out. She frowned as she looked over my response. "Really? You didn't talk to her last night? To tell her about your day maybe?"
I swallowed. That was exactly what had happened last night. We'd talked while we'd danced. I'd told her everything that had happened to me since our last meeting. I'd told her everything in my heart, things I'd never tell a living person. My hopes, my desires...all the things I wanted for her and me. She'd listened and smiled, only a trace of sadness in her features when I talked about what life could be like for the two of us - together forever in my head.
I shook my head again and Mrs. Ryans compressed her lips briefly. Looking down at her desk, she twisted a pencil in her hands. After a moment, she looked back up at me. Not able to take her gaze, I looked away. "Luc, I'd really like to help you. You can talk to me about her...it's okay."
Quietly, I said, "There's nothing to tell. I...I didn't see her." I swallowed again and risked a glance back at her. She didn't appear to be buying my lie. Feeling a need to turn the conversation, I told her, "I asked Sawyer to the dance."
She blinked at me and then a huge grin lit her face. "That's wonderful, Lucas. Truly, wonderful. I think you guys will have a great time."
I smiled and relaxed back in my seat. "Yeah, maybe." A huge grin plastered my face. "Sawyer is so excited to go. I'm still not sure about the whole thing, but the look on her face when I asked her..." I laughed and slowly shook my head, looking at my lap. "Whatever happens there will be worth it, after seeing that look."
I raised my eyes to hers; she was still smiling warmly at me. "I never would have thought a stupid dance would be so important to her, but you should see her...she glows." A soft chuckle escaped me as I thought about her delight when we'd discussed flower choices. She'd settled on a corsage of daises, of all things.
A soft chuckle escaped her as she looked over my face. "Well, most girls do like dances. I'm sure you and Lillian went to a few?" I absentmindedly nodded, still thinking about the way Sawyer's eyes had lit up when she mentioned swinging by the diner so my mom could see us all decked out.
I heard her ask her next question and found myself answering it instinctively. "I didn't know I'd be going along with your crazy plan when she came to me last night, but, no, Lillian will be fine with it. She wants me to be with Sawyer..." I froze as what she'd asked finally filtered into my head. She'd asked if Lillian had had a problem with me going to a dance with another girl. I'd been thinking about other things and had answered reflexively. She'd just set a word trap for me and like an idiot, I'd fallen right into it. She'd completely caught my lie.
"So you did see Lillian last night." She kept her face and voice neutral, but I thought I could hear concern in it.
I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about her. She's not a part of this...of me being high at school, which is why I'm here." My tone was insistent and desperate. I wanted to stop all these side conversations we'd been having. None of them had anything to do with Josh slipping me drugs.
She shook her head at me. "Lucas," she said softly. "I told you before, that is what you did to get here...it's not why you're here."
My face hardened. "Yes, it is. The only reason I'm here, is to complete my sentence so I can get back into the club. I'm only here because I was drugged and got busted."
She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "And why do you want back in the club?"
I frowned. "Because...I...I want to...help out...the school."
She raised an eyebrow at me, once again catching my lie. "You have shown no interest in being a part of this school, of being a part of this community even. Why do you really want back in?"
I sighed, knowing I needed to fess up. "To be with Sawyer."
I shrugged and she nodded, like she knew that. "But...you don't want to be with her. " I shook my head, about to argue and she quickly amended. "As more than a friend. You want to maintain that distance because of Lillian. Because in your mind, you're still with her. Because your guilt and shame and...need, won't let you release your friends. You're holding on so tight...you're drowning. You speak to no one. You barely look at anyone. You disassociate from everything. Someone drugged you...and you've done nothing. Your body is still in this world...but you're slowly leaving it. Do you see how it's connected? Do you see why you're really here?"
My face pale, I muttered, "No, why?"
She laid a hand on my arm and sighed. "A part of you wants to reconnect, Lucas. A part of you wants to be with Sawyer. A part of you wants to belong to this world. A part of you wants to live, Lucas. You just have to be willing to let that part out."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing. I did nothing. I stared over her shoulder at her computer and watched the twisting lines again. I felt my stomach clench in icy familiarity and I focused on keeping my breaths natural and even. I heard her sigh at my reaction. I wasn't sure what she wanted from me, but I had nothing left to give her today. She seemed to understand that, and the remainder of our session was a quiet one, with her talking and me listening, nodding occasionally and muttering one word answers when it was appropriate.
When our time was up, she walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "I know your required time here is almost up, but I'd really like to keep seeing you." She smiled encouragingly while my heart dropped. "I'd like to help, Lucas."
I stood up, saying nothing, but thinking, 'not a snowball's chance'.
I left the room and went to go find Sawyer. Purity club was having an "event" day, meaning they were stalking other clubs and sports practices to recruit more members. It was almost like some odd cult, led by Ms. Reynolds. It was working though; the club had tripled in size since Sawyer and I had joined at the beginning of school.
I found them loitering around the basketball team in the gym. They were passing out t-shirts to the players, and being ridiculed by said players behind their backs. But, not by all of them though. Some had thoughtful expressions and kept the shirts, slinging them over their shoulder or quickly stuffing them in their gym bag. Some of those people cast quick glances at me when they did that and I wondered if I was a walking advertisement to join the club. 'Don't let this happen to you'.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. I spotted Sawyer mid-eye roll up in the bleachers, talking with Sally again. Sally was short and wide, with frizzy hair in a nondescript brown color. Her style was kind of granola, like she probably was also in the Save the Earth club. But she had one of the nicest smiles I'd seen in awhile. I'd known her for a long time, but never really known her. She was currently making Sawyer laugh though, so I instantly liked her.
I made my way over as members of the club started to say goodbye and leave the gym. Sawyer spotted me and grinned, waving me over. I hesitantly walked up to her, not sure if my being here was me technically participating in a club activity or not. I wasn't welcome to join, but I wasn't sure if I was "banned" either. Sally only gave me a soft smile when I stepped up to them though. I saw the tightness in the smile and thought she probably didn't approve of me hanging around, but was nice enough to not say anything directly to me.
I looked away and muttered, "Ready, Sawyer?"
I heard her stand and cheerily say goodbye to Sally. She was still buzzing about the dance and they'd apparently been talking about it. As she hopped off the bleachers, I glanced back at Sally. She nodded politely at me, but had on odd look on her face - almost compassionate and disapproving. Like she understood how hard things were for me, but still didn't like me or what I'd done. I could understand that.
As Sawyer and I walked away, I shook my head and sighed. She asked if I was alright and instead of my usual answer of fine, I told her that Sally didn't like me.
She shook her head. "No, she does."
I gave her a blank look. "She said that."
She frowned and her eyes shifted to the corners as she ran through past conversations in her head. "Well, no, not outright." She looked back to me. "She's never said anything bad about you though."
I smirked that in her logic, not saying anything mean was akin to being liked. "That's because she likes you, Sawyer." Pointedly I said, "Believe me, she doesn't trust me and she doesn't like me. If you told her you were going with someone else to the dance, you'd see it. She'd probably do cartwheels."
She sighed as she opened the gym door. "Not everyone's against you, Luc."
I sighed as I followed her out. "So you keep telling me..."
I was anxious to go to bed after Sawyer left for the night. I desperately wanted to see Lil. Wishing for bedtime made the evening go by exceedingly slow. Especially since Mom was working and I had no one to help me pass the time. I ended up crawling into bed at six and staring at my ceiling, willing sleep to claim me. When it didn't, I considered popping an Ambien...but, remembering my promise to Sawyer and her face when we'd talked about it, I didn't.
Eventually my body did succumb to slumber and I drifted away to unconsciousness. I floated in a hazy realm, not really knowing where I was or when I was or even what I was. Then my world seemed to solidify and I had the distinct feeling of cool air brushing across my cheek, followed by the sound of gravel crunching under my shoes. I smelled crisp, clean air and heard a train rumbling in the distance. I smiled as I realized where I was.
I turned and behind me was a rundown looking split-level home with a large rectangular paved driveway, a basketball hoop prominently hanging over the garage. The house had seen better days, but busy parents with two rambunctious boys had made home repairs fall by the wayside. Two rambunctious boys...and me, I suppose, since I was as much a part of this household as the actual sons, Darren and Josh.
I looked over the house, reminiscing. I hadn't been to the home in real life since the accident. Darren's family still lived there, I just wasn't welcome anymore. Looking at the picture perfect memory I'd created, I smiled as I took in the second story window with a shutter missing. Josh had tried sneaking out one night and stumbling, pulled off the decorative wood as they both tumbled to the ground. They'd never repaired the window, using the money to repair Josh's arm instead. I moved my eyes over to the gutter, half pulled away from the home by Darren. He'd been convinced he was Spiderman when he was eight, and had tried climbing up the house to prove it to me, since I'd said he was full of crap. He'd realized he wasn't, the minute the gutter gave way under his weight and he'd fallen heavily to the ground, twisting his ankle.
I took in the other features I knew so well, as well as my own home. The worn spot on the first floor roof that we'd created from years of us jumping from that point into their collapsible pool. The dent in the garage door where Darren had accidently backed his Geo into it. The long scratch along the side of the house that Darren and Josh had made when they'd tried to haul a full size ping-pong table down the narrow rosebush-lined path that led to the front door. The only thing they'd successfully done that day was scratch the home and trample some of their mom's beloved flowers.
No one in the house had been happy that night. Still, I'm sure Darren's mom would take a thousand of those nights over the one night I had given her months ago. A long sigh came out of me as I thought about the last time I saw her. It was at Darren's funeral. She wouldn't even look at me. I couldn't bring myself to talk to her, her or Darren's dad. I'd watched them from the back of the ceremony, wondering how much they hated me. I didn't see how they could feel anything less than loathing for me.
It had certainly been that way for Lil and Sammy's parents. Sammy's mom had slapped me at her funeral. My mom had nearly slapped the woman back, but she'd broken down into sobs and had to be carted off by Sammy's older brothers. The entire family had left town not long after.
Lil's parents had also moved, gone back to where they had originally moved out here from. Her parents had been more reserved around me, not seeming to hold any anger, just regret. They'd regretted bringing her out here in the first place. They'd regretted fostering our relationship. And they'd regretted trusting me. The last thing her father had said to me was, "How could you not be more careful."
Since I asked myself that same thing every day, I could only hang my head at him and say, "I don't know." Her parents had left with her baby sister not long after. The only ones left were Josh and his mom and dad. I didn't see the latter two people; we all avoided anything that might bring us into contact with each other. As for Josh...well, him I couldn't avoid until I graduated.
A voice in front of me snapped me out of my melancholy. "Catch."
Instinctively I looked up, right as a basketball headed for my chest. I caught it, my head snapping to Darren in front of me, laughing. I laughed as well and bounced the ball a couple times. He squatted to defend the basket behind him and I crouched down as well, moving the ball from one side of me to the other.
"Hey, Darren, good to see you."
He shifted from one foot to the other, watching my movements. "Yeah, well, I get bored just hanging out with two girls all the time...thought I'd surprise you."
I chuckled at the thought of him, Sammy and Lillian all hanging around some ethereal place, waiting for a doorway to my dreams to open. A part of me knew that wasn't how it worked, that they weren't real people, waiting around for me, but it eased my heart to think of them that way, to think of them with full and complete lives, even when I wasn't around. Much like Sawyer, as I'd fully realized today.
He grinned and I suddenly moved with the ball, twirling around him when he got close to me. Coach was right though, Darren had good hands. He snaked out and tore the ball away from me, twisting and shooting before I had barely even registered that the ball was gone. It swished through the hoop and he pumped a fist in the air.
He pointed over to me as he went to grab the ball that was starting to bounce over into the grass. "You still suck, Lucas." He laughed as he reached down to pick the ball up. "You'd think you'd make yourself better in your dreams."
I exhaled slowly as I took his place, crouching in front of the basket. "I'm all about realism," I muttered sullenly.
He dribbled the ball and cocked his head at me. "Is that why you and Lil still haven't done it?"
I straightened at his comment and he darted past me, scoring another basket. He laughed as he scooped up the ball and tossed it to my still standing in the same spot body. I caught it and gave him a glare. "We're going to, Darren...soon."
I dribbled the ball and changed places with him. He crouched down, ready for me and I immediately tried to fake him out and get around him. Didn't work. He anticipated the move and ducked under my hand to catch the dribble before I could. Deftly he twisted and backhanded the ball into the basket. Show off.
I scooped it up as he laughed at me again. "You'll never score, Luc." Knowing he meant that in more ways than one, I forcefully chucked the ball at him. He grunted when he caught it. "Hey," he muttered.
I stood under the basket with my arms out. "What's really on your mind, Darren?"
He idly bounced the ball as he stared at me. Finally, he sighed and shrugged. "I just think it's stupid, Luc." I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back, waiting for him to explain that. He sighed again and held the ball under his arm. "You held off having sex with Lil in real life, but you're trying to get her to go all the way with you in your dreams? You're demented man."
I glowered at him as irritation sparked in me. Why did he always have to go there? "Thanks." My tone was flat, not amused in the slightest. Sniffing, I raised my chin and added, "Why shouldn't we? As you always say - it's just sex. Why make such a big deal out of it?"
He looked at me incredulously, like I'd just asked him the most outrageous thing he'd ever heard. "Uh, because she's dead. Because we're not talking about you guys holding off at junior prom because she thought it was too cliche. She's a corpse, dude."
I blanched at his harsh choice of words. "So are you."
One edge of his lip twisted into a wry grin as he brought a hand to his chest. "Yeah, but we're only talking. We're not screwing."
I looked away from him, wishing he would drop this and just hang out with me, just be the best friend I needed him to be. My real life was hard enough. I didn't need that filtering into my dreams too. "I want to, Darren." Quieter I added, "I always wanted to."
I felt him come up to me and put a hand on my shoulder. Reluctantly, I looked back at him. His face was firm, but deeply sympathetic. "But you didn't, Luc. You guys decided to wait...and you ran out of time." He shook his head, a sad smile playing on his lips. "You have to let that go."
I shook my head, my brows furrowing. "No, I can't... I don't..." I shut my mouth and paused, collecting myself. "This way I can be with her. We can pick up right where we left off. It will be like nothing bad ever happened." I knew my eyes and voice were pleading with him, and I wasn't sure why I needed his support on this so badly. Maybe I was just tired of being chastised by people on the subject.
He sighed and dropped the ball on the ground. It bounced just once and then ominously stuck to the ground with a dull thud. Darren ran his hands through his hair and grunted irritably. He flung his hands out to his sides as he spoke. "Bad things did happen, Lucas. And you can't just wish them away." He waved his arms around him, indicating his house and the driveway. "Dude, all of this is just in your head. If you have sex with her, it will just be in your head!" He gave me a pointed look and poked a finger in my chest. "You'll just wake up all alone in your bed, with wet sheets, wishing you had something more."
I stepped back and lightly pushed his shoulders away from me. I felt my jaw tighten as I answered him. He was hitting too close to home, and fear started to mix with my irritation. "So...it will feel real during."
His face remained sympathetic, but his tone betrayed his own rising temper. "But, Luc...it's not. She's dead, man...let her go, let us all go." He stepped forward and put his hands on my shoulders, shaking me lightly, like he wanted to shake some sense into me. "You're going to die a virgin because you can't let her go. Wet dreams will be the extent of your relationships, and that's not fair to the real people who love you. And she does, you know. And you do too."
I smacked his arms away and raised mine up in the air. "What the hell are you talking about?"
He ran a hand through his hair. "God, I never realized what a fucking moron you are." He shoved my shoulder again. "Sawyer, idiot. You want to be with Sawyer. You know that...right?"
I bristled, suddenly furious that everyone was trying to tell me how I felt. That everyone was after me for wanting to be with my girlfriend. What was so wrong about wanting to be loyal to my girlfriend? Couldn't people just leave me to my fantasy life? Couldn't my fantasy life leave me to my fantasy life? I stepped back and made to move around him. "Why can't we just get together and hang out like we used to, Darren? Why do you always have to get after me?"
His hands reached out to stop me and I turned to face him. I thought his eyes were misted over, but I couldn't really tell through my own angry fog. "Because I'm your best friend. And sometimes that means I have to tell you things you don't want to hear."
I shook my head, my anger fading as sadness filled me. "Your brother, your whole family, the school, god, the whole town...nothing there is easy for me. I just need you to accept that this is how I want things...and be my friend. I need this, Darren. I need you guys."
His eyes definitely misted. "I know, Luc. And if I thought it would help you, I wouldn't say anything. But, you're scaring me. You're scaring all of us. You lived, Luc... " he clutched my shoulders, a tear dropping to his cheek, "...so live."
The icy fear I'd felt before returned, and I suddenly didn't want to be there anymore. I backed away from him, feeling more like I was at a counseling session, backing away from Mrs. Ryans, than backing away from my best friend. As much as I tried to recreate my old life, I suddenly felt like I hadn't recreated it at all. "I've gotta wake up now, Darren. I'll see you around."
His face pleaded at me as another tear dropped to his cheek. "Wait...Luc..."
My eyes opened and I stared at my ceiling, still seeing Darren's stricken face. I closed my eyes and felt the tears well, but I forced them back and made myself get up. It was still late at night, not as much time had gone by as it had seemed. I stood and ran a hand down my face, wanting that dream to fade out of my memory. I'd gotten too used to retaining them though. It was such a habit in me, pulling in every moment of the dreams so that I wouldn't forget them, that I couldn't stop myself from doing it now. The conversation was embedded in me, like it or not.
I stood and made my way to my door, wanting some water. I stopped when my eye caught the picture I always had tucked in my mirror. I stared at Darren's face in it and wondered if my dream version of him was as close to the real Darren as I thought it was. Unfortunately, I had nothing to compare it to. Darren and I had never had a conversation about sleeping with a dead girl in real life. In fact, the only conversations we'd had about sex, were him usually teasing me for my lack of it. He'd never understood why we'd let opportunity after opportunity pass us by, time and time again. Sometimes I didn't either, but we'd thought we'd had more time. We'd thought we'd had all the time in the world. We were so wrong.
I tore my eyes away from the picture and made my way out to the hallway, needing that water now. I stopped just outside my door and paused, every fiber of me shooting with anticipatory energy. I heard a voice coming from the kitchen. Immediately, I looked back at my mom's door. It was late, or early depending on your definition, and Mom should be home from the diner. Her door was closed and her light was off. I couldn't tell if she was in there or not.
I turned back to the hallway and listened harder as I lightly crept along the wall. I didn't know who was in our house, or whether or not they meant us any harm, all I knew for sure, was the voice was deep - a man's voice, and oddly...familiar.
I paused in the living room where I could hear better, my entire body tense. A softer voice answered the man's and I recognized it as my mother's. I relaxed as I realized she was talking to someone she knew. That probably meant the person wasn't going to attack us. Curiosity propelled me forward though. Who was she talking to at this hour?
The voices were too low to make out the words, but the tone was a soft and relaxed one and occasionally a soft, feminine laugh echoed back to me. The overall vibe I sensed was that she was having a friendly conversation. I inched even closer, hating that I was kind of spying on her, but not able to stand not knowing. I had a sudden respect for cats and their dreaded sense of curiosity.
Just when I thought I heard the man say something with my name in it, followed by a long sigh and an, "I don't know" from my mom, I clumsily bumped against the end table next to the couch, knocking over a picture frame on top of it. I immediately righted it, but by the silence in the kitchen, I knew they'd heard that. Feeling guilty and stupid, I darted back to my room.
Leaning against my door, I heard the front door open and close. I exhaled softly and leaned my head back against the wood, wondering what that had been about. I could hear my mom coming up the hall and I froze, careful to not make a sound, so she'd think I was still sleeping. Her shuffling feet paused at my door and I felt her lean close to it.
"Luc? Are you awake?" she asked softly. I stifled a sigh, torn by wanting to lie with silence, and wanting to be honest and confess. "Lucas?" she said again.
I did let out a sigh this time and turning, opened the door. I kept enough from my mom already; I really couldn't handle keeping anymore. "Yeah, I'm awake," I muttered, as I guiltily looked down at my feet.
"Is everything okay?" she asked and I looked back up at her. She was still wearing her diner's uniform and her hair was still pulled back into a falling apart ponytail. She looked tired and worn, but a faint trace of happiness was around her too. Nothing obvious, just a crinkle in the lines around her eyes, a slight lifting of her lip, even as her brow bunched together in concern, probably nothing no one but me would even notice.
Her identical eyes flicked over my face and I quickly answered her. "I'm fine...just couldn't sleep." She nodded and brought a hand up to my cheek. She was about to speak when I interrupted her, "Was someone here? I thought I heard a guy's voice." I blushed a bit, at admitting that I'd been listening, but again, curiosity.
Her face paled and she dropped her hand from my cheek. She opened her mouth a couple times before answering me. "Uh, oh...that was..." Her eyes went over my face faster, and if I didn't know any better, I'd swear she was searching for a lie. "Um, Jake...from the diner." Her face relaxed and she casually tossed a hand in the air. "I had trouble starting my car and he followed me home, just to make sure I was safe." She smiled and patted my shoulder. "I offered him a cup of coffee before he drove home. I'm sorry if we woke you."
I frowned as I looked over her face. That seemed genuine enough. I'd met Jake a few times. He was a cook there and always went out of his way to help anybody who needed it. Him trailing my mom home, just to make sure she made it back safely, was exactly something he would do. But still, something about the set of her jaw and the glint in her eye was screaming at me - 'don't ask anymore, just believe me'.
I sighed, thinking my dream had just thrown my senses out of whack. My mom wouldn't lie about something like that. She may try and hide how difficult her life was from me, but she would never flat out lie. Not to me.
Guilt washed through me that I couldn't be more honest with her. I leaned forward and pulled her in for a hug. "You didn't, Mom." I sighed again. "Sorry to spy on you...I just didn't know who was here." I tightened the hug and whispered into her hair, "It's my job to keep you safe, right?"
She returned my hug and then pulled away. She brought her hand up to my cheek again and shook her head. "No, it's my job to keep you safe. No matter how old you get...you'll still be my child, and I would do anything for you." She leaned into me, her face suddenly intense. "You know that, right?"
I blinked at her expression and nodded. "Yeah, I know, Mom."
She nodded and relaxed, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "Try to go back to sleep, Lucas. You need your rest."
I watched her head down the hall to her room and then turned and closed my door. I had no idea if I wanted to go back to sleep again or not. I didn't want to fight again with Darren. I hated that. Our time together was a precious thing to me and I hated to waste it, spatting like catty girls. I shook my head and sighed. Well, even picking a fight with Darren was preferable to the numbness of my everyday existence. I'd take the chance in the same way I took a chance every time I closed my eyes.
There was always a risk when I dreamed, always a possibility that a pleasant one could morph into a nightmare. Like the one I'd had that had driven me to a regretfully passionate moment with Sawyer. A moment that still plagued me, both by how fond the memory was, and how horrid the memory was. I hated hurting or confusing Sawyer. She was my best "living" friend.
With what felt like the hundredth sigh tonight, I crawled back into my bed and laid my head back on my arms. I stared at the familiar cracks and fault lines in the plaster. Lines I couldn't really see in the dark room, but knew were there. Spacing out as I mentally traced the lines, I heard a voice beside me quietly say, "You really should fix those one day, Lucas."
Smiling widely, I turned my head. "Hey, Barbie."
Lillian's pale eyes, gray in the darkness of my room, seemed to glow at me with life. She lightly smacked my arm. "Don't call me that."
I grinned and leaned in to kiss her. "How about...I love you instead."
I pulled back to stare at her and she bit her lip before shaking her head and sighing, "I love you too."
She leaned into me, wrapping her hands into my hair and pulling me on top of her. My hands wrapped around her trim waist and ran up her spine. A shiver ran through me as our suddenly bare bodies pressed together, and with a deep moan, I lost myself in the depth of her sweet kiss.