He squeezes my hands, "You okay?"
I sigh, "I'm just bummed. I wanted to be better."
He sits back, "Em…" He winces and pauses, "Sarah. Sorry. You need to give things time. It's been a couple weeks since school started again. You spent the winter break in therapy. I'm pretty sure you are doing amazingly compared to other people in your situation. I mean come on. Give yourself a break. You've just remembered things most people haven't seen in a horror movie."
I stand up. The bill isn’t there but I can't stay. "I need to wait outside." I grab my jacket and walk out.
My heart is racing. My tongue is numb. I grip my cell phone. When I burst through the front door of the restaurant, before the valet can even get the door, I'm huffing in air. My hand is shaking. I hate the way he makes me feel. I pull my phone out.
I smile when I see the ten 'Hi' messages and text, 'I need you' and walk to the awning. I stand there and take deep breaths.
My phone vibrates, I smile when I see it. 'I need you too'
Sebastian walks out doing up his pea coat, "You okay?"
I shake my head, "I don’t think I can do this." I point between us. "I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I just can't do this. I'm never going to be this girl."
I hear the car. I look back. Stuart has the SUV parked across the street illegally. His favorite way to park.
I step in and kiss Sebatsian's cheek. I savor the smell of him for a moment, "Goodnight." I turn and leave before he can say anything. I jump into the SUV and bury my face in my hands. I'm not crying. I'm terrified. I don’t know of what.
Stuart drives. He knows not to talk. He's seen worse than this.
The SUV stops outside Eli's building. I look up, "He asked you to bring me here?"
He shakes his head, "He said you needed to be picked up."
"You brought me here?"
He climbs out and opens the door, "I did. You don’t look like you can do Michelle or alone. I know what that feels like. When I met Eli I was boxing for real. For money to pay for drugs." He grabs my hand and squeezes, "I get it."
"Thanks Stuart."
"Nothing to thank me for. I'll wait here if you want."
I look down and blush, "Naw, you go home. Or my place or wherever the hell you two go."
"She isn’t talking to me."
I grimace, "She's Italian. You gotta go for the grand gesture. Huge." I turn and run across the street and through the open door.
"Good evening Miss."
I nod at the valet and run to the elevator.
"Uhm Miss." I look at the front desk guy. He blushes and shakes his head, "Never mind."
My cheeks flush. I press the button and step inside. When the doors close I grin, like a fool. My heart is racing. I'm thinking about a million things and really it's only one thing.
I can barely swallow. The door dings. I jump when the doors open, he's standing there. His face is dark. His eyes are dark. He grabs my hand and pulls me off the elevator. He doesn’t kiss me. He drags me through the dark apartment.
My boots thump along as we almost run through the apartment.
He opens a metal door and flings me inside. Candles are lit. But in the darkness I can see what it is. My skin shivers as I look around. It's a warm room with a fireplace flickering light off of the paddles along the wall. The bed is huge, four posts of dark, thick wood with a railing like it should be a canopy but he doesn’t have one there. A strap hangs off one of the posts. He flicks my chin, "You need to see this. You need to know. This is what I need you for." He closes the door. The hollow sound of it clicking makes me jerk around. The firelight licks his face. I see him the way I imagined he would be when he was just a benefactor.
"You don’t scare me." I whisper but I know I can't hide the horror on my face. It takes a second for the shock to sink in. I tremble seeing the paddles. I wonder if any of them are the one he hit me with. My feet cramp up.
He takes a step towards me.
His voice is gruff and cruel. He spits when he talks and points around the dark room, "You texted me, Sarah. You needed me. This is me. This is what I have to offer. I don’t have anything else to give you."
My fingers are unsteady when I lift them to the zipper on my coat and pull down slowly, watching his gaze. I let it slip off my shoulders, challenging him with my gaze. I'm terrified and excited. It's the first time I've felt anything since the last time he touched me. He steps back and sits in the chair in the corner. His grin is smug and cocky. He sits with his legs spread, like before.
"Undress." He watches me.
I take a deep breath and pull my shirt off, dropping it to the floor next to my jacket. I slip off my boots. He licks his lips. I'm wearing the bandeau, which I've grown fond of. His eyes are burning. I hold his gaze when I unzip my pants and wiggle my way out of them. I'm standing in my bandeau and panties.
I shiver, and not from the cold. The crackle of the fire and my racing heart fill the air.
"Go to the bed."
I turn my back on him and walk to the bed slowly. I don’t know what to expect. I put my hands on the bed. Before I get a chance to crawl up on it, his body is against mine. He's got me pinned with his arms around me. He grabs my hands and lifts them up in the air. I grip the railing on the top of the bed.
"Don’t move those hands," he whispers into my nape. I nod and lick my lips. I'm on my tiptoes. My breath is catching and coming out spurts of rough air. His hands run down my arms. I shiver and pant. His lips brush the back of my neck. He sweeps my hair to one side, kissing down my shoulder blade. Heat and nerves battle low in my belly as his hands grip my hips, pulling me back to him.
"Don't let go of that railing, Sarah." His words are growled between kisses and licks. I hear the menacing threat in them.
I wince when he nibbles my back. His hands are rubbing and lightly pinching my stomach. He doesn’t touch anything I want him to. His lips reach my panties. His fingers trace the fabric along my butt. It tickles and makes me squirm but I don’t move my hands. He is the man from the room, with the paddle and the cocky smile that felt no remorse. I fear him in a way that excites me.
His fingers dip into my underwear, trailing their way around my waist. I feel him stand and lean against me, like he is trying to make me let go of the railing. I am obedient if I am anything. He has made me this way. I grip it for dear life and anticipation of where it will all go.
In the dim light I see his movements making shadows on the wall across from me.
A blindfold is pulled over my head. The darkness is familiar. He moves around me and sits on the bed. I think I'm standing between his legs. I can feel the heat of him around the front of me and the heat of the fire behind me. I'm shivering but I'm not cold in any way. He feels so large, like he's all around me, encompassing me.
Something brushes against my right nipple. I gasp. I think it's his finger tracing my nipple through the rough lace of the bandeau.
I falter in my ability to stand on my tiptoes. He thumbs my nipple until it sticks out. Then his other hand finds my other one. He's flicking and lightly squeezing both my nipples. He does it in a pattern that resonates through my body. I'm squeezing my thighs together and biting my lips. His mouth caresses my stomach. He kisses and trails his tongue up my abdomen. He flips the bandeau down, I moan loudly. I don’t even know why. His mouth clamps down on my nipple as his fingers continue the pinching and tugging of the other. He sucks and licks in a swirling motion. My stomach tightens. I don’t know what's happening but I'm getting lost in it all.
"Are you going to come for me, Sarah? Before I even touch your pussy?" His voice is warm against my wet nipple.
I moan louder and squeeze my thighs so tight, I lose my grip.
"Come for me baby." He sucks harder and tugs on my nipple. I orgasm. I let go of the railing, twitching and crying out. I'm gripping his shoulders and head.
Instantly, he's off the bed. My face is shoved into the soft blankets. I'm still breathing heavy and confused. I can barely keep my mouth closed.
"I told you to keep your hands there." He's pressed against me. One of his hands is holding me against the bed, dragging up and down my back. He steps back. I lie there and wait, breathing into the bedding.
I hear him walking, making his shoes make noise against the floor. My eyes try blinking against the blindfold. I don’t know what to expect. I'm terrified about the paddles. My feet are clenching the floor in desperate protests.
His hand touches my ass cheek again. I whimper.
I jump when he rubs something cold against me. It's wide and I have no idea what to expect.
"If you struggle, I will hit you harder." His voice is ice. I'm clutching the blanket and breathing into it. My jaw is trembling with terror and a perverse idea of where this is going.
His hand creeps along my underwear to my belly. He presses and then suddenly something connects with my skin. I scream out. It stings but shocks more. It's gone and then his hand presses into my stomach again and the metal cracks me on the ass cheek. I've squirmed slightly. He pulls my hips, arching my back more.
"Touch your toes together," he growls at me. I do it quickly. He pulls my butt back further. The third strike hurts a bit but the vibration of the impact against my groin makes my scream sound more like a moan. I never saw that coming. The smacks mellow out but come more frequently. My stomach is tightening again with every vibration the striking creates. Each smack vibrates against my groin.
I feel like I need to move in a thousand different ways but can't. He slows down the rhythm.
"Faster." I mutter breathlessly into the blanket.
He chuckles, "No, no, no. You've had an orgasm. You don’t get another one." The next hit is hard, it stings. I wince and suck my breath.
"That's my girl." The next hit is the same. My butt starts to go numb to the heat of the room but still stings. I hear the paddle drop. It makes the same sound it did when he dropped it from paddling my feet.