I watch him for a moment and wonder if we're both friggen bipolar.
I don’t last long watching him, before I grab his coat and plant my lips on his. I suck his tongue and kiss him with everything I have. I slide against him, tugging my mitts off and climbing him like a tree. His hands wrap around me and carry me to the wall of the building we are beside. He thumps my back into the bricks. We make out like there is no need for air or food. Just as he puts me down and starts dragging me back to his place, I dig my heels in.
"No."
He looks back at me, "You want this."
"No I don’t."
He grins, "I can make you."
I laugh nervously and jerk my hand free, "I want the you that tilts his head back and eats the snow. I want the you that holds me and snuggles into me. I want him but you hardly ever show him to me. I see a glimpse of him and then it's you that’s back." I point disappointedly. "I want the sweet guy who puts his hand out for me."
His eyes fight something. His lips tighten, "He's in here too. I think they're a few of us." He lets go of my hand and walks away. I hate him as much as I'm addicted to him. How do I always end up as the bad guy? My sexual frustration overwhelms me.
I snarl and turn to walk home. I make it a few blocks when an exhausted-looking Stuart pulls up.
"Get in, you pain in the ass."
I glance at him and roll my eyes, "It's like a few blocks." I point.
"If you get raped in one block, I'm a dead man."
I mutter rebuttals but climb in the front seat next to him.
"I heard that." He mutters and drives.
"I hate him."
His lips wriggle back and forth, "I know. I also know you all can't live without each other. You saved each other when you were kids and it isn’t any different now. You just gotta find a way to save each other again."
I look straight ahead and let my filter turn down all my arguments.
I stumble up the steps and feel lost in too many ways to process. I'm exhausted.
When I hit the sheets I sleep instantly.
I wake to Michelle humming. I glance at the clock and grimace. She frowns at me, "Dude, when did you get home?"
I can barely get my eyes open, "Booooo. Stop being cheerful and humming."
She sits on my bed and bounces it. I grumble and pull the covers up.
"Did you make the crawl of shame?"
I open one eye and smirk, "What?"
She pulls back the covers and plucks my t-shirt, "What is this?"
I swallow and stretch and moan a little, "My…" I clear my throat, "Uhm. T-shirt."
I make duck lips and watch her. She arches her eyebrow and shakes her head, pointing at my shirt and waggling her finger. "Nuh uh. No. I know all your dirty skeezy little orphan clothes and this shit isn’t yours." She bats her eyelashes blankly, "Spill bitch."
I roll on my side and try to imagine the words I would use to describe it. There are none.
"Fine. Keep your secrets. Just say it was Sebastian. I want details eventually, I kind of have an idea how it goes anyway." She closes her eyes and grinds her hips on my bed, "Oh. Yeah I got some visuals for that one."
I shove her and laugh, "Dirty. No. I was with Eli."
Her green eyes pop open, "No. What have you done? Did you wreck it with Sebastian?"
I shake my head, "I don’t know. Maybe. I'm seeing him again tonight."
"Sweet Jesus. Somebody lost her V-Card and went wild with it." She looks around, "Where is your phone?"
"Why?"
She grins, "Cause Catholic girls gone wild is gonna be calling."
I laugh, "I left it there. I told him. I don’t want anything from him. I was going to go to financial aid today and apply for a loan for summer semester."
Her perfectly manicured dark eyebrows knit, "Huh? You humped him and wore his shit home, but he can't pay for your schooling anymore?"
I cover my eyes and moan, "Noooooo. Don't say humped. So nasty." Who am I to call anything sexual, nasty? I open my eyes and bite my lip.
"Dude, did you take those pills I gave you?"
I nod.
"Good. You don't want to be having sex without protection. You don't know where Eli has been."
My heart burns when I think about his room. He has that for a reason. He uses it on other girls. I gag a little.
"For reals Sarah, are you done with Eli or not?"
I shake my head again, "I don’t know. Yes. No. I don’t know. I just want to sleep longer and then go to financial aid. I have a paper due next week and I haven’t even started. I'm meeting Sebastian tonight. I know that much."
Her eyes twinkle, "Wanna take this new found awesome-sauce you have and try going to a bar again?"
I'm about to shove her right off the bed and say no, but I don’t. I stop and think. I nod once.
She squeals and butt hops on my bed.
"We can double. I'll ask Vince to come."
"Who?"
Her eyes widen in delight, "Rebound boy. I love me some rebound boy."
"What about Stuart?" I think about what he said earlier. I like Stuart. I feel loyal to him.
"What about Sebastian?" She mocks me.
"Dick."
She sticks her tongue out and leaves for class. I stare up at the stark white of the ceiling. The images I never saw because of the blindfold, but can imagine, flood the empty space in my mind. His hands holding me and the silver flash of metal spanking me. I squeeze my thighs together and sigh. I need closure. I need to not want him.
I get up and pull on my own yoga pants that Shell said I needed and a lime green hoodie. I slip on my Uggs and my white down coat. I turn the lock and walk out of the room. I'm partway down the stairs when I think I see him. I stop and watch a man in a pea coat and dress pants talking to someone. It's him. His dark hair is in the faux hawk. He's pointing with a leather glove at my building and shaking his head. I grimace and watch him. His blue eyes look intense and angry. It makes my stomach twinge.
I creep to the door and push it softly. I pull my hood up and walk to the path to the left, instead of toward the sidewalk where he is.
I hear him speaking to the man like he is lesser, "I don’t care what the problem is with it, it's how I want it. Change the policy." The arrogance in his voice makes me shudder.
I hustle along the sidewalks through the paths made by other people's footsteps. The wind is cold and bitter.
I climb the steps of the building and walk to the financial aid office. I walk in and smile at the secretary. She is older with brown hair and a mom look. She isn’t trendy like Doctor Bradley. She's just a mom. Cuddly and soft.
"Hi sweetie." She says. I like her instantly.
I have a seat and smile, "Hi."
"Can I help you?"
I nod, "I hope so. Here's my student ID. I need to discuss a student loan for next semester and beyond that."
She smiles, "Grants and scholarships running out?"
I cross my arms, "Something like that."
She takes the card and pulls on glasses, "Let's see what we have here." She puts my number in. She frowns, "Honey, you have paid your tuition up to the end of your degree. There is a note on the account that if you choose to stay on for your masters or doctorate, we are to contact your guardian, a Mr. Elijah Adams." She squints, "Does that sound right?"
I sigh, "Something like that."
She hands me back the ID. She looks bug eyed with the glasses on. I take it back and stand up, defeated. "Thanks."
I'm sure she thinks I'm nuts. I walk back out into the cold and look in the direction of my building.
I don’t have anything without him. I need a job. I walk to my dorm. I sneak past the sidewalk where he isn't anymore.
I climb the stairs and wonder what to do. I'm foggy from plotting and disappointment, when I open the door and miss the man on my bed. I close the door and stop when I see the shoes. They're the ones that kicked me in the parking lot. I press my back against the door and let my eyes travel his pants slowly.
He looks beautiful and moody. I like it when he's moody. No matter how hard I fight it, I do.
He cocks his eyebrow and holds my phone up, "You forgot something last night."
"Why did you pay for all my tuition for the next four years?"
He ignores me, "Stop being a pain in the ass. Do you know how hard it is to track you without the cell phone? Stuart and I literally have to follow you everywhere you go. It's annoying. Luckily, I had a meeting here today so I could return it."
"I don’t want anymore help from you. I don’t want money or stuff or Stuart driving my ass around."
He stands up and fixes his coat. He walks to the door and bends to kiss my cheek, "Are you angry?" he asks in a soft voice. His words brush against my skin, making me shiver.
I nod.
"Good." He takes my hand and opens the door to the dorm, "I have something I want to show you and I sort of need you angry for it." He pulls me from the dorm. My stomach flutters with excitement.
I let him drag me but I mutter, "I want those damned shoes burned."
He laughs, "Deal."
"I still can't believe you kicked me."
"I didn’t want to. I needed you to believe."
I glance at him as we leave the dorms, "Keep telling yourself that."
He grins his cocky, shitty grin, "Keep telling yourself the paddle doesn’t turn you on."
I snort and hate that he knows so much about me. My cheeks are on fire just hearing the word paddle.
Chapter Nineteen
His hand doesn’t leave mine, not even in the SUV. Stuart pulls up to the curb of a dodgy-looking building. His eyes meet mine and I sense worry coming off of him. We climb out. I notice Stuart doesn’t get out and open the door for Eli. Eli's grip on my hand tightens. I'm feeling a disturbing fear. He wants me angry. He wants to show me something. I have no idea what it could be. I see a bulky guy walking up to the door. He beams when he sees Eli.