She’s right. I know this. I overreacted. Adele pushed all my buttons and I fell for her tricks. So stupid.
“I shouldn’t have listened to Adele.” I take a deep breath and let it out. “I’m sorry.”
A little smile curls her lips and my heart flutters. “You’re forgiven. And just so you know. The guy I was talking to yesterday?”
Now my heart is pounding. “Yeah?”
“It was Owen. My brother.”
I feel one hundred times the jackass. Of course, she was talking to her brother. She’s worried sick about him most the time. “I shouldn’t listen to Adele.”
“No, you shouldn’t.”
“I feel like an asshole.”
“Yesterday, you sort of were one.” I’m about to say something, but she cuts me off. “Truthfully? I liked seeing all the anger. It means you actually feel, you know?”
I’m quiet. She’s right. I can’t remember the last time I went off like that. Do I ever go off like that? A fuse had been lit within me and I was unable to contain it.
“I’m going to take a shower.” She flicks her chin at me. “You should go. I don’t want you to see me. My shirt’s practically see-through.”
“Fable, I hate to break this to you, but I’ve already seen you,” I remind her, my voice low.
Now it’s her turn to remain quiet and with a grin, I stand, heading for the door. “I liked what I saw too,” I call over my shoulder.
Her soft laughter follows me all the way down the hall.
Fable
It’s so cold outside and gloomy, the sky full of dark, foreboding clouds and that ever-present wind. I pull my coat tight around me, following Drew as we walk through the cemetery. He’s taking a windy path through the gravestones and I try my hardest not to look at them, but I can’t resist. Some of them are beautiful, with actual pictures on them, heartbreaking messages and even statues.
And flowers. Flowers everywhere, real and fake, bright and cheery, dark and somber. Some are even holiday-themed. I see remnants of Halloween ribbon, plenty of autumnal colors. Rusty reds and oranges and harvest yellows.
I felt better, seeing all the color, the benches that people put out there to actually spend time with the loved ones they’ve lost. Death is a terrible thing but it’s also such a part of life. I don’t like thinking about it, our mortal selves.
It’s easier to pretend we’ll live forever.
“Here it is.”
Drew’s deep, somber voice made me glance up and I see he’s stopped directly in front of a small gravestone that lies close to the ground.
Slowly I approach, stopping just at his side and I let my gaze settle on the words written across the stone:
Vanessa Adele Callahan
Born September 30, 2007
Died November 27, 2010
Forever in our hearts…
There was a little picture of Vanessa in the upper right hand corner. Her hair was dark like Drew’s, she has a big smile on her face and her blue eyes twinkled.
She was adorable.
I glance over at Drew and see him staring at her picture, his hands in his jacket’s pockets, his expression bleak. Full of sadness. I want to comfort him, want to draw him into my arms and whisper that everything’s going to be all right, but I don’t feel like it’s my place.
Plus, he needs to do this. He told me so on the drive over. He wanted a few moments where he did nothing else but look at her grave and think of her. Talk to her in his mind.
I agreed because who am I to judge on his grievance practices? We all mourn differently. Personally, I wouldn’t want to come out here, especially since his sister died at such a young age.
Curiosity crept over me again and I tried to ignore it. I really want to know how she died. I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much, but everyone in this family is so damn secretive about everything. This one little detail is major and I want to know.
I have to know.
A shuddering breath leaves Drew and I can’t take it anymore. Stepping closer to him, I grab hold of his arm and squeeze it, wanting him to know I’m there for him if he needs anything. He hauls me in closer, his arm going around my shoulders and the next thing I know, he’s embracing me, his face buried in my hair, his arms wound so tight around me, I can hardly breathe.
But I let him hang on to me. He needs the comfort. I do too.
“It’s my fault,” I hear him murmur against my hair. “I was watching her outside while my dad took a phone call. And then…then I left.”
A prickly sensation skitters down my spine and I try to keep myself relaxed so he doesn’t catch on that what he’s said disturbs me. Yet I want him to be open with me, not close himself off.
“It was an accident.” I have no idea since no one’s told me, but it seems the right thing to say. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”
“No.” He sets me away from him, his blue eyes blazing as he stares down at me. His body vibrates with emotion and he runs a shaky hand through his hair. “Did Adele tell you what happened? Did she?”
“I—no.” I shake my head, gasping when he grasps me by the shoulders and gives me a little shake. “She didn’t tell me anything. Only that she died.”
He pushes me away, cursing under his breath and I stumble, stunned that he would treat me that way. He’s walking away, his head down, his strides quick and I follow him, confused and angry and suddenly wishing I would’ve never come with him to this horrible, depressing place.
“Where are you going?” I yell, huffing and puffing against the wind and the cold, pissed that his long legs give him such the advantage.
“I need to be alone.”
“Give me a break,” I mutter, increasing my speed. “You can’t avoid the bad shit forever, you know,” I tell him.
He whirls on me, his face contorted with so much conflicting emotion, it’s like he’s a different person. “You don’t know me. I don’t avoid the bad shit. I f**king live it every single day of my life!”
I’m taken aback by his outburst, again with the show of emotion. Even though he’s taking all of his anger and turmoil out on me, this has to be good for him, right? “You don’t have to deal with it by yourself, you know. It’s okay to grieve and talk about her.”
“I grieve and it’s full of guilt. It’s my fault my baby sister got inside the pool area and drowned. I was supposed to stay outside and watch her but I—I didn’t. I thought the gate was closed.” He thrusts both hands through his hair, clutching at the dark strands as he stares unseeingly at me. “It’s my fault and her fault.”
“Her fault? Do you mean Vanessa?” She was practically a baby! How could he say that?
“No, f**k of course not. Her fault. God.” His voice catches on a sob and I realize tears are streaming down his cheeks. Seeing them, seeing him so distressed makes my heart ache, but I’m afraid to go to him. Afraid he’ll only push me away and I can’t stand the thought of that. Him grieving alone, thinking this is somehow all his fault and whoever else’s.
I’m so confused. And honestly?
I’m afraid to ask.
“Tell me what happened,” I demand, deciding to be brave and face this head on. “How did your sister die?”
Drew wipes furiously at his face, banishing the tears as we head back toward Vanessa’s gravesite. I give him a moment, sitting on a bench nearby. The tree branches above my head wave with the wind, and I shiver beneath my too-thin coat, watching him as he begins to pace directly in front of me.
“I was outside. Hanging out with my dad and enjoying the sun. That Thanksgiving break, it was warmer than usual, and I was riding high after doing so well during my first year on the team.” His voice trails off and he looks lost in thought. “Adele had been gone most of the day, shopping for Christmas presents. She asked my dad to watch Vanessa and we were playing with her. She’d run back and forth across the back patio, giggling nonstop. It took her awhile to warm up to me, you know? Because I wasn’t home much, but I always got her to come around.”
I say nothing, letting him take his time to tell this story. He needs to get it out, no matter how painful it must be for him to relive the day. I’d rather comfort him and tell him we’ll talk about it another time, but when?
“My dad got a phone call. He’d been working on a big merger that had taken him months to put together and he had to take the call. He told me I needed to watch Vanessa, never let her out of my sight and of course, I said I would.” He released a shuddering sigh and closed his eyes. “She played hide and go seek with me and we were laughing, I was teasing her. I knew my dad wasn’t too far off, I could hear him talking on the phone.
Adele was suddenly at the door and she asked me…she asked me to come inside with her. I told her I couldn’t, that I had to watch Vanessa and she convinced me Vanessa would be fine. My dad was right there. And he was, I swear he was. So I went in and…and Vanessa somehow got inside the gated area that surrounds the pool and she fell in. Turns out my dad had walked to the front of the house but I didn’t know it then. He didn’t realize I left Vanessa alone. I thought he had her and he thought I had her…”
Drew fell apart. Literally crumpled to the ground on his knees in front of his sister’s grave, his shoulders heaving as he hunched over the gravestone as if in prayer. “I’m sorry. I f**ked up and I’m so goddamned sorry.”
I went to him. Got down on my knees and wrapped my arms around him as best I could. He turned into me, slinging his arms around my neck and pressing his face against my chest. I could feel the dampness of his tears against my skin and I stroked his head, my fingers tangling in his hair as I tried my best to soothe him.
We sat like that for long, silent minutes. His body trembling with emotion as he quietly cried against me. I let him, felt the tears and the sadness well up inside of me too, and I cried with him. Silent tears that purged me, connected me to Drew as I felt his raw, all encompassing grief and pain.
This isn’t all that plagues him, I know. I can sense there’s more, much more and he’s holding back for fear I might freak out. Or worse, think less of him.
It has to do with Adele. And I think I know what it is.
I’m just not ready to face it yet.
~* Chapter Twelve *~
Day 6 (Black Friday), 11:00 p.m.
It’s the people who know you the best that can hurt you the most. – Drew Callahan
Drew
I’m desperate to lose myself in her so I can forget.
After the cemetery, we grabbed some fast food for lunch, then headed back home. There wasn’t much talking between us, and I couldn’t have held a conversation if I tried. I’m exhausted, both emotionally and physically, and she knows it. Fable doesn’t push, doesn’t ask for any explanations unless she deems it necessary.
Like her asking what happened the day Vanessa drowned. Hard to believe, but it felt good getting everything off of my chest. I’ve never talked about my sister’s death with anyone. Not my parents, no one. I’ve held that inside me for two years and once I started talking, it was like a dam broke.
I cried. I mourned. I told my story and was so damn thankful when she didn’t flinch, didn’t condemn, didn’t judge. She just held me and let me cry, like I’m some sort of big baby.
Damn it. I refuse to judge myself, get down on myself for having f**king emotions. I lost my baby sister on my watch. I have every right to cry and rage if I want.
We slept the rest of the afternoon away. Together. Curled up in the middle of my bed, our arms slung around each other, a blanket drawn up over us. The afternoon through most of the evening we remained like this, and I knew we both needed it. Neither of us has slept much this week while in Carmel.
We leave tomorrow, the day my family is acknowledging as the two-year anniversary of my sister’s death. I’m glad to get out of here, but unsure what life’s going to bring Fable and me when we get back home.
I’m afraid what I might do. What she might do. What we both might do together to screw everything up.
My cell pings and I know without looking who it is. My dad or Adele, the very last two people I want to talk to. I scoot over and sit up, reaching for my phone. The lamp on the dresser across the room is still on, casting out its dim glow. Glancing at my cell, I see that yep, it’s my dad who sent the text and just as I’m about to read it, the phone starts to ring. Again, it’s my dad.
“Sorry I haven’t returned your calls,” I immediately say, feeling bad. He’s having a tough time of it too, and I shouldn’t shut him out, no matter how easy he makes it.
“Don’t you dare hang up on me.” Fuck, it’s Adele.
“What do you want?” I keep my voice low, trying my best not to disturb Fable but she rustles under the blanket, turning away so her back is to me.
I have no idea if she’s awake or not, but I have no plans in saying anything to Adele that Fable might question later. It’s bad enough I confessed what happened with Vanessa today. No way can I dump any more on her.
“You’re coming with us tomorrow, right? To Vanessa’s grave?”
“I went already today.”
Dead silence answers me and I say nothing in return. I’m not going to be the one who says something first. I’m tired of being at this woman’s bidding. It’s gone on far too long.
“Did you go with her?”
“I did.”
A hiss escapes her. “How dare you bring her to my little girl’s grave.”
“She’s my sister, damn it. I can bring my girlfriend to her grave.”