I don’t want to clear my brain. It’s full of Chelsea.
The lighter drops to the counter with a loud clatter and I stub the joint out in the sink, then rinse it out. I drop the half-smoked joint into the toilet and flush, watch as it disappears down the drain forever.
If my friends caught me flushing a joint they’d be pissed. But I don’t care. I need to get this shit out of my life. I need to focus. I need to do the right thing.
I need to prove myself worthy of Chelsea. But no matter how much our relationship means to me, it also scares me.
Scares me so much I’m afraid I might do the wrong thing. And once I do that, I can never go back.
CHAPTER 18
Chelsea
I’m attending a college football game for the first time ever. Only took me three years to do it. Of course, I never had a reason to attend one before. I hated sports. I kind of still do. I can never understand exactly what’s going on down on the field and that drives me crazy. I like knowing what’s happening at all times.
As Owen teased me about last night right before we drifted off to sleep, I do wish there were a textbook for all of these things we’re supposed to know and do and learn and watch. If I can’t figure it out right away or read up about it, I’m lost. And frustrated.
I hate that.
But I’m letting all the anxiety go. It’s the second half, our team is winning, Owen is out on the field, and I’m sitting with his sister and niece, bundled up against the crisp, cold fall air. The baby is adorable, sweet and content in her mother’s arms, and when Fable offers for me to hold the baby, I take her, bouncing her up on down on my knee, cooing at her and saying the dumbest stuff that has probably ever come out of my mouth.
I don’t care. Autumn likes it. She reaches for my face and my heart stops. She smiles at me and I want to make her do it again. Her eyes remind me of Owen’s, green and clear and achingly beautiful. No wonder Owen goes on and on about how sweet his niece is. She’s adorable.
“She likes you,” Fable says, reaching out to readjust the little cap sitting on top of Autumn’s head.
I cuddle the baby close to me, gazing down at her. “I like her, too.”
“This game is sort of boring,” Fable says, looking out at the field. “We’re totally kicking their asses.”
I muffle the laugh that wants to escape. “Yeah, we are.”
“Thank goodness we’re almost out of here. I need to get Autumn down for a nap soon before she starts getting cranky. You’re going to dinner with us later, right?”
“Yes, definitely,” I say, happiness filling my chest so full I feel like I’m going to burst. “What time did you want to meet?”
“I don’t know.” Fable shrugs, a little smile on her face. “After Autumn’s nap, but not too late. I think I want to go to The District.”
“Really? Didn’t you used to work there?” I ask.
“I did.” A wistful smile crosses her face. “I have a lot of fond memories at that place. Some not so fond, too. Most of them are pretty awesome, though.”
“Is that where you and Drew met?”
“Oh, no.” She laughs and shakes her head, then reaches for the baby and plucks her from my arms. “Daddy and I had an—unusual meeting, didn’t we, princess?” She’s talking to Autumn, who smiles and kicks out her little feet.
I’m almost afraid to ask how they met now. So I don’t.
“You and my brother are getting pretty serious then?” she asks after a few minutes have gone by.
I glance around, thankful no one is really sitting by us. We’re down on the bottom row of bleachers, close to the exit, because that’s where Fable wanted to be. She was unsure how Autumn might behave while we’re here and didn’t want to take any chances. “Um, what do you mean by serious?”
“Boyfriend/girlfriend kind of serious?” She sends me a pointed look, one that says you’d better tell me everything, and quick. I swallow hard, suddenly intimidated.
“I—I think so.” I shrug, feeling stupid. And I despise feeling stupid. “We haven’t made an official declaration or anything.”
“Ah.” She nods. “I get it.” She offers me a smile, cuddling her baby close to her chest. “Be patient with my brother. He might not be the best when it comes to relationships, but he’s a good guy.”
He’s definitely a good guy, but I think we’re both amateurs at relationships. I keep my opinions to myself. He’s never really had a relationship and neither have I, but we seem to be navigating the course fairly well so far. And I don’t want to rock the boat, asking him for something more that he might not be ready to give yet.
So I remain quiet and enjoy what we share. Ever since that night I went over to his place with the Indian food and we ended up ha**g s*x for the first time, I’ve spent every free hour I can spare with Owen at his place. So much that I’m starting to irritate Kari because she never sees me. I ignore Mom’s texts, just occasionally sending her a one-word answer in the hope I can get rid of her for at least a little while.
It rarely works. I need to actually call her and find out what’s really going on. I just … I don’t have time for all that right now.
I’d rather spend all my time with Owen.
He’s been edgy lately and I don’t know why. Des never comes around anymore. Wade leaves a lot, but we never protest. That just gives us the opportunity to be a little more vocal when we’re in bed together. And when we’re alone in the house, Owen has this way of looking at me, touching me, that makes me lose all inhibitions. He can get me na**d in minutes, both physically and emotionally. He’s made me come so hard, I’ve screamed his name.
My body goes a little limp just thinking about it.
“You know, our mom was pretty screwed up,” Fable continues.
I become instantly alert at the mention of their mom. Considering Owen never, ever talks about her, I’m all ears.
“She was?” I ask, hoping she’ll continue.
Fable’s gaze meets mine and she rolls her eyes. “She’s awful. Just a terrible human being. I saw right through her tricks. She didn’t know how to take care of us and after a while, she didn’t want to, either. I was fine with it. Yeah, it hurt my feelings, but I just wanted to get away from her forever.”
I wait breathlessly for more information. Their mom sounds like a nightmare.
“She abandoned us awhile ago. Well, she abandoned us at first when Owen was just fourteen. Like, he came home one night all alone and found our apartment empty. She’d taken all of our stuff and just left.”
I stifle a gasp. “That’s awful,” I breathe.
“I know.” She nods sagely. “Then over a year later, she tried to come back. Got an apartment in town, had Owen half convinced to move back in with her and everything.” Fable shakes her head, her gaze growing distant. “That’s a time I don’t like to think about. Neither does Owen. I almost lost him. She was going to try and convince him to leave with her. Leave the town, the state, go somewhere completely new and start over.”
If that had happened, I would never have met him. My heart hurts at the realization. I can’t imagine my life without him.
“I can’t even comprehend what might’ve become of him if he’d done that. She would’ve ruined him. He’d be some high school dropout junkie living in the streets if he’d gone with her,” Fable continues.
“So what happened to her?” I ask.
“I don’t know.” She shrugs, her gaze meeting mine. “I haven’t heard from her in four years. Neither has Owen. Good riddance, I say.”
Four years. I can’t imagine not hearing from my mom in four years. Dad? That I can see, but I don’t want to hear from him and there’s a difference. Sounds like Fable and Owen don’t want to hear from their mom either.
“She sounds like a despicable human being,” I finally say.
Fable laughs, and the sound makes baby Autumn smile. “Great word. So true. She is a despicable human being. That’s why it’s nice to see Owen with someone so … normal. Not some over-the-top cheap-looking girl with her tits hanging out of her shirt and her hands all over him.”
Ugh. Just imagining that makes me want to throw up. I hate thinking of Owen being with anyone else, and it’s a reality I kind of have to face.
He’s been with a lot of someone elses.
“Our mom screwed with his head. He had all this guilt over her. Always thought he was responsible for her well-being or whatever. She put it on him. So when she finally left and disappeared out of our life for good, he’d go out with girls, but none of them were worthy of him. They were all kind of trampy.” Fable gives me the once-over but her eyes are kind. “You, Chelsea, are not a tramp.”
“Um, thanks?” I say, laughing nervously. I have no idea how to respond to that assessment.
“It’s a compliment. Trust me.” She smiles, and we both glance at the football field when the crowd cheers. My gaze snags on Owen and I can’t help but go all dreamy-eyed at seeing him running across the field in his uniform, the number 26 and his last name emblazoned on his back.
He looks good—big and broad and indestructible. He’s quick on his feet and can catch a ball with a preciseness that impresses. No wonder his coach was so eager to get him back on the team as fast as possible.
“He reminds me of Drew.” I look over at Fable and she’s watching Owen with the same sort of wistful expression I must have. “Different position but same determination, same natural ability. He could go far. As far as Drew has, if he wanted to.”
“You really believe that?” Football hasn’t been up for much discussion between Owen and me. I know it’s important to him. But we’d focused on his grades so much we hadn’t discussed anything else. And if we weren’t talking about school, we were busy flirting.
“I do. Drew wants to talk to him. See if that’s what Owen really wants. Though I’m not sure what Owen really wants.”
I don’t think Owen knows what he wants, either. He’s just cruising through life without a plan. Without a net. Whereas me, I like to plot and plan and figure out my next step. After graduate school, I’m going to teach, most likely at college level. That has been my plan since I was a little kid. Mom had instilled it in my brain that it was the best possible future for me. The only option I had.
But now … I wonder. It sounds so boring. Teaching. Doing the same thing, day in and day out. Would I want that? Would I be happy? Would I really be fulfilled? If you’d asked me this question a few months ago I would have answered yes without hesitation.
Now, I’m not so sure. Meeting Owen, spending time with him, letting him take me off track and actually learn how to have a little fun, changed me.
For the better.
Owen
It felt good to be out on the field and winning the game knowing my girl and my sister and niece were in the stands watching me. I caught sight of them a few times, chatting with each other more than keeping their eye on the game, and I could forgive them for that. Fable’s probably seen enough football games to last her a lifetime and Drew’s career is really only a couple of years in. And Chelsea isn’t big on football.
Plus, they’re getting to know each other, and that’s important to me. If Chelsea is going to become as big a part of my life as I hope she will, then I want them to like each other.
I’m at home with my girl now, kicking it in the living room, waiting for her to finish taking a shower. I’d tried to get in the shower with her but she’d shoved me out of the bathroom, giving me that look—the one that said no way, asshole—while whispering, “Wade’s right out there. He’ll know.”
I didn’t push. Hell, I’d cleaned that bathroom like crazy to ensure she’d even want to take a shower at my place. Guys are pigs. I’m no exception. But when we made plans for Fable to be here this weekend a few days ago, Chelsea had said she might stay the night and take a shower at my place. She even asked if that would be okay.
Took a lot for me to play it off and act like that was no big deal. While inside I was dying to tell her, move in with me forever.
How I feel about Chelsea is just … f**king ridiculous, in the most awesome, unbelievable way.
“Going out with your girlfriend?” Wade’s tone is kind of snide, a little joking. I think he’s still mad at me about the Des thing, but what can I do? It’s too late to back down now, and I kind of like not having Des here all the damn time, bringing his posse of druggies with him.
“Yeah. My sister’s here, you know.”
“Right. I talked to Fable after the game.” She’s always liked Wade. Though she’d probably hate him if she ever discovered all the trouble we got into numerous times throughout our high school years. Thank God we hadn’t been caught.
That hadn’t been all Wade’s fault. We were a bad influence on each other.
A knock sounds on the door and Wade goes to answer it. I’m feeling too lazy to even move from the couch. I played a hard game today. Truthfully, I was trying to show off for Fable and Chelsea. I’m going to pay the price tomorrow, especially if I get what I want later tonight.
Chelsea, na**d in my bed. Beneath me, making her cry out my name when I first enter her.
Yeah, I’ll gladly suffer through sore muscles for that.
“Uh, Owen.”
I glance up at the sound of Wade’s voice to see him with the door partially shut, his head tilted toward it and his expression one of pure panic.