“I need tonight and tomorrow off.” The words were forced out past the violent emotions still choking his throat.
Hawke frowned. “We’re already going to be down a few people with Eli and Yuki taking Sakura to Disneyland tomorrow. Sing-Liu and D’Arn headed out an hour ago to visit her parents for a couple of days.”
“One night, one day,” Andrew repeated. It was all he trusted himself to say.
Hawke’s pale blue eyes drilled into him, tiny lines flaring out at the corners. “Go,” his alpha finally said. “And if you need Pack, don’t be a dipshit and try to hack it alone. Call me.”
Pack was One. Pack was family.
Andrew knew that, but right now, he wanted to be alone. It fucking hurt that Indigo had chosen someone else over him. But he’d have shrugged that off and continued to court her, to challenge Riaz for the right to her, if he hadn’t seen that glowing expression on her face during the run, heard her laughter after it.
Riaz made her happy.
Really, truly happy, with none of the worry or anger that colored her relationship with Andrew.
And though the knowledge had his wolf clawing violently at the inside of his skin, Andrew would slit his own throat before he did anything to savage her happiness—as would inevitably happen if he saw her touch the other male. So he had to get out of here, find some way to gain control over the violence of his emotions, burn off the rage until he was in no danger of using his abilities as the pack’s tracker to spill SnowDancer blood.
Most people tended to forget that the tracker was also trained to kill the rogues he tracked. Andrew never did. It was why he hadn’t shifted, didn’t intend to shift until he had a handle on himself—he didn’t trust what he might do once he gave in to the much more primal mindset of the wolf.
Leaving Hawke’s office without another word, he walked down the tunnels with his head bent, not inviting conversation.
He didn’t count on Ben.
The five-year-old barreled around the corner and wrapped his baby-soft arms around Andrew’s legs. “Drew!” A shining face lifted up to his, absolute trust in those dark, button brown eyes.
Andrew could no more squelch that joy than he could cut Indy out of his heart. “Mr. Ben.” Bending, he picked the sweet-natured boy up and turned him upside down.
Ben’s delighted laughter attracted the attention of passing packmates, made smiles break out on their faces. Andrew smiled, too, but his heart was too bruised to make it real. Turning Ben right side up, he settled the boy on his arm, his eyes on Ben’s soft fleece pajamas. “Did you escape bedtime?” He began heading toward Ben’s home.
A nod, one arm companionably around his neck. “You’re taking me back.”
“Yep.”
A sigh, then he snuggled his head into the curve of Andrew’s neck, sitting patiently until they reached the open doorway of his home. “Knock, knock,” Andrew said. “I have an escapee to return.”
Ben’s mother walked out, shaking her head. “Slippery little monkey. I thought you were in bed.” Taking Ben, she sent Andrew a smile as bright and open as her son’s. “Thanks for bringing my little man back.”
Andrew nodded and was about to leave when Ben said, “Wait! I wanna give Drew something.” Wiggling out of his mother’s arms, he ran to the back of the apartment.
His mom went to say something when there was a cry from somewhere in the living area. “Oh, that’s the baby,” she said. “I better go pick her up.”
Andrew stayed in the doorway as she did so. “How’s Ben with her?”
“He plays with her for hours.” Ava’s cheeks dimpled with maternal pride as she glanced over her shoulder. “Such patience my Benny has, you wouldn’t believe it.”
Ben tumbled out of his room then, running as fast as his little legs would take him. When Andrew crouched in front of him, the boy handed over a tiny object. It was an action figure of a man in a blue jumpsuit sporting improbable muscles. “Thanks.”
“It makes me happy when I play with it.” Ben tapped him on the cheek with one baby-soft palm. “Don’t be sad, Drew.”
Andrew looked into those shining eyes and wondered who Ben was going to grow into. Whoever that man was, Andrew had a feeling the whole pack would be damned proud of him. “Yeah? Okay.”
A smile full of sunshine.
“Come on, Benny,” Ava called. “Let’s get you to bed, my sweet boy.”
Leaving with a wave, Andrew put the little action figure in a side pocket of his pack. Ben had seen. Hawke had seen. Andrew didn’t want anyone else to see. So he made sure he wasn’t stopped again as he headed out and away from this den where Indigo would return on the arm of another man. The rest of what might happen . . . he couldn’t think about it without unleashing the wolf’s tormented rage.
Indigo sat across from Riaz on the open patio of a roof-top restaurant you usually had to book weeks in advance, the glittering lights of the city spread out in shimmering ropes far below. And beyond that, the dark lap of the bay. It was a stunning view, and the man across from her was undeniably handsome, but she couldn’t focus, her entire body tense as if for battle. As for her wolf—it was agitated, unable to sit still.
Riaz stirred across from her. “So?”
It was an effort to smile, to pretend everything was as it should be. “I’m impressed,” she said, turning her gaze from the view to him. “How did you get reservations so fast?”
“I called in a favor. Wouldn’t do to disappoint you.” A slow smile that should’ve made her senses leap. “Did you notice how civilized I’m being?”
It was a reference to their past, when Riaz had been a wild, wild young male and she’d been coming into herself as a dominant female. “I almost don’t recognize you.” She tipped her wineglass toward him in a salute, though part of her missed the wild boy he’d been. He was almost too mature these days.
Riaz’s smile deepened at her comment, but she thought she glimpsed something hidden behind it, a sharp echo of her own confusion. However, when he spoke, his voice was steady. “You ready to order?”
“You do it.”
Riaz raised an eyebrow. “Testing how well I know you?”
“Maybe.” She took a sip of the excellent wine and watched him over the top of her glass.
Amazing dark gold eyes, the eyes of a man who’d seen the world and knew exactly what he wanted. But since his return from Europe, those eyes were more often shuttered and introspective than laughing, and the only time she’d really seen him playful was when they’d done the run. Even when he’d been young, he’d been . . . intense.
Not that it mattered, she told herself. Play was for boys and children. Riaz was a strong male in the prime of his life. Both sides of her nature found him more than acceptable . . . except, the wolf thought wistfully, a little more playfulness would’ve been nice. After all, he was a wolf, too. Play was part of their life. Shouldn’t he want to play with a female who attracted him?
As she listened, he placed their order. All perfect. Until he said, “No dessert. We’ll go for coffee instead.”
Her wolf sniffed. No dessert? Drew would’ve never made that mistake.
She caught that thought as soon as it rose, nipped it before it could take root. Drew wasn’t only too young; he wasn’t dominant enough to be able to handle her wolf, despite what he thought. And as she’d seen up close and personal, such an imbalanced relationship couldn’t work—the emotional devastation would destroy them both, obliterating what friendship remained. There might even come a time when he’d look at her with barely concealed hate.
Shoving aside the painful images evoked by those thoughts, she turned her attention very deliberately to Riaz. “Tell me more about what you did while you were away.”
The other lieutenant began to speak, his voice low, deep, smooth as caramel. As he spoke, she let herself truly look at him. His skin glowed a burnished brown in the light from the candles, his near black hair sparking with auburn highlights. The stunning blonde three tables over was giving him the eye when she thought Indigo wasn’t watching, while the two gorgeous black women one table to the right didn’t even try to hide their admiration.
Meeting Indigo’s gaze, they gave her a discreet thumbs-up. Indigo smiled back at the friendly appreciation, returning her focus to Riaz’s strong jawline, those beautifully shaped lips she’d once felt on her own. They’d been good as lovers, very good. But they’d parted as the best of friends. No broken hearts. No torn souls.
It made her wolf halt in its thoughts, consider.
Changeling wolves mated for life.
Her parents’ relationship might not make sense to Indigo, but there wasn’t a shred of doubt in her mind that they loved each other to the core of their beings. More, that they fit together like two pieces of a separated whole—as if without one, there would be no other.
She wanted that, she realized as she sat across from this incredible man who ticked all the right boxes, who’d make a good partner, but who would never be her heartbeat. She wanted the agony and the ecstasy, craved the ferocity of the bond that tied male to female in the most visceral way. Fear bloomed at the idea of the vulnerability that would accompany such a relationship, but it wasn’t enough to overwhelm the hunger in her soul.
“Hey.”
Blinking, she found Riaz watching her with a disconcertingly intent look. “Sorry,” she said, her cheeks burning with cold heat. “My mind drifted away for a second.”
Riaz didn’t let her off the hook. “We’ve known each other too long to play games, Indigo.” Lifting his wineglass, he took a sip of the golden liquid. “We know this isn’t going to work—but we’re trying to pretend that it will because it’s easier, safer.”
Hearing the echo of pain in his words, she reached out to touch his free hand—no matter what, he was her friend. He was Pack. “Who?”