It wasn’t as if she hadn’t tried. She’d submitted to every therapy available and ingested a pharmacy full of drugs. All those drugs. God only knew what she’d done to her body or what risks she’d taken, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Nothing mattered except having a baby. She was willing to swallow anything, inject her stomach with drugs, volunteer for any experimental program, if there was even the slightest possibility it would help her get pregnant—and stay pregnant.
“What are you doing out here?” Doug came into the room wearing striped pajama bottoms and no top; it was how he always slept. He sat down across from her. “What’s the matter? Can’t you sleep?”
Afraid that he might hear the tears in her voice, she shook her head.
He didn’t say anything and they sat together in silence. After a few minutes, her husband stood up and stretched out his arm to her and pulled her into his embrace.
“You should try to sleep,” he said.
“I know.”
He didn’t try to lead her back to bed and she was grateful.
“What about you?” she asked.
“I don’t think I can sleep without you.”
She smiled, comforted by the knowledge that she was as much a part of him as he was of her.
A ferry glided toward Vashon Island and Carol forced her attention onto its slow progress from Fauntleroy to Southworth. The terrible tension returned and she had to ask the one question that had hounded her for months. “What are we going to do if I don’t get pregnant this time?” Her words came out a broken whisper. “Adopt?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”
“I can’t wait. I need to know now.”
“Why?”
“What if the adoption agencies decide we aren’t fit parents? What if we can’t get an infant the way we want? What…what if the IVF fails again? Oh, Doug, I shouldn’t think like that and yet I can’t stop myself.”
Doug’s sigh rumbled from deep within his chest. “Then don’t think like that. If the IVF fails, we’ll adopt and if we aren’t accepted by the agency, then we won’t have children. Other couples have survived and we will, too.”
“No…we won’t.”
“Carol.”
“It might be all right between us for a while, but then one day you’ll look at some little boy or girl and—” The lump in her throat made it impossible to continue.
Doug didn’t try to deny it. “Don’t say that.”
She gave a helpless shrug.
“What makes you think we won’t be able to adopt? Other couples our age adopt. Why can’t we?”
“Because we’re too late.”
“Too late? Why is it too late?”
“Because the waiting lists are years long. By the time they get to our name, we’ll be in our midforties.”
“You’re erecting roadblocks where there aren’t any.”
Carol couldn’t respond. Her misery was too great. It was easy for Doug to say she was agonizing over nonexistent problems; it wasn’t his body that failed them month after month.
“We’re going to have a baby,” Doug said.
“Don’t say that,” she cried.
“Carol, stop it. You’re getting hysterical.”
“I’m hysterical and frightened and depressed and—”
“Defeated. Why go through with the procedure if you’ve already decided it isn’t going to work?”
“Because I have to know.”
“You want to know that you can’t get pregnant?” he asked gently.
Doug thought he was helping but he wasn’t. In fact, he was making everything worse. “Just leave me alone.”
“Carol, for heaven’s sake…”
“I don’t want you here. I need some time by myself.” It was like this with the drugs, these wild mood swings. They’d been warned; nevertheless, Carol was caught un-prepared.
Doug stood up and walked over to the window. Gazing into the moonlit night, he rubbed his hand over his face as though considering his options. “I don’t think I should leave you alone.” He didn’t look at her as he spoke.
“Please just go.”
“You need me.”
“Not now…I need to be by myself.”
“Carol…” He turned toward her.
“Please, Doug.”
He hesitated and then reluctantly walked into the bedroom.
As soon as he was gone, Carol wanted him back. She wanted him to take her in his arms and reassure her of his love. She wanted him to tell her he’d love her to the end of time, with or without a child.
Closing her eyes, she fought off the ugly negative voices that harassed her from all sides and tried to think positive thoughts. It was a technique she’d learned from her online support group—creating the image of what you want and seeing it in such clear detail that you begin to accept the possibility…the reality.
She pictured herself pregnant, her stomach extended, wearing a cheerful maternity top. Doug’s hands rested on her tummy and he bent over and kissed her belly. When he straightened, his eyes were full of love and pride. That was the image she held on to, the picture she framed in her mind. She refused to let her doubts defeat her.
At some point during the night, she must have fallen asleep on the sofa. Before dawn, she stirred and climbed back into bed. Pressing her body against Doug’s, she cuddled him close and draped her arm across his waist.
When she woke again, Doug was cuddling her. “Are you awake?” he whispered.
“I am now.” She groaned and rolled onto her back.
“What time did you come to bed?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t look.”
He nibbled on her ear. “Do you feel better?”
She managed a soft smile. “Yes.”
“Good.”
She could hear coffee brewing in the background. “Is it time to get up already?”
“I’m afraid so.”
She struggled into a sitting position and offered Doug a tired smile.
“Have I told you lately how much I love you?” he asked.
He told her in a thousand different ways. “Yup,” she said in the middle of a loud yawn.
“This is a very important day, you know,” Doug said, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“I do know,” Carol whispered. This was the day she’d welcome Doug’s child into her womb.
CHAPTER 21
ALIX TOWNSEND
A lix stepped outside the video store and lit up a cigarette. She was cutting back, but giving up smoking was difficult. Taking a long drag, she savored the immediate soothing effect and exhaled, tilting her head upward. It was when she started to take a second puff that she noticed Jordan Turner walking down the opposite side of the street. A sense of dread filled her; she didn’t want to talk to him.
What was the point? He obviously wasn’t interested in her. Oh sure, she amused him, but he saw her as a leftover challenge from the sixth grade—the girl he wanted to save. Another notch in his ministerial belt. Preachers couldn’t accept that Alix wasn’t looking for salvation. Oh, sure she’d ridden the church bus to Sunday School. Her parents would’ve been willing to let her go anywhere if it meant she was out of their hair for an hour or two. She’d done the Jesus thing at ten and eleven, but it hadn’t gotten her anywhere. Been there, done that, and been awarded the prize Bible for memorizing scripture.
She’d been on her own since she was sixteen and one of the hardest lessons life had taught her was that the only person she could rely on was herself. It wasn’t a lesson she was likely to forget.
Crushing out her half-smoked cigarette, Alix went back inside the store, hoping Jordan would take the hint and leave her alone.
“That was quick,” Laurel muttered as Alix joined her behind the counter.
“I’m going into the back room.”
Laurel frowned. “Why?”
“If you-know-who comes in, tell him I’m not working tonight.”
“Are you still avoiding Jordan?”
“Just do it,” Alix snapped and hurried to the back of the store before the preacher man caught up with her. It’d been two weeks since they’d bumped into each other at Starbucks and he’d dropped his bomb. The explosion still reverberated in her ears. Jordan was a minister—and she wanted nothing to do with him or his God.
No more than a minute later, Laurel appeared, and she didn’t look any too pleased. “He saw you.”
Alix whirled around. “Then tell him I’m busy.”
“I already tried that.”
This was getting irritating. “So tell him something else. I don’t want to talk to him.”
“You can’t hide forever.”
“I’m not hiding,” Alix insisted, which was a pretty weak argument.
“Do what you want,” Laurel said. “But he told me he was going to wait until you came out.” With that, her roommate and supposed friend returned to the front of the store.
Alix waited an agonizing ten minutes and figured that by then Jordan would’ve given up on her. No such luck. Arms crossed, he stood by the microwave popcorn display next to the cash register. His eyes narrowed when he saw her.
Rather than try to avoid him anymore, she strolled purposely toward Jordan. “You don’t take a hint, do you?” she asked bluntly.
“Not easily,” he admitted. “Let’s talk.”
“I can’t.” She’d already squandered her fifteen-minute break and that was her last of the evening. The video store wasn’t doing a robust business, but they were busy enough.
“Meet me after work.”
Alix shrugged. She might as well get this over with. “All right.”
“Your word is good?”
The challenge in his voice offended her sense of pride. “Damn straight it is! I’ll be at Starbucks ten minutes after closing.”
“Make it Annie’s Café.”
“Fine, Annie’s.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
It could’ve been Alix’s imagination, but she thought she saw Jordan wink at Laurel on his way out the door. She wondered what the hell that was about and then decided it didn’t matter. If he was interested in her friend, then fine. She hoped the two of them would be very happy. Jordan was a damn sight better than that slimy used-car salesman.
Only Alix did care, and she was in a bitch of a mood for the rest of her shift. By eleven o’clock Laurel was no longer speaking to her and left in a huff. Alix was just as glad to be rid of her.
Exactly ten minutes after closing out the till, locking up the store and making the deposit, Alix walked into Annie’s. The café was half a block down from the video store. As a treat every payday, Alix bought herself dinner there. The food was good, plentiful and cheap.
Jordan was in a booth reading the menu when she approached. She scowled at him and said, “I don’t owe you anything.”
“Yeah? And your point is?”
“I don’t have to be here.”