Cliff sipped his coffee and didn’t comment.
She nodded again. “It’s over. Thank God I came to my senses before…before anything happened.” She didn’t mention how close it had been. Or that it was only by chance she’d learned the truth about Will. If it hadn’t been for Olivia, Grace would have sunk deeper and deeper until she’d been completely swallowed up in the deception. She blinked back tears as she thought about the people she’d deceived—Cliff, first of all, and Georgia. Olivia. Her own daughters. Herself…
“I misled you,” Grace murmured, struggling with remorse. “You’ve been nothing but kind, and I abused that. Oh, Cliff, can you ever forgive me?”
“Of course I can,” he said without emotion. After a moment, he added, “But, unfortunately, I can’t undo the past.”
Grace didn’t understand what he was telling her. “I realize that.”
“Do you?” he asked, looking doubtful. He set his coffee mug in the sink, standing there for a moment with his back to her.
“Explain it to me.”
Cliff turned to face her. “I think I told you this before. I know what it’s like to be betrayed. I recognized the signs.”
She hung her head, aware she’d hurt him badly. With everything in her, she wanted to erase the pain she’d caused him.
“Susan had quite a few affairs over the years,” he continued. “It was a sickness with her, I think. At first I wondered if there was something missing in me, something I wasn’t giving her. She was constantly seeking admiration and approval from men. The only way she seemed capable of getting what she needed was through these affairs. Yet she repeatedly told me how much she loved me.”
He smiled then, and it was the saddest smile Grace had ever seen.
“The irony is that I believe Susan did love me. For most of our marriage I looked the other way and tried to pretend her indiscretions didn’t matter, but I was wrong. They mattered a lot. I held on to the marriage for Lisa’s sake. Then before I knew it, my daughter was grown-up, and all at once I realized I was trapped in a relationship that was nothing more than a pretence.”
Grace knew how painful it was for Cliff to discuss the details of his marriage. She also knew what that felt like. Her own marriage had been difficult. For years she’d believed it was something lacking in her that had brought on Dan’s dark moods. Only after his death did she learn she wasn’t to blame, although she’d accepted responsibility for Dan’s unhappiness. Cliff’s situation had been quite different, but Grace identified with his emotions.
“I was hoping the two of us could start over again,” she said, forcing herself to meet his eyes. She so badly wanted to put this behind them and pick up where they’d left off.
He stared at her for the longest moment of her life and then reluctantly looked away. In that movement she read his answer.
“I can’t,” Cliff said in a voice so low Grace had to strain to hear him.
“But…” She wanted to argue, but even before she could get the words out she knew it would do no good. His mind was made up and nothing she said or did now would change that.
“I can’t go back, Grace. I lived that life once.”
“But I wouldn’t—I was faithful to Dan for thirty-four years. I’m not anything like Susan.”
Cliff crossed his arms. He was shutting her out, she thought. He’d rather be anyplace except with her. Still, she held her ground, unwilling to give up on them so easily.
“I’m not saying you’re like Susan,” he told her. “I’m simply saying I can’t deal with the feelings I associate with her. The last time I saw you, it was as though every doubt, every negative emotion from my marriage, came flying at me. I don’t want to live like that. I can’t. I don’t want to deal with those emotions anymore.” Lowering his head, he murmured, “For a while I believed we had something special.”
“We did,” she said. And she’d ruined it.
“Perhaps,” he agreed quietly, “but I don’t feel that way now.” His expression was full of regret. “I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to see each other again. I’m sorry, Grace.”
Her heart felt as though it had leaped to her throat and was pounding its way out. Rather than risk speaking and having her voice crack, Grace nodded. She finished her coffee, then slipped off the kitchen stool.
“I guess this is goodbye.” That was all she could manage.
Cliff nodded.
With only pride holding her together, Grace left the kitchen.
Cliff accompanied her into the foyer and retrieved her coat. He held it for her and she blindly shoved her arms into the sleeves.
Then he placed his hands on her shoulders, gently turning her in his arms. As if he couldn’t stop himself, he kissed her. A final kiss. His mouth was moist and warm as it covered hers.
Grace came into his embrace, wrapping her arms around him as she gave herself to the kiss. She sensed his hunger, his desire—and his regret. All too soon, long before she was ready, he pulled away.
He refused to meet her eyes. “Goodbye,” he said, and opened the door for her.
Twenty-Five
“Are your eyes closed?” Olivia asked, peeking around the sliding glass door that led to the deck of Jack’s rental house. Sitting in his hot tub, in plain view of the entire world, was an uncomfortable prospect for Olivia. Jack, however, had refused to take no for an answer.
A misty fog surrounded the hot tub where he sat impatiently waiting for her. It was a cloudy evening, the second Sunday in March. “My eyes are closed,” he assured her, grinning from ear to ear.
Even from this distance, she could tell he was lying. “Jack Griffin, your eyes are wide open.”
“Olivia, I’ve seen a woman in a bathing suit before.”
“But you haven’t seen me!”
“No, and I’m dying to, so hurry up.”
The patio light was far too bright, she decided. Grumbling under her breath, she tucked the towel more tightly around her and stepped barefoot onto the deck. Although it faced the cove and not the road, Olivia was sure the entire neighborhood would be catching a glimpse of her.
She couldn’t even remember the last time she’d donned a swimsuit. This very one, in fact. Years and years ago. James had still been living at home. Justine, too. Her swimsuit was sadly outdated, but luckily it wasn’t the kind of material that attracted moths.
“Sooner or later you’re going to have to drop that towel,” Jack told her as she took her first tentative steps outside. He leaned back in a relaxed pose, arms spread out across the back of the tub.
“If I see a picture of myself in The Chronicle, I swear I’ll never forgive you.”
“Hmm, you’re giving me ideas.” Jack chuckled as if an embarrassing photograph was indeed a possibility.
“Jack!” Reluctantly she lowered the towel. Feeling as graceful as a walrus, she climbed over the edge of the hot tub and slid into the water. It was warm, soothing and refreshing at the same time. “Ah,” she sighed involuntarily.
“See? That wasn’t so bad, now was it?” he asked.
Olivia moved next to him, sinking shoulder-deep into the bubbling water. Rather than respond, she sighed again, a sigh of pure contentment. She was oh, so glad Jack had urged her to set aside her inhibitions and join him.
“You know, you’ve got a very attractive body,” he said. “I don’t know why you insist on hiding it.”
Olivia shook her head. “Do you know how old I am?”
“Yes—and what’s that got to do with anything?”
“Plenty. I’ve had children, Jack, and my body is far from perfect.”
“Hey, if I wanted to date a twenty-year-old model—” He gave a quick laugh. “Hell, a twenty-year-old model wouldn’t be seen dead with an old fart like me.”
Olivia smiled, too. “We make a good couple, don’t we?” She rested her head against his shoulder.
“Yeah,” Jack agreed. “We do, Judge O. Especially when we’re practically naked in a hot tub together.”
“Jack!” She giggled. She was enjoying herself but refused to give him credit; if she did, she’d never hear the end of it.
“Come on,” he said, “tell me I was right.”
“Would you mind gloating silently?” she muttered, letting her eyes drift shut.
“How’s Grace doing?” Jack suddenly asked.
Olivia groaned. She’d been deeply concerned for her friend. “Better, I think.” Grace had come to Olivia last Saturday afternoon, as upset as Olivia had ever seen her. Despite several attempts, Olivia wasn’t able to pry the entire story out of her, but apparently Grace had done something to offend Cliff and he’d decided it would be best if they no longer saw each other.
“Have you talked to her recently?” Jack said.
“I saw her Wednesday night. Why?”
Jack rested his chin on top of Olivia’s head. “I think she might be volunteering for the Humane Society.”
“Oh, yes, she did say something about that.” Olivia approved; Grace seemed to have a lot of time on her hands all at once. She’d always been fond of animals. Buttercup had brought her comfort and companionship when Grace had most needed it. This volunteer position was something she could do to help animals, and perhaps a human or two. Olivia also suspected that Grace saw it as a way of making up for not getting Buttercup to the vet more quickly, not noticing the symptoms sooner. She tried to reassure her friend, but Grace persisted in blaming herself, which Olivia thought unreasonable.
“How’d you know about Grace volunteering?” she asked.
“The way I know about everything. The paper’s doing an article about the shelter. When I showed up to talk to the director, Grace was there filling out the paperwork. The shelter does a background check before they accept any volunteers.”
“I think it’ll be good for her.”
“I do, too,” Jack said.
Olivia opened her eyes and gazed up at the sky. The clouds had parted and the stars were coming out; it was turning into a spectacular night. Most of her friends were at a fund-raising dinner she’d gladly skipped. She could only imagine what her co-workers would say if they could see the very prim and proper Judge Lockhart soaking in a hot tub. And with a man, yet.
“I wouldn’t do this for anyone else, you know,” she told him. She didn’t need to elaborate on what she meant; Jack knew.
“I’m glad to hear it.” He kissed the top of her head.
Olivia felt his chest expand and then softly he said, “I love you, Olivia.”
This wasn’t the first time he’d admitted his feelings, but something about the way he’d said it felt different. She leaned away from him and looked into his eyes. “I love you, too, Jack.”
“Do you mean that, Olivia? Really mean it?”
She nodded. “I do.”
A sigh rumbled inside his chest. “I know you don’t like to talk about Stan, and frankly, I don’t blame you, but I think we should. For the last time.”