A soft lullaby came to him. He didn’t have much of a singing voice, but this was a song his mother had sung to him as a child when he was troubled. Julia wouldn’t understand the words, but they would soothe her spirit as they had his.
After the first verse, she released a long, trembling sigh. A few minutes later, she was sound asleep once more.
Alek followed her shortly afterward.
Julia opened her eyes and felt the unbearable weight of her sadness crushing her. Ruth was dying. She rolled over and, despite her sadness, realized it wasn’t grief that was pressing her down, but Alek.
Alek! In a sudden panic, she vainly tried to recall the events from the night before. Oh, no, she’d asked him…asked him to sleep with her. She’d been distraught. She hadn’t known what she was doing and now he’d think, he’d assume she wanted him to make love to her…that she’d welcome him to her bed every night.
Scrambling to her feet, she backed away from him, her hand at her breast.
“Julia?”
Her heart leapt into her throat. She’d hoped to slip away without waking him.
“Good morning.”
“’Morning,” she said shyly.
“Did you sleep well?”
Julia nodded and glanced down as the tears sprang readily to her eyes.
“Julia?” He reached for her hand, pulling her back to the bed. She sat on the edge and he slid his arms around her. Words weren’t necessary just then. She was grieving and Alek was there to comfort her. She placed her hands over his and their fingers entwined.
“Thank you,” she whispered when she could form the words. She leaned back, relaxing into his warmth. He kissed her hair and she turned abruptly and flung her arms around his neck, holding him for all she was worth.
He spoke to her, and she smiled softly when she realized it was in Russian. He seemed to forget she didn’t understand him. It didn’t matter. She knew what he was saying from his tone—that he was there, that he loved her.
For the first time, the thought didn’t terrify her.
Sometime later, Julia dressed, although she had trouble holding back the tears. She finished before Alek did and wandered into the kitchen, intent on starting a pot of coffee. She stopped short when she caught sight of a woman working in her kitchen.
“Good morning,” the woman said, struggling with the language. “I am Anna, Alek’s sister.”
Seven
“Hello, Anna.” Julia had forgotten Alek’s sister was coming that morning. “Welcome to America.”
“Thank you.” Alek’s sister was small and thin with brown hair woven into a braid. Her eyes were so like Alek’s, it was as if Julia were staring into her husband’s own dark gaze. Her smile was warm and friendly and despite this awkward beginning, Julia liked her immediately.
“My English is poor, but I’m studying every day.”
“I’m sure you’ll do just fine,” Julia said, wondering why Anna was staring at her.
“I will cook your breakfast.”
“Thank you.”
“Eggs and toast?”
“Yes, please,” Julia answered and hurried into the bathroom. By the time she entered the kitchen, she understood Anna’s concern. There’d been tears in her eyes, and Alek’s sister must have assumed they’d been arguing. Julia hoped to find a way to reassure her that wasn’t the case.
Her breakfast was on the table. Generally she ate on the run, usually picking up a container of orange juice and a muffin at the local convenience store on her drive to the office. When Alek had suggested they hire his sister as a housekeeper and cook, Julia had readily agreed. It was a way of helping his family. A way of repaying her debt to him. A way of eating regular meals herself.
It wasn’t until she sampled the fluffiest, most delicious scrambled eggs she’d ever tasted that Julia realized Anna was the one doing her and Alek the favor.
She was reading over the morning paper when Alek appeared in the kitchen, smartly dressed. He poured himself a cup of coffee while his sister spoke enthusiastically in Russian.
“English,” Julia heard him say. “You must speak English.”
“This country is so beautiful.”
“Yes,” Alek agreed, pulling out the chair across from Julia and sitting down. She ignored him, concentrating on the paper.
“Did you phone the hospital?” Alek asked.
“Yes…there’s been no change. I’m going into the office this morning.”
“You’ll let me know if you hear anything?”
“Of course.”
His eyes met hers and he smiled. Julia found herself responding, treasuring this understanding between them, this sense of trust they’d stumbled upon. But it frightened her. When Alek recognized her reserve, he sighed and mumbled something she didn’t catch.
Anna responded to him in Russian. Naturally Julia couldn’t understand the words, but it sounded very much as if her sister-in-law was upset with him. She offered Julia a sympathetic look as she hurried out the door.
Alek returned his attention to Julia. “She thinks I caused your tears this morning. Suffice it to say, she wasn’t pleased with me.”
“Did you tell her about Ruth?”
“No. Not yet.”
“But—”
Alek leaned forward to place his finger on her lips. “Don’t worry about my sister. Or me.”
It was a mistake to go into the office; Julia realized that almost immediately. There were several pressing matters that needed to be taken care of before she could spend any more time at the hospital. Appointments to reschedule, work to delegate. Julia resented every minute away from her grandmother. She found herself impatient to get back to the hospital. Her relationship with Alek concerned her, too.
Sitting at her desk, Julia supported her face on her hands. She’d been so sure this marriage would never work. Now she wasn’t sure of anything. She needed Alek, and he’d come to her, held her, comforted her. She’d given him plenty of reasons to turn away from her. But when the opportunity came to comfort her, he’d come, willingly, unselfishly.
Each day, Julia felt herself weakening a little more, giving in to the attraction she felt for Alek. Every day he found some small way of dismantling the protective barrier around her heart. He was slowly, methodically, exposing her to the warming rays of the sun.
And yet…Julia wanted to shout that she didn’t need a man in her life, didn’t want a husband. Silently she did, forcing his image from her mind—with only limited success.
It was while she was trying not to think of Alek, to concentrate on the tasks before her, that he casually strolled into her office.
“I thought we should talk,” he said, dropping into a chair as if he had every right to be there.
“About what?” She pretended to be absorbed in reading her latest batch of correspondence.
“Last night.”
He sounded so flippant, so glib, as if their sleeping in the same bed had all been part of his game plan from the start. She’d conveniently fallen into his scheme without realizing it. His attitude infuriated her.
“It was a mistake,” she informed him sharply. “One that won’t be repeated.”
“I suppose it was too much to hope you’d think otherwise,” he said with a beleaguered sigh. “If you don’t want to accept the truth, then I’ll say it for you. It felt good to hold you in my arms, Julia. I’m here if you need me. I’ll always be here for you. If you believe nothing else about me, believe this.”
Julia felt her chest tighten as he stood and, without waiting for her to comment, walked out of her office. She didn’t understand this man she’d married, and wasn’t sure she ever would. She’d rewarded his kindness by cheating him out of the kind of marriage he’d expected, the marriage she’d agreed to. She’d insulted him and hurt his pride. Not once, but time and again.
Julia didn’t want to love Alek. Love frightened her more than any other emotion, even pain. She pulled a little more inside herself, blocking Alek from her heart, because it was only then that she felt safe.
Removing the slim gold band from her finger, she stared at it. She put it back on her finger, wondering if she’d ever understand Alek, then doubted it was possible when she had yet to understand herself.
She spent nearly two hours clearing her desk and her schedule before she was free to leave for the hospital.
Her heart grew heavy as she walked down the long corridor that led to her grandmother’s room. She didn’t stop at the nurses’ station, didn’t ask to talk to Ruth’s physician. Instead she went directly to the woman who’d helped her through the most difficult period of her life.
As Julia silently opened the door and stepped inside, she felt tears burn the backs of her eyes. Her grandmother appeared to be asleep. Ruth’s face was pale, but she seemed more at peace now, as if the pain had passed.
Tentatively Julia stepped over to her grandmother’s bed and took her hand. She held it to her own cheek and pressed it there. Slowly Julia closed her eyes.
As soon as she did, it felt as if Ruth were awake, waiting to speak with her.
“Don’t be sad,” Ruth seemed to be saying. “I don’t want you to grieve for me. I’ve lived a good, long life. You were my joy. God’s special gift to me.”
“No, please,” Julia pleaded silently. “Don’t leave me, please don’t leave.”
“Julia, my child. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t cling to the past. Look instead to the future. You have a husband who adores you and children waiting to be born. Your life is just beginning. So much love awaits you, more joy than you can possibly imagine now. Your pain shall reap an abundant harvest of life’s treasures. Trust me in this.”
“Treasures,” Julia whispered. She couldn’t look past the present moment to think about the future. Not when her heart was breaking.
Tears ran unrestrained down her face and she felt her grandmother’s presence reaching out to comfort her, a last farewell before she set out on the journey before her.
Julia didn’t know how long she stood there, holding on to Ruth’s hand. She realized as she looked up at the monitor registering her grandmother’s heartbeat that it had gone silent. Ruth had quietly slipped from life into death with no fuss, no ceremony, as if she’d been awaiting Julia’s arrival so she could leave peacefully.
Julia had known it would be impossible to prepare herself emotionally for this moment. Ruth’s death wasn’t a shock; she’d been ill for years. Julia had been aware that each day could be her grandmother’s last. She’d accepted the inevitability of Ruth’s passing as best she could. But nothing could have prepared her for the grief that slammed against her now. Nothing.
Collapsing into the chair, Julia cried out, the sound a low, anguished wail as she swayed back and forth.
A nurse came, so did a doctor and several other health professionals. Julia didn’t move. She couldn’t. The sobs racked her shoulders and she hid her face in her hands. And slowly rocked with grief.