Her eyes shut tightly. “Ethan,” she says, clutching my shoulders, her nails piercing through the fabric of my shirt and into my skin. The roughness of her touch surprises me and adds fuels to my very eager body. Before I even know what I’m doing, I stand up, disconnecting our kiss.
Her breath falters and her cheeks turn a little pink as she opens her eyes, like she’s embarrassed. Before she can say anything, I grab her by the hips, digging my fingers into her skin, and swiftly pick her up. I’ve never been much of a carrying-a-girl-around kind of guy, but I’m feeling different with her. I want to hold her, hug her, have her so damn close to me that I can’t tell where she starts and I begin. Every inch of my body is blazing, adrenaline spiking as it crashes through my body. I’m light-headed, burning up, wanting her more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. Feelings soar inside me, ones I knew existed but refused to fully feel before. I seal our lips together before any words can be uttered and before I can start analyzing what this is going to mean.
I kiss her deeply and passionately as I carry her back to my bedroom, feeling my way blindly down the hallway, bumping us into walls and into door frames. I interlace my fingers around the back of her, bearing her weight as she latches on to me by crossing her ankles behind my back. She keeps groaning, her tongue tangling forcefully with mine, sending my body into a spiraling frenzy of yearning, need, and ultimately fear of how much I want to be with her and not London anymore. I want Lila more than anything at the moment. I trip over some stuff on my floor and manage to bang my hip into the one of my drums, and then I finally stumble into the bed. We bounce when we hit the mattress and she laughs against my lips but keeps her eyes shut.
I pull back a little and her eyelids flutter open. She looks perplexed and lost, among a thousand other emotions that probably match my own.
“What?” she asks, self-consciously. Her legs are still fastened around me and her arms are locked around my neck. “Is something… is something wrong?”
A thousand things are wrong, I want to say. I’m feeling too much for you, Lila. I can’t do this. I’m getting too caught up in you and if I keep going eventually we’ll hate each other. I’ll break you. Ruin you—us. I’ll mess up. But my voice refuses to work and so I kiss her instead. Fiercely. Forcefully. With heat, desire, and hunger suffocating both of us as we drown in each other’s feelings. Our bodies align and press together as I kiss her with all the pent-up energy I’ve been collecting since the first day we met. I’ve lost all control over my actions. Rules don’t exist. The past and the future dissolve and only this moment exists.
Between deep kisses and throaty moans, I manage to get my filthy work shirt over my head and I toss it on the floor. Her eyes snap open as I lower myself down onto her and she gasps. She traces her fingers up my chest, her fingers shaking, and I realize how nervous she is. Maybe she doesn’t want this. Maybe she’s just doing it because she’s afraid to say no. I’m worried she’s going to shut down like the last time we ended up on the bed touching each other.
“Lila,” I start, conflicted, because if she does reject me, it’s going to hurt. “Are you okay with this? I mean, you… do you want this?”
Her lips part and her breath falters as she curves her body into mine, a sea of emotions pouring through her eyes. “I do… but if you… if you don’t want to then you can stop.” She seems to be struggling with words as she gets lost in whatever she’s feeling.
It’s not the answer I’m expecting. And she looks so fucking nervous, almost like she’s having sex for the first time. I’m not sure what to do, but then she props herself up on her elbows, bringing her mouth to mine, and sucks my bottom lip into her mouth as she closes her eyes, and I feel her entire body shudder beneath me.
“Shit… Lila…” I groan as she grazes her teeth down the inside of my lip. My eyes shut involuntarily as I dip my head down and our lips collide roughly, to the point where I wonder if we’re going to have bruises.
I move my arms to the sides of her head to support my weight as she keeps pressing her chest against mine, like she’s starved—been starved forever. Our tongues tangle as I slip my knee between her legs, causing her to clutch on to my upper arms. Her fingernails jab into my skin as her body scoots down a little and meets the top of my leg. She starts rubbing against my leg, her eyes glazed and her expression hitting a euphoric state. I lose it completely and shove my hand up the front of her shirt, slipping it beneath her bra. I rub the pad of my thumb over her nipple and it instantly hardens as she whimpers, her entire body quivering as she continues to rub herself against my leg. I’m blown away. I’ve never enjoyed seeing a girl so responsive to my touch, but maybe that’s because how I feel about Lila is very different from how I’ve felt before. It’s different. We’re different. I’m different.
I keep rubbing her nipple as she grinds against me, her head tipped back, and I know she’s close. So am I. Fuck. Really, really close.
“Harder,” she breathes as I watch her on the verge of falling apart.
I give her what she wants and pinch her nipple harder. She groans loudly in response, her entire body rising up as she gasps in ecstasy. I’m on the brink of losing it myself and work hard to stay in control. After a moment of panting, she lies flat beneath me. Her skin is beading with sweat, her expression content, and she’s more beautiful than ever. Her hair is scattered above her head, her skin damp, her breathing ragged.
“That was good,” she says and breathes in and out, her chest moving up and down. “God, that was really good.”
“The best you’ve ever had?” I try to joke, but my voice comes out breathless in reaction to the fact that I’m hard as hell and it’s actually starting to hurt.
She shakes her head from side to side. “I can’t even compare it to anything… I’ve never felt anything like it before.”
I’m still cupping her breast and I can feel her heart racing and I count each beat to calm myself down. “I’m not sure what you mean.”
She shakes her head. “Neither am I and it doesn’t matter.” She leans in to kiss me and her whole body starts trembling before she even reaches my lips.
I’m worried she might be going into shock or something over what just happened with Parker. I bring my hand out of her bra and cup her cheek. “Maybe we should stop,” I say, searching her eyes for what she’s really thinking.
Her eyes widen in horror. “Oh my God, you don’t want to.” She starts to roll to the side to move away, but I put my arm next to her so she can’t get too far.
“That’s not what I’m saying,” I tell her as she turns her head to look at me. “I want to, Lila… God, I want to so fucking badly. In fact, I’m pretty sure you can feel how bad I want to.”
Her cheeks turn a little pink, shocking me again. “Yeah, kind of.”
I fight back a smile. “I’m just worried you’re in shock over what happened with Parker and maybe you’re not thinking clearly.”
“I’m thinking more clearly than I ever have,” she insists. “I want this. I want you.”
“Are you sure? Because I don’t—”
She cuts me off, tracing her fingers up the front of my chest. “Yes… God, yes, I’m sure,” she says, her voice alarmingly off pitch. “Please don’t make me beg, Ethan. Please. I can’t… I don’t… I never wanted to be with anyone like this before. Ever.”
I let out a slow, tension-filled breath, fighting the urge to rip her clothes off, needing to be sure where she stands. And where I stand. Where the hell do we stand? “I’m just trying to be a good guy here, Lila, but you’re making it really…” I trail off as her fingers reach the top of my jeans. “Really… really… difficult.”
“Good,” she says and then rises up on her elbows and crashes her mouth against mine. Her movement is sloppy and very inexperienced, the kind of kiss that carries doubt. She’s throwing herself out there in front of me, and despite how terrified I am about what this move will mean for us I decide to do the same thing and kiss her back with equal, if not more, desire.
We kiss until our lips are swollen, until our bodies are covered in sweat, and then I sit up, only so I can take her shirt off and reach around to unclasp her bra. Then I lean back and take in her body. She’s beautiful, amazing and nearly perfect, except for the scars on her stomach. But in a way it almost makes her more perfect, because it shows she’s flawed and real. I just wish I knew where she got them from, wish I understood her better.
I trace my finger along her scar and she shuts her eyes, looking like it’s hurting her. My hand travels upward to her breast and grazes her nipple and she sucks in a sharp breath.
“This feels so good,” she whispers, breathless as she brings her hands up to my shoulders. Cupping my shoulder blades, she draws me down to her so our chests are pressing together. She inhales and exhales, like she’s savoring the moment and I lean down and kiss her neck, softly at first, but the more excited and breathy she gets the rougher my kisses become. I make a trail of kisses to her breast and then I suck her nipple into my mouth, tracing circles around it with my tongue. She cries out my name and it makes my heart pump with adrenaline. I can’t take it anymore. She’s driving my heart and body crazy. I pull back and kick my shorts and boxers off and to the side, and then I unbutton her shorts and practically rip them to get them off her. I reach for a condom in my nightstand, feeling this new sensation build up inside me.
I want Lila. Just her. No one else. I want to be with her.
Seconds later, I slip inside her, knowing that whatever we had before will forever be changed. I know when it’s over she’ll mean more to me than any other girl ever has. The surprising thing is, I really don’t care. In fact, I’m glad.
Chapter Fourteen