The road is flooded with puddles and the windshield wipers are cranked on high as I drive away from the bridge. Every time the thunder and lightning snaps, I jump, but Ella stays still, nearly motionless. When she does move, it’s only to mess around with the iPod. She skims through the song list forever, her fingers fumbling over the buttons. She keeps shivering but when I ask her if she’s cold she shakes her head. Finally she selects a song: “This Place Is a Prison,” by The Postal Service. Then she slouches back in the seat, leans her head back against the headrest, and stares at the ceiling as the song plays through the speakers.
I continue to drive until I reach the side road that weaves out to a secluded area surrounded by trees and nestled near the edge of the lake. The road is a muddy mess and I’m worried that we’re going to get stuck. But somehow I manage to make it to our spot, the one Ella and I always go to be alone—to be with each other. I park the car so it’s facing the dark water and leave the headlights on. The water ripples against the raindrops as the wipers move back and forth across the windshield.
“Tell me what you’re thinking?” I finally say, not staring at the lake.
“I’m thinking I should have jumped,” she says emotionlessly.
Something snaps inside me and I lose it. “No, you fucking don’t!” I ram my fist against the top of the wheel and she jumps, lifting her head up, and stares at me with wide eyes. “You don’t want to be dead, so stop saying it.” My voice softens as I reach over and tuck strands of wet hair behind her ear. “You’re just confused.”
“No, I’m not,” she protests. “I know exactly what I’m thinking.” But I can tell she doesn’t by the glossiness of her eyes, the vastness of her pupils, and the fact that she’s struggling to keep her eyelids open. “I don’t want to be here anymore, Micha.”
“With me?” I choke, cupping her cheek.
She swallows hard, her eyes scanning mine. “I don’t know.”
“But I thought you knew exactly what you were thinking?” I say, not sure if I’m going about this the right way, but it’s the only way I know how.
“All I know is that I don’t want to feel this.” She slams her hand over her chest, a little too hard. Her eyes are wildly big, filled with fear and panic as her chest heaves for air. “I don’t want to feel all this pain and guilt.”
“What happened to your mother wasn’t your fault.” I place a very unsteady hand over hers, worried I’m going to fuck this up. I’m stunned by how rapidly her heart is beating, thrashing against our hands. She’s probably got so much adrenaline pouring through she’s lightheaded.
“That’s not what my dad and Dean say,” she whispers, pulling her hand away and forcing mine to fall from her chest.
“Your dad and your brother are fucking assholes,” I tell her firmly, leaning over the console. “And it doesn’t matter what they think—no one else matters but you and me. Remember, you and me against the world.”
Her eyelids shut and then flutter open again. “You’re always saying that.”
“Because I mean it. I don’t care about anything else. I could lose anyone else and make it through. But not you, Ella May. I can’t do this without you.”
A few tears fall down her cheeks. “I hate myself.”
“Ella, God damn it, don’t say—”
“No!” she shouts, jerking away from me and huddling against the door. “I fucking hate myself! I do! And I wish you’d just see what I really am. You’re always seeing more in me than what there really is…” She drifts off as more tears spill out and she scans the outside of the car, the trees, the water, the rain, like she’s contemplating running. “If you’d just let me go, you’d be happier.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” I ball my hands to keep from touching her because I know it’s going to set her off more. “I…” I blow out an uneven breath, knowing that what I’m about to say is going to change everything, even if she won’t remember it in the morning. I will. I can’t go back from it and honestly I don’t fucking want to. “I fucking love you. Don’t you get that?” I unclench my hands and stretch my arm over to her, grabbing her arm as she shakes her head. “I love you.” My voice softens. “And no matter what happens, with you or me—with us—I’m always going to love you.”
Her shoulders start to heave and she gives in to my hold, allowing me to pull her over the console and onto my lap. Then I wrap my arm around her and cradle her head against my chest as she sobs into my wet shirt. I smoothe my hand down her head, each sob tearing at my heart. I stare out into the rain, watching it splash against the lake, feeling so helpless. I wish I could take all of her pain and guilt away. She doesn’t deserve this—she doesn’t deserve anything. What she does deserve is someone to love her unconditionally, which I’ve been trying to do for a while, if she’d just let me. I need to find a way.
“Micha.” The sound of her strained voice jerks me back to reality.
When I glance down at her, she’s looking up like she’s lost and has no idea where she is as she clutches onto my shirt. I know she’s probably going to fall asleep soon and when morning rolls around there’s a good chance she won’t remember any of this.
I trace a finger underneath her eyes, wiping the tears away. “Yeah, baby?”
She takes a deep breath and then she’s pulling on my shirt, forcing me to get close to her. “I love you, too,” she whispers and then she presses her lips against mine. She kisses me briefly, but it’s enough that I feel it all the way through me. I clutch on to her as I kiss her back with every ounce of emotion I have in me, wishing it could be just like this all the time. But just as quickly as it all began, it stops as she leans away and settles back in my arms. Moments later, she’s asleep.
I listen to the rhythm of her breathing and the longer I sit there holding her, the fiercer my heart beats, and no matter how hard I try to keep them back, eventually tears escape my eyes. My head falls forward against the steering wheel and I cry quietly through the sounds of the rain. Crying for her. For the life she was handed. Because I’m so in love with her it hurts me to see her like this. Because I know when morning comes, there’s a good chance she won’t remember this.
Because I’m afraid I’m going to lose her forever.
Chapter 11
Ella
When Micha finishes telling me what happened, I lay quietly on the bed with him, my head right over his heart. It’s beating faster than it normally does and I wonder if he’s feeling what he felt that night. The fear I put in him and whatever else was going through his head at the moment.
“I can’t remember any of that,” I say, looking up at him. “I think it was the combination of the pills and my… my anxiety. Things sometimes get blurry when I go to that place.”
“I know,” he says, staring down at me. “Like I said, I knew that night there would be a good chance you wouldn’t remember any of it. I just thought that I’d never see you again after it happened.”
Silence stretches between us as I struggle to remember and he struggles to forget.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him because it’s the only thing I can think of to say. There are no words that could possibly even begin to explain to him how bad I feel for putting him through that and for me doing it to begin with. It still hurts to even think about it, how I was about to throw everything away—everything I have with Micha now. “I really am.”
He moves me with him as he sits up. “You don’t have to be sorry for something that happened a few years ago—something that wasn’t even in your control.”
“Running away was.”
“You know, I thought so at first, but now I don’t think that’s entirely true. I think sometimes in life shit happens and people have to do what they can to move past it.” The corners of his mouth tug upward into a sad smile. “For you, that was running away and for me… with my father, it was deciding it was better to let him go.”
“But I came back.” I tuck my legs under me and kneel up between his legs. “Well, I came back for summer break because I had to, but now I’m back, for the most part.”
“I know.” His fingers spread across my cheek. “It’s called healing, Ella May.”
“I guess it is,” I agree. “But you wouldn’t let your father back into your life, even if he tried.”
His thumb grazes my bottom lip. “I’ve got everyone I need in my life. My mom. You. Even Ethan and Lila. That’s more than a lot of people have.” His hand leaves my lips and he threads his fingers through mine so the O-ring on his finger is pressed against my engagement ring. “Besides, I have you forever. And one day we’ll have our own family and that’s what will matter in the end.”
I’m not sure what kind of face I make, but he definitely notes a shift as I move to the edge of the bed.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, sitting up straight and sliding his long legs over the edge of the bed and his feet onto the floor.
I wanted to prepare myself for this talk, about our future, where we’re going, but now it’s kind of unavoidable because he said our own family… Shit. Does he mean kids and everything? “I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you about that.”
“About what? Having you forever, or having a family of our own?”
“Um…” I swallow hard. “The last part.”
“About having a family.” He speaks slowly and cautiously like he’s afraid he’s going to scare me.
“Yeah, sort of…” I struggle to talk about a subject that makes me feel so uneasy. “I mean, where are we even going?”
He looks puzzled. “I’m not sure I’m following you, pretty girl.”