“Too bad. You have me with you right now, and I’m not going anywhere. Why do you suddenly not want to have kids? I understand wanting to wait until after we are married, but you kept making it longer and longer until you tell me you don’t know if you want kids. When did this change?”
“I don’t know, okay? I. Don’t. Know. You see me with little kids and your mind instantly goes to us having kids. You know where mine went? Exactly where it’s been going the last couple months. The fact that I won’t have my mom there with me when I go through pregnancies, and having babies, and taking care of toddlers, and dealing with teenagers with bad attitudes! I don’t have her here to plan our wedding, she wasn’t there when I bought my dress, she won’t be there for anything, Kash, do you understand that?” Her temper flared out quickly and tears filled her eyes. “I’ve already been having a hard time with that, but today as I sat there and listened to Ava ask your aunts and mom dozens of questions, I realized I’m terrified of not having my mom there to call and ask questions when we have kids. What if I do it all wrong?”
“Babe,” I crooned and moved my hands to brush my thumbs across her cheeks. “You’re going to be a great mom whenever we have kids, you won’t do it wrong, and you’ll have my mom there if you have questions.”
“I know, and I’ll have Janet. But it won’t be the same.” Her eyes fluttered shut when a few tears dropped down her face and into her hair. “They were supposed to be here for everything.”
“I’m so sorry, Rachel.” Squeezing myself between her and the back of the couch, I turned her and pulled her against my chest. I hadn’t known what to expect just then, but I had no idea she’d been struggling with not having her parents here for all of this, and felt like a jackass for not knowing. I should have known. “I’m sorry they aren’t here, but you have a lot of people who love you and are here for you. They won’t make up for your parents, I know that, and so do they. But they’re here for you, and I’m always here for you.”
She nodded against my chest and took a shuddering breath in.
“And you never leave when you’re upset. Okay? We always talk things out.”
“ ’Kay.”
Kissing the top of her head, I pulled her up until I could see her face. “I’ll lay off the baby talk, and I’m sorry for pushing that on you. I got carried away with seeing you like that today. But from now on, will you talk to me about what’s going on so we don’t have to go through this again? I should have known this would be a hard time for you, and I’m sorry I didn’t. Next time, though, please tell me. I can’t help you if I don’t know, and if we can avoid what just happened, I’d prefer that.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I just let it all get to me and I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t excited about getting married, because I am. It’s hard without them, but I am happy, I swear.”
“I know you are, Rachel. I never questioned that.”
She nodded and blinked slowly a few times before resting her head next to mine.
Rachel was so strong willed and always exuding her fiery attitude, which I loved, that I’d stopped looking for signs of anything being wrong. I swore to myself right then that I would never forget just how fragile she could be, and to never miss another sign from her. She was strong, but I needed to be stronger for us.
“Come on, sweetheart, let’s go to bed. We can talk more about this tomorrow.”
4
Rachel
“CANDICE, I’M SO SERIOUS, one of these days you’re going to get pregnant and you’re going to have no clue who the father is.” I laughed sadly and flopped down onto the couch as a horrified gasp filled my ear.
“I am not about to have little Candices running around. You know I’m careful, and you don’t have room to talk about being safe, Miss We-don’t-use-condoms.”
Oh Lord, I didn’t even want to tell her about the pseudo-fight Kash and I had about condoms and birth control pills a couple weeks ago. “I’m only with Kash, though! You probably can’t even count how many guys you’re with right now.” I could picture her face as she tried to remember everyone and shook my head. “I’ll take your silence as confirmation that you can’t.”
“Whatever, I’m having fun.”
“Obviously, that was never a—” I sucked in a large breath as something cold, wet, and fluffy covered my face. “Kash!” He barked out a laugh as I wiped the whipped cream away from my eyes and sent a look of death his way, making him laugh louder.
He smiled widely, and I hated him for that smile at that moment. “You look adorable.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
He shook the can in the air, just in case I’d missed it being in his hand the first time. “Ice cream time.”
“I’m on the phone!”
“Yeah, and it’s time for you to get off.”
“You—are you . . . ooo I want to punch you in the face right now.” Candice was laughing loud enough for both of us to hear from where I’d dropped my phone on the couch, and when I reached for my phone, Kash took a step toward me with the can raised. “You wait!” Holding my hand up to stop him, I grabbed my phone and spoke slowly. “Candi, I have to go kill my fiancé now, I’ll call you later.”
“Have fun! Don’t hurt him too much, love you!”