“Exactly!” She took one last draw and then put the cigarette out. “God, why are we girls so stupid?”
I fell in step beside her, keeping my arms wrapped around me. “Good question.”
“I mean, I totally know he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, that all he wants is sex, and he’s usually a little drunk and yet I still go over there. Seriously?”
“Do you want to be in a relationship?”
Her lips pursed as she pulled her knit cap down over her ears. “You know, I don’t think so.”
I frowned. “Then why are you so upset because he doesn’t want to be.”
“Because he should want to be in a relationship with me! I’m friggin’ awesome.”
Fighting a grin, I glanced at her. “You are awesome.”
Brit smiled. I’d met Jimmie a couple of times around campus with Brit. He seemed like a pretty okay guy, but I really believed she could do better than some guy that only called her when he was drunk. So I told her that.
“And that’s why we’re friends,” she responded, wiggling her arm through mine. “Man, where did fall go? It’s like winter came out of nowhere and bitch smacked us.”
“I know.” I shuddered as we stopped at the intersection. “I feel sorry for the kids who are about to go trick or treating tomorrow night. They’re going to freeze.”
“Fuck the kids,” she said, causing me to giggle. “I’m dressing as an angel—a slutty angel.”
“Of course.”
“And that means I’m basically wearing lingerie. My nipples will probably freeze and fall off. Speaking of which, don’t think I haven’t noticed how you’ve been avoiding the whole party topic.”
I had no idea how she went from frozen nipples to that.
Outside of the register’s office, she pinned me with a look. “You have to go with us. Everyone is going to be there.”
Looking away, I watched campus police doing a car unlock for an unlucky person. “I don’t know. Not big on Halloween parties.”
“You’re not big on any parties. Come on, you’ve got to come. I need you there. Jimmie will be there and I’ll need you to punch me in the vagina.”
I laughed. “I’m sure Jacob will gladly do that for you.”
“It’s not the same! He doesn’t understand and gives the worst advice. He’d probably tell me to go hook up with him,” she protested, and I had to imagine that was true. “You have to come. Please. Pretty please.”
My resolve to not even consider this party started to crack. Jacob had been talking about it all week. Last night, as Cam and I were finishing up our assignment and in-between him asking me out, he even brought up the party his friend Jase was throwing. Jase was a year younger than Cam and pretty high up in one of the frats, which one I couldn’t remember. I’d seen Cam with him a couple of times, but we’d never spoken. Not that any of that mattered, because even considering going to this party had the beginnings of an ulcer forming in my stomach.
“I got to head in here and take care of the stupid scheduling for next semester.”
She’d been having a hell of a time getting classes. I’d been lucky and got into all the classes I’d wanted. “Are you going to cut a bitch?”
“Maybe.” Brit gave me a quick hug. “Thank you for walking me here.”
“No problem.” I was done for the day, so I didn’t have much else to do.
She started up the wide steps but turned around. “Think about the party. Please? You need to go, not just for me, it will be fun. You’ll get to let loose a little. Okay?”
I took a deep breath. “I’ll think about it.”
“Like really think about?” When I nodded, she said, “Promise?”
“Promise.”
Brit headed into the building and I was probably going to be heading to the store to get some Tums. I was going to need them.
There were times in my life when I knew what I was thinking was wrong. Knowing that didn’t make things any easier. Going to a Halloween party shouldn’t have me sitting in my moon chair with a bottle of Tums beside me and a carton of Ben & Jerry’s Rocky Road in my hands.
A half empty carton of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
I felt like I was well on my way to becoming the neighborhood cat lady. All I needed was the cats.
Shortly after leaving campus, I had gotten a text from Cam about the party. He wanted me to go. Brit wanted me to go. Jacob wanted me to go. I wanted to go, but….
Groaning, I put the lid on the ice cream and shoved to my feet. I was nineteen years old. Living on my own. I told my mother to suck it and I actually hugged Cam and told him that I missed him. Going to this party shouldn’t be that big of a deal. It was about time that I did something like this. If I didn’t do it now, would I ever do it?
Probably not.
I put the ice cream away and then moved onto the spray bottle stashed under the sink. Spraying the surface of everything in my kitchen, I started cleaning with a wicked vengeance.
I could do it.
My heart flopped in my chest and it felt like my stomach had dropped to my feet.
No, I couldn’t.
Scrubbing the counter by the stove, the light reflected off the silver bracelet, catching my attention. I stopped, unable to look away from something that had become a staple in my every day life. Putting the bottle down and dropping the cloth, I reached out and slid the bracelet off. Turning my arm over, I forced myself to look at the scar. I was ashamed of it, did everything in my power to hide it, but for what? Staying in my apartment, being antisocial and a general loser? Certain things were probably always going be a no go for me or insanely awkward, but going to a fucking party? Was I really that crippled by what happened, that five years later I couldn’t go to one?
I put the bracelet back on as I leaned against the counter.
I had to do this. I needed to do this. At least try to do this. My heart started its panicked thumping as I pushed off the counter and headed into the living room. I dug my phone out of my bag and before I thought about what I was doing, I opened Cam’s text from earlier and sent Okay.
A few seconds passed and then there was a text back. Incoming.
“Incoming?” What in the—?
There was a knock on my door.
Rolling my eyes, I tossed my phone on the couch and went to the door. “You didn’t have to come over.”
Cam strolled right in, twisting his cap on backward.
“Well, help yourself.”
He stopped near the kitchen and frowned. “Why does your apartment smell like Clorox?”
“I was cleaning.”
A brow went up.
“The whole kitchen,” I said sheepishly. “You know, you could’ve saved yourself the trip and just responded to the text.”
Casting me a long look, he sat on the couch. “I needed the exercise.”
Yeah, he did not need the exercise.
He patted the spot beside me. “Come sit with me.”
I stared.
“Come on.”
Muttering under my breath, I stepped over his legs and sat. “Alright, I’m sitting.”
His lashes lowered, and I felt his gaze over my mouth. Warmth spread across my cheeks, and his grin went up a notch. “So you texted me with the word okay. I’ve asked you two things today. So I’m curious to which one you’re finally agreeing to.”
I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my knees. “You asked me about the Halloween party tomorrow night.”
“Yes, I did.” He reached over and tugged on my arm until I let go of my knees. “But I asked you something else.”
My eyes narrowed.
Then he got a hand on the hem of my jeans and pulled my legs away from my chest. “I also asked you out.”
“You know the answer to that.”
He narrowed his eyes.
My lips twitched. “I was saying okay, I’ll go to the party.”
“Smart choice. It’ll be fun and you’ll have a good time.” Once I was apparently sitting to his approval, he sat back. “When do you want me to pick you up?”
I shook my head. “I’m going to drive myself.”
“Why would you do that? We live in the same building and are heading to the same place.”
“Thanks, but I’ll drive.”
He studied me a moment. “If you don’t want to go with me, then at least get a ride with Brittany.”
I said something along the lines of agreeing to that, but I wasn’t planning on that. Taking my own car meant I could leave whenever I wanted to. I needed that lifeline.
“Hey,” Cam said.
Turning my head toward him, I raised my brows. “Hi.”
“Go out with me.”
I smiled. “Shut up, Cam.”
I was so nervous that my phone felt slippery in my hand and my seatbelt felt like it was pressed too tightly against my chest. I was sitting in the parking lot, thirty minutes past the time I should’ve left for the Halloween party at Jase’s house. I’d like to say that I was just being fashionably late, but that was so not the truth.
I was like two steps from a panic attack.
“So, you didn’t get a costume?” Brit said, and over her voice, I could hear music and muffled laughter. “It’s not a big deal. There are lots of people here that aren’t dressed up.”
Well, there went that excuse. After talking to Cam last night, I’d briefly considered the idea of making a last minute run to the store to find a costume, but dressing up would probably be too much.
“Are you almost here?” Brit asked. “Because I’m lonely—hey!”
A second later, Jacob’s voice came through the phone. “Hey, girl, hey, where you at?”
I closed my eyes. “I’m getting ready to leave.”
“You better, because Brit is getting on my nerves asking for you. So get your ass here.”
“I’m coming. I’ll be there in a little bit.”
Hanging up, I tossed the phone onto the seat next to me and gripped the steering wheel. I can do this. That’s what I kept telling myself as I glanced back up at my apartment. I’d left a light on and it was like a damn beacon right now, coaxing me back to the safety that was pure boredom.
I was being stupid, totally understood that, but it didn’t change the fact that my heart was thundering in my chest or that I was nauseous. What I was experiencing wasn’t normal to anyone else, and that was the key. I didn’t want this to be normal for me.
“Fuck.”
I needed to be brave.
I knocked the car into reverse and backed out. My arms were trembling by the time I made it to the end of the road and made the left onto Route 45. Jase’s house wasn’t that far from University Heights. Only a few miles, back in a nearby subdivision where several larger frats had taken up residency.
On the drive to his house, I focused on listing as many constellations I could. Andromeda, Antlia, Apus, Aquarius, Aquila, Ara, Aries, Auriga—who came up with these names? Seriously. I’d made it to the D’s when I spotted the line of cars pouring out of a large three-story home’s driveway. Cars were everywhere, parking along the road, in the yard, and down the street. I had to end up turning around so I could park on the other side of the street, about a block down.