“When he asked, I had this flashback to the night you told me you were going to marry me—that night we planned our whole future—and all I could see was you when I told him ‘yes.’ Collin started changing that night. Just subtle things, but I think I just loved him enough that I kept excusing what he did, or making myself believe that it hadn’t really happened. Then somehow time kept passing. Right before the wedding, every time I woke from a dream of you, I had this deep sense of longing and loss. That’s when I knew that I’d chosen the wrong man. But it didn’t matter; it was too late for us. Too much time had passed, and I was getting married to a man I loved, even if I could never love him the way I loved you. I just kept telling myself that even if I had chosen you, so much had changed and there had been so much heartbreak in those months after I’d left that we never would’ve been able to go back to how we had been.”
“It never would’ve been too late for us,” I insisted.
Harlow looked at me sadly, and the hand on my cheek curled. “I know that now.”
Harlow
Fall 2012—Richland
“OH, HARLOW.”
I turned and caught sight of my dad in the doorway my mom and sisters had just walked out of.
“You look . . .” He trailed off and shook his head once. His chin quivered, and my eyes widened.
“No, no! Please don’t cry, Daddy! If you cry I’m going to ruin my makeup because you know I won’t be able to hold it in. Please don’t cry.”
“I’m not,” he said gruffly, and cleared his throat. After taking a second to look around the room to gather himself, he faced me again with a proud smile. “You look beautiful.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I whispered, and ran my shaking hands over my wedding dress.
“It’s about that time; are you ready?”
I let out a slow breath and smiled up at him. Even after swallowing past the tightness in my throat, I still couldn’t voice a word, so I nodded instead and grabbed my bouquet.
“Now, if you’re not, we can still call this whole thing off and I won’t think less of you. But I asked Hayley the same question before she got married, and I will ask Hadley, too. Are you sure you’re making the right choice?”
I felt his question like a punch to my stomach. It had to be a normal question, right? Yet it felt like it meant so much more, because I wasn’t sure. I was sure I loved Collin, but I knew I could never love him as much as I was capable of loving someone. Because I had loved someone with all that I am. I still loved that person with everything in me, and while I knew firsthand that you could love two men at the same time, you couldn’t love them equally. One might have your heart, but the other would have your soul—Knox Alexander would always have my soul.
So was I making the right choice? Maybe today, but I would always live with the knowledge that two years ago, I didn’t.
Before I could respond, my dad laughed lightly, like he’d amused himself. “What am I saying? Of course you’re sure you’re making the right choice; otherwise it would’ve been a different man waiting in the church for you.”
My brow pinched in confusion. “What? Dad, what are you talking about?”
He waved off my question. “Nothing, nothing. Are you ready?”
“No, tell me. What were you talking about?” I asked, and smiled reassuringly, hoping it would encourage him to tell me.
Dad debated with himself for a second, then finally said, “Well, a couple years ago, we all thought you would’ve married that Alexander boy.”
Knox, I thought . . . or maybe screamed. I just knew my knees were barely holding me anymore.
“When he came to me before you left for school asking if he could marry you, I didn’t know what to say. I mean you weren’t even eighteen yet, but I also didn’t think I could keep the two of you apart.”
I wasn’t sure how I was still standing. My body felt weighed down, but at the same time I was sure I was having an out-of-body experience. He’d asked for permission to marry me?
“I told him he could ask you once you were of age, but there were conditions. I wanted you to graduate first, and I wanted him to give you some space before then. I wanted you to be able to experience life without Knox always in the background. I told him if he promised to do that and kept my wishes, and after those months if you decided he was still what you wanted, then he could ask you.” Dad shrugged and a wide grin crossed his face, like he hadn’t just thrown my entire world on its side. “Next thing we know, you’re with Collin and never mention Knox again. I figure if anyone could take you from that Alexander boy, then you would have to be sure of him. And we really couldn’t be happier with Collin; your mother and I just think the world of him. I wish you would’ve waited to marry him until you graduated, but I know I don’t always get what I wish for, and you really did find a good one.”
I tried to smile and nod in acknowledgment, but I don’t know if I succeeded.
“It eases a father’s worry to know his daughter is loved and will be well cared for. Now, what do you say we start this thing?” he asked, oblivious to the devastation I was feeling.
“Uh, yeah, I just need one minute, Dad. I’ll meet you in the lobby.”
His carefree smile suddenly slipped, and his brow furrowed.
“I just realized I forgot to put my garter on,” I lied quickly. “Really, I’ll be right out.”
He made a face that suggested he would’ve preferred not knowing, and turned to leave the room I was in.
The second the door shut, the pained cry I’d been holding back burst from my chest. The room spun and my stomach churned as my dad’s words replayed in my mind, as if they were taunting me.
Experience life without Knox always in the background.
If he promised to do that and kept my wishes . . . he could ask you.
Experience life without Knox always in the background.
If he promised to do that and kept my wishes . . . he could ask you.
Guilt flooded my veins, burning and choking me as it surged through me.
Knox had waited for me.
I hadn’t waited for him . . . and now it was too late.
Knox
Present Day—Richland
HARLOW’S FINGERS MOVED down my cheek and traced over my lips when she finished telling me the story. “I’ve never hated myself more than I did in that moment. Guilt felt like a living thing inside me. Then Collin and I got married, and I met my monster for the first time that night. I quickly found out there was nothing left of Collin to love.”