I didn’t want to, not when things with Shaw were weird and not after my mom had made her feelings about me so clear, but there wasn’t much I would deny my brother and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him when he asked me to please do it. I growled a lot of really dirty words and let my head fall backwards.
“Let me know when and where. I’ll tell Shaw but you can’t get pissed and go back to the war all mad if mom does what she tends to do and makes it ugly.”
“I don’t understand why we can’t all just be a goddamn family for once. I really don’t feel like that’s too much to ask.”
“You’re right, it’s not and I will do my part. Okay?”
“Thanks bro, you’re only half as bad as everyone thinks.”
“Shut up.” I laughed and went back to my drawing. “Just so you know I’m going to miss having your bossy ass around.”
He walked over to me and put me in a head lock. I struggled in vain trying to get loose but he was just too big and easily manhandled me.
“I’m going to miss your smart mouth and shitty attitude as well. Though this hair you have going on is stupid and not at all you so I won’t miss that one bit.” He finally released me when I got a solid fist into his ribs. He let me go with a grunt and I pushed the nondescript locks out of my face.
“You’re just worried that when I have normal looking hair that people will start to realize I’m so much better looking than you.”
He lunged for me again and we wrestled around for a little bit like we used to do when we were kids, only now Rome was giant and had a solid fifty pounds on me so it wasn’t much of a fight. He left with a promise to call and order something for dinner and it gave me a small measure of satisfaction to notice he was rubbing his ribs on his way out.
I pulled my phone at and stared at the screen. I hated that I was struggling with what I wanted to say to Shaw, that I was worrying over what words to use. I was so used to just saying and doing whatever I wanted that this controlled and locked down version of myself was getting old before it even started. I wrote out a quick message:
- Rome just got his medical release. He’s going back to the desert on Monday.
I figured since she was working that she wouldn’t respond right away plus it wasn’t like we had been engaging in any kind of deep philosophical conversations as of late.
- Oh no! Are you okay?
I’d already lost one brother so the idea that my remaining one had a job that constantly placed him in jeopardy most definitely meant I was not okay, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Rome’s sense of duty was part of what made him who he was and I respected it and respected him far too much to let my feelings cloud any of the fleeting time we spent together.
- I’ve been better but he seems okay with it so what else is there to do?
- Do you need me to come over after work?
- I thought you had homework.
- I do but if you need me it can wait.
I did need her. I wanted to hold her and love all up on her but not because she was feeling sorry for me but because she wanted to be with me too. I glared at the phone and at how complicated things seemed to have turned overnight.
- Naw I’m straight, but he wants to do a family dinner with EVERYBODY before he leaves. He’s going to have dad set it up.
- How’s that going to work with things between you and Margot?
- Not just me, you’re coming too.
- I’m not worried about me.
- Rome seems to think that since he’s shipping back out she’ll behave if he asks her to but I have my doubts. He thinks if we do it some place public she’ll behave.
- It’s so sad you guys even have to worry about that in the first place.
- Not the only one with family problems Casper.
- No you’re not.
- Have a good night.
There was a long pause and I didn’t think she was going to say anything back but after about five minutes my phone beeped with a new message.
- I miss you Rule.
I didn’t know what to say to that because I wasn’t the one pulling away for once and I was right here so I just clicked the screen back off and went back to my drawing.
The next night I was the one blowing off spending time with Shaw because I decided it was a great idea to take Rome out and at least attempt to get him laid before he went back overseas only I ended up face down in a fifth of Crown and seeing double so I’m pretty sure I failed and ended up being the worse wingman ever. Rome and Nash dropped me on the bed after practically carrying me home and it wasn’t until well after eleven the next morning when I was attempting to shower and fake being human enough to show for work that I noticed I had three missed calls and five missed messages from Shaw. They were all variations on the same thing, where are you, what are you doing, why aren’t you answering, should I come by, are you going to come by? They all made me cringe and swear. I felt guilty as hell because had things not been so strained between us I would have just called her before I left or asked her to come with, but last night I had enjoyed just being my normal self and not putting any effort into being anybody’s perfect anything.
I was about to try and call her to explain when Rome came out of the hallway bathroom running a towel over his head. “You alive?”
“Barely. I need to call Shaw. I was too messed up last night to let her know what was going on.”
He gave me a sharp look. “I already called her. She texted me last night wondering what you were up to so I told her you were loaded and out of control. She sounds sad, worse than that she sounds sad because of you.”
I growled a little and rested my elbows on the kitchen counter. “I know but I don’t know what I did wrong. I almost beat her ex to death in a parking lot and realized if I was going to act like a caveman I was going to lose her and not be around to protect her so I’ve been minding all my p’s and q’s and let me tell ya I had no idea how many of those little fuckers there were and ever since I started she’s been acting like I cheated on her or did some other horrible thing.”
“Rule, she liked you just fine when your p’s and q’s were all over the map. Stop trying to be something you aren’t and just let her love you. It’s not hard, besides dad called and dinner is tonight at Ruth Chris downtown at six. I already told Shaw so unless you want to grovel and apologize then you don’t need to call her.”
“They’re coming here?”
“Dad thought it would be good for mom. He thought maybe getting her out of Brookside would break some of that hold the past has on her.”
“I guess we’ll see.”
“Rule,” I turned to look at him and was struck by the sincerity in his eyes. “Thank you for doing this for me. I know it isn’t easy for you.”
“I’m learning easy things never really pay off. It’s the things that make you work that really matter.”
“You’re still a little punk that can’t hold his liquor but somewhere along the line you really did turn into a man I’m proud to call my brother.”
We stared at each other for a long moment and I would kill before I admitted it but my eyes totally welled up. I cleared my throat and pushed off the counter.
“Thanks Rome, now I gotta go see if I still have a girlfriend or if I managed to drink myself single last night.”
I was thinking about his words as I dialed Shaw’s number only to be sent to voicemail. I just had to let her love me; I wasn’t sure how to go about that but I knew whatever I was doing now wasn’t working. After her recorded greeting I left a gruff message, “Hey it’s me. I suck and I’m sorry. I should have called. I’m sure you were worried and if you had pulled that shit with me I would have been climbing the walls. Really I don’t have an excuse other than things have been off with us for a little bit and I’m trying to figure it out. Call me when you get this if you want. I’ll see you later tonight. Really I’m sorry and I promise to stop trying to do things different when the old way was working just fine.”
I didn’t know what her response was going to be I only knew that I had screwed up and that I hoped it wasn’t too late to fix it. I finished getting ready for work without hearing from her. I burned through my first two appointments with no word from her and I was starting to worry. I knew she had class today but that didn’t normally stop her from hitting me up between sessions. I was tempted to call her again but worried about what getting sent directly to voicemail again would do to me since I was already hanging on by a thread. I was cleaning up my final appointment of the day when I finally got a text from her:
- I’ll see you at dinner.
That’s was all. There was no I forgive you, no yes you suck now let’s kiss and make up, no everybody makes mistakes, no I’m so glad we’re getting things back to normal, just I’ll see you at dinner. What was I supposed to do with that? This having a girlfriend business was starting to make my head hurt and I longed for the days where we were just cordial enemies that only spent an hour a week together, that wasn’t remotely true but it made me feel a little better as I plodded home and changed into something that wouldn’t give my mom a reason to have a fit. I put on gray Dickies and a button down plaid shirt with pearl snaps on it and changed out of my studded leather belt for a plain black one. I left my boots on and made sure my unruly hair had just enough product in it to keep it in a semi styled mess. I still looked like me only a me that my dad wouldn’t raze and wouldn’t give my mom anything to bitch about and I had to admit to myself that I wanted Shaw to see that I could clean it up when the occasion called for it, but my head was so twisted where she was concerned I tried not to spend too much time thinking about what her reaction would be when we finally saw each other.
Rome and I climbed into the truck and I could tell he was nervous by the silent ride down to the restaurant and I honestly couldn’t blame him since the last family get together had gone so smashingly and to date mom still didn’t believe that she held any part in the family rift. I wasn’t sure that meeting in public and having all this extra tension between Shaw and I was going to be a recipe for success but I was determined to give Rome the sendoff he deserved and not let him leave disappointed in me or with any extra reasons to worry about those he loved.
We parked in a crowed lot and shoved a couple dollars in the payment kiosk and made our way to the busy restaurant. Mom and dad were waiting out front with Shaw. My breath quickened and something in my chest flipped over at the sight of her. It had only been a few days but seeing her now I suddenly felt like we had spent years apart. She had changed her hair in the time that had passed; it was now drastically two colors and looked badass next to her pale skin and bright eyes. Her cheeks were red from the cold and her green eyes were guarded as we got close. I could see my mom had a near death grip on Shaw’s arm and that she wasn’t exactly overjoyed with our arrival. Rome leaned in and kissed both them on the cheek and shook dad’s hand before moving to pull open the door. I opted for a chin lift and a raised eyebrow in Shaw’s direction.