I tilt my head and say, “Yeah, right.”
He smiles crookedly at me. “I’m not what they’d call balanced.”
“Who’s they?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “Everyone. My mom, dad, sister, cousins, and other people who know me. I accepted this job and took off. They think I’m going to fall apart, especially after what happened.” He lifts the amber liquid to his lips and drinks the rest in a single swig.
Peter sets the glass down. His eyes don’t focus on me or anything else. It’s like he’s lost in a memory. “We—me and Gina—were in New York, seeing the stuff for Christmas. We went to Radio City and then to dinner. Afterward, it was late. She was ready to leave, but I wanted to go to Rockefeller Center. I wanted to get down on one knee under the tree and ask her to marry me.”
He smiles. It nearly breaks my heart. I know that smile. It’s a memory that’s tainted, something that should have been happy but didn’t turn out that way. I feel the weight of his story, the way he can barely say the words. He coughs and his eyes flick to mine. “I talked her into going. I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to ask her. I didn’t want to come back the next day. I wanted to do it at night, when the tree was lit. Gina loved Christmastime. I knew she’d love it.
“So, we get there and the place is pretty empty. It’s late. While Gina was looking at the tree, I pulled out the ring. There were some people on the other side of the tree, but they couldn’t see us. I kneeled and held up the ring.” He breathes hard. The lines in his forehead crease. I can see the pain of this memory playing out across his face as if it’s happening now. I want him to stop. Saying the words sounds like it’s breaking him. I want to reach out and take his hand, but I’m frozen.
Peter looks up at me. His smile twists. “You’re better at this than me. I’ve had a year to deal with this, but I still can’t even say it.”
“Peter…” I say his name and touch his hand. I catch his eye. “This really hot guy just told me a great piece of advice—it’s stupid to rush things when you aren’t ready.”
He laughs once, hard. It makes his chest shake. Peter looks down at my hand. “That guy’s usually an ass, or so I hear.” He glances up at me from under dark lashes.
The corners of my mouth turn up slowly. “You heard right. He is an ass, a totally sweet, thoughtful ass. The best kind of ass really.” I’m laughing lightly as I say it.
“Ah, your attempt at flattery is wasted.”
I take my wine glass in my hand. “It’s not flattery if it’s true. You’re a good man. Healing takes time. It’s not the same for everyone. It doesn’t happen at the same rate.”
“Tell that to my family.”
“Screw your family. They don’t understand this—whatever happened to you guys. You do. You understand what happened and what it did to you. Talk about it when you’re ready. Move on when you’re ready.” I finish my wine and put my glass down.
“It’s easier to give advice than it is to take it, huh?” Peter watches me for a moment. His eyes sweep over my face, and rest on our hands. Mine palm is still on his. “So?”
I look where he’s gazing and flinch. “Sorry.” I try to pull my hand away, but Peter takes it and holds on.
“I’m not.” Peter holds my hand to his lips and brushes a light kiss across my skin. It makes me shiver. He looks up and smiles at me. “We’re trapped in the middle, you know. We’re not in the friend zone, but we can’t move forward.”
I slip my hand away and nod. “I know,” I say softly. “It’s a good spot to be. A better spot than I’ve been in for a long time.” I’m not out trying to bed some guy that I don’t know. I’m not out with someone, doing something I don’t want to do. For the moment, I feel perfect, unmarred. I feel like I might survive this with my mind intact. Hope floods my chest, and all my smiles are real. For the first time, in a long time, I think I’ll be okay.
CHAPTER 14
At lunch a few days later, I grab a salad, some baked chicken, and sit down next to Tia. Millie hasn’t come in yet. “Hey. How are your abs of steel?”
She gives me a look. “Soggy. I tried to do that video again last night. I’m not as sore today, but it still sucks.” She plays with her fruit plate, poking the cottage cheese. “Screw this. I’m starving and that chicken looks good. I’ll be right back.” Tia’s face scrunches as she stands. Her hand flies to her stomach before she stomps away to get a plate of chicken.
For a second, I’m alone. I hear his voice before I see his face. “Hey, sweetheart,” Dusty says, and slides in next to me. “I heard something, and thought you’d want to know.” I glance at him, wondering what kind of crazy sauce he ate to sit down next to me in here. He leans in and lowers his voice. “There are some awfully dirty rumors floating around about you.” He looks delighted. His eyes sweep over me, lingering on my chest way too long.
What the hell? He irritates me, like seriously annoys me. I don’t hate him, but I don’t like him either. Glancing at him, I snap, “Who taught you manners? Give me your phone.” I set down my fork and hold out my palm. I thrust it at him when he smiles at me. “Come on. Give it to me.”
Dusty grins and pulls out his phone. “That’s pretty much the rumor. The way you turned green the other night has everyone thinking you’re knocked up and that the pretty professor did it.”
What a jackass. I flip through his contacts looking for one in particular. “You seriously know how to flatter a girl. You called me fat and slutty in the same sentence.” I press my thumb to one of his contacts and his phone dials.
Dusty finally notices that I’m not playing Angry Birds. “Hey, what are you doing?”
I hold up my index finger and shush him. Someone answers after a few rings. “Hi, this is Sidney Colleli. I’m sitting here with your son and I thought you’d be horrified at his manners. He really needs a once over before I smack my tray over his head.” I called his Mom’s cell phone.
She seems nice, but Dusty is hyperventilating, watching me as his thin body folds in half. He hisses, “You called my mom!”
Ignoring him, I nod and listen to his mother talk. “Yeah. Uh huh. He’s right here.” I look over at Dusty, widen my eyes, and smile.
“Hang up!” Dusty paws at me, trying to take the phone away.
I slap his hands and twist out of reach. “You heard that? I know. And he said that nicely compared to what he just told me.”
“Sidney!” Dusty yells, trying to take the phone, but I don’t let him get it.
“Yes,” I continue my conversation with his mom, “I got sick in class last week. He implied it was morning sickness and blamed the professor. Uh huh. Please, that’d be great. Oh, I will.” I laugh. “It was nice talking to you, too.” I hand the phone to Dusty.
He looks at the iPhone like it’s poison. “You suck.”
“Yeah, well, tell it to your mom.” I smirk and go back to my lunch. Dusty storms off, trying to tell his mom that it was a joke.
Tia sits down next to me with a plate of chicken and tacos. “What’d I miss?”
“Nothing worth repeating.”
Tia stares after Dusty. “That kid is an ass. I don’t know why Millie set you up with him.”
I shrug and chomp on my chicken. “Millie’s Millie.”
“Who’s talking about me!” Millie sits down next to us with a huge smile on her face. That smile scares the crap out of me. “Guess what night it is!”
“Oh, damn it. Millie, I’m not coming. I came the last four times.”
She jumps up and down in her seat as if she’s too excited to sit still. “But you have to! Swing Dance club wouldn’t be the same without you.”
“It wouldn’t be a club without you,” Tia nudges me with her shoulder and laughs while chewing on a chicken leg. Despite the predictions, the club is still pathetically small.
Millie glares at her. “You could come too, you know. It’s hard to get a club started.”
Smiling, I needle Tia. “You should. You and Jack would make such a cute couple.”
Tia tenses. “Jack Ewing? He’s there?”
Millie smiles at me and nods. Her blonde curls sway back and forth. “Yup, and he needs a partner.”
“I don’t know how to dance,” Tia says, with a mouth full of food. “I’ll look retarded.”
Millie grins and then throws her arms around me, hugging me way too hard. “Sidney can teach us!” We nearly fall off the bench. I shake her off, and she laughs like a maniac.
Crap. I walked straight into that one. I sigh dramatically and narrow my eyes in her direction. “You suck.”
“You know you love me.” Millie squeals, smiling so wide that I can see all of her teeth. “So, you’ll teach us a little before class tonight?”
Millie has her hands pressed together under her chin. Tia is watching me with that hopeful look in her eye. She’s had a thing for Jack Ewing since last year. My resolve falters. “Sure. Why not?”
CHAPTER 15
That letter is still in my English textbook. I haven’t looked at the book since class, and now I’m acting like it’s been possessed by a poltergeist. I hid the textbook in my closet under all my clothes, trying to forget about it. I don’t want the letter to touch anything else, but I can’t bring myself to throw it away. My brother is a total ass, but he found me. It means something’s wrong. I don’t want anything bad to happen to them. It still stings that they didn’t take my side, that they didn’t defend me, but I don’t wish them harm.
But the thing is, if I open that letter and find out what’s going on then I’ll be starting over again. I don’t think I can manage the pain that goes with it. I don’t want to rehash things. I don’t want to tell them why I ran. I just want that part of my life to be over, but it’s not. It seems as though it’ll never end because it keeps popping up unbidden and unwelcome. Plus, my asshole ex-boyfriend was my brother’s best friend. I don’t know if he still is, but I don’t want to reestablish any connection with him at all. All of them are dead to me. That entire life was burned to ash when I walked away.