“Yeah, but then you’re in pain.”
Kelly shrugged. “It takes some of the fear out of it. Being able to feel it all the way through. I’m realizing I’ve been babying myself for no reason.”
Nick peered up at him. He brought the cigarette to his mouth and sucked on the filter. He hadn’t smoked a cigarette in almost twenty years. But he still liked the way they felt in his hands, the ritual of bringing one to his lips, the way the tobacco smelled.
Kelly finally looked down at him. “Phantom smoking, huh?”
Nick smiled weakly, shrugging.
Kelly snickered and sat. “You know what the squids used to call you behind your back when you’d do that?”
“Ghost lighter,” Nick answered, beginning to smile more. Kelly laughed. Nick handed the cigarette to him, and he put it in his mouth and sucked on the filter like Nick had done, then handed it back.
Nick stared at the cigarette for a long moment. He’d started smoking at twelve. He’d been eighteen when he’d met Ty, and the man had almost instantly broken him of it. He hadn’t shamed him out of it or tried to subvert the habit, though. He’d simply stated the fact that craving a cigarette was one more weakness someone could exploit and that had been that.
A week later, Nick had been almost done with it. Almost. The only thing that remained was a craving for the action. It didn’t matter if it was a cigarette, a straw, or a stick. He almost always had something in his mouth, like the toothpick Kelly had plucked from his lips that morning. It didn’t matter. It was still a weakness, he supposed. One of his few. And Kelly knew the whole story.
“I could never break myself of it.”
“We all have our vices,” Kelly muttered.
“I’m sorry,” Nick said under his breath. He glanced at Kelly, meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Kelly shook his head. “Me too. I knew better. I shouldn’t have poked at that.”
“You’re one of the only people who knows it’s there to poke. I have to give you points for that.” They stared at each other in the silence, neither compelled to speak or look away. Nick brought the cigarette to his mouth again, sucking in the faint taste of tobacco before handing it over to Kelly. “You ready for that walk now?”
“No.” Kelly pulled a lighter out of his back pocket and lit the cigarette. He took a long drag, then exhaled the smoke in a stream that began to waft on the breeze. He grinned. “A hole shot in my lung, I was hoping you’d be able to see smoke come through the stitches,” he said, snickering as he handed it back to Nick.
Nick smiled sadly, watching his companion in the dying light. He turned his attention to the glowing tip of the cigarette. He’d been a private the last time he’d smoked. He stared at it a little longer, then turned it over and ground the tip into the railing.
When he tore his attention away from it, Kelly was watching him. “You know what I always admired about you, Irish?”
“I can’t imagine.”
“You knew right from wrong.”
Nick raised both eyebrows, smiling. “That’s not exactly a huge feat.”
“Yeah, it is. In our lives? The things we’ve been part of? Yeah, it is. Your moral compass always pointed the right way. And no matter what you wanted, you always followed where it led you. So if last night didn’t feel right to you, I’ll trust that.”
Nick stared at him, trying to decipher the feeling the words gave him. He was both honored by Kelly’s opinion of him and oddly disappointed. He shook his head. What scared him about last night wasn’t that it had felt wrong. It had felt right. Really fucking right. And that was the core of his current problem. His moral compass was spinning.
Kelly took a deep, shaky breath. “But at the risk of pissing you off even more,” he said, his face hard and his voice stern, “I’m going to say this again because I don’t think you’ve heard it enough. I don’t think you believe it.”
Nick’s entire body went cold. He held his breath, telling himself to let Kelly finish this time.
“You’re a good man,” Kelly whispered. “One of the best I’ve ever known. And if you’re denying yourself a life with someone who loves you because you don’t think you deserve it, then you’re not as smart as I think you are. And if you’re saying no to me because you’re afraid, then you’re a pussy.”
Nick’s lips twitched. “How long did you practice that before you came out here?”
“About an hour,” Kelly answered, breaking into a smile. “Was it good? How’d I do?”
Nick nodded. “It was good.”
“You believe me?”
Nick inhaled deeply, butterflies churning in his stomach. “Yeah, I do.”
“Do you believe me when I say I want the D?”
Nick choked back a laugh. He ran his fingers over his forehead, smiling crookedly. “Yeah, I do. This is the worst idea we’ve ever had.”
Kelly’s grin widened. “I agree. Want to go upstairs and get naked?”
“Kind of,” Nick drawled.
“Want to not smoke another cigarette first?”
They both laughed. Their camaraderie had always been easy. Nick’s inner composure fed off Kelly’s outward calm, and Kelly’s quirkiness fed off Nick’s nonchalance. Kelly was probably right when he said there’d be no drama between them.
Kelly pulled himself out of his chair, moving closer to Nick. He slapped his shoulder and waved at him. “Scoot over.”
Nick did, sliding to the far side of the swing to let Kelly settle beside him. He kept his hand on the back of the swing and Kelly leaned into the crook of his arm. It wasn’t something they’d never done before, because Nick had a tendency to put his arm around whoever was sitting next to him regardless of who it was. But this time felt different. Everything about Kelly felt different now. Different, yet still familiar. Nick realized that would never change. What he was afraid of happening had already happened, and they would never be able to go back to what they’d been.
There was no retreat. Retreat, hell. The only option now was to move forward. They just needed to pick their path and stick to it.
“It’s me you’re dealing with,” Kelly said, bringing Nick back to the present. “You don’t have to hide shit from me, you know? You don’t have to protect me from any part of you. I already know it all. And you know all of me.”
Nick watched Kelly’s profile, unable to tear his eyes away, unable to say anything.
Kelly pulled a blunt out of his pocket and held it up. “You still smoke these?”
Nick huffed, smirking. “Only when I know I’m not going back to work.”
Kelly put it between his lips and lit up. The tip glowed as he took a long drag, then he rested his head against Nick’s arm and closed his eyes. Nick took the blunt from his fingers, his eyes not leaving Kelly’s face.
Kelly released the smoke in a slow stream, not moving. “I won’t hurt you. And I know you won’t hurt me. So fuck it, Irish, let’s try this.”
Nick took a hit and pondered Kelly’s words. They passed it between them several more times, watching the sun set against the mountain peaks.
“We’ll never be the same,” Nick finally said. He needed to know that Kelly had thought this through, that he was aware of what the morning light would reveal.
Kelly barked a laugh. “We pole-vaulted over that last night.”
Nick leaned closer, curling his arm around Kelly’s shoulders. He brushed his nose along Kelly’s neck, just behind his ear. Kelly inhaled sharply. The goose bumps rose on his arms and he turned his head into the contact.
Nick brushed his lips against Kelly’s cheek.
“You really think this can go bad?” Kelly whispered. “When everything about it feels so fucking good?”
Nick breathed in deeply, truly giving the question thought rather than letting his gut reaction take over. “Only if we let it, I guess,” he finally decided, his lips moving against Kelly’s cheek.
“Do you trust me?” Kelly asked.
“You know I do.” Nick gripped Kelly’s chin, pulling his face until their lips met. Kelly immediately leaned into him, groaning as Nick’s teeth scraped over his lip, as their tongues met and teased. The kiss was so consuming that Nick got lost in it, all his senses absorbed by it. It was still crazy to think this was the Doc he was kissing, to think he was getting turned on just sitting here and kissing Kelly. He would have to pole-vault over that hurdle too, because this was too damn good to pass up just because it was weird.
He sucked Kelly’s bottom lip between his one last time before ending the kiss and pulling back with a gasp for air.
Kelly licked at his lips, forcing his eyes open to meet Nick’s. “Okay, see that? That’s good stuff. I think we should do more of that.”
“Remember what I told you about thinking?” Nick asked, voice lowered.
Kelly’s breath hitched. “How could I forget?”
Nick released his hold on Kelly’s chin, running his fingers up to brush along his cheekbone. Kelly’s eyes were a shade close to blue, with hints of green and gray depending on what reflected in them. Nick had always been fascinated by Kelly’s eyes. He’d maybe even fantasized about kissing him a few times, but he’d never lusted after him.
Not until now.
“I’m going to be honest with you right now,” he said, voice gruff. “I’m hard in my fucking jeans just thinking about what I could do to you.”
Kelly chuckled, his eyes growing darker as they dilated. Nick couldn’t stop looking into them.
“But we’re going to have to be high or drunk or both the first few times we do this, because it’s too fucking weird to kiss you otherwise.”
Kelly nodded. “I agree to those terms.”
“Good. You want to go upstairs and get fucked?”
Kelly stuffed the blunt back into his pocket and grabbed Nick’s shoulder, using him to push himself off the swing. “Come on.”
Nick began to laugh, moving slowly as Kelly tried to rush him. “How’s your chest?”
“It pulls. But it doesn’t hurt enough to refuse a second helping of last night, so come on.”
Nick stared at him, letting the nerves settle a little more before Kelly pulled him to his feet. He took hold of Kelly’s hips and stopped him before he could turn away, pulling their bodies together. Kelly had to tip his head back to meet Nick’s eyes.
“It’s just sex, right?” Nick whispered.
Kelly narrowed his eyes, then began to grin. “Don’t punk out on me now, O’Flaherty.”
Nick grunted as Kelly pushed away from him. “Those are my terms,” he called after him.
“Come on,” Kelly said, disappearing inside. “Let’s go get stoned and fuck.”
Nick watched him for a moment before shrugging and following. He trailed behind Kelly as he made his way up the stairs. Kelly had been right: he was much steadier without the painkillers. But he also moved slower and more gingerly. Nick was having second thoughts about this by the time he was halfway up the stairs. Kelly was obviously still in pain, and Nick knew exactly what kind of damage he could when he got worked up.
When he reached the head of the stairs, Kelly stood near the end of the bed, waiting with a tentative half smile on his face. “This feels like a prom date or something,” he said.
Nick nodded, glancing around the loft bedroom with another flutter of nerves. “We’ve already altered our relationship with last night,” he said. “We’ll never get that back.”
“I know,” Kelly said softly.
“We can stop here and just go to sleep.”
Kelly narrowed his eyes, a smile flitting across his lips. “You’re going to look for the exit at every turn, aren’t you?”
Nick huffed.
Kelly began to unbutton his shirt. “Well there ain’t no exits on this ride, babe, ’cause I know all your tricks.”
Nick grinned. He watched the slow reveal, something he’d rarely let himself linger over in the past. Kelly had some fucking incredible shoulders and arms, that much was for sure. And the rest of him might as well have been an amusement park, as fun as he was to explore. Nick would have to retrain his way of thinking if they were going to be fucking and he was actually allowed to leer now. He licked his lips, reaching up to pull at the buttons of his soft flannel shirt.
“From now on I’m just going to have to jump you, aren’t I?” Kelly asked with a laugh. “Talking doesn’t work on you, but getting naked does.”
Nick tossed his shirt toward the nearby chair. Kelly let his own shirt drop to the floor.
“From now on?” Nick repeated.
“That’s right.”
“How long are we talking about here?”
“As long as we’re happy?” Kelly suggested. His hands moved to the band of his sweatpants and shoved them down. He was growing hard just standing there with Nick’s eyes on him. “As long as we’re having fun. As long as you’re not panicking because you think you’re in a relationship.”
Nick licked his lips again, blatantly watching as Kelly stepped out of his pants. Kelly spread his arms wide, inviting Nick to look. Inviting him to do a hell of a lot more than look.
“Isn’t that how it’s done?”
Nick shook his head and slowly moved toward Kelly, looking him up and down as he circled him.
“I’m not asking you to buy the milk, O’Flaherty, I just want you to grope the cow,” Kelly said, trying to hide a sly smile by biting his lip.