She inclined her head. "As you wish."
I frowned. "It is not that I am ungrateful, my lady."
"I know." Snow Tiger lifted her head, meeting my gaze with an effort. "It is only that….. that before you go, I would ask one thing from you. It has been in my thoughts that this day would come. And….. I do not know if it is wrong of me to ask it. Because of this matter with Shangun Bao, because you are not sworn to her service as you have told me your father was, but….." She steeled herself, her spine straightening, her eyes soft and vulnerable. "You are her child nonetheless. I would ask for the blessing of your D'Angeline goddess of desire."
I stared at her, my lips parted.
If the princess had not blushed, I would not have been certain of what she was asking of me. But she did, a tide of blood rising to kiss her throat with crimson, flushing her cheeks, even the tips of her ears. It was so unexpected, and so utterly, utterly charming, all I could do was stare at her with surprised delight.
"I should not have asked, should I?" She scowled. "Forgive me, I do not know the protocol for such a thing. It is only that….. I do not think anyone in the world needs her blessing as much as I do. And….. what the dragon did when first we met, I know he intended well, but it was not helpful." Her voice faltered, then continued, resolute and determined. "And yet you understand in part because of it. So I thought, although it is against custom, after all, it is a little late to worry about that, and you are the one person I trust….. Moirin, would you please say something? Why are you smiling like that?"
There was a fluttering burst in my belly like a thousand doves taking flight at once. I did not have to consult my diadh-anam. This was not the business of the Maghuin Dhonn. This was Naamah's business.
The bright lady approved—oh, so very much.
"Yes," I said softly. "The answer to the question you ask is yes, my lady. And I am smiling because it makes me happy."
"Truly?" She smiled in profound relief.
"Truly," I assured her. "Well and truly, I promise you."
The following day, as I made my preparations to travel, it lay between us unspoken. Every time I thought about it, I smiled. Every time I smiled, the princess blushed.
If there had been aught I had desired for the journey, she would have given it to me, but I had to trust my instincts. The matter lay between Bao and me. It would be best if I left quietly, without fanfare. I didn't like being alone, but one can be alone in the midst of strangers. I had grown up in considerable solitude, and I could take care of myself.
And the dragon had promised I would always find love on my path.
So I sorted through the many gifts I had been given, setting aside the gorgeous robes stiff with embroidery and packing a couple of the more sensible garments. Most of the jewelry I kept, hidden in the bottom of my pack next to the crystal vial of Jehanne's perfume and a purse of D'Angeline coins. I kept a belt knife that Snow Tiger had given me, a slender blade with an ivory hilt carved in the shape of a dragon. I had the yew-wood bow that my uncle Mabon had made for me.
I had a horse, a virtual twin of the valiant chestnut that had carried me across the battlefield. The Emperor had made me a gift of him. Now I accepted the gift of a pack-horse and supplies.
There was one last gift of jewelry I accepted, too—a jade medallion strung on a silk cord. It bore the image of the Imperial dragon carved on one side and the Emperor's seal etched into the other. It signified that I was under the protection of the Son of Heaven and to be afforded every courtesy.
"It will not help you on the far side of the Great Wall," Snow Tiger reminded me.
"I know." I hesitated. "Are the Tatars truly so fearsome?"
She frowned in thought. "They are a wild folk. Nomads. But there have been enlightened rulers among them in the past. I don't know how you will find them."
"I come from a fairly wild folk myself, my lady." "True."
It seemed like there should have been more to do to prepare for such an undertaking, but by the end of the day, I was finished.
There was only one thing left to do, and that was ask for Naamah's blessing.,
CHAPTER NINETY
The princess was nervous, so nervous. After dismissing all her attendants, bidding them not to disturb us until summoned, she quivered with restless uncertainty, watching me light sticks of incense and offer a prayer to Naamah.
"Do you think she will hear so far away?" she asked me.
"I do not think far means anything more to the gods than time means to a dragon." I watched the fragrant smoke coil. "And the dragon himself told me that although the gods do not always answer, they are always listening."
"Oh." She sat stiffly on the bed.
I sat beside her, close, but not touching her. Strange though it might seem, I wished I could talk to my father. I was sure of Naamah's approval, but I wasn't sure how to proceed with this very brave, deeply wounded young woman. For all that I understood it, her anxiousness wasn't making this easy for me. From an awkward beginning of forced intimacy, we had navigated a difficult path to genuine friendship, and I was not certain how to go beyond it without doing harm. "We need not, do this if you don't wish, my lady."
"I do wish it." Snow Tiger gave me a fleeting glance. "Only….. if I change my mind, will you forgive me?"
"Yes, my beautiful girl." It had been one of Jehanne's endearments for me, and it came unbidden to my lips. The princess ducked her head, flushing a bit with pleasure, and I knew it was the right thing to say. She was a motherless child raised as a warrior, and there had been no one in her life to speak sweet words to her save in praise of her skill with a blade. "I will understand, I promise. Are you changing it now?"
She shook her head, darting another shy glance at me. "No."
I lifted her chin gently, brushing a kiss on her unscarred cheek, then on her temple, then on the curve of her jaw. The kiss of drifting petals, the D'Angelines call it; they are all mad for flower imagery, especially in describing acts of love. I let her feel the warmth of my breath against her skin, and kissed the outer corner of her lips.
Something stirred in her gaze. She turned her face toward me, wondering where the next kiss would fall.
But it was not right, not quite.
There was desire in her, but there was tension, too. Fear, too much fear. For her, the memory of pleasure was coupled inextricably with the memory of helplessness and terror. I shifted, tucking my legs beneath me and kneeling. I had offered a prayer to Naamah, but I had not truly prayed.
Now I did.
I closed my eyes and thought about how Naamah had offered herself in love and desire. I thought about my father, and how generously he gave of himself. I thought about Naamah's effigy in the temple, and her tranquil, beautiful face.
My ancestress.
And I thought about the first time I had sensed Naamah's presence in my life when I was but a child, the first time Oengus had visited, and my mother had gone with him out into the night. The first time I had felt the sensation like doves fluttering in my belly. I had been frightened and called upon my diadh-anam, but it had been the bright lady who answered. I remembered her kind laughter, the sense of terrible beauty, and lips pressed to my brow in a bright, shining kiss.
"Lady, I am yours tonight," I whispered. "Help me."
She answered.
I felt her love and compassion showering down upon me, flowing through me, warming me. I opened my eyes, and took Snow Tiger's hands in mine. I opened my mouth and let the goddess speak through me.
"Tonight I belong to you and to Naamah, my lady." There was a ringing echo behind my words. "And in her name, I swear to you, you have naught to fear from your own desires. Not now, nor ever again."
The mantle of Naamah's grace settled upon us both, as gentle and mighty as a dragon descending from the skies, as warm and golden as sunlight, as tender as a kiss.
I felt the princess' fears melt away before it.
She laughed, a short, wondering sound. Fear was banished, the memory of helplessness was banished.
Her dark eyes sparkled to life, filled with determination.
Freeing her hands from my grasp, she cradled my head and kissed me—kissed me for the first time entirely of her own volition. And ah, gods! It felt wonderful. I wrapped my arms around her waist and tugged her down with me onto the bed, tangling our limbs together. She let out a startled squeak, and I laughed.
"Laughter is acceptable?" Snow Tiger's intent eyes gazed into mine.
I slid one hand along the curve of her spine. "Yes, my beautiful girl. Always. And tonight everything is acceptable."
She smiled. "Good."
When Jehanne had spoken to me of the pleasures of untutored ardor, I hadn't truly understood. How could I? I was too young and inexperienced. Tonight I understood. It was a gift that Snow Tiger offered me, a gift dangling from a fragile thread of trust forged under the unlikeliest of circumstances. I let her do what she wished, reveling in it. I drank in her kisses and caresses, returning them in kind, pleasure rolling over me like a river.
I felt the exact moment when she faltered—not scared, only uncertain of how to express her desire.
Smooth and sure, I took control back from her. I undressed her; I undressed us both, peeling away the bedamned robes that separated us. Like a good attendant, I hung them carefully on the stand.
"Everything?" she asked me.
"Everything," I confirmed, my hands gliding over her breasts. They were shallow, but lovely. I dipped my head to capture one nipple between my lips.
Her back arched.
When at last I moved one hand lower, parting her thighs, Snow Tiger tensed. I listened to Naamah and traced a lazy circle with one fingertip.
"This is called Naamah's Pearl," I whispered, capturing her hand and making her feel it, letting her regain a sense of control through understanding. "Do you see? It is the seat of a woman's pleasure."
"I see!" she gasped.
I kissed a path down her body, feeling her taut belly quiver beneath my lips.
"You're not—"
I spread her thighs gently, teasing her nether-lips apart with the tip of my tongue, circling her pearl. I teased and coaxed her with the utmost delicacy, until she groaned and sank her hands into my hair, surrendering wholly to the sensation, her hips rising toward my mouth. I smiled, and with an inexorable gentleness that was the very opposite of the dragon-lashed storm of that other encounter so very long ago, I brought her to climax, delighting in the feel of her shuddering beneath me.
In the aftermath, she looked sweet and flushed, at once bright-eyed and languid. She kissed me, tasting her juices on my lips, pulled back to consider it, and kissed me again. "It pleases you to do that?"
"Aye, it does."
"Hmm." She stroked my bare skin, cupped one breast. I shivered with pleasure, my nipple hardening, and watched the awareness of her own power to bestow pleasure dawning in the princess' eyes. "Maybe I am more like your licentious D'Angelines than I thought."
She was.
Naamah's blessing had freed her to be tender and ardent and loving, and she was all of these things, more than I ever could have reckoned, so much so that by the end, I wasn't sure which of us the goddess had blessed more. There was an unexpected capacity for playfulness in her that charmed me beyond words. I wondered if she had even known it existed, and prayed I wouldn't be the only person in the world to experience it.
"I will miss you, Moirin," Snow Tiger said afterward. "Very much."
"Ohh….." The call of my diadh-anam was fainter than it had been since Bao first left. "I could stay awhile longer." It seemed like a very good idea.
"No." She shook her head. "The dragon said there was time for grace. This, tonight, was grace. More would be indulgence."
I opened my mouth to protest.
"And no." She pressed a finger to my lips. "Before you say it, no, I am not punishing myself. I do not think I am undeserving of indulgence. And it is not because it is against custom." She smiled. "I suspect I would even be forgiven it, at least for a time. People would say I am only purging an excess of yang energy left behind by the dragon."
"Why, then?"
Her expression turned grave. "It is too easy to accept the comfort you offer. Too easy to become dependent on it. I have a duty that lies elsewhere. You have a destiny to follow."
I toyed with her hair, heartily sick and tired of my everlasting destiny. "A week is a very short time," I said. "A week could not possibly be reckoned much of an indulgence." Inspiration struck me. "Besides, do you not wish to be certain you are capable of love-making without a goddess in attendance?"
The princess narrowed her eyes at me. "That is a shameless threat wholly without merit, isn't it?"
I laughed. "Aye."
"I love you very much despite it." Her smile returned. "And maybe a little bit because of it. Fine. One week."
The simple declaration took me by surprise. Even Jehanne had not told me she loved me until I asked her, and Bao….. Bao had died with the words unspoken, and gone away without ever saying it. I had not known the words mattered so much to me. My heart expanded in my chest and throat tightened unexpectedly, tears filling my eyes.
Snow Tiger's brows quirked. "What is it? I thought you would be happy."
"I am happy," I assured her. "And I also love you very much, my beautiful girl."
One week.
It fled more swiftly than any week I had ever known, the days filled with poetry and music, the nights with pleasure. And although I did not need to invoke Naamah's blessing again, I felt it hovering over us. It brought me no end of joy to see Snow Tiger give herself fearlessly over to pleasure, sighing my name against my skin over and over. I lavished affection on her, and she accepted it with gladness. She had been right; if the multitude of servants and attendants in the palace suspected anything, they kept it to themselves and did not gossip, glad to see their noble mistress happy and at ease, no matter what the cause. Somewhere in the distance, I thought I sensed the dragon's shimmering approval.