On this particular day, he looks away from me first and returns his attention to the laptop in front of him. He types, and then scrolls through information I can’t see.
I took a sharp breath and leaned away from his touch, forcing my tightly shut eyes into the skin of my upraised arm.
Slowly he reaches for his briefcase on the ground, next to his chair and pulls out a few brown folders. He opens one and makes some notes while furrowing his brow.
His lips caressed the shell of my ear…
I know.
I know Caleb is not here. I’m f**ked in the head. Factually, I take stock of the fact Agent Reed is a very good-looking man. Not as handsome as Caleb. Still, he strikes me as equally intense. His pitch black hair seems a little too long for his profession, but he keeps it impeccably groomed. He wears the A-typical, movie G-man outfit: white shirt, black suit, dark-colored tie. He makes it look good though, like he’d be wearing it even if it weren’t a requirement. I wonder what he’d look like without it on—
Caleb has made me into this. He admitted it. I am everything he wanted me to be. And in the end, what did I get in return?
I knew he smiled, though I couldn’t see it. A shiver, so strong my body nearly jerked toward his, ran down my spine.
“You’re mother should be here today,” says Agent Reed. His tone is detached, but he keeps glancing at me sidelong. He’s eager for my reaction.
My heart stutters, but the jolt is over quickly and once again I simply feel…nothing. She is my mother; I am her daughter. It’s inevitable. Eventually, I will have to see her. I know I’ll have to say the words when I do. I’ll have to tell her I don’t want to go back with her. I’ll have to tell her to forget all about me.
I’ve been grateful for the reprieve, but really – it’s taken her five days to get here? Perhaps telling her to leave me alone will be easier than I thought. My feelings are ambiguous on the subject.
“Tell me about where you’ve been for almost four months. Tell me where you got the gun and the money, and I’ll see to it your mom walks you out of here today.” Reed says. His tone is salacious, as though he wants me to buy what he’s selling.
No thanks. They know about the money – it didn’t take them long. I look at him with confused eyes and an innocent head tilt. Money? He stares at me for a second, then looks down at his folders and writes something mysterious. Agent Reed isn’t buying my bullshit. He isn’t impressed. At least he isn’t a complete fool.
His lips caressed the shell of my ear, “Are you going to answer? Or must I force you again?”
Tick-tock – I can’t hide behind my silence forever. There are some pretty serious charges against me. I guess one does not simply walk into the U.S. from Mexico. I know I should cooperate, tell him the story and get him on my side, but I just can’t do it. If I break my silence, I will never be able to leave this behind. My entire life will forever be overshadowed by the last four months. More than that, I don’t know what the f**k to say! What can I say? For the hundredth time today, I miss, Caleb.
Something drips onto my neck and I realize I’m crying. I wonder how long Agent Reed has been watching me, waiting for me to break down and give in. I feel lost and his flicker of concern suddenly seems like a lifeline. It’s hard not to see Caleb, in his stead.
“Yes,” I stammered, “I’m hungry.”
It is a few long, tense, seconds before he breaks the unending silence. “You may not believe me, but I have your best interests in mind. If you won’t try to help us, help you, things will get out of your control. And quickly.” He pauses. “I need information. If you’re afraid, we can protect you, but you have to give us a sign of good faith. Every day you say nothing, your window of opportunity shrinks.” He stares at me, and I can feel him willing me with his powerful, dark eyes, to give him the answers he is looking for. For a moment, I want to believe he really does want to help me. Could I afford to trust a stranger?
What did he want from me that he couldn’t just take?
My mouth opens, words are crouched on the tip of my tongue. He’ll hurt him if you tell. My mouth slams shut.
Agent Reed looks frustrated. As well he should be, I suppose. He takes another deep breath and delivers me a look that says, ‘Okay, you asked for it.’ He reaches down and grabs one of the brown folders he was looking at earlier. He opens it, stares at it, then at me.
He leaned forward and held the delicious smelling morsel to my lips.
For a moment he looks unsure, but then determined. He removes a sheet from the file and walks toward me, the paper held loosely in one hand. I almost don’t want to see what it is, but I can’t help it. I have to see. My heart lurches! Every fiber of my being is suddenly singing. Tears sting my eyes and a sound mimicking both sorrow and joy bubbles out my mouth before I can keep it in check.
It’s a picture of Caleb! It’s a picture of his beautiful, scolding face. I want it so badly I reach for it, fingers stretching to get closer to his image.
With an almost unabashed relief I opened my mouth, but he snatched it away.
“You know this man?” Agent Reed says, but his tone makes it obvious he knows I do. This is his game. It’s a good one. Through choked sobs, I reach for the photo again. Agent Reed keeps the photo just out of my reach.
“You son of a bitch,” I whisper hoarsely, staring at that one piece of paper. If I blink, would it disappear?
He offered again.
I don’t reach for the photo again, but I can’t keep from looking at it. Caleb is younger in the photo, but not by much. He’s still my Caleb. His blond hair is being blown up in the back and his Caribbean-blue eyes are glorious as they scowl at the camera. His mouth, so full and perfect for kissing is set in an annoyed line across his perfect face. He wears a buttoned up shirt, in white, the obviously billowing wind offers tantalizing glimpses of his sun-kissed throat. It’s my Caleb. I want my Caleb. I glare at Agent Reed. With my rage in every syllable, I break my vow of silence. “Give. Me. That.”
Agent Reed’s eyes go wide for a fraction of a second. Smug satisfaction is there, then gone. . Round one goes to the Agent. “So you do know him?” he mocks.
I glare at him.
He steps closer, picture held out.
And again.
I go for it and he pulls it back.
Each time I crawled closer and closer, until I was pressed between his legs, my hands on either side of his body.
Caleb taught me a few things about starting fights I can’t win. He would want me to use my head and exploit anything I have to offer to get what I want. I force myself to portray calmness and sorrow. The sadness comes easy.
“I…I knew him.” I purposely stare at my lap and let my tears fall.
“Knew him?” Agent Reed says curiously. I nod and let sobs fill the room.
“What happened to him?” he asks. I want him curious.
“Give me the picture,” I whisper.
“Tell me what I want to know,” he counters. I know I have him where I want him.
“He….” I am overcome by grief. I don’t have to manufacture my pain…I am my pain. “He died in my f**king arms.” My mind immediately recalls seeing Caleb, expression blank, his body covered in dirt, and blood. It was the moment I lost him. Only hours before, he’d held me in his arms and I had thought everything was finally going to be okay. One knock on the door…and everything changed.
Agent Reed takes a tentative step forward, “This isn’t easy for you, I can tell, but I need to know how, Miss Ruiz.”
“Give me the picture,” I sob. He takes another step.
“Tell me how,” he whispers. He’s played this game before.
I look up and glower at him from under my tear-soaked lashes, “Protecting me.”
“From what?” He steps closer, so close, and so eager.
“From, Rafiq.”
Without another word, Agent Reed turns away to remove another photo from the file and turns it toward me, “This man?”
I hiss. Actually, f**king hiss. We’re both shocked by my reaction. I never knew I could be so feral. I rather like it. I feel capable of anything.
Suddenly I threw my arms up around his hand, wrapped my mouth around his fingers to get the food away from him. Oh my god, so good.
Agent Reed is close and he isn’t prepared when I grab him by the collar of his suit and crush his f**king mouth with mine. He drops the folder.
Mine!
Despite his shock, Agent Reed is able to wrestle me onto the bed. He snaps his cuffs on my wrist and secures me to the bed. Before I can reach for the folder, he snaps it away.
He moved quickly, his fingers found my tongue and pinched viciously while his other hand dug into the sides of my neck.
Confusion and anger twist his features. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he whispers and wipes his lips slowly, looking at his fingers as though the answer is somehow written across them.
The food fell from between my lips to the floor and I howled around his fingers at the loss.
When I try to speak, instead, I scream my frustration, tears of anger filling my eyes.
“You’re very proud and very spoiled and I’m going to beat it out of you twice.”
When the nurse scrambles in, bewildered and a hand to her heart, Agent Reed politely tells her to get lost.