She sighed at that, her focus seemingly far away. When she spoke, her tone was soft and somewhat wistful. “He used to talk to me at night. It was almost like the dark gave us permission to be ourselves, to put aside the fact he was my kidnapper, and the man responsible for all the terrible things that happened to me during the day. But you have to understand, for all the bad Caleb did, he protected me too, in his own ways. It could have been so much worse for me without Caleb.”
“That night, after Celia had whipped Kid in front of everyone, Rafiq had tried to separate us. He wanted me to stay in his room and I was terrified Caleb would let it happen. I’d seen what Rafiq had done to Nancy. I could still hear her screams in my ears and feel her hands grabbing for me. I didn’t want to end up like her.
“Caleb refused. He said I would scream for hours on end if I were separated from him. He said I was a danger to myself and Rafiq didn’t know me well enough to know what I needed. He’d said it all in English and the moment Rafiq reached for me I started screaming bloody murder until Caleb lifted me into his arms. I even threw in some feverish gibberish, clutching at him and begging him not to let me go. I didn’t have to work hard to be panicked. I was panicked.
“Caleb stroked my hair and I slowly relaxed into his arms, going so far as to ‘faint’. Maybe it was a little over the top, but it worked. Felipe had begged Caleb’s forgiveness for not offering to have him shown to his room sooner and called the butler over to take us to Caleb’s room.” Livvie chuckled softly as she recounted the story and Matthew had to wonder if her sense of humor had always been so dark or if it was an aftereffect of her time spent in ruthless company.
“Oh!” Olivia suddenly exclaimed, “I remember something. Felipe told Rafiq the boat would be arriving in four days and he asked if Rafiq would be leaving to meet it, or if he planned to stay and have someone else handle it.”
Matthew leaned forward, pen poised over his notepad, “He said this in front of you?”
“He thought I was passed out. I don’t know if it’s important. It was months ago, so the boat has obviously already come and gone, but I do remember it because I wondered if we were near water and if I was going to be on that f**king boat.”
“Obviously, that didn’t happen,” Matthew said, stating the obvious.
“No, but you didn’t ask me if it happened. You told me to tell you everything I remember,” she said.
“So what happened?”
“I don’t know, but Rafiq was gone a few days later, so I assume he went to meet the boat and whoever or whatever was on it.”
Probably drugs, Matthew thought, and he made a note to look into locations near water and cross-reference them with his list of military installations in Pakistan. He would also have to call the Federal Investigation Agency in Pakistan. The FIA likely knew something; it was getting them to admit it and tell him. “Anything else that might be useful?” he asked.
“Not that I can think of right now. Besides, I was telling you about me and Caleb.”
Matthew rolled his eyes. “Fine. It seems to be helping you remember things, but please, try to keep the sex stuff to a minimum. I really don’t need to hear the blow-by-blow.”
Olivia smiled, “Was that a pun, Reed?”
“Hardly, just a poor choice of words,” he acknowledged. The image he’d manufactured of Celia thrusting that dildo into Kid’s mouth once again assaulted him. He shook his head and it dissipated. He wished he’d never heard that story. It wasn’t the act he guiltily found intriguing, but the authority behind it. Matthew didn’t care for weak women, but he certainly had a thing for domineering ones. And in the darkest recesses of Matthew’s mind, he knew why.
“Are you really going to listen? Will you at least try to see things the way I do?” she requested earnestly.
Matthew’s stomach did a strange flip-like thing at the sound of her begging tone. This was always the part of the job he hated. He liked solving the puzzle, putting the case facts together and tracking down the criminals, but this part, dealing with the victims and their myriad personalities and experiences, most of them tragic, he couldn’t stand. He could stand Olivia more than some other people he’d interviewed. Now that she wasn’t so much of a basket case, she seemed made of much stronger stuff, but she was still in a strange limbo of victim and suspect.
Still. “I don’t know if that’s a promise I can make, Miss Ruiz. I can promise I’ll listen. I can promise I’ll do my job. I can even promise to help you as much as I am able. But I can’t promise you I’ll ever see things the way you do.”
His refusal really seemed to upset her. Olivia’s shoulders slumped but she nodded for far longer than she needed to, lost in space again. When she spoke, she seemed to be talking to the room with Matthew as a set piece. Her words weren’t for him and they both knew that. “I figured you might say that. It makes sense I guess. It’s just…. I don’t think anyone is ever going to see it the way I do, Reed. No one is ever going to understand. If it ever comes out, everyone’s just going to think I’m crazy. That I’m young and I don’t know what I’m talking about. That I’m a victim and my feelings are all a result of my trauma. I think that’s what hurts the most
“I lived through all of it. I saw and felt and experienced more in one Summer than I think most people experience their entire lives, but in the end? I’m just a girl who no one will ever understand. There’s so much about me that will never be the same.
“You don’t want to hear about the sex stuff. I know that. I know how inappropriate it is to sit here and tell a complete stranger about people getting tied up and whipped, even f**ked in front of me. But…I have to tell someone. Someone who won’t make me feel like a freak. Someone who won’t analyze me like Sloan does.
“She doesn’t mean to make me feel like a freak, not on purpose. It’s when she says I’m drawn to you, because you’re a strong man, like Caleb. When she says I kissed you because sex is the way I’ve been conditioned to get my way, that it’s all psychological, and it’s all because Caleb f**ked with my head. I can’t stand it. I can’t have everything I feel, reduced to a textbook description that fits me, and millions of other broken idiots. More than that, I can’t stand thinking that maybe…she’s right.
“Maybe I don’t really love Caleb, maybe my brain made it up so I wouldn’t kill myself or feel so scared and alone. Maybe I’ll accept that one day and I won’t be able to stop having nightmares. Maybe I’ll never trust another emotion I ever have again. Who’s going to love a girl like that, Reed? Who’s ever going to love a freak like me?” She collapsed onto her bed and rolled into a ball, crying and rocking.
Matthew’s heart beat a frantic tattoo in his chest. He didn’t know what to do to make her stop crying. He didn’t want to touch her, that felt like the wrong thing. A hug? Not him either. He wished Sloan were here. She was the social worker. It was her job to deal with all the mushy shit. He remembered Olivia didn’t care for mushy.
“Someone will love you, Miss Ruiz. Even if you’re a jerk.”
“Fuck you, Reed,” she sobbed.
He laughed, “And you’re so charming, too.”
“You’re an ass**le, you know that?”
“Yes,” he said as a matter of fact.
“God! Why are you so messed up?!?” She sat up and glared.
“Everybody is f**ked up and we’re all freaks in our own ways.”
“How would you know?” she shot back, sniffling and glaring at him. “You probably had a charmed life in suburbia. No cares. No worries. A perfect life.”
He gave her a deadpan look. “I was abused as a child. African militants forced me to snort gun powder and cocaine and plow villages with my Uzi. Feel sorry for me and stop whining about how no one will love you,” he suggested calmly. Her shocked expression was priceless. He gave her a leveling look and softened his voice. “You’re young, strong and you’re an ass**le to boot. With your smarts, you’re going to be just fine. Don’t let anyone ever tell you different. Not even you.”
Olivia’s expression softened and after a while she gave a little smile. “You’re okay, I guess, Reed. No one’s ever going to love you, but you’re okay.”
He gave her a wry smile, “Thank you, Miss Ruiz. I’ll remember that when you’re begging for sympathy.”
She sighed. “Can we be done for today? I’m really tired. Talking to you takes a year off my life.”
“Want me to turn off the lights? Would the dark help you confess?” he said, and he was only half joking.
“Funny.”
“I try,” he said. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” He paused, and leveled with her. “Look. We’re running out of time, Miss Ruiz. We need to get to that auction and you’re our best hope to rescue the others, like yourself, Nancy, Kid, Celia. All of them. I don’t want you to lose sight of that. I’ll listen to you, I’ll even try to see things from your perspective, but at the end of the day…you’re safe. Others aren’t so lucky.”