Caleb held her as she sobbed in his arms and never had he wished he could just let go, so much. He wished he were capable of letting everything come out of him. He wanted to cry. He could feel the tears in his throat. Everything hurt, his heart, his throat, even his eyes as he kept them tightly closed. His arms ached with the intensity of his hold on Livvie, but he couldn’t let it out. He’d trained himself for far too long and unlike the job he’d done with Livvie, he’d trained himself much too well.
“I can’t take it anymore, Caleb. I’ve tried, but I can’t,” she sobbed. “Every time I think you’re coming around, every time I let myself hope, you crush me. You rip everything out! Sometimes I think I f**king hate you. Sometimes I know I hate you. And still! Still, Caleb – I love you. I put my faith in you. I believe you when you say it’s all going to be alright.”
“I’m done,” she said with a determination capable of stopping Caleb’s heart. “I’m done, Caleb. I’ll kill myself!”
Mine!
Pure rage slammed into Caleb. He turned her in his arms and pushed her onto the bed. His body came crashing down on top of her and he held her down. “Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare say shit like that to me. That’s the coward’s way out and you know it,” he spat.
Livvie’s eyes burned with a rage to match Caleb’s own. He could see it. He could feel it. “You’re the coward, Caleb. I’m not afraid to tell you how I feel. I’m not afraid to admit, that despite everything you’ve done to me, I love you.”
She loves me.
“Do you have any idea how stupid I feel confessing to you?” she continued, “You kidnapped me! You’ve humiliated me, beat me, nearly gotten me raped, and just a moment ago you had me suck a complete stranger’s dick in a room full of twisted perverts. I love you, but I’m not the coward, Caleb. I deserve to live or die on my own f**king terms.”
Caleb stared down into Livvie’s face and the steel he saw behind her eyes shook him to his foundation for the second time. Livvie was no coward. He knew it, had even told himself he’d never accuse her of such a thing again, and this had been why. Livvie would do it. She would end her own life. Caleb couldn’t breathe.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. It seemed to be all he could say, all he was capable of saying. He relaxed his hold on her and rested his head next to hers on the bed. He made himself breathe, past the pain, past the anguish lying in wait in his throat. Slowly, deeply, he breathed.
They lay in silence for several minutes. Caleb could feel Livvie’s tears as they slid down her face; they wet his own. It was as close to crying as Caleb could get and for a moment he imagined they were his tears. They were his confession. They said all the things he couldn’t…because he was a coward.
Slowly, Livvie stirred. Caleb wasn’t sure what to expect, but then he felt her arms slide around him. Caleb’s stomach dipped, his heart felt squeezed. She shouldn’t be holding him. He knew it was his place to comfort her since he was the one responsible for all of her suffering. Still, Caleb was selfish. He let her be the one to comfort them.
“I thought about you,” she said numbly, “while he was touching me. I thought about you.” Caleb pressed into her in a silent plea for her to stop talking. He didn’t want to hear this, but Livvie was done listening to him, and he knew it. “I wanted to make you jealous. I wanted to make you feel, even a fraction, of what I felt, the night you f**ked Celia in front of me.”
Caleb winced. His heart felt even tighter. He hoped Livvie’s words meant he hadn’t lost her yet. Somehow he’d find a way to make it right with her, and Rafiq.
“I was insanely jealous,” Caleb offered in supplication.
Livvie squeezed him for a moment then loosened her hold, “I know. It should make me happy, but it doesn’t.” She sighed.
“Why,” Caleb asked softly into her warm, wet neck.
“I’d rather make you happy, Caleb. I’d rather see you smile. Sometimes, you smile and I…” she paused, overwhelmed, “I forget about everything that’s wrong with you.”
Caleb wasn’t sure what to say, so he simply told her the truth, “I’d rather see you smile, too. In the beginning, when I didn’t know you…you seemed so sad. I watched you cry one day and I thought, ‘I want to taste her tears’. I have a thing about them. I confess I’ve made you cry just to see your tears. I’ve gotten off on your suffering.” He swallowed.
“But now,” Caleb said, “I never want to see you cry again. I wish I could go back to the day on the street, the day you thought I’d saved you from the guy in the car, and just…let you believe I was your hero. You smiled at me, so sweetly. You thanked me. I wish I’d just let it be.”
Caleb could feel Livvie taking deep breaths.
“I know it’s what I should want, too,” she said, “but I don’t. I accuse you of being f**ked in the head, Caleb. The truth is… I wonder if I’m not f**ked up, too. I should hate you, Caleb. Now I’ve decided what my fate will be, I should want to kill you. I don’t. I can’t imagine never having known you.”
“Maybe it’s fate,” Livvie said, “if you believe in that sort of thing. Maybe you were supposed to meet me that day. You asked me once if I’d choose some other girl to take my place. I wanted to say yes.”
“You said, no,” Caleb whispered. He thought about how it might have worked out with another girl – if he’d have the feelings he had for Livvie for someone else. He’d been conflicted from the start. He’d been ready to leave his life as Rafiq’s right hand behind until Vladek had resurfaced unexpectedly. Perhaps his emotions had less to do with Livvie and more with his desire to move on from his past. Nonetheless, he doubted it. Livvie was unique to him. Irreplaceable.
“I did, but I wanted to say yes, Caleb. If I had believed for a second you’d let some other girl suffer in my place… I think I might have said yes,” she said dully. “I’m f**ked in the head, too. Even before I met you.”
Caleb let her words sink in for a moment. He didn’t believe they were true. Livvie was far from f**ked up, especially while he was the standard. However, if Livvie chose to see some greater purpose behind their relationship and therefore not hate him, he was too weak not to let her believe it.
As the silence stretched on between them, Caleb became more aware of Livvie and her nudity. He ached to touch her, to make love to her, but there were more things he had to say first.
“I can’t erase my debt to Rafiq,” he said. Livvie tensed, but Caleb hurried his words along, “It’s not something I expect you to understand, but I can’t just leave.”
“What do you mean, Caleb? What does it mean, for us?” Her words were said without emotion, but Caleb knew how much she held in check.
“It means I have to make him understand. We’ll have to find another way, maybe another girl…” he began.
Livvie pushed at his shoulder and sat up, “Are you f**king kidding me, Caleb? Another girl? How could I live with myself?!?”
Caleb’s anger was returning, “You just finished saying….”
“That was before!” Livvie shouted, “I could never put someone through this. Never! Please, Caleb, see reason. Let me get dressed and let’s get the f**k out of here and never look back.” She reached out with both hands and held Caleb’s face in a vise-like grip. “Please, Caleb. Please.”
Caleb stared into Livvie’s pleading eyes and for a moment he thought he might open his mouth and say yes.
“I expect obedience, Caleb. I expect your loyalty. Anyone who betrays me will only do it once. Do you understand?” Rafiq had said ominously.
“Yes, Rafiq, I understand,” Caleb had replied.
“I want to, Livvie,” Caleb whispered, “Aside from my revenge, I can honestly tell you, there is nothing I desire more than to take you away and find out what this thing between us is all about.” He reached for her hands and placed them in her lap before he stroked her hair affectionately.
“But, this is who I am. I repay my debts. Nothing comes before family, loyalty, duty, and honor. Rafiq is as close to family as I can remember, and I owe him. If you’re asking me to betray him…you can never accept who I am.”
Livvie shut her eyes tightly, seemingly processing the pain Caleb’s words had caused. He felt stupid and naïve. He should have known Livvie would be incapable of understanding him or his motives. Livvie was no monster and she wouldn’t become one simply because Caleb was.
“Why does this guy need to die so badly, Caleb? What did he do? What is so horrible, you’d dedicate your life, and sacrifice your happiness to kill him? Help me understand, Caleb,” Livvie whispered.
Caleb looked at Livvie, and had he seen any trace of condescension, he would have told her to go to hell, but the only thing expressed in Livvie’s eyes was concern. He was surprised he even recognized it. Rafiq had never really been concerned for Caleb.
Rafiq had been Caleb’s salvation, his tutor, mentor, and sometimes friend. He’d clothed him, provided shelter, and food. He’d nursed him from a traumatized whore into a dangerous man. Yet, Rafiq had always demanded his due. At the slightest hint of uncertainty on Caleb’s part, Rafiq never hesitated to remind him of his place. Caleb’s life had always been conditional. Rafiq’s favor had always been conditional.