"Not Thomas," Travis said. He seemed to catch himself before saying anything more. Abby grabbed his hand and calmed him with a shushing noise she might make to her children. “It will be over soon,” she whispered.
I sunk back into my seat, the muscles in my face feeling tired, my eyes raw, and my sinuses congested. Trenton had placed tissues and trash cans in every room, and the twins were making sure to empty and replace the trash bags regularly. I blew my nose, making a horrid sound, and tossed it into the can next to me, hugging the box of Kleenex to my waist. We all had different currency on different days. In an airport, I saw people hunting for a chair close to outlets or choosing to sit on the floor. Today, people congregated next to the booze or the tissues.
I held onto the thin cardboard box like a lifeline. It was the only thing to hold. Trenton was in the living room comforting Jim, and I was at odds with my sisters-in-law, still pissed they had taken sides. I guess I had, too, but it was inevitable. We would choose when it came to the brothers and Shepley fighting, except Ellie Peace-and-Love. She remained disgustingly neutral, while Falyn was pissed at Trenton, as was Abby. Trenton and Shepley were angry with Travis. Even though everyone was civil during the funeral, I couldn’t help but wonder what would go down afterward. I planned a quick escape so Trenton wouldn’t say or do anything else he’d regret later.
“It’s not going to be over,” I muttered. “Not if he’s gone.”
Abby craned her neck at me, and I could tell she was holding her tongue.
“He doesn’t feel gone,” I said, feeling my eyes fill with tears. I looked at her. “Is he really gone?”
Abby glanced around before she spoke. “Cami, I’m just going to tell you this once. Whatever you’re doing, stop. If anyone heard you … it could be very upsetting to a lot of people.”
“I need to know,” I begged, feeling my lips tremble.
The wheels began to turn, and then Abby faced me, suddenly angry. “What do you mean he doesn’t feel gone? His future wife is sitting next to Jim. You’re not it,” she hissed.
“Pidge,” Travis warned.
I was taken aback by her sudden vitriol. “I still care about him. What happened between us wasn’t just erased because we went in different directions,” I said.
Abby seemed to be increasingly concerned about the volume of my voice. “I’m sure this is confusing for you, but you didn’t just go in different directions, Cami. You married his brother. He moved on. You’re not the grieving widow, as much as you want to be.”
“Abby,” Travis said.
She sat back in her seat, crossing her arms. “I knew she was going to make today about her. She’s appropriated Jim, Trenton’s miserable over their infertility, and now, she wants everyone to acknowledge that she loved Thomas first.”
“I would love for you to visit more,” I said.
“You don’t live here,” Abby said, indignant. “You’ve got balls welcoming me to Jim’s home. I’ve been in this family longer than you have.”
“I’m not making Trent miserable. He wants a baby just as much as I do,” I said, ignoring her response to touch on one of her original points.
“But he seems to live life between pregnancy tests, unless he’s trying to show you how miserable he is.”
“I did love Thomas,” I said finally.
“He’s marrying Liis,” Abby snapped. “I’m sure you feel you have a right to feel like you’ve lost just as much as she has, but she’s in there holding his daughter. Have you even once gone to her to express your sympathies?”
I stuttered over my words. I wasn’t expecting a full-on attack. I wasn’t sure where Abby’s contempt was coming from, but it had been building up for a long time. “I just didn’t … I don’t want to make her feel awkward.”
“If you think for one second that Liis sees you as anything but Thomas’s sister-in-law, you’re wrong. I promise you there is nothing to feel awkward over.”
She couldn’t have said things more hurtful. I pressed my lips together and looked down, covering my nose with a tissue.
“Baby,” Travis said, cupping his wife’s shoulders. “Ease up.”
“Cami?” Trenton said, walking toward us.
“Oh, fuck,” Travis whispered.
He kneeled in front of me, waiting for me to speak. “You need a hug, baby doll?”
I wiped my nose and eyes and looked up with a small smile. “It’s just sad,” I said.
Trenton combed one side of my hair back with his fingers. “Yeah. C’mon. Dad’s asking for you.”
I stood, leaving Travis and Abby alone. She had never spoken to me that way before, and my mind was already racing for excuses. She’d just had a baby, her hormones were out of control, Carter was at the hospital alone while she was here to mourn Thomas and support Travis. Maybe she didn’t mean any of it. Maybe she was lashing out. But it wasn’t like Abby to lose her cool, especially without provocation.
Trenton guided me to the living room, and I looked over my shoulder at Abby. She already looked ashamed. Travis was comforting her, but their expressions were different from everyone else’s in the room. My eyes drifted to the urn on a shelf, the one we were told held Thomas’s ashes, hoping to God they were keeping something from me and that my instinct was right. As Jim came into view, I held my breath. He was hunched over, the bags under his eyes swollen and weighing down the rest of his face. Surely, if it were all a cover-up, they would tell him. They wouldn’t let him think his son was dead.
Jim’s ice water was nearly full, so I picked the tall glass off the side table next to his recliner and prompted him to take a drink. He took a sip and then handed it back. “Thanks, sis.”
I sat on the floor next to him, rubbing his knee. “Hungry?”
The casserole dishes that filled nearly every inch of the dining table had barely been touched. A week before, the Maddox boys would have torn through it all, but the only people eating were the kids. Everyone else lumbered around like the walking dead with a wine glass or tumbler in their hands.
Jim shook his head. “No, thanks. You doing okay? You need anything? I haven’t seen you in a while.”
I smiled, not feeling so much like the monster Abby had made me out to be just moments before. I took care of Dad, and I could see that he was comforted when I was around. He knew I would take care of him. Abby could say what she wanted, and maybe part of it was true, but I was a Maddox, and the only thing that mattered to me was the way Jim and Trenton saw me.
I nodded and stood, watching as extended family cleared an area of the couch closest to Jim. Liis sat in a folded chair on the other side, holding her sleeping newborn. Stella was beautiful—one-half Liis, with her almond-shaped eyes, dark, straight hair, and pouty lips, and one-half Thomas. Her eyes still had a sheen of blue, but beneath I could tell she would have hazel green eyes like her father.
Trenton squeezed my hand, noticing that I was staring at the baby. Part of me felt obligated to look away and spare his feelings, but another demanded that I experience my feelings honestly so I could grieve like anyone else.
“She’s beautiful,” I said to my husband.
“Yes, she is.”
“It was a beautiful service,” a cousin said to Liis. The elderly woman patted Stella’s back, her fingers lingering on the navy and gray dress. “She looks so pretty.”